Hay everyone! first off, no throwing your laptop on the floor or throwinng a brick through your desk top after reading this as i nearly did even though i was the one who wrote it! I can ber so infureating! and second i want to point out the fact that Esmee has randomly agesd up three years acording to this chapter and i want to explane. what i post here is a first draft of the finished story what i am sending to you all by e-mail slwowly all be it but i'm getting there and i have just realised that Esmee's timeline of events is very very tight almost impossably so so i have had to put a few years on her, three to be exact. So for all the times i have said  Esmee is 27 and Emmet is 30 that has now changed to Esmee is 30 and Emmet is 33! I hope you know what i mean and sorry about all the confushion,
i hope you are still enjoying reading this take care
love vikki

p.s i should write that there maybe a trigger here for some!


Normally

I told my self to be cool before I answered the phone and not to worry him by sounding upset but of course all that went out the window as I pressed the green button on the phone and his frantic voice swam into me.

“Esmee, Esmee where are you where have you gone? Ingrid said she saw you leave the unit and now I can’t find you, are you ok?” The tears come think and fast with no warning and instead of the calm and cool collected voice I had told my self to use I landed up sobbing loudly down that phone at him sounding as much like a lost five year old as I could considering I was actually 30 years old.

“Esmee, sweetheart, what’s happened? Where are you? It is all right honey it’s going to be fine just take some deep breaths and talk to me, tell me where you are and I will come and get you.”

Inside I berated my self for causing him this worry, I had told my self not to react in the way I told my self to react, the way I normally was, a strong independent nurse but I couldn’t get my self to stop crying so I settled for telling him to meet me out side the unit grounds in a chocked sob.

“Esmee are you OK though? Are you hurt, well I can hear your hurting but are you physically hurt or something because if you are don’t wait for me call for an ambulance and I will meet you at A&E!

“I’m OK, I’m not hurt.” I pushed out though my tears, “just meet me there Emmet, please.” I asked again before pushing the red button on my phone and stumbling back out of the hedges while holding my breath to try and stop myself crying and brushing the leaves off of my self so I looked a little bit less like a character from a Dr. who episode and more like my normal self.

Once back on the path I started running again (even though a walk would of looked slightly less strange) the way I came, I had always enjoyed running and still did, I tried to tell my self the reason I did was something other then a reaction from my eating disorder days but deep inside I new that was a lie. My love for running was only founded when I realised it burnt an amazing amount of calories but once I was running I realised there where other reasons too, more subtle back then maybe but now they where the prominent reasons why I ran; I hoped. So why the hell was my internal calorie counter sparked up and counting away as my feet pounded against the tarmac?

“Esmee enough!” I shouted at my self out loud trying to pull my pace back into a walking position but only managing to go to a Jog rather then a full on sprint. It was better then nothing I new that, it still meant I had some marginal control but it wasn’t what I usually had, normally I wouldn’t of even started counting the calories, normally I just stopped running when I had to, normally I wouldn’t have thought twice about making my self sick behind those bushes I would have just walked away. Normally I wouldn’t have found that fact that I could once again squeeze my self back into a pair of size 10 jeans so exhilarating as It had been that morning before I went to work and normally I would have put both better and jam on my toast that morning instead of just jam…

“hello Esmee, remember me?”

I stopped running instantly jamming the brakes on coming to an abrupt stop just around the corner from Apple gate house as I heard that voice again before I screwed my eyes shut and praying it was a memory that had caught me for a second and I would not here it again for it could not be back, it was impossible. I had sentenced her away from me forever, pulled her to pieces and locked her away before drowning her in the deepest of seas.

“Esmee”

“It was impossible, it was so damn unfair, it was Amy.