Take care!
vikki
A dot in the distance
Esmee
Emmet’s face looked like I had just got a knife out of my knickers and stabbed him in the chest with out any warning or reason as to why and I felt my heart rip as his face crumpled into tears as quickly as any child could; I had hurt him again, yet I new I was going to do that when I asked for the damn divorce but it was a lesser evil then the alternative which was him living as my personal nurse and care giver for the rest of his time on this earth.
I had been considering ways to cut him free from me since the day I had met him, I had even cried my heat out in the bathrooms at are wedding reception after we had got married thinking I had yet trapped him further and further down a dead end when he could have had the whole world. Yet I had always known deep in me to get him to leave and live a full life I would have to sacrifice everything for I new as long as I was around he would never leave me because of his loyalty; even If he no longer loved me.
“Esmee…please.” Emmet chocked his whole body shaking from his effort to try and talk over his own tears, “I love you.”
“but I don’t love you,” I lied even touch I could feel my heart rip apart making my whole body fill up with searing burning blood that pushed angrily at the surface of the skin. I would have to cut when It was over and I was alone, I would have to find the sharpest thing I could and open at least one vain so I could bleed enough to make the badness slip away so I could safely drive the rest of the way to the train station where I could find piece under a train.
“You mean it don’t you? I knew I was never good enough for you but I always hoped that my love would be enough to sustain you and for a while we where great weren’t we?” Emmet smiled, his tone one of utter desperation. “Esmee I will do whatever it takes, if you would just change your mind, We could go anywhere, I would become any one, and I would give you anything. Just don’t leave me.” Emmet sobbed grabbing hold of my wrists franticly his nails digging into my skin until I could feel blood come to the surface and gather under his nails; I didn’t even wince and he didn’t even notice.
“I will always love you Emmet, but just not like that.” I said trying to keep my voice as gentle and level as possible though inside I was braking apart just as much as he was.
“But we…”
“No, we couldn’t I don’t love you Emmet and I don’t want you in my life any more” I almost growled trying to hide my own tears behind a wall of pretend anger.
“Well I guess I won’t need this then.” Emmet stuttered one last time before yanking his wedding ring off of his finger opening the door and lobbing it over 100 feet through the air into a group of trees and flowers before I followed suit pulling the wedding band and diamond engagement ring off of my finger for the first time since Emmet has placed them there before opening my door and pretending to throw them In the same general direction as he had where as in all honesty I kept them safe in my scrunched up hand; I could never have thrown them away, I would die with those rings on my fingers and the hope that somehow he new that I still loved him more then he could ever really know.
“I’m sorry Emmet,” and with one final devastating howl he jumped out of the car and sprinted away from me and full speed while I watched him, my own tears now falling, as he became nothing but a dot in the distance.
Burning will do
As soon as Emmet was gone I imploded my brain and my body attempting to do a thousand different things to comfort its self at the same time, from the harsh crying to the projectile vomiting that caught be by where I could only just hang my head outside the door in time to avoid throwing up into Emmet’s foot well of his car but none of it mattered as much as my frantic searching did. Something sharp; I needed anything sharp.
I desperation I started searching the body work of the car for something I could brake to make something sharp with out going so low as to smash the window, I would if I had to, but it would have got peoples attention and I wanted to be alone. Cutting I had discovered some time ago was a game better played alone.
In a mixture of internal pain and frustration I growled and tried to shimmy over to the driver’s side to continue my search for a weapon when the weapon found me as I knocked it with the corner of my leg. It wasn’t sharp but it was dangerous enough and it would do the job at injuring me with out to much trouble but it wouldn’t make me bleed; I needed to bleed however with out hesitation I leant forward and pressed the cigarette lighter in on Emmet’s car and waited with trembling anticipation for it to warm up.
The letter
With a shaking had I leant forward and fumbled with the now red hot lighter while unbolting the cuff on my blouse trying to find a space on my lower arm. There where few left after years and years of cutting; in fact there where none, so I settled of a place of lighter scaring and pressed the nib of the scolding lighter into my flesh.
The pain was ridicules; far more painful then cutting would have been yet I only moved the lighter as I felt the burning eat through my layers of skin and begin to blister when in half relief I had found some way of hurting my self and half from the fact the sever pain the lighter had caused was gone I sat back against the seats in the car and breathed heavily as I watched my chest rise and fall in sharp unsatisfying gulping breaths as I tried to calm me self down enough to drive to the train station; I would not put other people in danger by driving badly on the roads even if both of them would result in the ending of my life.
Somewhere between hyperventilation, the want to create even more second degree burns on my arm and the need to vomit more bile onto the streets again I reached into the glove box with a shaking had to try and find a piece of paper and a pen which he always kept there along with his NHS badge. I almost laughed through my tears as I saw his much younger face staring back at me; the same coy smile and the same warm jade eyes. He was happy in that photo proud of his new licence and new job and a few years later I would own the same badge just with my nervous smile and cool back eyes as I prepared to step back into the same place where I had once been a client. Yet now it all seemed so stupid and so over I always new one day I would land up killing my self.
Grabbing the big A4 note pad and a pen out of the glove box I flipped though the pages to find a blank piece where I could write my last note to him when an white envelope fell out onto my lap my name written in a messy scrawl on the front that was hardly readable though the water stain that had made all the letters roll into one.
His goodbye
Trembling more then I would of liked I opened the envelope and unfolded the piece of paper that was full of crossings out and was streaked with water smudges that could have only been made my tears. Through the writing was hardly readable I had become used to this certain style over the tears and could make the words out fine even with the staining and all the heavy crossings out; it was Emmet’s writing.
Dear Esmee
I hoped that it would never come to this; I prayed all the time that you would never have to look through my car and find this letter because if you have it would suggest that you have left me and I am dead.
You have never known exactly how much I loved you, always thinking duty or loyalty has kept by you side from the start but it has never been about that really, and although I tried to tell you all of the time you have never believed me but it has always been about my love for you; and oh how I loved you.
I never felt the kinds of feeling I have when I am you. When I found you I found out the answer to every mans hardest question, what is the meaning of life? For me of course it was simple. It was you. Only you and from the moment I set eyes on you I realised with out you there the meaning would be gone, that darkness would descend upon me and everything else around me and there would be nothing and after the life I have lived with you; after feeling the pure outstanding joy I have felt with you I could not live in a black world so I would have to go.
So this if you haven’t guessed by now is my suicide note. I am not sure how I would of gone but it would have been something ultimate and a sure fire way so I wont just land up in a bed at apple gate house and you won’t have to feel like you have too look after me, this isn’t about blackmailing you into staying with me, if you want to go your own way you must and I will support that but I have to go my way too and I new long ago there was no life worth living with out you there to live it wit me.
So I’m dead. (god that feels weird writing that when I am still clearly alive) but I want to take this one last opportunity to tell you that I still love you and weather I am alive or dead I will always really love you. Look after Mia for me, she needs you and loves you almost as much as I do and tell I her I died for something I loved; an oh wasn’t she beautiful.
I love you Esmee, I have always loved you and maybe this last stand will finally prove it to you. Take care my honey bear and maybe one day I will see you again.
Lots of love
Emmet.
This time I couldn’t get my head out the door fast enough and vomited all over my self and the car. Emmet was going to kill himself and I might not be fast enoug
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