Gut reactions
Esmee
“You see Esmee, that look, you remember it too.” So tell me how and why I should leave my ten year old here?” Ruby smiled as I tried to rearange my face into a more profeshonal smile at the end of it Madeline needed to be admitted wither this way or under a secton from the mental health services. She was growing up now in the eyes of the profeshonals and they would not let such extreme psychosis go untreated long in what they now called an adolescent. In short it would be better for everyone if I could persuade Ruby that apple gate house was actually the best place for her ten year old daughter even though I scarcely believed it my self.
“You should leave her here because I truly believe that this is where Madeline needs to be.”
“She needs help, she needs the oaks. It’s bright there and happy and there are little children like her and she could play there and get better but here there is nothing! Just pain and teenagers all of them years older then her and half of them that wound sooner hack there own arm off then talk to another teenager let alone talk to a child that is likely to tell them that the mother ship has infected there brains.”
“I get that I do, but honestly Ruby when was the last time that Madeline actually played with friends? When was the last time you looked at her and thought she isn’t sick? The Oaks has a bright outer shell with posh beds and a posh sensory room but it is so far away from a day nursery it is unreal and I think that is what you’re picturing it as. I spent some time there when I was training and not to sound cocky but I have the duel training and the experience that unit would kill for, meaning if I applied for a job they would probably jump on me but I know I could never work there because I still remember it being one of the most hellish things I did. Maybe ruby they are just throwing more money at the situations that suck the most.”
Defeated all over again ruby shrugged her shoulder and walked towards the main front door her boots dragging over the ground making a crunching sound against the lose paving underneath.
“Maybe your right maybe the oaks isn’t the right place for her,” Ruby said gently turning to me as two fresh tears marked her cheeks, “but at least there I could walk through the front door without feeling like I’m going to throw up.”
Bua news travels in doctor form
Mi
Sighing I got off of my second hand bed and pulled out my sketch book from the small pile of personal things piled in the corner of my room next to the wardrobe. When I was younger I had liked drawing a lot but as with everything else the passion went away as I grew older and people got meaner. Arabella had always told me that I had an amazing talent and asked me to draw her over and over again but she always said I was good at everything where in reality I wasn’t really good at anything and I gave up drawing, however apple gate house was boring and some subjects had kindled my imagination and after all it wouldn’t hurt if I didn’t show anyone.
“It still smells of you in here you know.” I moaned addressing one of the many badly sketched outlines of his face. The form was there but not the eyes I had spent hours sketching him but the eyes where never right and how the hell could they be. His eyes where universes.
“I miss you as well you know, and how the hell did that happen? I never miss anyone ever, apart from you, and them of course and to top it all off I get the room that smells of you still.” I groaned pushing my sketch book off of the bed so the pages turned to a almost finished picture of Esmee and Emmet in an embrace their heads so close together that there noses touched but still there eyes where wrong., they where so shallow and meaningless when in reality The blackness of Esmee’s eyes went deeper then I had ever seen and Emmet’s where so full of love it was infinite.
“Did you draw these?” A voice asked behind me and I jumped twenty foot into the air before rolling in a bunch of arm and legs off of the bed in a tied up ball.
“Hay hay, I’m sorry I didn’t mean to startle you Doctor Jordan smiled holding out a hand to help me back up onto the bed.
“Its fine, it’s fine. What have I done this time?” I groaned glancing up a doctor Jordan at the same time as wiping the evidence of the tears the drawings of Connors had caused.
“That’s nice, every time you see me you think you have done something wrong or you are going to be told off. That’s not exactly a healthy relationship to have with your doctor. I have said it over and over again Mi you are not here for punishment your in here because I knew you needed help and if you remember rightly in a round about way you asked for that too.
“So what have I done wrong this time. “ I smiled “I may not be here for punishment but the only reason you have ever come in my rook to tell me something is if you are angry, want to up my obs or medication or want to insert a tube into one of my many body parts; so what one is it this time?” I asked sighing before gesturing for him to sit on the side of my bed.
“Well I have no plans for anymore tubes to be put in you. Though I wouldn’t mind taking a look at the one you got at some point just to make sure that everything is in place.” Doctor Jordan smiled gently, “but that can wait right now, I’m not here for anything in particular to be honest I was just doing a round of the hospital and I saw you in here alone and maybe a little upset and while I wasn’t doing anything I wanted to make sure that you where OK and feeling safe, if not I wanted to know weather there is anything I can do to help you; maybe send someone up to sit with you.”
“No I’m OK,” I said gently. “All of this,” I said gesturing at the walls of my still alien new room “I am kind of getting used to. I’m not sure why and I’m not even sure I want to but I am, maybe I accept it now. I am here and that is damn sure not going to change, I am alive and there is damn sure no way you or any other one of the staff are going to let me change that so I am here and the months are ticking on and even though they promised me a nice foster home with two nice people I am sure I am more likely to be in a room like this for the rest of my life.” Well a least it wouldn’t smell of him forever, if I closed my eyes real tight and wished it away I am sure it would leave eventually.
“Mi there are no planes for you to move to another unit after this one at the moment as you know. Yes we did mention a long term inpatient centre as an option but that was only if you showed no sign’s of improvement and all or if there was no other options. As It stands your foster placement with the Bears is still solid and stable and you are simply awaiting discharge into there care which I will more then happily sign when I am happy with your progress.
Now I was here to tell you that I have two placement visits all lined up for you in the view to an overnight visit over the Christmas period however something you have just said concerned me and I have to act on that before anything else. From what you just said I have to assume that you are suicidal and I can’t just let that go, so it’s time to open up Mi.”
Haunting
Esmee
I saw Ruby’s shoulders slump again as Madeline as Madeline didn’t take a second glance back at her mother as she gladly took hold of Emmet’s hand and aloud her self to be pulled Into the building.
“He really is very good Ruby.” I assured gently watching as she stared numbly after her daughter until she was out of sight.
“I can’t believe I am allowing this to happen to her.” Ruby mumbled still staring into the entrance hall of the building. “All the doctors had all been trying for over 18 month to get me to agree to admit Madeline into the Oaks but I fort it all the way and I still wanted to but she started trying to hurt her self because her “friends” told her to and I am just so tired, and there is no way I can watch her twenty-four hours a day.” Ruby said gently the tears welling up in bother her eyes and spilling down over her cheeks again as she looked down at her empty hand where her daughter had been gripped only a few moments ago.
“Am I really tired enough for this though?” She asked her self numbly “I agreed to the Oaks not this place I am making her a gate kid and people always pick on the gate kids, I know what they all say, and on her birthday as well.” Ruby moaned rubbing her hands roughly over her face.
“It has changed her Ruby, I promise.” I said gently going over to her and placing a hand on her shoulder. “The set up is different and all the rules are different and we can look after her here. She won’t be aloud to hurt her self here, we will keep her safe” I assured gently not knowing what she must be feeling inside. Even if Mia was like Madeline, even If she was so clearly mentally disturbed could I have let go of her hand at the door to this place and walked away even if I knew in my heart that they could keep her safe?
“I know how they keep you safe here Esmee.” Ruby said firmly her now fierce eyes coming up to lock onto mine. “I watched as they threw you to the floor with out mercy and stuck a needle up your arse in front of every one before locking you in a windowless cell for a week. I have had my legs swept out from underneath me by a staff team that are twenty times stronger then me, and I can still feel that fear. I still remember the bruises left.” Ruby croaked out her eyes becoming haunted and for a few seconds, my own eyes mirrored hers.
It smelt of him
Mi
I had been moved to a new room which was up on the second floor and I didn’t like it. There was nothing spectacularly different with the room, it actually looked ever so slightly bigger then dream and the colour wasn’t particularly bad and that wasn’t mentioning the fact that this floor had no nurses station overlooking the rooms from the corridor but I had decided that it still somehow smelt of him and I didn’t like it.
Out of all the rooms they had the choice to put me in tranquillity seamed almost mean considering that fact that summer, mark and Echo had all moved at the same time and had not managed to get a room that smelt of him still.
Closing my eyes gently I tried to chase away the feelings that exploded around me when ever I thought about the little bits of him that had made me human for a while. How His lips felt when they where locked around mine, how his messy brown hair felt in my fingers, how my heart thumped so alive and so warm inside my chest when we walked near me or how he stared at me with such an intensity it felt like his eyes could kill me or save me.
.
Breathing slightly heavier from the memores I pulled the piece of paper out from my bedside table and straitened it out before staring at the curious cursive of his had writing on the short note he had given me when he left that also contained his number.
Dear Mi
I can’t believe I found you, maybe I should have told you before now and maybe writing this in a note isn’t the best idea but I have to tell you now or I never will, I think I love, no I know I love you.
Get better
Fight this
Call me
Conner
That was it just over fifty words and a mobile number wrote underneath begging me daily to call it though I never could bring my self to do it. When he had given me the letter and asked for my number in return I had begged my self to say something and I had pleaded with my body to work for just s few seconds so I could write my number for him on a piece of paper but it hadn’t and now I had no idea where he was or what he meant by he loved me. No one ever loved me and we had only touched twice. Had he felt the same sparks as I had; the same desire that had swept through me on all levels?
There were so many questions to ask so many memories that had been photographically imprinted on the inside of my head, and still the room smelt of him.
Letting go
I knew I shouldn’t have been but I had to admit that I was slightly taken aback by how this little girl that looked as fragile as glass had such doubts about my moral values and let them be known in such a blunt way to my face after meeting me for a few seconds. Saying that I was not offended or embarrassed more amused and it took a lot of will power to stop my self from laughing however Ruby had turned a rather convincing shade of lobster red and had instantly dropped to her knees pulling a giggling Madeline in close to her.
“Madeline I have told you a thousand times that that is not a nice thing to say and those words are horrible, now I want you to say sorry to Esmee.” Ruby ordered pointing in my direction but it was clear that Madeline had not heard a word that her mother had just said and she starred right threw her mumbling expletives under her breath.
“Rubes it’s fine, I understand.” I said gently as I saw her shoulders sag like the energy had been sucked out of her before she pulled her self to her feet and looked at me two fat tears falling down over her cheeks.
“It’s not fine Esmee. How did you work out any of that to be fine?” Ruby croaked her shoulders sagging even more as Madeline pulled on the grip of her mother’s hand. “I didn’t bring her up like that and I don’t even know how she knows those words because I have never used them around her.” Ruby said exasperated her voice close to a sob, “I’m just so tired Esmee, she is like this almost twenty four hours a day.” Ruby whispered crying harder as Madeline pulled on her arm and she staggered slightly.
“Come on Honey.” I said gently to Ruby gently putting my hand on her fore arm, “Lets get you inside and we can talk there are people waiting to get Madeline all settled in” but Ruby froze solid at the front door her body stiffening involuntary as she tried to push her foot inside the front door before stepping back and sighing deeply her eyes scanning over the building taking in ever brick the screamed out at her with a sick familiarity.
“Is everything all right out here?” I heard Emmet ask from behind me before he slipped out the door to stand beside me making Ruby’s eyes almost pop out her head as she observed him, “Some one told me that Madeline arrived so I thought I could help with her admission.” Emmet smiled cheerily.
“I was hoping to have a chat with Ruby; maybe you could take Madeline in and get her some juice or something?”
“No, you take her Esmee, I rather you take her; he’s just a bit… Well I’m sure he is very good at his job but well I mean Madeline is just very small and well you know I just think she would be happier with…” Ruby babbled
“I agree he’s huge.” I nodded summing up what Ruby was trying to say in one sentence, “and he has tattoos and big mussels not to mention the fact that it looks like he eats children for breakfast and fights grizzly bears for lunch but I can guarantee you he has the personality of a teddy bear and the bite of a goldfish.”
“Goldfish have no teeth,”
“Exactly, and I know these things: I have been married to him for five years.” I smiled wrapping my arm around his waist to prove the point.
“I can guarantee you Madeline’s safety with any of our staff Mrs Jinks. We are all trained to high standards and we all have a CRB check.” Emmet smiled trying to sedate Ruby but as I expected his efforts to try and pacify her was almost met with searing and an even bigger distrust of him. As EX clients of Apple gate we had both heard all the tried and tested lines before and would both respond negatively to them, Emmet’s speech even had me rolling my eyes
“No offence Emmet but you can spill all that crap from your lips as much as you want but it will not wash over me. Just because you have passed a CRB check doesn’t make you a nice person and just because you have sat in a class room and had people drum information into you doesn’t mean you will respond well to my daughter or treat her as a human being. Now I understand that Madeline is not perfect, in fact I can tell you some of the things she says are just plain awful but I do love my child but she is the way she is because she is sick.” Ruby said defensively pulling Madeline in close to her side as she looked over her shoulder looking like she was debating weather she was going to make a bee line back to her car.
“Ruby we are not perfect but it has changed here and we honestly do try her best,” I said gently “and Emmet is honestly the very best staff nurse that the unit has, I can guarantee you that, and that isn’t to do with any qualifications that he may or may not have.” I said firmly but gently and with that for the first time in ten years Ruby sighed dropped her shoulders and let go of her very sick daughter’s hand.
Writers block sucks badly! i am begining to think i am losing my talanet as a writer. The ideas are well cemented in my head but the ability to write them down and make aq good chapter has gone AWOL. So i really apoologize if these chapters stink. If they are please let me know so i can reconsider and try again.
love vikki
Birthday arrivals
Esmee
A week later Emmet and my self came into work and turned into the staff office to see New admission Madeline Jinks arriving today at 9am in big red letters with Emmet myself Lauren and Edward assigned as her key worker. Underneath there was three bulging files with her name written on it. There was also a very firm note on the board in even bigger writing in her name that said “Never call her Maddie!”
“Well she sounds interesting.” I said smiling as I went over and grabbed the firs of the bulging folder and flopped down on one of the more comfy chairs in the office to have a read of the files.
“Look at her date of birth.” Emmet said thoughtfully as he stared at the board and before grabbing another of the files on her and come to sit next to me. I flipped to the front of the book.
“Christ Emmet it’s her birthday.” I said having to look twice at her date of birth to make sure I was seeing it right. “Why the hell would they do a planned admission on her birthday of all days, she’s only 10. She should be wearing party dresses and playing musical chairs or something.” I confirmed “Not being admitted to a psyc unit. I could understand if she was coming across from The Oaks but according to this she isn’t. She ‘s living with her mother.”
“Abusive mother maybe.” Emmet suggested nonchalantly as he flicked past half of the file until he found something that he deemed worth reading.
“If it was abuse they would have got her out no matter what her age was and she is a planned case not an emergency.”
“Well. I guess we will find out in about three hours.” Emmet smiled.
Madeline
At precisely nine am the main front door buzzer signalled in the office and on the grainy CCTV footage I could make out a young woman with a little girl holding her hand. And swinging it aimlessly around as she looked suspiciously around at her new surroundings and even from the poor CCTV image I could see why her mother was not happy with her daughters admission to Apple gate house and she intended to try and contest It for her daughter to be aloud to go to the Oaks instead.
The Oaks was another impatient unit but for children from three to nine with severe and debilitating mental health problems are in rare cases learning disabilities. It unlike apple gate house was a purpose built new state of the art building that had Millions of pounds thrown at it. It was a ten bed unit which come in the form of two wards of four and one shared room of two and bed available for mum or dad to stay with there child if they wished. There was a dinning room a parent’s kitchen, a day room, a lounge, an art room and even a state of the art sensory room that was full of fiberoptics, bubble lamps, smoke machines and anything else that could interest a child. There was still of course the clinc that looked exactly the same as our and there where three ECA’s that they called the chillers. These rooms as cool down rooms where brilliant and for as long as I can remember I had been trying to put pressure on the funders to throw some money at her ECA‘s to make them the same, but apparently there was as always no money. There rooms where all foam like ours but painted in multi colours with murals and things painted on it making and it was proven that it made children respond and calm faster then plain walls did.
Heaving my self from my chair in the office I rubbed my tummy twice debated weather I was going to throw up or wet my self for a few seconds before I decided I wasn’t going to do either and went to the front door opening it with my card key.
Looking at Madeline in the flesh made it even more painfully obvious why her mother did not want her daughter to be here. Even though she was 10 years she had the body of a small seven year old and she looked as fragile and dainty as a procaine doll. She had silvery blue eyes and very long eye lashes that framed them perfectly and her checks where complete with freckles, dimples and her own blush. Her hair was platinum blond and wispy that was tied up in two pink bunches on the top of her head and she wore pink rimmed glasses with white bunny’s on the arms and a discreetly placed hot pink hearing aid behind both ears ear.
“Esmee! Little monster! It’s me, Ruby, Ruby Jinks!” The mother of the child shouted knocking my out of my observation of the child that was holding onto her with one had.
“We used to live here together! Remember! You work here now! That’s great! I was so worried about Madeline coming!” Ruby spluttered, “Madeline this is Esmee, say hello and be nice.” Ruby said sweetly pulling her child around so she had to look at me.
“Hello Madeline, how are you?” I asked. Madeline looked at me suspiciously for a while before pulling her face into a huge smile showing a gummy gap in her front teeth before opening her mouth and yelling “You’re a fucking whore!” At the top of her voice.
I can't write at the moment! I hate it and i am fairly sure i am producing poop but i really dont want to stop alltogether so this is a stab at a chapter.
The only drugs I really needed
Mi
Later that day Esmee had come up and got me from my room and towed my reluctant body down to Doctor Jordan’s office for yet another crisis appointment. I had told her not to bother, I had told her that I had moaned about my tablets to him a million and one times before I had given up completely but as always she was stubborn and refused to back down and she took me there anyway where she fort heard for me…and won.
My tablets where changed instantly and a fair amount was taken away until Esmee was happy and Doctor Jordan looked as battered down as what I felt just sitting there and watching the battle. On a number of occasions he had asked for my opinions on the situation but I just blindly agreed with Esmee knowing whatever she had planned to achieve would be in my best interest.
It took three days for the vomiting to stop and four more for my mood to stabilize. But within the space of a week I was feeling almost human again. I of course didn’t know how much of that was to do with the fact that my blood stream wasn’t so poisoned by tablets and how much of it was to do with the fact that Emmet and Esmee got back into the swing of there shifts easily Filling in most of the giant pit of despair that had been punched into me.
I almost hated my self for the fact that I allowed my self to get drawn back in to Emmet and Esmee again. They had left me with out a good bye and before I knew it there disappearance had been the one thing that really made me feel the worse.
Something inside of me shouted all the time that shouldn’t have got as close to them I should have ran away and even though I hadn’t then I should now but I didn’t and there was no way I could ever bring my self to pull away from them so like it or not they now seemed stuck somewhere bang smack in the middle of my life but maybe that wasn’t as bad as it seemed, Maybe Sophie had got it wrong all along when she told me I would be better alone after all I was nothing before I met them. I lived and I breathed and I wondered through life just wishing it Away. In short maybe Esmee and Emmet where worth feeling bad over because with the exception of Arabella no one had ever made me feel as good. Maybe Esmee and Emmet in reality where the only drugs I really needed.
What makes us crazy
Though I felt more like crying then smiling I plastered one on my face before I tuned the corner back into Mi’s bedroom. Work unexpectedly seemed to be taking its tool on me and I was almost emotionally exhausted all ready and breakfast wasn’t even over yet. I had been board out of my brain sitting at home and watching TV and baby talking with my daughter but I was starting to see the advantages of it while being back at work. It was such an innocent thing and this place was the complete opposite end of the scale a place where any fairy tales where crushed instantly.
“So how is everything now?” I asked half expecting to see Mi puking into a dish and Emmet trying to comfort her but instead it was still Emmet arm protectively draped over Mi’s back as she slumped up close to his chest her own hand scrunched up in the fabric of his tee-shirt.
“I think she’s sleeping,” Emmet said gently looking over at me and smiling, “I keep telling my self to lie her down but I don’t want to wake her up, she is so peaceful, no twitching or mumbling, no pain just sleeping.” Emmet said softly smiling down at the bundle that was propped up against him.
“I am glad she’s resting and why lay her down if you don’t want to? If you’re happy and she’s happy there’s no harm being done is there?” I smiled gently, “She can take this rubbish when she gets up, I’m not rushing to give her a bunch of tablets that are clearly just making her worse.” I moaned placing the cup of pills on Mi chest of draws before going over and plonking my self down heavily on the floor opposite Emmet even though there was actually no reason to do so. Mi was not on any level of observation So really didn’t even need Emmet there let alone me as well where as in the dinning room I could have been useful but though I hated to admit it I just couldn’t face it. In fact for the first time in a long time when at work I just wanted to go home and be human Esmee for a while.
“You OK?” Emmet asked me gently as my smile faltered somewhat as I tried to push away the tears that tried to come over me. I had no idea why I was finding it so hard to stop my self from crying. I was usually made of much stronger stuff and the morning so far had been uneventful.
“Pass, ask another question.” I smiled gently cocking my head to one said so my hair fell off of my face as I looked up at Emmet.
“No need to; those tears in your eyes kind of give the game away. You want to tell me what’s wrong?”
I gestured over to Mi who’s eye lids fluttered somewhat as her lips creased into grimace. She was either having a bad dream or was in pain Somewhere, none of which I would be able to help her with. no matter how heard I probed inquiring about the content of her dreams only made her angry and she never admitted to pain unless she couldn’t stop her self from physically screaming out from it.
“Why what’s happened?”
“I don’t know, stupid pregnancy hormones making me go all gooey over my baby sister I suppose,” I smiled, rubbing the tears out of my eyes before they had the chance to fall. “I guess I was maybe expecting too much for when we come back, well at least someone that was no worse then when we left her.”
“She isn’t well but she has perked up before, She will get better Esmee, that’s what everyone wants.”
“No they don’t, everyone else has given up her Emmet, why else do you think she is on so many tablets, it isn’t to help her or treat depression its to numb her and knock her out so she doesn’t get in the way. All they need is a month when she is self harm free with no suicide attempts and no weight loss and they can show her the door. The fact that I had to dress her today because she was too physically whacked out to do it her self doesn’t matter to them.” I snapped angrily making Mi stir in her sleep.
“If you truly believe what you are saying you should file an official complaint. “
“That would be great, If I could prove it, but all of those tablets fit into her treatment plan is some form or another and even though Doctor Jordan as basically admitted to my face that he has given up he isn’t going to admit it. This is what this place is Emmet. This is what it always does!” I moaned feeling sorry for my self as two tears slipped down over my face.
“I mean if there is one thing on this planet to drive you insane it’s spending time in a mental hospital.”
He had to save her
“Is there a reason she isn’t coming or shouldn’t I ask? I think I gave up on that one a long time ago.” Crystal remarked coldly flicking her badly died ginger hair over her shoulder.
“She isn’t coming because I think it might put the other clients off to watch her vomit into her corn flakes.” I said irritated scowling back at Crystal “and you may have given up on her but I would thank you to keep comments like that to your self Crystal, it is your job to try your very best for every one of these patients and while I am running a shift I will not tolerate anything other then your best.” I scolded angrily.
Too many people had given up on Mi and that was the reason why for the last three weeks when we hadn’t been there she had been aloud to fall so far into the pit she was in. Any mentally healthy person who Had not spent there whole life living in the cusps of abuse would have not tolerated such sever side effects to a set of drugs and would be banging on here doctors door until something was done however Mi had been hurt all her life and was venerable or if wanting to be clinical about it “at risk.” She didn’t know what the right way to be treated was and she accepted anything that happened to her for she was still under the illusion the she was terminally evil. Surly our job as doctors and nurses to her was to protect her when she couldn’t protect her self by evaluating the situation and coming to our own conclusion weather the side effects where manageable for her and not throwing her to the lions and pushing on with a drug program any moron could see was not working.
Grumbling to my self and finding it hard not to actually turn around and punch crystal in the face because once again my comment had been take with a rather annoying roll of her eyes I turned away and went down to the clinic to get Mi’s medication.
Sighing loudly I pulled Mi’s medication packets out of the draw and grabbed a paper pot from the side so I could start popping them out. Her medication list had become ridicules over the time she was with us and it seems over the last three weeks it had once again grown by a good four pills . She was now on no less then two different anti-depressants two different ant psychotic pills, an anti-anxiety medication a mood stabiliser an iron supplement a vitamin tablet, a stomach acid reducer and an anti sickness tablet. And that wasn’t mentioning the PRN pain killers, anti sickness and sedatives. It was almost a disturbing amount of pills to give a sixteen year old and was worried how many of them where just there to try and knock her out completely. If Mi wasn’t self harming or actively trying to kill her self it meant she was no longer a risk to herself or others and discharge could be considered as early as a weeks time if there were no relapses. The fact that she was so depressed that she couldn’t even dress her self would be of little consequence unless her knew foster parents refused to take her and of course We would not refuse to take her. I loved Mi too much to let her down when she needed someone so much and I knew right then if looking after her meant washing, feeding and dressing her daily I would do it without question even if I had to give up my job in the process.
Scribbling the names of all the tablets down on a piece of paper and putting it in my pocket I took the pot of pills and made my way out of the clinic room door And back up the stairs towards Dream in the hope that the anti sickness pills would at least stop her nausea for a while.
Before I went back I had planned to go and write a note and a review request for doctor Jordan about Mi but on seeing what she was taking wanted to face him head on. Maybe he was right, maybe we couldn’t save everyone but like Crystal it was his job to try and keep trying until something worked and that didn’t mean dishing out tablets that no sixteen year old should of seen like Sweets.
It was not doctor Jordan’s right to give up and I would make sure he didn’t. It might if been true that we didn’t save every patient that came through here, I had seen to many leave worse then they had come in because of funding or time limits on treatments and age but Mi was different for me, I kept her with me all of the time and never left her at the gates when I went home in the evening. No he couldn’t save them all but he had to save her. No excuses.
Hands up any one who wants to smack crystal in the face after reading this? ;-)
Head nurse
Esmee
The first thing I did was to go down and tell the people waiting in the dinning room to start there meal because Mi wasn’t going to be joining them which involved me beckoning Crystal into the hall way as she was the closes to have a word with her. To be honest I think I would have much preferred to have been upstairs dealing with a very sicky Mi, meaning my opinion of Crystal had gone from her just being a mere annoyance to me to me preferring to spend my time with a bowl of sick.
“Mi won’t be coming to breakfast.” I said using my head nurse voice to it’s full. In all honestly I knew crystal hated it for many reasons. The first one being that because I was head nurse I was actually the one to choice weather a patient was too physically ill to get out of bed and not her. Second was the fact that she had been here a whole 8 years and wasn’t even known as a senior nurse yet where as I had been here just five years along with Emmet and we had been both awarded positions of head nurse. Third was the fact that are pay packet at the end of each moth was considerably higher then hers because of this and last but not least was the fact that she had to do what I said like it or not or face getting reported which as she new would give me no greater pleasure after what she had done to me about a year ago.
Our fearless leader Revealed.
Hand over’s where usually boring to be honest nothing more then a brief and meaningless account of what had happened during the shift was given including obervation changes, canges in condition, nre symptoms and accounts on paitents that where acting out of th ordinary and the head nurse or whoever was running the shift was the one who did most of the talking. Yet today there had bee a disturbance, that had come in the form of one of the clients (that was usually as harmless as a pet hamster) kicking off and lashing out at a member of staff and giving her a pretty convincing bruise on the shin and an unattractive comb over as she escaped with a hand full of hair. I had dealt with the situation in a good and positive way in my eyes that included using the hold restraint, which basically meant giving the patient a big cuddle until they calmed rather then the use of a strong sedative and a week locked up in the ECA which considering the fact that the perpetrator was only 11 and completely terrified seemed a better option however Crystal was not happy and felt that justice had not been done. If it had been her that poor old Emma had bruised I would have tried to understand, the fact that it was not and I was actually the one supporting the bruise and comb over meant that it was just rather annoying.
“Look Crystal I understand that it isn’t the conventional way of dealing with a staff attack but it has been dealt with, I have received an apology off of Emma and she is much calmer and happier now. So can we just say that it’s been dealt with and leave it at that I really want to go home.” I sighed
“But I still think that there was grounds for a…”
“OK Crystal I hate pulling rank but here we go Emmet and my self where head nurses this shift and Peter was senior nurse and we have all agreed that we dealt with it in the best possible way and we are happy, you are welcome to take this further if you want but considering I am the one with the giant bruise and head ach I can’t see them being too interested. Now I am calling this had over to a close, have a good…”
“So how the hell did you get to head nurse any way?” Crystal snapped getting to her feet and pointing at me her voice raised angry something I said sparking of a far more unattractive side of her then there all ready was on show.
“In fact how the hell did you get a job full stop?” She snapped
“Ohy leave her alone!” I heard Emmet growled from the Corner just before Jean and Ava grabbed an arm each and restrained Emmet to his seat so he couldn’t also get to his feet.
“No it’s OK Emmet,” I said gently also getting to my feet and puffing my self up to my full size which was still very short compared to Crystals five eight height. “Crystal can have her opinions on weather I am good at my job or not and she can ask me about them in private if she wants to or Of course she has also got the right to go higher and complain if she wants to like I said.” I moaned, “I am sure she would also agree having a go at me in front of every one here is unprofessional and is keeping people behind who want to go home.” I said defiantly trying to end the confrontation and as a visual prompt that I had done arguing with her I turned my back and started fiddling with the combination on my locker, however before I could even start to write in the date of birth from are last foster daughter I got grabbed by the shoulder and fully turned back round by crystal who was now standing inches from me.
“Don’t you fucking touch my wife you vile little…”
“Emmet!” I snapped fearing that he might currently be on the way to come over and smash Crystals smug face in before grinding it into the carpet. She was not worth him losing his job over or worse going to prison.
“Fuck, you even have your guard dog thinking that your perfect but I know your secret,” Crystal snarled, “Who thinks we should find out why little miss sunshine is sweating her tits off in July by wearing a long sleeve jumper!” Crystal yelled and before I knew what was happening she grabbed hold of my arm held it above my head and yanked the sleeve down reviling all the scars underneath that until that point I had kept hidden.
I had no idea what to do right then. I knew every one of the people in that room would know exactly what it was at first glance and I also knew that every one of them would have all ready made there judgment on my case. They of course where all used to seeing clients with bandages on there arms from recent self harm or clients with big scars from past self harm but they where expected of clients. Clients where ill or hurt or abused and at rock bottom making a little self harm seam almost normal. In fairness there had been such a huge rise in the number of people being admitted with Eating disorders or self harming behaviour it was a breath of fresh air not to see it, however the same scars where not expected from Head nurse Esmee and even though I had been honest with the panel of people that had conducted my interview and they didn’t have a problem with it, it was on the condition that it was kept covered and not mentioned almost like a don’t ask, don’t tell policy. It worked and so far I had not been confronted so I assumed they didn’t know. Now I had been “outed” in front of nearly thirty nurses.”
“You see people it looks are fearless leader is more little miss cut up then little miss sunshine.” Crystal jibbed sneering into my face as I tried rather unsuccessfully to stop the tears that had gathered in my eyes from rolling down over my face. My tears were lapped up by crystal, like all bullies she survived on them and by crying in front of her I was rewarding her for the hurt she had caused but there was no way I could stop them. I had been bullied at school for being to clever and had a baby sitter who abused me in every way there was so there wasn’t much she could have done to provoke these tears however she had found my week point. I was not proud of who I was back then and being forced to face her head on in a room full of people that used to look up to hurt more then she could ever know.
“You foul evil bitch from hell!” Emmet growled and before my self or any one else could stop him he had grabbed her wrist yanked it off of my arm and had twirled her around to look at him his eyes glinting in there fury, his hands strained into fist that he tried heard to keep by his side. She wanted to hit her more then anything he would have gladly served time for it but he wasn’t sure he could lose his soul to her.
“Unhand me Emmet or I will get you done for assault!” Crystal spat
“You want me to fucking assault you I will fucking knock your…”
“Emmet Enough!” Jean shouted getting to her feet just at the same time as Ava and Edward who each gently seized a part of Emmet’s rock like body and tried to toe him away from her,
“Go home Crystal.” Jean said sullenly turning back to Crystal.
“But he just assau….”
“You just assaulted Esmee! If anyone gets disciplinary action it is you now get lost!”
Crystal stormed out of the room in a huff which left me to look at all the shocked faces of the room and all at once I wish she was back, at least when she was standing it front of me I could not see all the damage she had done. I knew she hated me and my methods and I could cope with that but all of a sudden there was now a room full of nurses that where no longer sure of who I was or what I did and through it all instead of defending my self all I could do was stand there with tears rolling down over my face and hope the ground would do me a kindness and swallow me whole.
After what felt like a long time and in having no luck in the ground swallowing me whole I did the next best thing and ran away towards the door of the office not stopping to get any of my things, the only goal then was my car, home and maybe even a few hours sobbing under the duvet cover like a five year old.
As I left the room I heard the Office brake into commotion behind me and before I could get very far the door burst open behind me and a few of the nurses spilled out including Emmet and Jean who told me to stop and come back. More due to the fact that Jean had a frightening authority about here even then I stopped turned around and prepared my self for the onslaught that I knew at some point I was going to have to face any way. When I was younger my mother had always told me that one day my Self harm scars where going to come back and haunt me, she also told me that I would regret them and this had proven her right. My self harm had just publicly humiliated me and I regretted them so much. Ironically though I would have gladly swiped a blade across my wrist right then if it promised to make me feel better.
“A group of others and myself are going to the pub,” Jean said gently “We where wondering if you wanted to come.” I stared at her like an idiot.
“What? Did you think we where going to get our lyich mob gear out and try to burn you at the stake? Jean smiled coming closer to me and putting her hand on my shoulder. “We where more thinking of going to the pub with you having a couple of pints and writing up a kick ass letter that is sure to get Mrs Spears’s ass out of here before she can mention another Mr men character.” Jean smiled gently the corner of her puckered mouth turning into a smile.
“I self harmed.” I babbled not quite sure if I was quite hearing her properly. It seemed impossible that the gathering of nurses seemed to be excepting the fact that I was not as Composed as I tried to make my self out to be. Nurses on a psyc unit with venerable teens did not self harm; ever.”
“And? I think you’ll find we are all pretty immune to a few scars here and to be honest I have had my suspicions for a while as have the others, We all know why Nick wears long sleeves even though we aren’t meant to and well we can all put two and two together like Crystal did but we just aren’t bullies like Crystal is. So how about you sop those tears and you get your stuff together? Our “Fearless leader” buys first round of drinks.”
Warming up
“I was just checking on how things are going I heard Emmet gently say from the corner of my room a few moments later as I tried to get my body to behave it self condemning it for letting me down so badly in almost every way there was but of course it could do more. It could always make the unbearable worse and it had every intention to as I felt my stomach lurch towards my mouth for the second time that morning.
“I was just wondering if Mi would be joining us for…. … Wowah Ok honey all right.” Emmet said leaping across the room at me as he saw me roll my body off of the bed with one hand over my mouth while searching franticly with my other one for the cardboard bowls that had come to reside on bed side table. I would have normally tried to have got to the bathroom but I knew there was no way I was going to make it there in time so used the second best option I had
“Ok, it’s all right,” Emmet said again locating the dish before I did and holing it under my mouth just in time before the familiar bile hit the bottom of it covering his had in the process making me want to hide in a very black hole even though as was usual he made no fuss over it at all.
“I don’t think we’re going to make breakfast.” Esmee said to Emmet Gently As he swapped the bowl in his hand for a new one and rubbed my back gently as I dry heaved.
“I can see that,” Emmet said, “Do you want to go and just let them know that Mi won’t be attending and then maybe pop to the clinic room to get Mi’s Anti sickness PRN and some more bowls. Also I think and urgent note needs to be left with Dr. Jordan, I don’t know about you but I am nit happy with what I am seeing here.”
“Yeah I can do that, I also have to sort a few things out my self but I won’t be long. You’re doing fine OK my love.” Esmee said gently directing the last bit to me before she squeezed my shoulder tight with one had and then disappeared out of my room.
“You feeling a bit better hon?” Emmet asked a few moments later as my dry heaving decreased and he lowered the bowl down to my lap and I nodded to answer him before gingerly moving my hand across so it was sat on the top of his knee. I felt better and worse all at the same time when I was touching him but at least it was something alone there was only the numb depression.
“Want a hug?” Emmet asked gently smiling out the corner of his lips at me and I nodded twice before he lifted up his arm and I scooted in under in snuggling In close to his cheat closing my eyes against the beat of heart allowing my self to smile gently as his body began to warm mine up from the icy pit it had frozen in.
Immobile
Inside I fort Esmee but on the outside I stayed still and unmoving neither helping or hindering as she once again moved off of my bed closed the bedroom door and come to stand in front of me. I can not deny that I found the gesture threatening, it seemed so creepily familiar but I did not scream I did not ask her what she was doing and it in a way I couldn’t even make my self feel scared or angry, the sadness covered them all equally making everything black just like a covering of snow in winter bleached the whole world white for a while.
“I’m not going to hurt you Mi.” Esmee said gently kneeling down in front of me and taking my hand in hers erasing any suspicion that her previous action may have caused; she would do me no wrong.
“I am really sorry that you are feeling like this OK.” Esmee moaned softly as she threaded my wrists gently back though the long sleeves of my now vomit stained PJ top before getting to her feet and pulling it over my head then wrapping a towel over my shoulders to protect my modesty as best as she could.
“I am going to fight for you OK, you meds clearly aren’t working in the way they should be and it isn’t fair that they are making you so sick either, I will corner doctor Jordan today and if he doesn’t listen I will go above him to someone who will.” Esmee said gently before weaving my unresponsive arms into my bra straps and hocking it around my back.
I was fully aware I was being dressed by a nurse on a psyceatric word and my tears reflected that but no matter how much I yelled at my self to move, to react, to take over what should have been the very simple task of changing my clothes there was nothing I could do to actually do it. What did it matter any more if I let this happen? What difference would it make if I moved from my bed? Who cared if I faded to this forever?
“I didn’t mean to have so much time off Mi, in fact I hadn’t planed to have any more then a day but I got sick you see and I had to spend some time in the hospital.” I felt my muscles spasm in an invocatory response to what I was hearing her say. I Should of asked her why, what had happened and if she was better now. I should have asked her if there was anything I could do to help her or if she was in pain but nothing worked so I settled for letting the tears make me shiver as well.
“I am better now Mi,” Esmee said reading my reaction to my responding to it, “I wasn’t sick, sick just really over tired and in need of some rest. I feel a lot better now, probably better then I did before.” Esmee smiled one hand resting on the side of her belly for a second just before she helped me pull my top on over my head and hock my reluctant arms into the sleeves. I made an effort that time and tried to help her move them but they where so heavy and I was so week.
“But I am back now and hopefully wont be having any more mjour time off untill may time and hopefully by then you will be living with us anyway. Emmet has your room all ready, he spent most of last week painting and papering it and we have bought you a nice new bed as well because the other once was getting fairly old and tattered and I have picked some fairly cool bedding on the internet when I was resting too; i think you’ll like it. We really hope it wont be to much longer now until you move in but hay there’s no rush, there’s no point in being hasty when you are feeling so poorly right now, I will just have to see you here instead,”
My body began to get less heavier as she kept on talking and as she started on my bottom half of clothing I found little bursts of energy to help her like standing up when it was needed and lifting my own legs as she put my underwear and jeans on. I even managed to find enough life in my numbed fingers to do the button up on my jeans but Esmee had to put my cardigan on it seemed the simple button had zapped what was left of me.
“Would you like to brush your hair? Esmee asked gently as she picked up my dirty clothes and placed them in the basket at the end of my bed before picking up my brush and placing it beside me.
I did try, it took all my effort but I picked up my brush raised it to my head and pulled it through the tips of my hair twice before I let my had fall back down to my side. What was the point?
“That’s a good try; would you like me to finish it off?” Esmee smiled gently sitting down close to me on the side of the bed and rubbing my back gently.
I couldn’t say anything to answer her question then as once again I was fighting with the urge to start sobbing loudly again. Something about Esmee being close had always hurt me in the most glorious kind of way that it could never be explained. She kind of woke me up. Setting every nerve that I thought had long since died from all the damage that had been done alight. Her comfort made me real again, made me find some faith but of course all of this was excruciating and before I could stop it my bottom lip quivered out of control and my chest began to heave with heavy sobbing as I curled up in the foetal position on the bed almost screaming from how bad everything felt inside, my whole body jerking in time with the helpless crying.
Still stuck in the middle of icky writers block and extreem anxiaty for some reasion. I am so worried that what i am writing is crap it's almost upsetting me! Ugh!
So i hope these are OK. I loved writing them but am worried aboput the qulaty.
Do let me know, love vikki
bad way
“Hay honey, of course I came back.” Esmee whispered softly squeezing me in tight to her before realising me and looking into my eyes like by just one look she could evaluate everything that had happened when she had been away.
“Did you truly think I would leave you like that?” The question seemed stupid. Of course I could think that, hell I had even expect that and it wasn’t until much, much later that I discovered that Esmee and Emmet where very much unlikely to do that to me.
Unable to vocalise anything while I was looking at her I lowered my head again and let the tears become noisy, losing all the energy I had to control them. There seemed to be no point in hiding them, there was no point in pretending I wasn’t dying inside, there just wasn’t a point in anything.
“All right sweet heart, I get it, we’re in a bad way aren’t we.” Esmee said gently stepping forward and taking hold of my hand into hers “come on sweet heart let’s go and get you back to your room and ready for breakfast.”
“I have to clean up the floor.” I wheezed between my sobbing.
“No you don’t I can get someone else to sort that out.” Esmee said softly again hooking my black hair back over my ear so she could look at my face.
“Don’t panic, I’ll do it Ez,” Emmet said emerging from the bathroom door brandishing a mop and bucket. “Sorry I saw what happened and thought I could put my cleaning skills to good use.” Emmet smiled before looking over at me like he was torn somewhere between being scared and being sympathetic
“Thanks hon.” Esmee smiled gently to Emmet before turning to me tugging on my hand slightly like a mother would do to there child, “Come on honey lets get you sorted.”
I prayed
When I got back to my room I let go of Esmee’s hand and stumbled back over to my bed where I sat on the edge staring at the plain wall in front of me. My years had dried up now; there had been times in the last few weeks where I had sobbed but it never lasted long it simply took too much effort; staring at the wall simply took up less effort.
“Would you like me to gather your clothes together Mi?” Esmee asked gently but I ignored her more due to the fact that it felt like I couldn’t speak then the fact that I was being ignorant. I didn’t care about getting dressed, I didn’t care about eating I just wanted to fade away to nothing
“Ok honey I am going to get some jeans and a t shirt OK, any colours or styles you want… No, OK then I’ll choose.” Esmee said gently walking over to the wardrobe that was next to my bed opening the doors up and pulling some things off of the hangers. She chose jeans with sparkles on the pockets and a purple white green and black tunic type top that tied around the waist with a white long sleeve shrug to go over the top. The harsh summer had gone away as quickly as it had come giving into a harsher winter which meant every one was wrapping up warm.
“Are you going to get changed for me then Mi?” Esmee asked gently sitting down on the bed next to me after she grabbed a bra and some underwear out of the chest of draws. “I will wait for you outside if you want or I can go on down to breakfast and meet you there. I’m you partner for this meal.”
I knew what I was meant to do then and I did it inside of my head. In there I turned looked at her smiled and said everything was OK and that I would meet her there in the dinning room. I got changed quickly and brushed my hair before checking my self in the mirror and making my way down the stars but my physically body would not move so I just continued to look onwards staring through the wall like it wasn’t there. I had waited for her to come back because I thought she would make it feel better inside but nothing had changed my miracle cure had not worked.
“Do you need some help Mi?” Esmee asked gently again, putting her hand into my lap before sighing.” Do you need some help to get changed?”
I began to cry again then not loudly but deep rivers of water rushed down over my cheeks with no control before rolling off of the tip of my nose and chin before tumbling to the ground. It felt like nothing was ever going to be OK again. I wanted to die but I had no energy left to dress my self let alone kill my self so I did the last thing I could think of and for the first time since I was a very young child I prayed; I prayed to god to forgive all my sins and let me die. I prayed for death
OK so writers bloxk really sucks. I still have it but have tried to struggle though and write something. I am not sure if this is any good but i have tried. Please let me know if you don't think it's up to standered and i will try again.
vikki
They came back
“Hay, hay, its OK sweet heart it’s OK.” Emmet soothed stroking his fingers through my hair as he tried to rearrange himself better so I could sit better on his lap. “If only everybody was as existed as about me waking up in the morning the unit would run perfectly.” Emmet laughed holding me tight into him but I just continued to sob into his chest unable to laugh at his joke even though he was trying to make me feel better. I still couldn’t believe that he was actually there again and I could once again hold onto him. I still felt bad, depression didn’t just lift like that but with him there felt like there was a chance, with him the complete blackness that had always surrounded me shifted to dark greys
“Come on Sweetie, It’s OK, it’s all going to be OK.” Emmet soothed gently reaching up to my bedside table and pulling down the box of tissues before handing me one.
“I understand mornings have become very heard for you at the moment.” Emmet said softly as he rubbed big calming circles over my back as I continued to try -unsuccessfully admittedly - to catch my breath enough to form coherent speech.
There was so much that I wanted to ask Emmet that there seemed to be no time for my tears now. I wanted to know if he was OK and I wanted to know if she was OK and weather she would be coming back to work as well. I wanted to tell him if I had done something to cause their extended absence I was sorry, I wanted to tell him that I never meant to do any harm to them and I hated my self for hurting them but there was no words I could say and as the morning fully engulfed me the nausea hit hard along with the crying making me reluctantly let him go in haste so I could make my normal disoriented scramble to the bathroom where I could throw up.
“Hay Mi what’s the matter, where are you going?” I heard Emmet call after me as I reached the door of my room and tripped out into the corridor barley missing a grumpy Bella as she emerged out of Joy -her new high dependency room- growling at Edward about it being a teenagers right to be able to sleep in and skip breakfast.
Gasping slightly I ploughed off up the corridor at a sprint as I felt the vomit gush forcefully up my throat and into my mouth and only just managed to fling my self into the bathroom before the familiar murky liquid mixed with orange bile erupted out of my mouth and splattered onto the floor in a projectile fashion missing my target of the toilet by inches.
“Stupid fucking worthless piece of shit.” I growled at my self trying to stop the tears that rolled down over my face in a mixture of embarrassment and frustration turning into full on sobbing. “Stupid disgusting bitch from hell, why can’t I just fucking die?” I hissed chocking on the heard tears as I grabbed a few paper towels from the dispenser and throw them on the floor on top of the vomit as I tried to make my chest take some deep breaths around the wetness that was clogged inside of me. “Fucking useless bitch. Fucking useless worthless, completely idiotic fucking brain dead whore that can’t even get vomiting fucking…”
“Hay, hay Mi honey what’s all this about sweet heart.” I heard another sweet voce echo from behind me cutting me off as my self insulting got louder and once again all my muscles tightened in a spasm. Was it really possible that she had returned to? That like Emmet before Esmee could really be standing solid and real behind me?
“Sweat heart what’s the matter? What happened?” the same voice asked at the same time as placing her arm around me, the same velvet touch against my skin that made me know instantly that Esmee had returned too.
“I’ve thrown up on the floor,” I Wailed no longer able to contain the tears to simply crying, “I am so sorry, I tried to get to the loo in time but it was just so fast and so violent that I just couldn’t and I know I am stupid but I have told the doctor over and over that I can’t stop throwing up and…”
“Wowah, Mi honey its fine baby, its fine, all of its fine, we have all had this before it can’t be helped and it can be cleaned up easily enough, it’s absolutely…”
“Stupid! I’m so fucking stupid!” I sobbed
“No your not baby, your really not, I know you feeling terribly sad right now but it’s all OK. It’s going to get better OK.” Esmee said softly turning me around so I was looking right at her,
“You came back,” I whined as I looked up into her eyes and every defence and feeling from the last three weeks with out her came to smash into me in one go. “You came back Esmee,” I wept throwing my self into her arms much like I had done to Emmet’s, “you came back!”
Ahh i so loce writing this i have no idea why. This chapter is happy and sad so as always safty first
enjoy
Knives of ice and sweetness
Mi
Somewhere in the middle of the night my head found an uneasy sleep but it hadn’t lasted long and I woke again at about three in the morning. My head hurt and I felt sick as I always did these days but I did not move out of the bed. In light of my recant depression my anti- depressants had been upped again to what felt like an inhuman amount and now every morning before breakfast I had to swallow six bitter little pills. The constant sickness and nausea was cause by this but Dr. Jordan didn’t seemed to care much about side effects and prescribed yet more tablets to stop this and suggested that I kept same bowls in my room as I was mostly sick when I first tried to move in the mornings. He seemed to forget the fact that being sick was uncomfortable and draining not to mention horribly triggering.
The clocks had since gone back so the mornings where now brighter and the unit was soaked in an eyrie glow by 6am. Sometimes if I could find the energy in my self I would sit up pull back the icky speckled curtains and stair out onto the grounds. I used to hate the fact that the fence was so tall and the way the security lights flashed like they where on guard from where they sat proudly on top of it. I used to hate the fact the car park was nearly deserted apart from a few staff cars that would sit there as they worked the night shift in the unit but all those little things seemed not to matter any more. In fact I had become to welcome the enclosure at least in here you where safe from the crowds and demons that lurked out there.
Twice that morning I tried to persuade my body to get up and look out the window but the exercise of doing so had long become just another devise to torture my self with. Every morning I peeked down at the car park longing to see that gleaming red Nissan Note or that soft powder blue Honda Jazz looking back up at me but they where never there any more and it hurt too much to see there empty spaces in the head nurses bays.
As always the rest of the unit started to stir at about seven when the night staff where getting ready to go home at half past and the early shift where getting there bearings and taking there seats in the nurses station or by the doors of there sleeping ambers or reds like ghosts in the night, changing shifting and moving but always there somehow like magic or a curse.
More then once that morning I thought I heard Esmee’s soft and concerned voice asking questions about something or someone but this wasn’t so unheard of. My mind had fooled me and tricked me that she was there before and the same thing happened for Emmet as well. I could remember the day he first walked into my room at the unit and I was so scared of him and how now it seemed so stupid because if he was to walk in that door now I would run up to him, throw my arms around him and try never to let him go. Emmet was the closest thing I had ever felt to how a farther should be but I had lost him and I had lost another sister as well in Esmee. When would the world decide I had lost enough?
My body shook with silent sobbing as I remembered their faces and all the things they had done for me over the six short months I had known them. How they made me feel hope, how they had eased my hurting and how the fact I had allowed my self to become so intertwined with them that it could hurt this much when they where not here any more.
My crying lasted to 8am when the doors started banging open and nurses started calling out names to try and prise reluctant clients out of there beds. Some staff where loud and abrupt about it, smashing doors and pulling open curtains, some where funny and used tickling out of tune singing their favourite songs being Morning has broken and the sun has got his hat on and others where softer… well they used to be softer.
“Mi, come on Hun it’s time to get up and get ready for breakfast A soft deep voice whispered somewhere close to my bed when it was my turn for the wake up call and normally I would have shot up in seconds yanked open my curtains if they all ready hadn’t and scampered off to the bathroom with out saying a world but this morning I could not bring my self to prise my eyes open because for a moment I thought I had drifted back to sleep and for the first time in a long time a pleasant dream had found me. This was Emmet’s wake up call I remembered it so well and I wanted to hold on there for just a few more seconds in dream induced bliss.
“Come on sleepy head, it’s time to open them eyes; we’ve missed you.” I could feel my body tense as the sweet words drifted through me like knives of sweet ice stabbing somewhere into my chest and soon the tears had come back making my whole body shudder and shake as I squeezed my eyes shut tighter the tears dripping out from under my eye lashes and onto my all ready damp pillow.
“So your all ready awake, just can’t face seeing the world just yet then, well that’s OK you’ll get there.” The voice of Emmet said gently just before I felt the familiar hand on my shoulder and the tears came thicker faster and slightly noisier. This dream sequence had once again turned into a night mare. He was there but that hurt because it wasn’t really him and as always with my dreams they where not happy until I was screaming.
“Come on Mi, up you get. Let’s get you dressed and ready and we can have a chat after breakfast see if we can work out why you are feeling quite so down right now.”
Unable to bear it any more I opened my eyes to try and get the voice of Emmet to leave me, but as I opened my eyes he was still there, solid and real knelt down close at the side of my bed just like he had never left there at all. Like the three weeks of hell I had lived though never had happened, and even though I knew I was opening my self up to get torn apart all over again I couldn’t help it as I felt by body leaping off of the side of the bed towards him and onto his lap arms locked solidly around his neck as I sobbed heavily into his chest.
Nine
“So we have covered discharges and learnt some thing.” Emmet smiled gently giving me a wink as he tried to break the silence that had fallen over the office, “What about admissions.”
“Now this is where the fun starts,” Edward sighed rolling his eyes before pointing to the white board that was behind him and riddled with names and basic information. “We got three out and five in. “Looks like you have both been assigned to Madeline Jinx when she comes and Esmee to James Bryan and You have Peter Page with my self and Ava Emmet, so you best get reading up about them. The others are Thomas Walker and Rainy Waters.”
“Well that’s an unfortunate name.” Emmet smiled trying to hold back a giggle under his breath at the same time as me.
“You’re telling me,” Edward smiled
“Well we shouldn’t laugh,” I said snorting any way. “And that’s from someone coming who has had silly last name-itsu all their lives.”
“Your maiden name was worse then bear?” Edward joked just before Emmet went round to his side of the desk and bopped him playfully over his head with an exercise book before going over and giving Alice and giving her the same treatment who had given up on trying to write and now had her whole fist in her mouth trying to stop herself laughing a laugh.
“Well you got to tell us.” Alice prompted trying to keep a straight face
“I would say promise not to laugh but you will any way so I might as well just get on with it. It was monster.”
“So you where an Esmee monster?” Edward said his lips clenched in a thin line across his face before both Alice Emmet and him self burst out into hysterical laughing and I rolled my eyes going over the admissions board to have a closer look.
“Hay, Hay guys!” I shouted above the laughter trying to get there attention. “I think we got Madeline’s Date of birth wrong.” I called working out the numbers in my head twice to make sure I hadn’t got it wrong.
“Nope, we haven’t.”
“But this makes her …
“Nine. We know.” Edward said, “We are as surprised and unhappy about it as you are.”
“We are only licensed for ten and up though.” I said suppressed turning around and bumping into Emmet who had also come to have a closer look at the board.
“If you look she is ten next week and that is when she will be here.”
Never be the same.
I went back to work on the Monday for the early shift as well as Emmet. Ava he been half heartedly trying to keep us in the know how about what was going on but mostly she just refused to talk about it saying I was off of work or a reason. She had even refused to tell me anything about Mi other then she had managed to prise the glass off of her with the help from Bella, Summer and Connor and she had been safe ever since so was now on Entry level observations. My heart had leapt when I heard this because I knew what it meant. Her first visit to our house would be immanent now with the out look of discharging her somewhere in the next four months.
We arrived to work nearly three hours early knowing there would be reams and reams of files to go through before we could get back into the swing of things not to mention any new admissions or changes in condition and when we let our self’s into the office at five that morning we much to the surprise of Alice and Edward who where writing up the night time notes we where glad we had as both white boards where littered with client information and files where day books where strewn all over the place with out much order. It appeared in our absence lots had happened.
“Well you two are a sight for sore eyes even if you are ridiculously early.” Edward said looking up from a day book that he was writing in. “This place really has been a mess with out you. Want the low down?” He smiled at the same time as letting out a sigh.
“Of course. How is every one?
“Well let’s start with Discharges. We have lost Ella, Conner and Jack,” Edward smiled. Discharges because of progress where happy things and these had been in the pipe line for a while. Ella had spent fifteen months with us and was long overdue to be going back home again. Of course with Ella there was always a chance we would be seeing her again as she was a frequent patient in apple gate house but we where always hopeful that one day she would remain well. Jack had been with us for just over six moths and we all saw his anxiety was now under control and he was doing well and Connor had always been a personal favourite of mine. He was hurt badly by his obsessive compulsion to touch hot things and his life had been controlled to the point of self destruction for the need to be clean and for things to be in odd numbers. He had come to us depressed and broken a part nearly a year ago but we saw him come alive and now he did not belong with us any more though a part of me would miss him sorely for a few days.
“No update on Bella’s discharge yet then?” I asked sighing. Her discharge had been planed for almost six weeks earlier but that was before we had found out what she was doing. At first it looked like after almost twelve months of trying she had beaten her eating disorder. She had reached her target weight and maintained it well and it had been a long time since we had to use her PEG or even give her the Ensure. Her move on meetings where good and she had a place lined up for her in a moving on eating disorders rehabilitation unit where the support would be minimal but there in case she needed it but then when I was doing weigh in one morning Everything fell apart.
“Afraid not Ez, like you said she had been on a slippery slope since you found out what she was doing.” Edward sighed before spinning around on his chair and pointing up at the notice board for today’s tasks, the top one being “insertion of NG tube for Bella Reynolds,” Her PEG had been removed in prep for her discharge and in a celebration of it not being needed, it seemed now the choice had been made prematurely.
“I will do it after breakfast.” I said sadly going over to the board and putting my initials beside the task before turning to Emmet to see if he would help. I didn’t have to say anything before he gave a small nod and I wrote his initials next to mine.
“Poor kid, she must still be mortified by what happened.” I moaned softly.
“To be perfectly honest I’m still not sure why she let it get that bed.” Alice said her voice floating in from know where as she pushed one book aside and started on another. I caught the name Mia written on the front and had to restrain my self to stop me throwing my self across the table at it. I was not looking forward to reading what our absence had done to her; or Connors discharge but at least when I new I could start to rebuild some of the rope bridges I had all ready made.
“She was water loading.” I said simply to Alice trying to pull my eyes away from the book she was writing.
“I know she was water loading but water loading or not if I was that desperate to pee I would have just gone. Surly that would have been better then just standing there and wetting your self in front of a nurse. I mean she knew you where going to think something was up if she did that any way. I’m sorry I just don’t get it.” Alice said sharking her head in disbelief which was mimicked by Edward. God these people needed educating.
“Well I get it.” I answered back trying to keep the slight irritation out of my voice.
“Well are you going to let us in on it then?” Alice asked looking up from the book again.
“Just put your self in her shoes. I said as I scanned my eyes down over the rest of the list before coming to the bottom one that read, Try and get Mi to talk, I was confused but quickly wrote Emmet and my self’s initials after it any way I wanted an excuse to spend some time with her.
“The trouble is Esmee none of us have ever been in her shoes have me and there is only so much stuff role play can teach us, to be there would be different and well we just haven’t been.” Alice smiled sadly
“I have.” I responded quietly not sure weather I really wanted her to here me or not. My past at work was unknown to even the staff with the exception of Jean who had only found out recently. It wasn’t because I was purposefully trying to hide it for I was not ashamed of it but in the current times and workings of apple gate house it wasn’t really important and no one had ever asked anyway.
“You have pissed you self in front of a weigh in nurse?” Alice asked simply while she laughed unperturbed by exactly how judgmental and harsh her words sounded against my ears on how if I was weaker she would have brought me to my knees.
“And there it is Alice right there,” I smiled turning away from the board to face her, she needed to learn this lesson now or in years she would turn into a Crystal junior. With out the occasional archer it was very easy to become numb to the suffering around you after years on the job and Alice had been there long enough now to not to care any more. As head nurse it was my job to make sure she did not lose her humanity for all of our sakes.
“There’s what?”
“In that one sentence there you made me feel about three inches tall and completely worthless. Yes I have water loaded and yes I have wet my self in front of the weigh in nurse because that morning I hadn’t calculated it right and drank too much just a little bit too early.” I stated in a matter of fact tone even though in reality right then it felt like I was trying to face the world alone. Alice just stared me like I had announced to them I was actually a man and was going to give up my nursing job to strip in a transgender night club.
“I… I mean… What…I?” Alice babbled her face lighting up in a brilliant red as she fumbled with the book in front of her trying to hide her face behind her hand.
“Look, Alice its fine and I’m sorry, don’t get upset or embarrassed about this I am just trying to help you understand like you asked me too.” I said grabbing a spare chair that was behind one of the desks and pulling it up closer to her sitting down my self.
“Well I feel like an idiot.”
“Don’t your learning and that’s all part of it here,” I smiled putting my hand on her shoulder. “I know that it is easy to make judgments about someone or something they do it’s a natural thing and we all do it all the time; I bet for a second when I said that you thought I was crazy. The thing is you know me better then that right and respect me for what I am now so that’s why your now embarrassed.”
“You just seem like the most unlikely person. Or are you just saying this to make me think?”
“I’m not lying. I came here when I was 16 and I left about a year later,” I said gently but Alice still looked unconvinced.
“Look Emmet will you drive the point home here.” I asked over my shoulder to Emmet who seemed to be standing on guard behind me like I had expected him to be. His protectiveness had gone into overdrive since he found out I was pregnant and this would have been a subject he would of like to have avoided me bringing up on my first day back to work. I was never all that good at talking about my past and at times it had upset me and he knew this as most of the time it had been him I was talking to.
“She was here,” He said stiffly, confirming what I was saying while putting a hand on my shoulder. I nuzzled it gently with my cheek trying to tell him I was OK and moved along with the conversation.
“Besides it doesn’t really matter if I was here or not. What you got to think of is Bella is a human and not just a product of this place and she is ill. All she has heard about for the last few months is her progress, which means all she has seen and heard is everybody now thinks she is fat and she feels bloody horrible about her self yet she hasn’t told any of us because after over 12 months here she wants out so she has found a way to lose the weight and found a deceive to deceive the scales and us in the process so she runs with it and before she knows it she is stuck so deep in the middle of it all she had no idea how to get out and there is no one she feels like she can turn to that wont resort in her stay here being extended so she carries it on. So one morning you have done the same trick as you usually do but as you are getting thinner you obviously have to drink more and more to compensate the weight loss and you realise half way though the weigh in that you really have to go but if you ask the nurse and leave she is going to want a urine sample to make sure your not water loading which would be confirmed when you come back any way because your weights going to have dropped a good few pounds or you weight sit it out and hope that she gets on with it quickly, after all you have been doing this for weeks and you have always made it to the loo before.
So you sit there and it’s uncomfortable and it hurts and quite frankly you feel like crying because of it all until finally she calls you over to the scales you get up and it all happens and once and there is nothing you can do abut it apart from stand there and pee your self in front of everyone and try not to cry from the embarrassment of it all but that isn’t even the worse thing, the worse thing is in the end it would all be for nothing as well because with that your game is up and it will be common knowledge to every one that you are losing weight. Lets be honest here Alice, poor old Bella didn’t have a chance that morning.” I said trying to smile even though somewhere at the back of my eyes I could feel the tears sit. What I had just described was one of my worse times in the unit and t had shoved another four months on my stay. I hated my self for days after it happened and I could never again look at any of the staff with out wanting to run away for each of then had known what happened and in the back of my head I knew when they where copped up in this office together some of them would have been picking fun at it and others would have been shaking there heads in mute disbelief. I felt a shiver go down the back of my spine.
“I think I get it now.” Alice said softly and next to her Edward nodded his approval. They both wore kind and understanding faces but mostly I just felt patronized by them. I had no idea if what I had just done helped Bella or shot my integrity as a nurse up the ass. All I knew is I would now never look the same to Alice and Edward again in the same way as Bella would always look just a little different to me weather I liked to admit it or not.
Moving forward and accepting.
Esmee
Leo had lied. I spent six nights in the hospital and he had only later told me that in reality he had been expecting that length of time. After I left I was eager to get on with things but Emmet had had other ideas that mostly involved me sitting on my ass and twiddling my fingers which I did with out moaning for a few days until after three weeks of watching day time TV and sleeping over twelve hours a day I thought I was going to scream or go completely crazy so I put my foot down and told Emmet I would be returning to work.
The weeks had been good to me no matter how tedious they where and in general I was feeling better then Ever. I had been sleeping well and had cut out the exercise. I was also with out question eating better and taking Vitamins and Folic acid to try and help my pregnancy along as much as I could and so far against all the odds that where stacked up against the little one growing somewhere inside of me my pregnancy was progressing in the normal and healthy way. Routine blood tests had come back absolutely fine and through the means of an ultrasound scan Emmet and my self had heard the tiny heart that we had created together beating away defying every odd against it. By this time in my previous pregnancy’s I had lost three of my five babies, the first one ending at seven weeks, the second at eight and my forth at one day off of nine weeks. Baby three had reached week 10 though he had threatened miscarriage in the seventh week and that only left Mia who was now are bouncy, sticky button know as Mia.
With the news that I was pregnant my symptoms emerged as well which could be tiresome but carried there own joys in a certain way. There was something that was OK even good about having a bucket under my chair at the table for it had become common knowledge that I would puke almost exactly one minute after I finished my breakfast, and I also didn’t mind the fact that I also found my self vomiting at any point during the morning with only a few minutes warning either. I did not mind the fact that I now apparently had the bladder of an ant which sent me running to the low every few hours and I even cared very little about the fact I had not made it to the bathroom on more then one occasion. In fact it caused much hilarity to Emmet as we where also trying to potty train Mia and during breakfast he would bets on about who would Pee them self more that day. Was all of this embarrassing? Completely but it also didn’t matter for with only one other pregnancy had o experienced these kind of symptoms and that was Mia’s If my tiny little baby was causing these things they did not matter in the slightest because it was because of her and my heart all ready ached with the love I felt for it. Of course the most exciting of all the new pregnancy developments was the bump. I was early on and the bump was little but Emmet and my self could see it there and countless hours where spent talking singing and rubbing it. Of course we know the reality that probably waited for this bump but that is what made it all the more important for we both know at any moment on any day it could all slip away again. It would kill us inside we would cry a lot but we would and could move on again. We had Mia and we had each other if it happened it wouldn’t feel like enough but it was.
