\Broken glass
I wondered around the room, half-dazed with my music up high. It was clear even to my self at this point that I had lost control. I threw another handful of Paracetamol into my mouth with some cola and swallowed with a grimace. Paracetamol was not my pill of choice to kill my self with, but I had little chance of sneaking my anti-depressants away from Annie and Paul with out them knowing. The doctor had told them to guard those little pink pills with their life and never ever let me have more then one at a time. They did this job well. Paracetamol on the other hand was readably available from any shop. It had not been hard to get a load.
I had been repeatedly told that I had been a pain to place. When I say place, I mean with foster parents. It was plastered all over my folder that I had high ‘special needs’ and ‘complex issues’. This was a polite way of saying ‘she gets over excited with razor blades and likes to try and off her self when given the opportunity’. Even though I was classed as an emergency it took my social worker ages to find someone who would take me on. In desperation they called Annie and Paul. Hardly a top choice for some one with as many difficulties as me but they had to do. My mother refused to keep me another day and even though they had a 12-month-old daughter of there own, Annie and Paul offered and Maggie (my social worker) hollered sold!
Under the cover of the ear splitting music, I casually knocked a glass of water off my bedside table and watched the glass shatter on the hard floor instantly; the sharp edges shone up at me like little angels from heaven. Glass normally wouldn’t have been my first weapon of choice either: I much preferred razor blades, carefully extracted from the grips of the safety razor. Or a shiny new blade retrieved with a tiny screwdriver from the inside of a pencil sharpener. However, with the arrival of me, a locking cabinet was bought and all razors and pencil sharpeners where locked away. If there was one thing that Annie and Paul did well, it was caring- they were smart too, but I had been playing this game longer then they had: I would always win. I did not want to hurt them, but I wanted to die, suicide is never painless regardless of what people say. There are always casualties.
I did not know very well about the in’s and outs of cutting with glass. I did not know how to hold it or how hard I should press or anything like that. That was the thing with your chosen weapon, when you self harmed after a while you became used to it. Knew how to handle it knew exactly the right amount of pressure to apply to get exactly the kind of cut you wanted. It was almost like a sick kind of Art. The art of mutating your own skin to a standard that was right for you.
Doing my best with a foreign tool, I turned my arm over and studied it, finding a good spot I slashed the piece of glass down upon my wrist.
Sausage and beans
My skin split an inch or so and a fountain of deep red blood pumped out of my arm, lightly covering my T-shirt and reaching my face. Stunned, I stumbled backwards and tripped over my own feet, falling to the floor. Though no longer spurting, blood poured out of me onto the floor causing a sizeable puddle to collect next to me, Paracetamol packets as islands in the middle. I had gone too deep but I was paralysed, mesmerised, at the liquid coming from my arm like a tap. I was not panicking; I was calm. My mind was growing fuzzy but entirely focussed on my bleeding arm. The truth was, I would die within ten minutes it didn’t matter; the tablets would do that eventually any way and at that precise moment, I didn’t mind dying when I was feeling like that, calm and peaceful. The bigger the pool of blood, the better my mood became.
Just at that moment, a hand rapped on my door as the handle turned.
“Right Mi, Paul and I have got sausage, mash and veg for dinner. Do you want me to do you some beans as I know you hate….” Her face became deathly pale as she set her eyes on the blood puddle that had now almost spread to the door. “Christ Mia,” Annie shouted, shooting over to me kneeling down in the blood. “Oh my god Mi!”
I was slumped up against the side of my bed trying to grip onto the floor with my dirty fingernails to stop the room going around. Annie pulled my top off over my head and squeezed it around my open wound, holding it above my head. I simply stared. “Paul, call 999!” She screamed again as footsteps ran up the stairs and into the hallway. The door swung open again
“Wh…. Shit!” I heard three beeps of a number on the phone then with one last smile, happy in my own way to let it all be over, I let the darkness wash over me, embracing the end of time.
In blue
“Mia… Mia, open your eyes Mia.” Somebody shook the top of my body. “Come on Mia open your eyes for me Mia.” I opened one eye- I was laying on my side on the cold floor. I seemed to be in the recovery position. There was a pool of vomit beside my face and there where drips coming from both hands with my feet raised up on pillows. Tubes ran up my nose and the room was going round quicker then a fair ride. “Mia, Mia, My names Rachel, I’m a paramedic Ok, your going to be Ok love.” Her words stabbed through my head: that was the last thing I actually wanted to hear.
With my last ounce of strength I grunted and rolled over away from her. The movement made my stomach lurch and I threw up, instantly choking. Another paramedic pulled me over to face him and he opened my mouth. Vomit trickled out the side. I was a mess.
“Wow honey, you have got to stay still for me all right?” I nodded, too tired to actually try and move again.
“Is she going to be ok?” I heard Annie ask.
“We will do are best, we just have to get her into the ambulance.” Annie took a sharp intake of breath. “I…I should call Maggie.” Out the corner of my eye I saw Annie cover her face and leave the room. Paul struggled with him self for a while then decided he should stay with me. I felt bad; I never wanted to hurt them, as far as a foster family go Paul and Annie were good to me. Still though, I relaxed a little bit knowing there was still hope that I might not make it out of this alive.
“It’s soaked through another one.” I heard Rachel say from the other side of me. “We have really got to get her to the hospital so we can stop the bleeding”
“She isn’t going to be able to walk out there though and her blood pressure is dangerously low” He looked over at a small monitor in his hand.”
“I’ll go and get the trolley. Look at her, she can’t weigh much we should be able to get her out without to much trouble. You’ll give us a hand won’t you?” She asked Paul
“Sure”
“Right Mia”
“Mi, I hate Mia.” My lips were almost stuck together with an un-identifiable grunge but I still had to tell him. Mia sent shivers down my spine; every one sounded so angry when they called me Mia. I shouldn’t have cared but their anger made me hate my self and I couldn’t cope with hating my self any more. Tears swam over my eyes and if there was one thing every one knew about me it was that I never cried in front of any one else if I could help it, it was my only golden rule.
“Sorry Mi. Rachel’s gone to get the stretcher out of the ambulance. When she comes back in we are going to lift you onto there and get you out to the ambulance Ok.
“I don’t want to.”
“Christ Mia!” I heard Paul bark from the other side of the room “What the hell do you mean? You need serious help! What did you do this for any way? What would’ve happened if Annie brought Rosy in? You would of scared her for life, that little girl loves the ground you walk on!” There was real venom in Paul’s voice that I had never heard before and it stabbed at my heart like a knife. All I could do was whimper like a wounded animal and twist my body - anything I could do to hold back the tears.
“All right Mr. Wild, I know it is hard but try and keep it calm. Mi needs to avoid getting upset if at all possible.” The paramedic turned to me “Could you tell me how many tablets you have taken Mi?”
“Not enough”
Paul turned and walked away, and there it was. The only family that would take me in for miles around had walked out on me. All I had left was two strangers dressed in green, vomit, blood and the cool blue lights from the ambulance out side illuminating the room as the sun went down.
Blues and two’s
I was moved out of the house and into the back of the ambulance, which was now moving slowly down the road. Annie was too upset on the phone to Maggie trying to work out how it had happened and Paul was too angry join me in the ambulance. I hated my self.
“You’re sure you can’t remember how many you took Mi, not even roughly? Rachel asked me. She was now fusing about with various monitors and putting things through the drip in the back of my hand. She stared intently at the screen. “Here.” She pulled the tubes out of my nose and put a mask over my face. “It’s just oxygen but it will make you feel better, they work better then the tubes. Just if you’re going to be sick take it off Ok? So how many tablets then?”
“I Don’t know, lots”
“Well roughly, 10, 20, 50,100,0ver 100?”
“Bout 100.” She scribbled something down on the back of her glove.
“Why?” I closed my eyes. I knew this was coming and I had no intention of answering it. No mater how much I protested that I was evil and stupid and should be allowed to die there was no way any one was ever going to agree with me. This was their job you see, to be the first response. They were the ones who could save a life and to them, I was just a little kid who had a hard start in life. I was just another one that they had to save. All be it this time it was from themselves.
“Damn it” Rachel shouted springing to her feet as a monitor beeped and my body grew heavy with sleep. The ambulance started spinning around as I felt her throw my wrist back into the air again and squeeze hard. A puddle had been forming on the floor of the ambulance. The monitor beeped more persistently and my vision blurred over again. My whole body shook, but I was so hot.
“All right back there Rach?”
“I think it might be time for some blues and two’s.” She called back lowering the trolley so it was flat with my feet in the air.
“Right oh.” A piercing screech filled my head and blue flashes shot threw my eyes as the darkness embraced me.
Mia Dorado
“Mia, come on Mia open your eyes again.” A girl asked. I struggled to open my eyelids for eternity before giving up. I wanted to sleep. My body felt like it was swaying from side to side and my head was splitting in two. I felt sick. Here was another misunderstanding about suicide. It was not physically painless. I was in more pain now then I had ever felt before. Every part of me ached and every bump made me want to hurl all over again. My mouth was dry and I couldn’t speak. I was hot and I was cold all at the same time. It actually felt like I was dying. A guy’s voice broke through the buzzing in my ears
“This is Mia Dorado, Likes to be called Mi, Her foster family called us when they found her slumped by her bed bleeding heavily.” There was lots of blood at the scene and we haven’t been able to stop the blood flow – a transfusion will be necessary. There is a sever laceration to the right wrist which has possibly hit a main artery. Blood pressure is through the floor and oxygen levels are unstable. She has also taken an overdose of standard Paracetamol, a rough estimate of 100 to 120 of 500mg tablets. She has been fading in and out since we got to her and at times has been unresponsive.”
“Mi... Mi, I’m one of the A&E doctors Ok I am going to look after you.” I didn’t want looking after. I just wanted to be left alone. It didn’t matter if I died; I did this to my self with that one purpose in mind. In my view, life was over all ready. The doctor went off shouting names of medication and numbers to the hovering nurses. I just closed my eyes - nothing mattered.
“Mi open your eyes for me, I need you to stay awake.” A nurse said who had my arm raised above my head, wrapping more bandages around the wound. The blood was relentless in its flow.
“I need the antidote to Paracetamol and a surgeon down here as quickly as you can please, and a check on her blood type, she’s going to need some more juice.
“I’m ok.” I moaned half asleep.
“Yeah we are going to look after you.”
“You don’t need to, I’m OK now.” I closed my eyes again this time I was smiling. Somewhere in the distance a monitor went off. A nurse yelled something and every one started running towards me. I was gone.
Life in cartoon motion
The warm evening sun softly kissed my skin like a fallen angel from heaven. It was cooler then it had been all day but the smooth rays still warmed me from the inside out. The sky was a perfect burnt red and the waves lapped lazily at the shore. I pushed my toes in and out of the sand and smiled as my little girl once again fell onto her bottom, her nappy had all ready absorbed most of the sea so cushioned her fall. With a slightly shocked look on her face she clumsily got back to her feet again. She had only recently found her feet but now nothing could stop her on the quest to explore every bit of her still little world.
“Come on Aurora, come to mummy.” I clapped my hands and her face lit up, she stopped dead with the biggest smile over her face and started bobbing up and down on the spot squealing with glee.
Aurora was my beautiful little princess, sent to me from above on the wings of a dream. Her dark hair shone in the last sunlight of the day and her open mouth grin made me warm all over. Her dark brown eyes where mine to get lost in. Her baby fat suited her perfectly, standing there in her little pink Pokka dot swimming costume with her Disney princess armbands - I felt like the luckiest person in the world. Aurora was truly the most beautiful baby and the best part was she was my Daughter.
“Come on monkey, come to mummy! Mummy wants you” My husband stood behind her tapping her on the back encouraging her onwards. Aurora stopped turned around to face her daddy and held her arms up in the air deciding it would be quicker if she hitched a lift on the daddy express train, and Jasper, being the push over that he was, obliged immediately. Scooping her up into the air, he lifted her above his head and onto his shoulders. They looked so perfect like this you could have photographed them and put them on a poster advertising the little beach that we had spent our day on.
“Come on then” Jasper said tickling his daughter while he jogged the little distance to where I was still sitting in the doorway of the little tent we had brought along with us. Jasper stopped just short of me and dropped Aurora gently into my awaiting arms where I could give her the biggest hug. Aurora giggled more and snuggled into me making me all soggy too. I didn’t care; I was just glad that I had them both here with me. They made my life complete.
Somewhere near us I heard the familiar jingle of the ice cream van that had been coming around every so often to the beach all day. I never normally let Aurora have sugary things but it just seemed the end to the perfect day. An ice cream on the beach cuddled together with my daughter and husband, then a quick nappy change before getting in the car and going home. Jasper would then read Aurora a short bed time story as I listened in by the door and then we would have the rest of the evening to our selves.
“You want an Ice cream Aurora?” The happy squeaking came back again, which I took as a yes. I turned to Jasper. “You want one too?” He nodded and I turned around to look to see where he had parked but though the bells seamed to play out I couldn’t see it anywhere.
“Well what you waiting for Mi, it’s not going to come to you, I’ll look after Aurora”. Jasper giggled.
“Where is it? I can’t see it.”
“Open you eyes Mi” Jasper laughed “its right over there, right in front of your eyes.”
“No really I can’t see it.”
“Oh come on Mi open you eyes, Open your eyes for me Mi”
I struggled again to look into the distance and saw the glow of a monitor and a heavily bandaged bloody hand in front of my face.
“Hello Mi, I’m Jasper Summers. I am one of the ICU nurses and I’m going to be looking after you, nice to have you back with us.” shit.
Waking up
My arm was up by my head, a large bulky blood stained bandage encasing it. I couldn’t feel it. My sight was the only sense persuading me it was actually there. My body ached. I pulled my good arm up to pull the things out of my nose.
“No you don’t” Jasper said turning his attention away from one of the drips and gently putting my arm down by my side. “Its oxygen, you have to leave that in.” I groaned trying to take in my surroundings. Everything was a shiny white and cream, illuminated by different lights on monitors; the different beeps seemed to be trying to perform an off key symphony. Ghastly floral curtains were parted around the beds, all of them open. An old man in the bed next to me had more tubes then skin visible. His chest mechanically rising and falling with the ventilator, his skin an ash gray with his eyes closed in a drug educed sleep. Jasper closed the curtains around me.
“How are you feeing?”
“I can’t move my arm”
“I will get a doctor to explain in a bit.”
“My throat feels like a rat’s cage.” I giggled
“Here,” Jasper poured some water from a jug on my bedside table and handed me a cup. “You where incubated which means we had to put a tube down you throat and breath for you. You have been sedated for a few days; that’s why your mouth and throat are a little bit sore.” Jasper’s voice was kind and gentle though I had no idea why, I had done this to my self and I wasn’t exactly grateful for the treatment. If it wasn’t for a damn question about beans I would probably have been dead.
“Why are you being so nice to me?” Jasper smiled.
“Because you are sick and need my help. It doesn’t matter how you got here, to be honest that just means you need looking after more.” I shook my head but didn’t argue the case, he was looking after me and it was rude to throw that back in his face.
“Could you pop this under your arm for me please?” I lifted up my arm and Jasper popped a temperature under and waited. “All good, I’ll go and get the doctor for you. You never know, you might even be aloud out of the ICU today.”
“Am I going home?” I asked surprised.
“Oh no, sorry love just down to the paediatric ward. It will be better for you down there though, A bit more to do, and no scary old people.” Jasper whispered the last bit, giggled and walked away pulling the curtains back so it could sink in exactly where I was and it certainly wasn’t heaven.
Doctor Richardson, paediatric care bear
A while later a very jolly looking doctor bounced beside my bed carrying a group of books and folders across her chest. She was a short slim woman with a smile to big for her delicate features, she wore her chestnut hair up in a clip at the nape of her neck and she had rosy cheeks.
“Hello Mia, my name’s Dr. Helen Richardson and I’m one of the paediatric doctors. I’ve come here to see how you’re feeling after you’ve woken up.” Her voice vomited sunshine all over my bed. It was wrong but I instantly hated her
“It’s Mi”
“Oh silly me.” She beamed giggling a fake laugh. “It is written down here” I actually wanted to growl at her.
“So Mi, what brings you to us?” Idiot, She new better then I did why I was in here. I had been in a coma while a machine breathed for me; she’d been making the decisions for god knows how long. I glanced down to my heavily bandaged blood stained arm “That’s right!” Doctor Richardson chirped “You hurt your poor arm and had to have an operation, poor armie!” She pulled her face into an unnatural pout. It was becoming obvious to me that Doctor Richardson had skipped med school and graduated from care bare school. I glared at her.
“Why can’t I feel my arm?” I snapped a little bit more forcefully then I intended. I didn’t mean to be rude and I recoiled a little. Dr. Richardson’s face fell into a grimace. Something about it made my stomach lurch uncomfortably. Anything that could make this care bare grimace could not be good news.
“When you hurt your arm… The cut was pretty deep. You sliced two tendons and several nerves, even the artery. We repaired the artery and the tendons but with this type of injury you may never get full use of your hand again. The wound, we hope, will make a better recovery.” The news did not really register right away- my whole body and mind had been numb long before this, I just nodded. She looked surprised; maybe my indifference to becoming disabled crapped all over her care bear and attitude.
“Your liver’s Ok at the moment” She beamed at me again, obviously the coverings had been lifted again and she was back to her smiley self.
“We are still doing 2 hourly blood tests at the moment but thanks to that.” She smiled up to one off the bags pumping stuff into my hand “Your going to be OK” I shrugged, once again the numbness that had protected me for so long replaced the gnawing sensation in my stomach. I didn’t want to be Ok. That wasn’t the original plan and now I didn’t have the use of my hand. My heart sunk.
“So then Mi, Why?” I was confused at what she meant for a while. My concentration was on blocking everything out and trying to maybe force out a little smile for Dr. Care Bear but was so far failing I didn’t feel like smiling. I didn’t feel anything, including my arm.
Inside torture
“So,” Dr Richardson’s voice seemed to pull me back to earth and my eyes looked up to meet hers. I suppressed the urge to shout ‘what’ back into her face. “Why did you do this then?”
“I don’t know” I mumbled
“You don’t know why you tried to kill your self?” Her voice was still thick with an upbeat happiness and she had the biggest smile stretched over her face. It did not suit the mood of her last question and I began to wonder if she had plastic surgery so it was stuck that way.
“I don’t want to live anymore.” I said my voice so muted now I was surprised that she heard me.
“Why’s that though, what could be that bad?” I couldn’t answer so I turned my head away to look at the curtains, my soul felt like it was being crushed in on it self. I wasn’t even sure my self why I wanted to die.
“Living feels like I am being tortured to death every day. It feels like it is eternally ripping me apart.” I turned my face to look at Dr Care Bear again. Her smile seemed to falter a little but she managed to retain it. She encouraged me on. “It feels like there is a black hole in my stomach engulfing everything.” I said turning away to stare into the curtain again “I can not remember the last time I felt anything but this gnawing inside of me.” I swallowed hard. “I just figured death would hurt less then the torture.” I looked back at Dr. Care Bear but the smile was gone from her lips now, the room suddenly seemed darker and colder too.
“I see.” Doctor Richardson said and she did not smile again. Only I could depress the paediatric care bear.
Sky light
Sky light unit was the brightest place in the hospital. That’s the only thing I could really say about it. Every wall, every curtain, even every nurse was in some form of primary colour. I was in Butterfly ward. There where 5 wards all in all not including the numerous side wards. My place in all of this was butterfly 2; 2 being my bed number. I was moved from the ICU by Doctor Richardson and was put here. For how long they didn’t know but they assured me it wouldn’t be much longer.
“Hi there honey, how you feeling?” I was shocked to see Annie approaching my bed with an arm full of Rosy gabbling along to her self from her mum’s hip.
I shifted my weight in the bed so I could sit up to receive the toddler into my lap. I loved her like she was my own; her soft skin against my body and her sweet scent was the only thing that could make me genuinely smile these days.
“Hello baby” I said smothering the top of her head with kisses. Somehow she managed to ease the hopeless despair that I continuously felt, soothed the black hole that raged in my stomach.
“How you feeling now Mi, I was so worried about you. They wouldn’t let me see you while you where in the ICU, and then they were telling me you where having surgery, and … look at your arm.” Annie gently picked up my bandaged arm into her had and planted a kiss on it, “Oh honey.”
I couldn’t bring my self to talk to Annie or even look at her, I felt so bad for what I did to her that her gaze felt like it was burning me all over.
“Mi?”
“I’m sorry,” Was all I could mumble before I went back to stroking Rosie’s wispy hair. She promptly snuggled into me and put her thumb in her mouth, staring at the bright colours on the TV screen that was hanging beside my bed.
“Don’t be sorry Mi, this isn’t your fault. I’m just glad you’re on the mend. In Rhesus, when you stopped breathing, you looked like you where never going to come round again.”
“I stopped breathing?” Annie nodded, tears filling up her eyes. What I hated the most is instead of fear or regret or at the very least being thankful to the doctors who effectively brought me back to life, at that moment a part of me was rigged with rage and hatred for them. For the shortest of time I was dead and they spoiled that.
Another Doctor.
A Dark, tall shadow breached the light out side my curtains. Instantly, I stiffened my grip on Rosy, protective of the small bundle in my arms. I don’t know why but the pending intrusion sent shivers down my spine. The curtains were pulled back and a tall man slipped in. I gripped tighter too Rosy again till she looked around at me. I smiled to comfort her before looking back at the man.
“Hi ya Mi, I’m Doctor Jordan, I’m sorry – I didn’t know you had visitors with you at the moment. Are you Mum?” He said turning his attention to Annie who was sitting in the chair her warm smile across her face. She extended her hand to shake Dr, Jordan’s.
“No, I’m Mi’s foster mother. She’s staying with us for the time being.”
“What about this little princess then?”
“That’s Rosy, my Daughter, as you can see she is very attached to Mi.” Dr Jordan bent down and stroked the back of Rosy’s hand. My body tensed around her again trying to protect her from this strange man.
“I was wondering if it would be possible to have a chat with Mi alone?” His eyes settled on me for the first time, a swirling liquid blue penetrating into my chest. It took my breath away and I had to look away before I threw up.
“Sure no problem, we will just go and get a coffee.” Annie swooped over and in one movement removed Rosy from my iron grasp, once again making me breathless and I had to bring my knees up to my chest and wrap my arms around them to hold my self together, to stop my lungs bursting. Annie smiled and disappeared around the curtains.
“Don’t leave me,” Was the only thing I could manage to whisper under my breath as the curtains swished back into place signalling she had gone
So the tears flow
Doctor Jordan sat down at the end of my bed and watched me intently with his paralyzing eyes. I rocked back and forth slightly arms tight around my legs trying desperately not to look into his eyes.
“What’s going on for you right now?” His voice sounded warm and caring enough but still something kept my back up.
“Nothing, I’m Ok,” I lied.
Dr Jordan didn’t look convinced but he backed off which I was grate full for.
“I’m a child physiatrist.” He continued “The doctors asked me to come and have a chat with you. I understand you took quite a few more tablets then you should have.”
I nodded in response still not willing to look into his eyes “You cut your arm quite deeply to?” I nodded again. “Did you want to die?”
The bluntness of the question caught my attention and I looked directly at him, stopping rocking. His features where plain and unreadable as if he had asked this some what strange question a thousand times before and I was shocked into speaking, I wasn’t sure why.
“Yes”
“Was there a reason?” That was a new why of asking why but still I answered.
“Not really, I just couldn’t take it any more. Nothings really wrong apart from my self loathing. I truly hate everything about me. The worse thing is I’m not even sure why.” I smiled a bitter smile and Doctor Jordan responded with one in return.
` He shifted his weight on my bed to look more at me His face seemed concerned but he had practiced this a thousand times before, I was no different then the other kids he saw. All with there own reasons for trying to escape the world.
“Is there nothing else you can do to make you feel better? Can’t you cry?” He asked.
I was struck by the strange question and I let the corners of my mouth form into a giggle, then a laugh, then hysterics.
“You have no idea do you.” I laughed “this isn’t like falling over and scraping your knee when you where two, or your best friend telling you she isn’t going swimming with you anymore at the weekend. This is insane. This is drowning in the deepest lake, this is a thousand elastic bands strapped around your chest. This,” I said pointing to the deep red scars on my arm that didn’t have a bandage wrapped around it, “Is cutting them free.”
“I understand.”
“No you don’t!” I said raising my voice a little bit “no one does.”
“I do.” Dr Jordan’s hand twitched on the sleeve of his shirt and he pulled it up slightly. Long white perfect parallel scars crept up his arms from his wrist to his elbow. I couldn’t help my self I put my arm and traced my fingers over the white marks. Each one slightly raised and soft against my finger tips. I breathed in deeply and let in out in short sharp jerks before tearing my eyes away and retracting my hand.
“I’m sorry. I shouldn’t… I mean… I couldn’t…I….I…”
“It’s Ok Mi…It’s all right.”
“I want to stop, I really do, I want to be able to live here and I want to be able to just feel normal some of the time, but I can’t and I can’t live like this. I want to die. I wish they never saved me.” I said my voice cracking with tears and two falling down over my cheeks. “I want to die.” I whispered two tears falling from my tear filled eyes, “I’m done with this, I want out.” I moaned through my hands.
“It’s all right mi, let’s get you some help. Have you ever heard of Apple gate house?”
Sentence passed
“Isn’t that the big NHS house up the road from here next to the maternity unit?”
“Yeah that’s the place. I have had a lot of people like you spend some time there for a little while, just to get them though the worse of times, I am normally based there and I work with over half of the clients there. It’s very nice. You get your own room and things and you can put pictures up on your walls.”
I laughed at Dr, Jordan
“Don’t patronise me, it’s a children’s phsyc unit, a hospital, nothing more nothing less.”
“That might be true but how about your self and I head off over there in a bit and have a look around If they got time to see us?”
Now I was confused what did Apple gate have to do with me? Annie had drove me past there on the way to school many times before, I had seen people out in the grounds playing games and things with giant chess boards however I had also heard the alarms and the screaming as I walked past there on the way back to meet Annie in the evening. Yes I admit Apple gate always intrigued me but I was always safe behind the tall fence peeking through the gaps at people life’s that where worse then mine.
“Why would I want to look at apple gate?”
“Because I think a short stay there would really help you at the moment.”
The sudden realization of what Dr. Jordan was suggesting made my stomach lurch. Bile rushed up my thought and I expelled it in to one of the dishes that was left on my bed side table. Dr. Jordan was on his feet and by my side in seconds pushing the Illuminated nurse cal button on my pillow.
“Ok honey,” Dr Jordan soothed pulling my hair back off my shoulders and out of the bowel of vomit.
“I’m not insane,” I wheezed heaving again pulling all the muscles in my stomach and chest trying to get everything out of me including the realization that I was to spend time in Apple gate and be one of the ones encaged behind the fence.
“I know your not Mi, but you do need help.” Dr Jordan said throwing a piece of tissue in on top of the vomit I had just expelled while I slumped my body back up against my pillows exhausted and out of breath from vomiting.
“Here you go Honey.” Dr Jordan soothed pulling an oxygen mask over my face.
“Breath deeply.” I gratefully sucked in huge lung full’s of air even though I hated being given oxygen, I was still under the impression I didn’t deserve to breath air.
“I’m going to go and see where that nurse is and make a call to the unit. See if we can get you a bed for when you are discharged from here.” Dr. Jordan winked at me and with a flip of the curtains he was gone. Case closed. Sentence passed.
The other side of the fence
Dr. Jordan’s blue fiat punto hummed down the road, the radio barely audible over the road noise, and his talking.
He always talked, though now I never talked back. I had retreated into my self after the first time I had seen Dr. Jordan and it was decided I would be put into Apple Gate. Every word got stuck in my mouth. Every tear eroded my sole and even though I was screaming like I was stuck in a nightmare on the inside, on the outside I was deathly silent.
“Here we go then” Dr Jordan said patting my shoulder while with the other hand he keyed the numbers into the gate that would let us into the grounds of the unit. I stared straight ahead either not seeing or unwilling to look at the building that towered next to us; the three stories’ casting a shadow over the grounds. I shivered.
“Come on out you get then.” Dr Jordan said after he swung his door open and come over to open mine. I got out and for the first time permitted my self to steal a glance up at the building.
It was so much bigger here then what it looked like from the road. Dr Jordan placed a guiding had on my back and we began the walk to the front door. Through the windows I saw two girls and a boy bent over a giant table and another girl sitting in the corner in a ball trying to be as small as possible. Know one seemed to take any notice of this strange behaviour and I wondered if tomorrow that would be me just in another corner to week to move, to scared to talk, to numb to cry.
Dr Jordan reached out a scarred arm and rang the door bell, a shrill ring alerting any one inside that I had arrived. A few moments later a tall plump lady answered the door with a red face, she glanced over my pale features making her judgment of me in a few seconds, then turned her attention toward Dr Jordan.
“Nick!” She suddenly shouted reaching out to hug him; he obliged her and then turned his attention back to me, at this she did too.
“This is Mi” He said placing a heavy almost restraining hand on my shoulder. I swallowed hard.
“Hello Mi, I’m jean, come in and lets get you sorted out and settled in. then I will show you your room, I believe your In Dream room for the moment.”
I stole one last glance back over my shoulder and stepped into the hall way with Dr Jordan and Jean. I was on the other side of the fence now.
Prison
I was lead into a large hall way with a seating area. It was all painted in a plain boring cream colour; there was also a large stair case that wound its way up to the first and second floor. My eyes lingered on the net that was hung just under the stares. A fly catcher for human jumpers.
“Come and take a seat down here.” Jean said leading us towards the tired old sofas in the hall way. I sat down on the edge of the one nearest the door and Jean and Dr Jordan sat down opposite me.
“We have got an induction booklet for you. I will go and get it for you in a minute, it has the rules and bed times and thing is it, and a time table of groups. It hasn’t been decided what ones you will be taking yet as you haven’t been assessed properly, but I think Doctor Jordan has an appointment to do that with you in a few days time and then we can make you a care plan.”
Her words where jumble and nothing really made any sense so I nodded and agreed still staring at the walls of what was now my prison, I wrinkled my nose up at the smell of hospital food that infiltrated the entire hall way. The big window at end of the hall way was open a tiny crack at the bottom but the place was still almost unbearably hot. I didn’t know why it wasn’t opened more to let through a breeze but then it dawned on me. They where open as far as they would go. I swallowed. I was trapped.
Fun, fun, fun
“Right Mi I think that’s almost everything.” Jean said in a cheery voice that suggested she had done these admissions far to many times before. I had been in the building all of ten minutes and I new this was not the place that was being presented to me By Jean and Doctor Jordan in there mental broacher
“Oh I almost forgot,” Jean said stopping abruptly making my neck snap up to look at her straight in the eyes. They where extraordinary beautiful eyes a genital flowing gold with a deep brown edge to them, So beautiful that I had to look into them for a second or two before reverting my gaze back to the blue carpeted floor.
“There are four levels of observations my love. Every client is on one of these levels. Dr Jordan thinks it will be good to start you off on green level, all that means is someone will be checking on you every 10 minutes.”
Long Ago I would of protested at this level of invasion into my private world, maybe even a few hours ago, but apple gate seemed to of sucked all the fight out of me. There was nothing to say. Just by me being there they had all ready won.
“Ok then my love I will go and get Ingrid to take you up to dream where she will search you bags, then you can start to unpack.”
“Ser… Search.” I stuttered a wave of nausea clenched in my stomach at the idea, there must have been some mistake. Why did they have to search me? What did they think I was going to do sneak a bomb in or something?
“Yeah sorry honey, it’s all procedure, every one gets their bags checked when they arrive here, just to make sure you haven’t got anything that could be dangerous to you or others. I know it sounds horrid but Ingrid has done this many times before, and you could always help her. You could make it fun.” She made it sound like she was offering a day at a theme park not 20 minutes with a woman I never met before searching threw my underwear. Yeah I could tell it was going to be thrilling.
Thank heavens for padded bras, (or Primark at least)
I was led up the big stare case to “dream” (as they insisted on calling it) by Ingrid. Ingrid was a tiny thin woman who must have been in her early twenty’s; she was also very pale but absolutely stunning. All her features where defined, her platinum silky straight hair fell effortlessly over her shoulders and her walk looked almost like a dance or that she should have been on a cat walk somewhere and defiantly not in the hall ways of a mental hospital. She was one of those girls that all the boys went mad for and all of the other girls wanted to be. I felt completely inadequate in her presences.
Up on the first floor there was a corridor of 7 rooms each with a name painted elegantly on them in black slanted lettering. The second one on the right next to “love” bore the word dream.
“Here we go then mi.” Ingrid said almost singing the words, even her voice was perfect. “I have set the bed up for you all ready, all you got to do is put a few pictures up and it will feel just like home.”
Dream was nothing more then a cell of a room painted in a NHS pink. A single bed and side table, up the left side of the wall, a chest of draws and a wardrobe down the other with a mirror next to them which looked like it was made out of tin foil. At the far end was a window opened a crack at the bottom, like down stares this wasn’t enough to help with the sweltering heat. I felt sick.
“Right then what have we got in here.” Ingrid said taking my suit case out of my hand that had been drooped up to Apple gate before my arrival by Annie and Paul. It looked far to heavy for her to carry but she managed it easily before drooping it lightly onto my bed.
“Do you want to come and give me a hand Mi? I will help you put it away as well if you want.” I walked over to the bed silently like the zombie I seemed to be becoming. I unzipped the bag and she started pulling out the clothes writing it all down as she went, occasionally passing comment on some item of clothing she really liked. Then she came across Mr Hop.
“Aughh” she squealed in pure delight at coming across the chewed moth eaten gray bunny rabbit that used to be white and now only had one eye. “Isn’t he just the sweetest?”
I had Mr Hop when I was first born and he has never been out of my hands ever since. My big sister had bought it for me when I was a few hours old, now he was all I had left of her. Arabella had died in a car accident when she was driving me home from one of our shopping trips together two years ago. By a cruel twist of fate I survived but not with out the big red raised scare down the right hand side of my face. They said in time it would fade but it had not showed any signs of doing so yet and it continued to stand as an ugly permanent reminder of that ugly day.
“Right all done.” Ingrid said pulling me back into the room. I can leave you to unpack now if you want. I will just have to come back and check on you in 10 minutes. You haven’t got anything else on you that you want me to lock away?” Translation- If you have a bomb in your knickers please give it to me now
“No, I don’t think so,” I said forcing a smile. Only I new about the small shiny sharp piece of metal I had hiding in the padding of my bra. Yeah she probably meant she wanted that too.
Shopping coast to much
“seriously, your just to cute how could I not bye you things.”
“You could have bought your self stuff.”
“And I did, just not as much as what I got you. You have no idea Mi moo, when you are happy it makes me happy, I would bye you the earth to keep that smile.”
I smiled I couldn’t help it Arabella made my life what it was her soft skin her curly hair, her eyes, her lips, her voice. I leant over and touched her hand on the gear stick of her car, poppy Peugeot her pride and joy, it was bright blue and always clean and sparkling, the inside was soft and cozy and smelt like jelly beans. I snuggled into the seat and closed my eyes looking over at my beautiful sister.
“I love you.” I said smiling at her again.
“I love you to; I mean look at that face, what would I do if anything ever happened to that face.”
“It’s nothing special.” I said tucking my black hair behind my ears. Arabella laughed. Turning her head to look at me, she held her hand out and her soft skin caressed the side of my face.
“On the contrary my little Mi moo, to me it is the most beautiful thing in the world.
“Arabella!” I yelled screwing my eyes shut; there was a screech of brakes and then the collision, the clank of metal then smell of burning rubber. Then I opened my eyes Arabella was slumped over the steering weal her chest crushed, a single line of blood dripping out her mouth and out her ear. Then there was screaming a high piercing scram. My scream.
A precious metal
I slowly turned the shiny piece of metal around and around though my fingers gently tracing the out line of my tiny metal friend balancing it on my finger caressing every little centimetre of it knowing it was here made it seem like I might be able to survive apple gate, for a few hours any way. I made a little cut across my stomach and watched as the tiny red beads that comforted me so appeared like magic. I traced across the line of blood smudging it with my finger a large droplet gathering on the end, and then it silently dripped to the floor in what seemed like slow motion.
Everything was so quiet I swore I could almost hear the blood drop splash in front of me onto the carpet. I breathed out. If there was one thing in everything I owned in Apple gate I was quickly learning this tiny little piece of metal would be the thing that needed protecting the most. I delicately wiped the blood off of the blade and wrapped it up in my handkerchief. Then it dawned on me, I could not leave this lying around where it could be seen. Here this would be my only life line. I needed to protect it like a newborn baby or precious jewels. A precious metal. More valuable to me then all the gold in the world.
A longer sentenced then planned
“Hay Ingrid, when’s the newbie getting here?” An excited voice asked from the corridor out side of my room. The commotion shocked me into action and the realisation I was on 10 minute checks. I had to act fast and just hope that who ever was outside talking to Ingrid would keep here there for a while.
I desperately searched the cell, or “dream” (as every one seemed to call it) for anywhere to hide my little treasure.
My frantic searching eyes fell on one tiny blob of blue tack stuck to the wardrobe door. Grabbing it I gently stuck it to my blade then to the underside of one of the shelves in the wardrobe. softly closing the door I flung my self on my bed. Grabbed a book from the pile of stuff I was aloud to keep and pretended to read. Before noticing the small line of blood seeping through my tee shirt. My hart jumped up into my mouth as I desperately searched for an idea in my head. What if she just burst through the door and see the blood on me. What did they do in these places if they found out you hurt your self. I gulped.
“I believe she prefers being called Mi, Bella. How would you like it if she called you oldie.”
“Well it’s not my damn fault they have kept me here so long. They told me I would be here two weeks, five months down the line and I’m still bloody well here. Besides Ellie’s been here for 9 months.”
I froze where I stood a line of cold sweet dribbling down my neck. She had to be kidding right? No one was really here for that long where they?
A question of obs
“Well where is she then Ingrid. We are all so anxious to meet her, Tell her what beast you all are to us."
Bella’s voice was joking but somewhere in it A crack of reality broke through it. After all, though you could believe other wise with her chirpy little voice, She was in here for a reason too.
“No scaring her Bella, you here me. She is a timid little thing bless her hart.” I smiled, not because Ingrid had said something nice about me, but the fact that she saw me as timid., I liked to give off that impression. It bought me some time. If they thought I was timid they wouldn’t be expecting my explosions and they wouldn’t be able to deal with them. Inside I laughed sinisterly.
“Ingrid, I am an angel.” Bella protested. How could you even think something like that.” Ingrid huffed in obvious disagreement to Bella’s argument.
“So who’s she with then?” Bella persisted “Who’s doing her obs? Lauren, Emmet or have you been really nice to her and put her with Esmee?”
“Nope I am doing her Obs, the same as I’m doing yours.” Ingrid said “Now scram I have to check on her.”
“What no fair!” Bella protested whole heartedly about something I wasn’t sure about. “She’s never been admitted on green. I was on red for two days before they put me down to green!”
“It’s different for every one, you know that Bella. Dr Jordan’s happy for her to be on Green for now but of course we are monitoring it to see if she could do with a bit of extra help.”
I listened intently to the conversation about obs from behind the door while replacing my top for another one that looked very similar to the one that was now blood stained. I screwed that one up into a little ball and planted it at the very bottom of my suit case. At that moment my door opened.
“Checks.” Was all Ingrid said with a warm smile in my direction unstill she noticed I had yet to put any of my belongings away. “You all right Mi, You want some help unpacking?”
“Bella seems nice.” I said ignoring her question about unpacking, she had gone through my things one more time then I would of liked all ready.
“Oh you heard her. She isn’t nothing to worry about Mi. She’s just being friendly. She respects boundaries though, you just have to tell her to leave you alone if she’s annoying you.” I smiled sweetly back at Ingrid and she started to close the door. “I will be back in ten Ok. Don’t worry about the obs Mi you will get used to them, you won’t even know I am coming in after a while and as Bella has made so clear these are quite low for your first day.” Ingrid winked and closed the door behind her as she left the room.
I swallowed hard. When Jean had said there was four levels of observation I assumed that ten minute checks was the highest. Apparently that was only the beginning of the power they actually possessed. My new cut stung as it shifted accost the fabric of my tee shirt. A stern warning to my self that they must never find out what I was doing. What I was hiding in my cupboard.
Body shock
A few minutes later a small tap resounded from my door. I looked at my watch and huffed muttering to my self. It hadn’t even been five minutes. I rolled my eyes as the door crept open a few inches and a pair of eyes peeked around the corner. I just looked bewildered until the eyes spoke her voice still muffled from behind the door.
“Hi I’m Bella. Howdy newbie.” I smiled, I couldn’t help it, Her voice was still happy and cheerful obviously not destroyed from her five long months here. This gave me hope, But I was almost beginning to wander if she belonged here at all, she seemed to cheerful for someone who had been cooped up in the mental house for so long
“Come on in if you want.” I’m not doing anything.” I said.
Her body slipped in around the crack in the door. Then I understood, no one could fail to understand why Bella had clamed her place in apple gate house. Bella was tall and I imagine used to be very pretty. Now she was a shell of her former self. Bella was painfully thin. Her hips protruded out of her side like knives, her ribs where clearly visible to count threw her top and her face was bony and drawn out. I could also tell her teeth where not in very good condition, probably from years of making her self vomit, also her skin was a chalky white and had a strange translucent effect to it. She looked like a living breathing teenage ghost. Her mousy hair hung limply over her shoulders drained of all nutrients just like the rest of her body. She looked like she belonged somewhere in a third world country not modern day Britten. The lifeless half ghost of a girl could not have been no more the 14, how had she let her self get like this. I thought it was impossible to be this thin. She made me look like the back end of a elephant.
“I’m Mi,” I said trying to chock back my shock at her terrifying figure and engage in conversation, but still something nagged at , Bella was killing her self to be thin why would she do that?
“You found out where I was then.” I said trying to shake all the questions out of my mind. Bella just looked puzzled.
“I heard you talking to Ingrid out side.” I explained, Bella came over and sat next to me on my bed. The mattress barley moved under her tiny frame.
“Ingrid’s all right.” Bella confirmed. “So is here really. I mean you get used to it after a while, though of course every one wants to get out of here.” I nodded understanding what she meant. She touched the cast that had replaced the heavy bandage on my arm and I could see the understanding in her eyes. Bless her she didn’t ask.
“I’m in courage by the way. If you want me just come and knock. You will meat the rest of us soon enough. They will wont you down in the dining room to eat Dinner with us. You got about twenty minutes. ” I grimaced. Bella obviously saw this just as I had saw the look on her face. She touched my leg and looked up Into my eyes.
“your like me.” She said softly looking away from my face.
“They say the mirror lies to me, but I’m still not sure. All I see is the same fat cow I always have. She just seems to get fatter most of the time.
“I don’t have an ED.” I said softly with as much comfort in my voice I could manage. Bella looked at me in a strange way then smiled a cheeky smile she seemed to know something I didn't.
“Have you ever thought Mi, maybe your mirror lies too.”
Chicken over board.
My mum pulled the chair out opposite me at the table and groaned pinching the bridge oh her nose.
“You have to eat Mia. You have to eat something.” I stared at the plate of chicken and potatoes and pushed it around my plate a bit more finding the smallest bit of chicken I could. I put it into my mouth and chewed slowly, swallowing hard I did the same process again four more times before putting my fork down. Defeated. At that moment It felt like I had never had to face a bigger challenge.
“I can’t, I’m not hungry, I….I mean I feel sick.” I pushed the plate away in a defiant gesture. She pushed it back. Her rage building. She was going to explode. Explode at me.
“Eat it.” She snapped, picking my fork off from the side of my plate, she stabbed a piece of chicken and for god measure added some mash potato before thrusting it before my mouth. Like a defiant child I clenched my lips shut.
“Eat it you bitch! Eat!” She jumped up from her chair and jumped around to my side of the table before proceeding to hold my nose. When I had no choice but to open my mouth to breath She shoved in the large fork full of food. I choked, spitting the food out on to the table before continuing to reach into my hands. The kitchen span around me as I couldn’t get enough oxygen into my deprived lungs.
“Eat Dam it!” She yelled her face turning a deadly shade of scarlet as her hand struck the side of my head and I fell to the floor coughing and spluttering.
There was then a crash and the plate of food hit the ground next to my head. The ceramic smashing into a hundred different pieces, completely destroyed. Just like me.
Tearing down the barricades.
A few moments later my door opened again and a huge bloke stood in the door way. He was truly gigantic.
I jumped and going back to instinct from my younger days brought my knees up to my chest and wrapped my arms around them. Peering at him over the top of my knees.
“You all right lovely?” He asked his smile turning to a concerned expression. His voice was as soft as velvet and very deep but it was kind and gentle and somehow took the edge of his terrifying appearance.
“Yeah, fine” I mumbled but I began to rock slightly any way, an involuntary action. I didn’t want to but the rocking seemed to sooth me. Somehow it made it better. I new it was stupid
“I’m Emmet Mi, I work here. I know I look scary, but honestly I am a big teddy bear. Every one says so.” Emmet grimaced “Of course that does nothing for my masculinity, but I rather be soft and cuddly then feared.”
I mumbled rocking a little more. I didn’t fear Emmet not really, though there was a lot to fear about him. He must have been at least 6 foot and his mussels where huge and his arms where covered in black tribal pattern tattoos. He wore a plane charcoal gray baggy t-shirt and comfortable looking dark jeans. Though through all of this the only real reason I was freaking out was because he was blocking the door way and there was no way out. No where to run too.
“Come in, just…just get out of the door way” I mumbled, my tummy flooding with nausea.
“Oh I’m sorry honey. I didn’t mean to scare you.” Emmet said coming over to my bed leaving the door open wide and in my head I plotted my escape route if it was needed.
“Do you mind?” Emmet asked gesturing to the corner of my bed. I stooped rocking and shock my head, signalling for him to a sit down with a flick of my good hand.
“You realise you are safe here Mi.” He continued Sitting down on the foot of my bed. Unlike when Bella sat down before the mattress sank considerably at the end pushing me up a few centimetres on the other.
“No one here will hurt you, male or female. Big or small. We are here to look after you.”
“I…I know.” I stuttered. Unfolding my arms from around my legs. “I’m just used to looking after my self.”
“Your own kind of personal barricade. He said referring to my position. I nodded, lowering my legs down as well. Realising I must look stupid and even considering his huge size he didn‘t seem like he was going to beat the shit out of me.
“It is essayer to block everything out from behind my walls.” I said before stopping my self abruptly.
Why was I opening up to this man? I had only just met him and the words where spilling out of my mouth like verbal diarrhoea and to make things worse tears started to take over my eyes but I pushed them back down with a gulp, but more resurfaced determined to betray me. My hands shook trying to keep the tears at bay, even the one I still had no feeling In and probably never would, again. But still the gates opened and the monsters poured in.
I shock more. I brought my knees back up to my chin and wrapped my arms around them I put my head on top completing my defences and breathed heavily.
I suddenly felt my head being lifted by Emmet’s bicep like fingers. Then he started unpeeling my arms from around my legs. I looked into his eyes with horror wondering what he was going to do with me but I had nothing left in me to fight it.
“That’s the thing with barricades Mi.” Emmet said gently smiling still looking intently into my eyes “They keep out everything and everyone. The good and the bad. The people trying to hurt you and the ones trying to help.” Emmet said placing a steady solid hand on my shoulder that was warm and comforting and at that moment it became to much and I burst into tears burying my head into my hands.
“I’m sorry.” I wept trying to control the sobbing that echoed uncomfortably from my chest.
“One day Mi, you will learn it is OK to cry.”
Food relation
Emmet sat very still on the edge of my bed, He was like a statue. I wasn’t even sure if he was breathing. I felt like a complete moron but as much as I tried I could not stop the sobs the grumbled in my chest and the tears that rolled out of my eyes.
“I’m…I’m sorry.” I stuttered taking In an unsteady breath.
“This makes you really uncomfortable.” Emmet said. It was not a question but more of a statement.
I looked at him through my swimming eyes. He looked fuzzy around the edges, So I blinked two more tears escaping over my water logged eye lashes.
“Well I’m Ok with it.” Emmet said smiling.
“I’m Ok.” I said wiping my face off with my hands. I had managed to gain enough composure to talk now. I had also decided. Emmet was one of the good ones. I wasn’t sure why.
“You can cry in front of me Mi. It’s healthy. This” He said placing his hand into my plastered arm “proves that
“I came to ask you question.” Emmet said changing the subject moving his hand off of my arm.
“I hate questions. I never know the answers, and when I do people never want to here them.” I groaned wondering to my self how long it would take him to give up on me and walk away after I started talking and wondered if there was any he would simply give up with the questioning
“Well I do.” Emmet stated firmly “What ever the answer is. We can always work through it.” I sighed defeated. I should of none he wasn’t going to just give up
“Go on then.” I said
“What’s your relationship with food like?” I laughed not sure of what he meant.
“Well I’ve snogged a few Hot dogs and dated some rather spectacular tomatoes but you know what we never seem to hit it off.” Emmet roared with laughter, his body shaking. The matters bounced up and down like a fair ground ride. He slapped his leg hard and whipped tears from his eyes before turning back to me still giggling under his breath unable to completely control him self. I simply flinched away not sure what to make of his sudden outburst.
“You’re funny Mi.” He finale said as speech returned to him. I new this wasn’t it though. I new he wasn’t going to pick him self up from my bed and leave me alone. I new in the end I was going to have to answer what he really meant and the big teddy bear Emmet was going to be replaced by Emmet the psychiatric nurse who was here to decide what was best for us all. People like Bella, myself and every other young person that was here had lost are voices the minute are feet stepped over the door step. We where just patients in a hospital. They where there to treat are illness whatever that might be.
“Do you like to eat?” He asked. I shock my head. I ate as little as I could so I could remain coherent. So I could do well at school, so I could keep up the pretence that I was “fine” in front of other people, and to keep people off of my back.
“Do you eat?” Emmet asked.
“I’m not anorexic.” I said defensively. The things Bella said to me just 15 minuets before resurfaced to the top of my head. Emmet didn’t engage in the battle I had started in my head. Instead he shot it dead which surprisingly made me a little annoyed, I wanted to fight with him. I wanted him to be angry at me because in the end his anger would hurt me less then his compassion.
“I never said you where Mi, but you didn’t answer my question, Do you eat?” Stunned by the fact he didn’t get drawn into my argument. I bit my lip like a good girl and then answered.
“When I have to.” Emmet didn’t respond but continued with his questions.
“What happened with your foster family then. What was there relationship with food there?”
“Cheerful, I suppose. Very relaxed, of course that was forced but still it worked. We kind of had a system. Annie would cook the food in a happy sort of way assuming I would eat. I in turn I would stare at the food, eating a few bites if I felt very weak. Then the bin would receive the food from my plate.”
“Why do you hate food Mi? Is it the way it looks? The way it feels? What is it that frightens you about it?”
“Have you looked at me?” I asked shocked that he felt the need to ask the last question. “I mean look at my arms, look at these legs.” I criticized jabbing a finger at them. I mean can’t you see my stomach? It must be the size of the USA by now.” I spat. Venom in my voice fuelled by my hatred of my self. “I am a fat cow.” I spat more at my self then to him.
Emmet sighed heavily before shifting his weight on my bed so he could look at me better. His eyes where flat, his face a grimace. It almost looked like for a split second he hated him self too. He looked down at his hands before speaking.
“Oh Mi. You are going to hate me. You don’t know it now but what we are doing here really is in your best interest.” he rubbed his hands over his face breathing another deep sigh before continuing on. “I have said this so many times now I am running out of new ways to explain. What ever I say you aren’t going to agree with me.”
I didn’t move an inch. I wasn’t sure if it was fear or respect for him that kept me so still and silent. He had genuine hurt in his eyes. Or it could have been fear that kept me looked so still. I felt so sick I thought I might actually vomit over him.
“Your not fat Mi.” I opened my mouth to protest but he continued on once again cutting me short. “You are the complete opposite. You are very thin. A lot under your ideal weight for your height.” Emmet stopped again trying to form his next sentence he looked like he could vomit too.
“Dr. Jordan has put you on the same build up menu as some of are other clients with low BMI’s. You will be expected to eat everything and start to gain some weight.”
Tremors
My body convulsed with violent shaking. I felt sick. I wrapped my self up in my barricade and rocked, pressing mp lips tightly to my knees the only thing I could do to stop my self being sick down my front. I could here nothing apart from my internal screaming.
“Do something Mia! Do something! Your already huge. Do something you fat cow! You mustn’t eat! Your to fat!2
I screamed into my knees trying to block out the terrified voice in my head. My head swam. I dug my nails into my Jeans and into the fragile skin underneath. I didn’t mind the pain. It almost made things feel better, but still my head screamed. I was in Indescribable pain but no one else could see it though. No one else could feel it. It felt like I was dying. I opened my mouth and screamed again biting down on my knees
“Mi, Mi you need to calm down. Ok” Emmet said firmly, and I tried but I couldn’t, all control was lost to the screaming in my head I clawed at my legs trying to hold on to the real world around me. Emmet spoke again solid and calm. A rock weathering my storm.
“Mi, you need to calm down and take control of this. This will only control you if you
let it.”
I thrashed my arm out and whacked the side of my good wrist on the wall. The pain vibrated through my body. A short shocking stab and I was distracted. The voice shut up and I was able to catch my breath I reached out and bashed my arm again and again. The pain braking up my body and through my limbs. Every hit drove my despair away. With every hit I forgot about all I must consume.
“Mi.” Emmet placed his hand on my leg. I smashed my wrist again. “Mi.” Emmet said again, stronger this time more clinical. I didn’t care. I couldn’t care. I had found my release I had found away to survive the news.
“Mi. I can not let you do that . You have to stop or we will have to stop you.” I tried but I couldn’t stop. I needed this, at that moment it felt like I needed it more then anything in the world. I had to keep my thin pale wrist bashing against the concrete of the wall. It was like my life depended on it like if I stooped I would be sucked into a burning vortex of nothingness. If I stopped bashing my wrist somehow I would lose my self to nothing.
“Mia I’m sorry about this. I really am.” Emmet sighed as I saw him press his index finger against the red button of his alarm. A loud polyphonic deep groaning beep filled the air around me and initials flashed wildly in bright LEDS from his wrist.
“I’m sorry Mi I really am.” Emmet got up from the edge of my bed and come closer to me, he took my hand into his grips and pulled them towards my chest. I tried to wriggled free but his grip was to strong. I was nothing but a mouse against a giant cat
“Get off!” I yelped pulling my wrist more. Emmet moved his body around to the back of me and put both his arms over my shoulders and held on tightly to my arm. Bracing my back against his rock hard chest. I was bound in unbreakable grasps not able to move unable to fight and to terrified to scream. What where they going to do to me?
Ingrid’s tiny body then bust through the door accompanied by another woman I hadn’t been introduced to yet. My breaths came short and shallow now as the two woman advanced towards me. A predator towards it pray.
Control (Or the lack of it)
Ingrid and the other woman advanced towards my bed and wound there body’s around me holding onto different bits of my body, invading every bit of me. I shook. Unable to do anything else. Just shake and whimper like a cold and wet lost puppy. After they got into there positions and they where happy with them Ingrid started to talk. I new she didn’t mean it but the words where condescending and cold to here. Like she was talking to a child having a temper tantrum and maybe she was right maybe that’s what it was. I was a loser child moaning having a tantrum because I didn’t want to eat.
“Mi we had to restrain you because we can’t let you hurt your self Ok. Once you are in better control we will let you go. If you can’t manage that we will have to put you into the ECA."
I nodded, another pathetic whine echoed from my lungs, but somehow I had lost all the fight in me. All there was now was my shaking and heavy breathing. Of course there was the other three as well but they had converged together as one to form the cast iron restraint around me. To deal with my overgrown temper tantrum. Why didn’t they just slap me?
“I’m sorry Mi, I really am. I can see your terrified but we have to do this OK. We are safe though, we are safe people and we wont hurt you.” Ingrid’s voice tried to sooth but there was nothing she could do. I new this was what my life had become. This was all I had now and I new at the first chance I wanted out.
“Please…please.” I shuddered. I promise I wont thump the wall anymore. I really won’t, Just, please just let me go.” I begged trying to maintain the small amount of dignity I had left. Ingrid and the other woman looked at each other then turned there attention to Emmet asking silently for his approval. He obviously gave it as very, very slowly the three human restraints unleashed me. Apart from the shaking I remained as still as I could. Emmet scooted back round so he could face me. After all of this he was still kind and still caring. I did not deserve this.
“Good Job Mi, you did really well there, you got back control quickly . That must have been hard work.” he unlike Ingrid didn’t sound condescending but Every kind word he said dug into me. I had no idea after all of this he could still be kind to me.
“Have you hurt your self Mi? Emmet asked as he reached out and gently picked up my hand. I was still confused as he preformed his examination. There was no sense to his kindness.
“I think your OK.” He said placing it gently back down beside me with a smile.
“Now then.” The woman with Ingrid interrupted coldly her eyes slits on her face and the corners of her lips turned up in a sinister smile “I believe it’s time for dinner”
Mission imposable
The three of them lead me down the stairs and into the dinning room. Like a condemned mans walk to the electric chair.
“Ingrid, Crystal.” One of the girls cheered from the long wood affect table. “We thought Emmet had eaten you!”
Laughter admitted from the entire table that consisted of staff and clients alike. It was hard to tell the difference between most of them. The only thing that gave it away was the tiny little panic alarms the staff wore on bands around there wrists the red buttons aglow just asking to be pressed.
“All right, all right.” Emmet joked holding his hands in the air. “So I don’t like missing dinner.” Once again a flood of laughs erupted and Crystal and Ingrid took there seats.
There where now only two places available at the table. In front of the seats where two giant plates of food awaiting us there. As a reflex I stiffened but Emmet gently pushed me towards the seat and I sat down. I thanked my lucky stars I was on the outside of the table and closet to the door.
“ Eat up.” Emmet said cheerfully handing me my fork. I gripped it hard in my un-plastered hand and looked down at the massive meal that was placed in front of me. It was some sort of cheesy pasta substance, with a wilting salad. It looked miserable in its self, a proper plate of hospital food. The look and smell was overwhelming and terrified me alone. The thought of me having to eat the whole plate full seemed imposable but still it had to be done there was no way to out run it and I new any escape effort would end up with me being tackled to the floor in front of every one.
I picked with the edge of my fork at the pasta bake, taking a small bite. The taste wasn’t bad but still the whole thing tortured me but I went on any way taking another small bite of pasta from the side of the plate. The voice in my head was screaming now; an unrelenting scream that hurt my ears and head.
“Mia, Mia! Mia stop! What are you doing! Mia do you know how many calories are in that! Mia!”
I internally counted the calories in my head of the food on my plate and then of the food I was putting on my fork and then into my mouth. Every mouth full was a sum in my head, every mouth full was complete hell. I counted the tiny fork full’s I put in my mouth. I slipped in number 10 and swallowed hard with out bothering to chew and the pasta slipped down to join the tight bal in my stomach. I felt sick.
“ Well done Mi.” Emmet said next to me, giving me a wink. I jumped. I had become completely involved in my task. And had forgotten I was sharing a room with over fifteen other people.
“Mia, don’t listen to him Mia! Have you got any idea what you are doing. All are good work, you are throwing it away. You fat cow! You fat useless cow! No one will ever love you if you keep on eating. “you fat useless idiot.
I managed another fifteen bites before the retching started.
A wreck with pasta
I was acutely aware that all the eyes in the room but one where now staring in my direction. I put my face in my hands and pulled at my stomach retching again. I felt my face going red but I still couldn’t control it. Through my fingers I could see Bella was the only one not looking at me, she like I had been before was concentrating completely on her food, like there was nothing else in the room.
The voice in my head tried to sooth me but I hated it. I looked like an idiot.
“Well done Mia, good girl. You know this is the best way. Your already such a fat cow, well done Mia.”
“Come on Mi.” Emmet finally said from beside me placing his hand on my leg under the table. “Come on honey.” I thought by now Emmet would be starting to get seriously ticked off with me but still he was soft and gentle with the way he responded to my latest bout of complete stupidity. I was totally pathetic, I had become a shivering, retching wreck in the face of a plate of pasta.
(Ensure)ing I get what I need
Emmet took my plastered arm and led me out the room And further down the corridor, He stopped three more doors down and in front of a painted white door with the word “clinic” Written in black bold letters. Emmet still had hold of my hand as he swiped his card key and tapped in a code to open the door. For obvious reasons this room had added security.
“Come on in sweet pee.” He said gently leading me into the clinic. “Have a seat up there for me.” He pointed to the bench and i perched on the end not having the nerve to even look at Emmet’s face. I had no idea where his patients come from.
The room looked like any normal hospital room, a complete change to the rest of the decor I had so far experienced in apple gate. The room was white with a sink and shiny white cabinets. There was also a desk a tall white fridge that grumbled almost soothingly and then there was the doctors bench (stretcher) I was sat on.
“There you go” Emmet said handing me a cardboard dish before going over and opening the window. It opened fully which was a surprise as all the others I had been near didn’t . the breeze was welcome against my hot face and the fresh air helped clear out the clinical smell too.
“Try and calm your self down Mi, try and keep it down.” Emmet said gently but my body in it’s normal act of defiance retched again and with a click in the back of my throat vomit pooled into the bowel.
Emmet like doctor Jordan had in hospital pulled my hair out of the dish. I was sick once again as Emmet continued to rub my back gently like he was trying to comfort a toddler with a stomach bug.
“You done?” He asked after a while and I nodded. He took the dish away from me in now gloved hands and gave me a tissue. I whipped my mouth and my streaming eyes, but although I was in pain and my eyes streamed A wave of calm had come to settle upon me. I was empty, Just the way I liked it. The voice in my head had been calmed and now she whispered into my ear that I was now Ok. A small smile stretched across my face. I had got though another meal with not a calorie making me fat. My games where still working. Or so I thought.
“What do you like Mi? strawberry, chocolate, Asparagus?” Emmet’s face grimaced at the thought of the last one. I just looked confused not sure what he was on about. I shrugged.
“I heard the chocolate is the best.” He said more to himself then to me before going to the purring fridge in the corner of the room and took out two cans of something before he went about measuring out the liquid In a measuring container. When he got the measurements exactly right he poured the mixture of what looked like brown glop into two plastic cups. I stared not sure what he was doing until he put them both onto the counter next to me and the realisation hit me like a ton of bricks. I was going to have to drink this stuff.
“Your going to have to drink that for me Mi.” Emmet confirmed sympathetically.
“What is it? I asked
“It’s called Ensure. It’s a calorie boosting drink. Because your on the build up menu what ever you don’t eat calorie wise has to be made up with this.”
I swallowed hard and so the war in my head started again.
Shutting up Sophie
The Ensure sat in my stomach like a lead blown. A liquid meal to fatten me up. Soon I would be big enough to take to market .
“Mia! What the hell are you doing. Why the hell did you drink that. Your going to get even fatter! Make your self sick!”
The voice in my head demanded and obediently the retching started again. I tried hard to resist but I was so used to obeying the voice in my head without question I just couldn’t stop. I asked Emmet if I could leave realising I couldn’t be much more of a pain if I tried, also it was less embracing to puke my guts up when I was alone.
“Why would you want to do that. You fed up with me Mi.” Emmet joked handing me another dish.
“Come on Mi try and keep that down. Your doing really well” He said changing his voice to caring again seeing my battle.
“Mia don’t listen to him! Look at him he’s trying to make you fat.”
“Sophie, will you shut up.” I mumbled under my breath. Emmet looked confused and then a small smile of realisation washed over his face how the hell could he see inside of my head so clearly?
“She has a different name for you then.” Emmet said. The confusion must of registered on my face as he went on clarifying. “Most call her Ana.”
Sophie for once was silent and I had stopped retching. Emmet had managed to do something that I had never managed. Shut Sophie up and leave me free.
“Good girl.” Emmet said taking this time the empty bowl away from me. He smiled. I was gob smacked.
“How did you know? How did you stop her?” I gabbled I was convinced Sophie was mine alone to endure.
Emmet came and sat on the bench and gave me a smile.
“Another thing you will learn here at Apple gate Mi is we are not lying when we tell you, you are not alone.”
Amber anger
“So then.” Emmet said his face turning to happy. “Where are we off to now?” I was confused by the question. Hiding seemed like the best option, somewhere I could be small. Somewhere I could be insignificant and most defiantly somewhere I could be alone.
“The others are probably in the lounge watching the soaps on the TV, Of course some might be in there rooms reading. Or there’s board games and crafty things down stares we could have a crack at. I don’t mind either way. What do you like to do in the evenings?”
“What … I mean… What do you mean we?” I asked confused
“Mi your going to hate me by the time the night shift comes on this evening.” Emmet’s voice was defeated. He honestly hated being the bad guy. Though I still couldn’t see what could get worse about today, my stomach dropped. Today here in the unit I had learnt something if nothing else, it could always get worse. Even when you where at rock bottom there was always someone to poo on you.
“Mi I have put you onto Amber Obs for an hour. It’s a constant observation. A member of staff will have to be with you at all times for the next hour. Watching you, and seems I’m on your obs that person is me. I essentially have to be weather you are.”
My soul shattered into smaller pieces then it was all ready in. I was almost sure I would never be whole again. That the gaping void that throbbed for ever inside of me would be there for ever. Until I killed it, and ended it permanently. A soothing thought numbed the agony for a few seconds, next time I wouldn’t fail.
“Oh come on!” I suddenly snapped. The words clawed up my throat and out of my mouth before I had time to stop them. Now another emotion took over me. The most dangerous and frightening of all the ones I ever felt. Anger .
“I mean what the hell do you think I’m going to do!” I said shooting a piercing glance at Emmet, acid burned the back of my mouth while a red mist gathered in front of my eyes.
“It’s not like I can do anything to my self! I was searched on arrival remember! I mean come on she took the belt off of my dressing gown!” I roared my hands shaking.
Emmet’s face seemed shocked and his thumb edged towards his alarmed wrist, although he did not press it.
“What else could happen? I mean wouldn’t it be just awful if I got a horrible disfiguring scar! Oh I forgot I all ready have one of those any way. I am ugly, I am fat! Which your all intent on making me fucking fatter! I have no use of one of my arms and, and.” I caught my breath because the room had started to whirl around me a little bit my chest tightening. “I fucking hate my self. So I try to kill my self and I can’t even do that right, then to top it all I end up here!” My head swirled around me uncomfortably and I clenched hold of the doctors bench to steady my self. I could here the drumming of my heart in my head and my fast unsteady breaths that caught somewhere deep in my lungs.
“Oh Mi moo I wish I could make you feel better.”
I froze. Everything suddenly still.
Arabellas discovery
I watched the blood slowly trickle a line of red down my arm. A pure line of crimson tears. The cut wasn’t deep but still it was bleeding more then I had experienced before and even though I was scared I liked what I saw. I liked the euphoria that fluttered through my veins and I needed more. I took my blade and made another cut beside of the one that was all ready there, and then another one. A sort of frenzy seating in frosting over my numb brain while all else was covered accept from my lust to see more and more of my blood.
Every cut caused more and more brilliant beads of thick red liquid to form and then slowly topple down my arm making it’s own disturbed trail. Sometimes they would crash into each other and form a huger droplet before it rolled so fast it dropped delicately onto the white sheet in front of me causing a little ripple. Every cut brought another wave of sick satisfaction. Every bead of blood almost made my stomach flip over in ecstasy, like I had been connected to some miracle drug through an IV. As long as I was cutting. Every thing in my life was Ok. As long as I was braking into my skin with the harsh metal I could survive everything.
“Mi moo.” I head Arabella gasp from the side of my room but I still couldn’t look away from my bleeding arm. At that moment my bleeding was more important then everything even Arabella.
“Mi moo, stop it.” Arabella shouted as she raced over to my side and pressed her hands down on to my bleeding wounds pulling the all ready covered sheet from the side of my bed up to wrap around my arm.
“Oh mi.” Her voice said again cracking in pain before she put her arms around my neck and pulled me into her chest. She rocked me from side to side kissing the top of my head as she did. I felt the tears burning at the back of my eyes as she soothed me.
“Mi, I never new.” She said again planting another kiss on the top of me head. “I’m sorry, so sorry.” I had no idea why she was apologizing but she went on any way muttering the same thing over and over again.
Suddenly she released me from her chest and cupped her hands around my tear streaked cheeks. Pain registered intently upon her face. Stoking my cheek softly with her thumb she reached over and kissed my delicately on my fore head.
“I’m sorry” was all I could whisper at the agony I could see behind her chocolate brown eyes. At this she took my freshly cut arm and kissed every one of the new angry cuts muttering under her breath all the time.
“I love you, and I will make it better Mi moo.”
Ice queen
A black wave of numbness took over my body by force. Every feeling was taken over by a nothingness. I had never thought I would here that name given to me again. Mi moo died with Arabella. I barely breathed, I was so still. Nothingness was a feeling I carried off well. Unfortunately nothingness was something that freaked out the people around me
“Mi, open your eyes Mi” Something tickling the side of my face was the first feeling through my numb dreaming. With it come the hole again, the aching void in my stomach. I missed the numbness but no matter how I tried to keep on to it the black was fading away from me. The tickling on my check was also becoming more intrusive.
“Come on Mi, back with us now.” My eyelids fluttered open to a crowd of faces Some how I was lying on my back on the doctors bench a blood pressure monitor on my arm and a strange clip on my index finger. And an irritating mask suctioned to my face. My brain slowly found it’s way back to reality.
Oh dear god I passed out.
I shot my body up to an upright position my head still swimming a little bit but I managed to focus on the only friendly face I knew out the lot of them. Emmet was standing in the background for the first time looking a little bit anxious.
“Sharp prick Mia” Crystal picked up my un-plastered hand and put a small device to one of my fingers and pressed a button. I winced, Crystal rolled her eyes and drooped my hand back to my side. Staring at the monitor until it beeped.
“1.7, low” Crystal snapped.” this time and the one time before I had met crystal she had been blunt and off to me I was not sure what I had done but something seemed to deeply offended her about me.
“Get her some orange juice or something. Or there is some sugar jelly stuff in the cabinet over there.” Crystal said to the other woman that was in there.
“Can’t I just have some water or something?” I asked in a small voice not daring to look directly into crystals eyes but more at the extraordinary amount of earrings she had in just one ear however that didn’t stop me seeing her dramatically roll her eyes again.
“There’s no sugar in water Mia.” I winced at my full name but once again she just rolled her eyes at me. I hated Crystal.
“Orange juice then.” she said impatiently clapping her hands at the woman who had obviously not moved fast enough for the ice queens liking. I had never wanted to growl at another human being as much as I wanted to now.
Telling Emmet.
Emmet scraped a chair back over the dinning room lino and pushed my body down into it He placed My plastic tumbler of orange juice in front of me and went over to the opposite side of the table.
“Drink up.” He said smiling at me. I picked up the cup and sipped at the orange juice. The bitter substance burnt the back of my mouth but I continued to drink letting the sweetness wake up my senses.
“So then you don’t like Mi moo.” Emmet said. I chocked on my orange juice spitting it out onto the table. “Defiantly not.” He added grabbing some kitchen roll of the side and socking up the mess from the table. I twisted my numb fingers of my plastered hand while biting my bottom lip, anything to keep my mind off of my sister.
“Do you want to talk about it?” I looked around the dining room trying to ignore his question, I did want to talk but the words wouldn’t form in my mouth.
“You don’t have to Mi, it’s just an offer.”
“I can’t”
“Ok I understand, Just because I’m here Mi, it doesn’t mean you have to talk to me, I just need to see you drink that orange juice then I can be going if you want me to. You just be on the 10 minutes again.”
I nodded continuing my observation of the Dinning room. It was a dingy looking place with two windows that of course didn’t open. There was stone effect lino on the floor and of course the giant wood effect table that sat over 20 people. I looked at my place and shuddered, how the hell was I going to get through another meal. The familiar sensation of panic flutter in my stomach like a thousand butterflies but I managed to push the feeling deep down.
“Drink up Mi.” Emmet said pushing the glass towards me. I picked it up in my hand and shock it slightly taking another tiny sip before returning to my observation of the room.
Over the other side of the room from the table were two big storage units with various bits and pieces on them. Including random abandoned books, paper and colouring pens along with other crafty materials half of which looked like they wouldn’t work. There was also the same old board games that would be found on any shelf in any family home including Scrabble, pictonery and no less then three different versions of monopoly.
I sipped again at the orange juice before looking back at Emmet, he was obviously more comfortable with the science then I was. As he was now glancing into a magazine that had been left on the table.
“I’m sorry.” I mumbled hardly audible. I wasn’t sure where the words come from or who I was apologising too but Emmet put down his magazine and looked at me.
“What for, honey?”
“fainting,” I mumbled again. Emmet laughed but more gently then he had done when I made the joke about dating tomatoes.
“Not even you can control that Mi.”
“No one has called me Mi moo for a while.” I whispered remembering how the name used to sound when she said it. I used to like Mi moo back then but only Arabella was aloud to use it.
“I’m sorry Mi, I didn’t realise. I will write it on your notes and make sure I never say it again.”
“It’s not your fault Emmet, I’m just stupid. I buried that name away and everything that went with it for so long, it caught me by surprise. No one calls me Mi moo.” I shuddered “Not even I can say it.”
“Why’s it hard for you. I Can tell it is really horrible to hear it.”
“If you called me that a while ago you would have probably just got a stern look. Now it’s totally different. You see that day I got this.” I said pointing to the long scar down my face. I lost something, that I will never get over.” I pushed the tears back down with me fear and looked away from Emmet. At that crystal flung the door open, shot me a piercing glare and then turned her attention to Emmet.
“We’re short staffed!” Crystal snapped
“I’m just finishing with Mi, she’s only on amber for another few minutes and then I will be free to do what ever.” Emmet kept his tone friendly but there was slight irritation on his face.
“Mi’s been ambered until she eats something and gets her blood sugar up to something reasonable.” crystal shot another piercing gaze at me rolling her eyes again.
“I’m on the phone to the agency but we got no one to do her obs for now. Can you do another hour with her or your going to have to ECA her.
“I’ll stay” Emmet said again the irritation a little more prominent. She does not need ECA.” He almost did growl.
“Whatever. Make sure she eats something and do her blood sugar again in about an hour, You can green her when it’s up.” with that she turned upon her heal and stormed out the door. Emmet turned his attention back to me unscathed by the interruption.
“You where saying?”
“It doesn’t matter.”
First night
Emmet stayed with me for the rest of the night until my blood sugar came up to five.3 and the night staff came on.
The night staff where almost like ghosts fluttering in and out of my room with out a sound Eyeing over my body to make sure I was still breathing before dissolving back into the hall way again. The original uneasiness this had caused me was beginning to ware off, a few hours in and I was getting used to being checked on. My life seemed to be spinning out of my control irreversibly and I had lost all fight to do anything about it.
“Right! Bed time you lot.! Bugger off the lot of you”! I heard the booming voice of Audrey bark from down the corridor in the living room. I had spent ten minutes in there after Emmet had left with a wink and a wave saying he would be back for the late shift tomorrow before the over whelming stares of staff and clients alike got to much and I bolted to the relative safety of dream much to the annoyance of Audrey, Beth George and Ava who had to get off the arses every 10 minutes to check on me.
I had been faking sleep for what must have been about twenty minutes curled up on my side in the bed fully clothed on top of the duvet, I breathed slow and steady trying to calm my fears.
There was a ruckus in the hall way and the opening and closing of doors and people yelling good night to each other, it was becoming obvious that some people didn’t find this place as awful as I did, I had no idea how. I dreaded that one day I would find this place normal too. That I would make friends and start acting like it was OK that I was stuck in this place That was something to be scared about.
My door opened a bit more then the crack it all ready was and a motionless figure in the shape of Beth stood there for a minute looking at my supposedly sleeping form before sighing a little and turning away. That kind of summed up where my life was to. A long drawn out sigh.
After many more checks and many more uncomfortable silent sobs into my pillow I noticed the crack of sunlight creeping through the curtains at the end of my room casting a strange glow across my pillow and signalling the braking dawn. I had somehow survived my first night.
Siren call
as the light behind my curtain become more intense so did the ridicules summer heat. The thick air pressed down on my chest making it impossible to move even if I wanted to.
Still curled up in my ball I continued to stare at the carpet next to my bed. To tired to move, my brain still far to alert to sleep. I remained stuck in the nothingness that had surrounded me all night and it didn’t feel all that nice.
The tears stung my eyes again as my mind wondered to everything I didn’t want to remember. Every thing in my life, every tear and every smile had done nothing but to lead me to this place in this room. I stifled the pain full sob in my pillow.
I closed my eyes again as another member of staff from the early shift opened my door. Faking sleep was better then the introductions.
“
Morning Mi Mi!” Time to get your sleepy head out of bed.” My eyes darted open at the sound of not another nickname what the hell was wrong with Mi.
I grimaced as she woolshed past me and pulled the curtains apart allowing the full force of the sunlight and heat in. My whole body recoiled in rejection of this but the new woman just laughed
“
Your Mi, I’m Libby.”
Libby
’s face was in a toothy grin. In fact her teeth looked to big for her face. It had a horse like quality about it, I stifled a laugh under a cough.
“
Your new here” what was it with her stating the obvious. “It’ s Saturday which means there are no groups today so people will get up when they wont, I have been told that you on the other hand are on the build up menu which means breakfast with me.” Libby stuck out her chest proudly and pointed to her self. By this time I was wondering if I could rip her throat out with my bare teeth before she had time to reach her alarm, the odds weren’t good so I just sighed and pulled my heavy sleep depraved body off of my bed.
“
Oh that was easy.” She said surprised for a second “Good job, the bathroom is just down the corridor the first one on your left after love. You might want to go and get washed up, you still got about ten minutes yet.” I was confused for a minute but decided she must be referring to a bed room so I grabbed my toiletry bag that Annie packed for me and set off for the bathroom.
The bathroom was reasonably large with all you would expect to find in there if not a little more safer for your suicide intent teenager. No hoses for the shower, no toilet clearer by the loo, no bleach, no sharp edges. To some one like me in fact it was very disappointing. Of course there was something that caught my attention though. It called to me like the sweetest melody. The most stunning sent. The stunning figure in a crowd and I couldn’t resist it long before as so many times before it took me. The full length mirror a soft shimmer in the sunlight.
Mia in the looking glass
I stared into the alien reflection in the long mirror. It wasn’t proper glass of cores, that would be to dangerous but in it’s own way this was as dangerous as well. This could make me physically sick, this could send me into a panic, this here alone could put me into a suicidal frenzy.
I slipped my top up and traced my fingers over the curves that I hated so much wishing that I could cut them off and make them smooth and beautiful. I wanted to become anything other then what I was.
“your stomachs to fat suck it in.” Sophie ordered and of course I obeyed her immediately, yet still the fat rolls remained, sickening, disgusting, revolting.
“now you see what you did when you ate? Now you see how disgusting you are. You have to be stronger Mia. You are week and weakness is why you are so fat.“
Sophie’s voice was silky smooth, A lovers cool voice in my ear. The tickling of her breath on my cheek.
“Now you see why you must not eat. I will make you perfect Mia, I will make you happy,” Sophie bragged in an almost seductive voice
I traced the outline of my hips with my finger tips pinching the love handles that only I could see, I winced at how the fat looked squeezed in my finger tips.
“Discussing, So discussing." I muttered prodding at the flesh.
“ yes isn’t it.” Sophie cooed again. I swore I could almost see her in the mirror now, her perfect Barbie doll body dancing silkily around my lump of a body.
“Don’t you wish you looked like me?” Sophie cooed in my ear and I nodded pressing back the tears my hideous body caused me.
“then you have to do exactly what I say and I will make it happen Mia. I will make you thin, and you know thin is perfect. Now for a start no breakfast, no food taste as good as thin feels”
I nodded. Determined
Refusal gives control.
I sat with my teeth clenched closed on the doctors bench. Horse face was getting angry and board as we had been in the stuffy little clinic room for coming up two hours. She had tried every thing in the book to get me to swallow the chocolate flavoured gunk they called Ensure. Libby was no Emmet though and Sophie beat down every argument she had, though saying that I’m not even sure Emmet could of beaten her today.
“Mi if you don’t drink this I will have to put it down as a refusal.”
“Don’t give up Mia, keep at it now. What does it matter if they put it down on your charts, at least you wont get any fatter, remember what you looked like.”
“Don’t care.” I mumbled shifting my self uneasily on the bench.
“Fine, the consequences will be yours alone.” Libby snapped picking up the two plastic cups of ensure and pouring them down the sink. “You can go if you want.” Libby was still angry with me but in a way I didn’t care, it felt like I was taking back control. Here was one thing Apple gate could not take away from me. They could not make me eat, or so I thought.
Sick from a sick mind
I retreated out from the clinic room and back up the flight of stairs into the bathroom as fast as my feet could carry me.
I did not need to make my self sick as the strange sense of hunger that I had denied to feed was floating in my stomach still but this was a habit that I just could not kick. I turned the taps of the bath on and felt my self suddenly calmer by the sound of the comforting rushing water. The steam refreshed my face and after a few seconds of calm breathing I took my position by the toilet and bent over willing my self to be sick.
It had been a long time since I had to put my figures down the back of my throat to start the retching, but since I had not had anything to eat I decided I should give my self a bit of a head start and inserted my fingers into my throat.
The retching pulled every muscle in my fragile body. My stomach protested with splitting pain and so did my chest. My eyes watered uncontrollably half from the horrendous pulling half threw the tears I couldn’t stop.
I was sick until all I could see in the toilet was bright red. My whole body ached to stop but my frenzied mind pushed me onwards. I had no idea what I was gaining by this but I had to be gaining something or surly I would be able to stop but something in me refused to.
I pushed my fingers back down my angry sore throat again until brilliant red splattered up the side of the toilet bowl. I heaved again and more red joined it. My world started to spin then so I gripped on to the edge of the toilet for dear life leaving bloody finger marks on the side. I put my head down on the cool porcelain rim of the bowel and tried to steady my breathing, but now my chest protested angrily at every breath.
Then come the frantic knocking on the door.
A friend like Bella
Before I even had time to gather my thoughts the bathroom door was opening up. Of course the locks would work from both sides. What the hell was I thinking. I tried to heave my body up to a standing position but my legs just kept giving away under my own weight. I had gone to far.
I looked at the door panic stricken as it seemed to open in slow motion, like something out of a horror movie. Having horse face see me like this was a terrifying thought. She had been so angry with me in the clinic room when I would not drink the damn Ensure and told me there would be consequences. What the hell would she do to me now? Lock me in the ECA and throw away the key? No I was not looking forward to seeing her here, or even worse, what if it was Crystal (who was also on shift) that caught me? I shuddered at the thought but there was nothing I could do now, so I closed my eyes and waited for the low beeping alarm to be sounded and the grasping arms to be restrained around my chest again.
“Mi, what the hell are you doing?” Bella hissed. I opened my eyes in surprise to see the tiny Bella rushing over to me crouching by the toilet. She put her hand on my clammy back. “You where really going for it here Mi.” She said peering at the canteens of the toilet. “If the staff find out you will be red’ed for sure.” I groaned as she muttered my worst fears.
“Well come on then!” She said urgently Tugging on my top, “Lets get it cleaned up in here before they notice your missing.” I looked at her shocked, she was going to help me?
“I take it you don’t want them to find out.”
“No.” I managed to prise out my throat much to it’s protest. I still couldn’t believe she wasn’t running to tell them. In fact she seemed strangely undeterred by the state she found me in.
“Aren’t you freaked out?” I asked.
“Oh please.” Bella scoffed before holding out her hand to help me up. I took it and she heaved me to my unsteady feet. She was a lot stronger then she looked for someone so tiny.
Bella got to work quickly pulling paper towels from the dispenser and wetting them. She then set about cleaning the bloody vomit off the edge of the toilet seat and the floor next to it. I watched her in a strange numbness unable to move from my routed position on the floor. Why the hell was she helping me this way? Why would any one want to help me?
Bella flushed the toilet that was now looking spotless and turned her attention to me. She trusted another paper towel at me smiling slightly. Her smile was contagious and before I new it I smiled to. This for some reason made her start to giggle.
“Here wipe your mouth off you look like something from twilight.” Bella laughed
Confused I turned my self around and looked in the mirror and saw what she meant. My lips teeth and some of my chin where covered in the sticky blood. nice
“Oh god I’m sorry that’s vile.” I said viciously wiping my face off with the paper towel. Bella just giggled at me.
“I don’t know Mi I think you would make a lovely vampire.” At this we both burst into fits of giggles. It was good to have a friend like Bella.
Just look for Courage
“Come on then.” Bella said still giggling a little. “Do you want to come back to courage?” I hesitated wondering if there was a better chance of me running away back to my room and hiding under the duvet cover with my book, but that didn’t seem likely. Could I really say no to her after she saved me from being red’ed as she put it.
“You wont be able to hide away from it all forever you know, they are being kind to you. Seeing how you tick, what winds you up. How to keep you calm but it wont last. Eventually they will make you mix with the rest of us. You will start groups and things.”
“Yeah, that…that would be great.” I didn’t want to go but I had to stop her talking at me. My future in this place was not something I wanted to here about. I didn’t want to know how they where analyzing me, treating me like their guanine pig. I didn’t want a future.
“Cool, that will be fantastic.” Bella said, “I better leave first. The two ED’s leaving the bathroom together.” Bella giggled as she obviously put together a mental image. “They will think we are on a purging pact or something.”
“Bella, I’m not…”
“Yeah, yeah.” Bella’s said rolling her eyes much like crystal would. “You haven’t got an ED.” At this she turned away from me and did a strange little skip to the door. “I’m on the same floor as you, just look for courage.” Bella turned and walked out of the door closing it behind her.
I stopped for a minute and looked around the bathroom stopping my gaze on the mirror. I instinctively looked with out really meaning to. I sighed at my blood shot eyes and red blotchy face before punching the mirror hard with my good hand, the anger building in my chest. The tears brimming behind my eyes
“Just look for courage,” I hissed the words to my self, “The courage to do what?”
Loving courage
After composing my self by washing off my face trying to make it look like I hadn’t just had my head down the toilet I slipped out the door back into the hall. The grumble of the food trolley was once again audible in the hall way. My stomach turned uncomfortably as the Oder of the hospital food reached my nostrils. For a second I thought I was actually going to be sick but the nausea passed with the knowledge I could refuse the food that was placed in front of me and there was nothing they could do about it. That control was still mine.
Courage was two doors down from love on the opposite of the corridor, the letters where in the same slanted lettering. I tapped the door three times. A little bit of me hoping that Bella had some how disappeared and I could escape back to the limited safety of my room.
“Come on in Mi.” no such luck. I pushed the door open a crack and squeezed in through the gap. Walking into courage was like walking into a different dimension compared to the cold reality of the rest of Apple gate. The set up was the same as Dream (apart from it was a lavender colour) but posters covered all the available wall space. Little trinkets where scattered on the only shelf and an untidy pile of cloths where on the floor at the foot of the roughly made bed. The theme of the room was defiantly the twilight saga apart from a small spot next to her bed that had various personal pictures of her friends and family stuck up unevenly with bits of blue tack. There was also music coming from the small I pod docking station on her bed side table. I looked around in awe at the room. I loved it in here! That surprised even my self but it was a breath of fresh air from the cold NHS that hovered out side. I smiled to my self reaching out to touch the dog eared edge of a well loved poster of Edward and his true love, Bella.
“Umm… Over here Mi.” Bella’s voice startled me from on the bed and I jumped a little before looking over at her. She suppressed a giggle.
“You like twilight?” I asked knowing full well it was a stupid question.
“Umm, you think.” Bella said rolling her eyes. “A bit. I got to say that was a bit of a stupid question.”
“Your room is wicked Bella!” I said ignoring her friendly jibe. I turned around to examine the rest of the posters. “I love it in here! How did you make it look so good?”
“Really? You really like it?” Bella looked shocked.
“Of course I do. You have seen my room right. It’s awful in there.”
“Hay give it time Mi. You have only been here a day. This takes time to get a room as jumbled as mine, five months of it to be praises.” Bella lent down over the side of her bed and fished something out from under it before getting up advancing towards me with it held out at arms length.
“Here drink this.” She said placing the little curtain of orange juice in my hand. I rubbed my thumb over the plastic carton and shuddered before offering it back to her.
“I’m not thirsty, I just..” She cut me off
“I’m not thirsty, I just had something to drink, I ate before I came. I don’t like orange juice… blagh, blagh, blagh.” I looked at here with shocked eyes as she droned out all of the excuses I had planed while rolling her eyes at me. She took the cartoon back out of my hand and stabbed the top with the straw before handing it back to me with a small amused smile touching her lips.
“Anorexic Remember,” she said pointing at her chest. “Your playing my game here, right newbie. I know every excuse in the book. Now you look awful. Probably because you blood sugar is low and your body’s in shock from having to be sick so many times when it didn’t want to be.” I eyed the container suspiciously Like it was about to attack or something. Bella sighed.
“Look Mi, come over here.” Bella said taking my hand leading me over to the bed . We both sat down but she didn’t let go of my hand as she pulled some of the photos off of the walls. She held out one of the photos so I could see and I gasped. The same smile touched Bella’s face as before.”
“Shocking hey.” She whispered
.
PEG
“Bella. Bella is that you?” I asked gently stroking my fingers over the photo.
“Yep. That is how I used to look, about a month before I was admitted to this place. I weighed about four stone 10 ounces. I was very poorly.” The picture was old and tattered but showed the out line of a pale translucent tiny half creature. A tiny layer of flaking skin was stretched over a frame of ribs and hips. Her thigh was about the same size as one of my wrists. This proved it in my mind. I was not anorexic, no where near it. I was not sick. Not sick like the minimal girl barely standing in the photo.
“Bella, you where so tiny. I mean you still are but this is painful.”
“I thought I was a fat cow in these photos. I couldn’t bare to see my self in the mirror.”
“How could you think that?” I said once again stroking the glossy picture.
“That’s what it does Mi. It shows you something that no one else can see. It makes you hate your self and alienates every one around you. You whole life becomes a maths equation of calories and fat content.”
Though the girl in the picture was clearly not well she had a smile on her face and people around her smiling to. You would never of guessed that the centre person was killing her self.
“I know you are refusing your meals and the Ensure Mi. They will let you get away with it for a while but it wont last long. They will make you eat.” I shock my head trying to block the thought of food. I would never be as thin as Bella, Even if I never ate again. So that was Ok. Once I looked thin and beautiful. I would start to eat again. I would never look like the Bella in this picture or the one sitting in front of me now for that fact.
“Mi, at the moment you look like me In that photo. You act like me in that photo. You say the same things, use the same excuses. Mi Honey I would do anything to stop you doing this to your self. It destroys me to look at you.” I thought I saw the faint glistening of tears in her sapphire blue eyes, but my eyes must have been playing tricks on me. Why would she be upset over me? I started drinking the orange juice.
“Mia Thin is beautiful. Imagine being thin and lovely. You could do anything you wanted to do. You would be happy if you where thin. Don’t trust her Mia she just want’s to make you fat and stupid. Stay with me and together we will get through it. I will look after you Mia, you don’t need any one but me.”
I smiled at Sophie’s voice. I almost believed what she said to me now. Her words where like the finest silk caressing my body, she could make me believe any thing she said.
“Mi, listen to me not her.” Bella shouted abruptly cupping her hands around my face and making me look into her glittering eyes.
They where lovely eyes, sparking blue with shots of violet shooting threw them. The story’s these eyes could tell, and now they delved into my soul searching for something. Something to grab hold of. A handle to pull me back by but finely she took her eyes away from mine and looked down at her jeans, two tears falling down to splash on them. She had obviously not found the humanity in me she was looking for. Did she realise I was to far gone to be saved, to want to continue to live.
“I know it’s to much to ask of you Mi. I still listen to my Ana more then I should. She still has a hold over me too.” She twisted with her fingers uncomfortably trying to think of something else to say.
“They will make you eat Mi, one way or another.” It was my turn to roll my eyes at her. They couldn’t force the food down my throat. They couldn’t stop me from becoming thin. They couldn’t take the last bit of control I had.
“You think I’m joking don’t you.” Bella snapped at me an edge of anger in her voice that I never heard before. “Yeah I thought that to.” Bella pulled her tee shirt up and over her head in one fluid motion and there in her stomach next to the big gouged out scars of self inflicted wounds was something else that made me gasp.
“It’s horrible isn’t it.” Bella said bitterly prodding at the delicate maze of tube that where surgically placed into her stomach. “They call it a PEG.” She jabbed her finger again at the entry point of the tube. “Mia, “ She said strongly this time emphasising My full name as her eyes bore into me. “One way or another they will make you eat.”
Swallowing crystal
A short shattering clap drew my eyes away from Belles PEG and she pulled her top back on over her head, obviously fearing an invasion from the staff. From in the hall way the sarcastic tone of crystal’s voice sounded around the corridor. The words I hated hearing. The words that made me cold. I still felt exhausted from the fight with breakfast.
“Lunch time you Turnips!” Crystal yelled. Her booming voice echoing around the corridor. There was a low rumble from the various rooms around Bella’s along with the opening off doors that where in serious need of some WD40. It seamed that meal times where the only thing that broke up the monotony of day to day life in Apple gate. To me it was living hell. What happened next though was enough to send me into a bind panic.
“And has anyone seen Mia Dorado, she is my lunch time partner.”
“Dear god Bella please hide me.” I stuttered as my body went ridged with fear, my hart was pumping so forcefully in my chest I thought it was going to burst threw the surface. My body shock with vicious convulsion. I hurt to have Emmet back at work, or even horse face. Anyone.
“Mi…Mia listen to me.” Bella said once again cupping my face in her hands. “Mi, it’s going to be Ok. Try your best and she can’t do anything to you. Try and eat Mia, You must eat!” She patted her stomach gently as her door began to creep open. “You don’t want a PEG of your own." She hissed
“Ahhh, there you are!” Crystal said licking her lips slightly she her stare focused on me. She looked like she wanted to eat me.
Rage against the crystal
I tried to eat my lunch but my swallowing reflex seemed to go AWOL. I did want to eat. I did try. I felt terrible seeing Bella’s hard work trying to get the food down To eat her way back to being healthy. To eliminate PEG. To control the illness the way it tried to control her but it was different for me. I didn’t need to eat I wasn’t ill and an illness didn’t control me. I controlled the food. The only thing left that I could.
“Bella if you refuse to eat your food you have to drink the Ensure. Now stop wasting my time and get it down you please!" Crystals eyes flashed as she tried to keep her temper. We had been in the damn clinic room for nearly a hour but I could not swallow the damn Ensure. The smell the consistence made my stomach flip with nausea.
“Mia!”
“Mi.” I hissed at her through my angry teeth. “I hate Mia!”
“Please Mia it’s just a name. Besides, Mia sounds so much better any way.”
She showed her shining teeth in a fake smile. It was a smile of her winning as my anger faded to sadness and I knew I wasn’t going to be able to keep up the fight. I sighed and took a tiny sip of the Ensure. It was vile. This was the strawberry version of the drink it tasted awful. The pale pink glop slopped back into the cup and wobbled like a soggy blamonge. I spluttered and gagged on the coating it gave to my mouth and throat. It could only be compared to drinking charcoal the black vile tasting drink they forced down you when an overdose was taken.
“Mia hurry it up please I do not have all day.” Crystal snapped actually stamping her foot on the floor like a spoilt teenager.
“I ate half of my lunch dam it!” I yelled. Her hand shifted to her alarmed wrist. With crystal I didn’t care. If was going down I was going down with a fight.
“Mia!” Crystal snapped now more angry then I had seen her before. I recoiled back bringing my kness up to my chin, wrapping my arms around them tight. I decided with Crystal a barricade was a good idea.
“You have to eat every thing in front of you and the calories you miss in your meal have to be made up for!”
I lashed out and pushed the cup of glue onto the floor it splattered covering the bottoms of Crystals ghastly white trousers. I saw red now. The control I had was slipping away and I took in to flight mode. I bounced off of the table with my hands and ripped past Crystal to the other side of the room to the box that had always got my attention when I was in here before. The sharps box. The little yellow container that had in it what I continuously sought. The blades to open up my skin.
I turned the yellow container on it’s head and shook it trying to look for anything that I could finish my self with. As the Low polyphonic beep filled the room around us of crystals alarm I knew I only had seconds. I scrambled around on the Ensure covered floor searching with frantic eyes for A razor blade a piece of glass, anything Before looking up and coming face to face with Emmet.
“Come now Mi.” He said placing one of his giant steady hands on my shoulder. “Stop this.”
I thought he was the good guy.
My frantic Eyes stopped immediately My hands fell by my side. Apparently Emmet had more control over me then I had over my self. How he managed it I did not know.
Crystal was now in the Ensure glop on the floor behind me. She wrapped her arms over my shoulders and restrained my hands and arms not bothering to be careful with my plastered hand. My back braced against her chest. All that came now from my chest was the sobbing, the hysterical hyper sobbing of A terrified child. I had nothing left in my entire life apart from the alien Iron grasps of people I didn’t know and the frantic search for someone’s dirty razor blades. I wanted to die. I never wanted to die more then now, my whole body ached for the relief of it.
“Emmet restrain her legs for me.” Crystal snapped. I braced my legs for the iron grasps but they never came just Emmet’s gentle hands. He rubbed his thumb up and down in comfort. Through my tears I could see his caring eyes which only made me Sob harder.
“We heard the alarm..” Said a breathless man from the door “ You got it under control Or do you need help?”
“Little madam thought she could attack me!” Crystal sneered making her grasp around me so tight I it felt like I couldn’t breath.
“I don’t know why she’s crying!” Crystal snapped again “nut case” Crystal said the last bit so silently only I could here it as her lips where at my ears.
“Actually I believe Mi was probably trying to harm her self with one of the sharps Crystal, she has no history of violence at all but much with self harm.” I heard a low rumbling in the back of her throat and the noisy chewing of her bottom lip as she made her grip around me even tighter , it hurt my ribs and chest. I could see Emmet wince as I did.
“On the other hand,” Emmet continued “ Mi is currently not in control of her actions and is very upset. Until she calms down and feels a bit happier I am going to ECA her, which of course means she is now on red till further notice, hopefully it wont be to long, I will do her ob’s first.”
I wailed my hart out slumping as much as I could in Crystals arms, completely defeated.
I thought Emmet was the good guy.
How to get to the ECA
“Please, please!” I begged trying to control the hysteria in my voice. “I won’t do anything. I wasn’t trying to attack Crystal. I wouldn’t even dream of it.” And I didn’t. I didn’t lurch off of the table to attack Crystal I wanted the sharps box. I wanted the razor blade, I wanted the release that the tiny sting would bring to me. I wanted the tiny red beads of blood across my skin. I needed the end of time it’s self.
“You should sedate her Emmet. She is completely uncontrollable and volatile.” Crystal snapped ignoring my pleas.
I howled. I wasn’t violent, I wouldn’t hurt her. No matter how much I wanted to. I wouldn’t even hurt my self if she would just let her iron grasp release around me. If she would just hate me a little less.
“I don’t think she needs sedating Crystal. She is showing no violence towards any of us at the moment. In fact you could probably un-restrain her now.”
“Lets get her to the ECA first.” Crystal said a little peeved that she didn’t have the chance to medicate me to an inch within my sanity. She shifted effortlessly to her feet with out warning me her arms still tight around me. Almost chocking me she dragged me to my feat. My back was still braced against her body and my chest still heaved with heavy sobs. I thought I was going to vomit over her as my stomach retched towards my chest.
“Crystal!” Emmet snapped now irritated with her and unable to control the edge to his voice “I don’t believe Mi knows how we move people to the ECA and I think you might of hurt her.”
I hared Crystal chuckle Inaudible to Emmet. I said nothing now, I did not wale or cry or scream this time, the numbness was now creeping back over my soul. Emmet approached me with two giant strides over the clinic room floor. He gently smoothed he thumb over my wet cheeks and sighed as my eyes stared right through him. Hardly recognizing his face near mine.
“Mi this is going to be very hard for you to let us do but no one will hurt you OK. I’m sorry.”
The punishment for my tears
Before I had time to ask what he meant Crystal had turned me around to face her so we where now heard to head, her breath smelt of coffee and cigarettes and her teeth where yellowing with stains. Upon her lips was badly applied red lipstick. Her face looked much older up close, and she did have a frightening authority about her. I had to hold my breath just so I didn’t scream in her face from the new fear that was now surging through my very being.
“Right.” Emmet sighed bending down in a crouch behind me. Crystal wrapped her arms in a position that restricted my head and upper body. All my muscles pulled against the entrapment desperate for the limited freedom I could have in this tiny clinic room with two other people.
“OK, One, two, three.” At three crystal pulled my upper body so I was on tip toes and Emmet lifted my legs into the air.
The screaming started with out me really realising it. The high pitched wails of the ultimately distressed. It hurt my ears and wished it would stop. I only realised I was the one screaming when I heard Emmet trying to sooth me. His voice could barely be heard over my piercing screams but he kept trying any way.
“Mi, I’m sorry Mi, I know it is horrible and a bit disorientating but it will be over soon I promise. You are safe, you are going to OK.” but my screaming could not be stopped. It was like a button had been pressed, my own personal alarm and nothing could silence it.
“Emmet what the hell!” A familiar voice shouted from behind me I tried to moved my head to look at her but crystal forced it back downwards with a little more force then was necessary, so I was looking at the floor, it made me feel sick as I watched the grainy tails’ swirl past my vision and had to swallow Lunch again. nice
“I will talk to you later Bella.” Emmet said the authority in his voice clear
I was not sure how many people where watching my slow accent down the corridor and up the stairs, but I am sure there were a lot each of them knowing with an underlying knowledge that this could just as easily of been them. Terrified, screaming and restrained. In any other place this would have been a thing you saw once in a life time. Here it was normal. Here this was life.
“Here we go Mi.” Emmet finely said leading me into a room where I was laid down on the floor in the same position I had been carried in. The staff still restraining me in there hold. They where calm and not even out of breath. They had done this far to often that was clear. How many people before me had become there thing to play with? The worse thing was I still wasn’t sure what I had done wrong to deserve this. I stopped when he asked me to.
“One, Two three.” Crystal yelled. The restraints around me where then released, Crystal, Emmet and the others we picked up on the way bolted out the door in perfect formation. Then there was a clicking sound, the sound of the lock, Keeping me in. There little prisoner. I didn’t move from the position where I was left and the screaming stopped. The tears came again now but they where inaudible. He told me it was all right to cry, but when I did, I landed up in prison.
So this is the ECA…Figures
I stayed face down on then floor for what seemed like a long time. The tears where silent but I couldn’t stop them coming. My body felt like it had been beaten and battered by the storm and had been left here to die. The main thing was I didn’t care all that much, I didn’t care if I stayed here forever, if in time I faded into oblivion,
The beeping of a card key sounded and someone walked in signalled by the noisy floor boards underneath. The door then shut again with an Abrupt click. I still didn’t move even though I now knew I wasn’t alone. Who ever it was I hated right then. Finally he spoke.
“Mi, I’m sorry.” Emmet’s voice was soft and caring, my muscles tightened but I did not move, for the fear I might actually attack him. How could he do this to me, after he promised. I bit the carpet. I didn’t want to think about it.
“Would you like me to leave you In here for a bit? Are you tired? I know you didn’t sleep well. There’s a bed over there. Try and have a nap darling.” I looked over at the “bed” In reality it was a water resistant mattress with no sheet or duvet. I closed my eyes where I laid and tried to make the numbness take over me but for some reason I was hurt beyond repair. The tears would not stop coming.
“All right darling, I leave you alone. I’m right out side the door OK.”
“How could you?” I sniffed through my tears. Somehow finding my voice. I rolled over and sat up staring at him the tears streaming down my face. “I stopped when you asked me to. All I did was cry.” I said my voice cracking as I felt something inside me splinter as I looked into Emmet’s face.
Emmet sighed but didn’t speak. I looked around the room from where I sat. It was the same as all the other rooms but bare with just the mattress there was also no window either but it was the walls that where most different, The walls that made me want to scream again. They where covered in egg box textured foam. I was in a padded cell with a posh name.
“Crystal can be difficult.” Emmet said softly with an element of spite in his town. “She wanted something done and I did what I Could to limit your discomfort Mi.”
I snorted a sarcastic laugh and got to my feet. I walked over to the wall and rested my head against the foam, closing my eyes two more tears fell to the floor. How could he think this would limit my discomfort in any way?
“Emmet I’m in a padded cell.” I whined. Grasping the wall with my fingers. It caused me no pain, I didn’t like that. I wanted the pain.
“I know honey, I’m sorry.” I kicked the wall in frustration. My anger building, I kicked it again. He had no reason for putting me in here, he just could. So he did, he could apologize all he wanted but now it made no sense.
“Oh Kid. I know I can’t make you understand why I did this and if it was me in that clinic room with you I wouldn’t have sent you here. Crystal thought you tried to attack her…”
“Oh come on!” I yelled Spinning around to glare at him, but he pushed on. He seemed unable to deal with my anger at him. Like somehow he felt angry at him self too.
“I don’t think you tried to attack her Mi. It is not in your nature to be violent, well not to any on else at least. I just wanted to get you out of that horrible situation you where in there. I didn’t want Crystal to sedate you but I wanted to get you un-restrained because I know that freaks you out. It’s not for long OK honey. I just want you to stay in here for an hour and I will put you back down to green OK.”
“What ever. I don’t care any more.” I grumbled collapsing back on to the floor, And at that moment I didn’t.
Big brother is watching.
Emmet did not leave me again, Neither did he talk but that was OK. Even though I had moved into a reality where I didn’t care about anything, the ECA was something I could not block out no matter how hard I tried. It was cold and unfamiliar. Of course big brother was watching as well. CCTV cameras where in the corner of the cells monitoring every move of the “nut cases” that lingered inside them. Every few minutes I shot a glace up at them suspiciously. In a room like this where they really necessary? What could any one do in here?
“Do the cameras scare you?” Emmet asked
“Big brother is watching.” I grumbled, more to my self then him. Emmet chuckled and his face twisted into the familiar smile.
“Yeah they can be like that, but they can be really effective.” I raised my eyebrows in scepticism and he giggled again. “If the cameras where not there people on red observation would never get a brake from our ugly mugs. With the cameras here we can give people an element of privacy. Put it this way. If the cameras where not there I would have to be here weather you liked it or not.
“So who watches them?” I asked letting my eyes stray back up to the grumbling camera in the corner.
“How are you feeling?” Emmet asked eyeing me like I might be about to explode.
“Like a caged animal.”
“Well come on then, lets get you out of here. Of course your on Green but it’s better than this right? I nodded eagerly glancing nervously once again at the cameras. “Do you want to see the CCTV room Mi? I can see your anxious.”
Ghost girl
“Are you allowed to do that?” I asked sceptically. Emmet seemed to care little about the rules and I could see him getting him self into trouble. I wasn’t sure why that worried me but it did all the same.
“With a few precautions obviously, but yeah, there are many clients who are afraid of the cameras and this helps to calm theme. Especially if they spend a lot of time in high dependency.” I rolled my eyes, another posh name for the padded cell. I wonder how many people actually took it for what it was.
“Come on then Mi lets go take a peek.” Emmet opened the door and led me out into another room what looked like a nurses station. It was a soft pastel blue with two long desks. There was also a white board above the desk with the room names and clients next to them. Date of birth and observations where also there. Then at the end there was a box that said suicide watch. A few of the box’s where ticked, including mine. I sighed.
“Lets aim to get you off of that hay.” Emmet said smiling reading my expression, of course he got the wrong end of the stick when it came to this. The only reason I was sad I was on suicide watch was because they would be expecting any real attempt I could throw at them.
“Through here Mi.” Emmet said softly pointing to a small door at the right of the room, it had CCTV control written on it in bold letters. Emmet opened the door a crack and pocked his head through the gap.
“All right in here Harry?” Emmet asked the person behind the door. “I was wondering if it was OK if Mi come in to have a look at the CCTV.
“Sure.” Harry said happily so Emmet opened the door fully and stepped inside beckoning for me to follow. I stepped into the room cautiously
This room was white with a computer and six small LCD television’s each showing a room. They where named ECA 1A,1B. 2A, 2B. 3A, 3B, on the top right hand side and on the left there was either a blank box or a patients name. My eyes stopped on ECA 1, It had Mia written in the corner. I gulped. I hated seeing it almost more from here then what I did when I was in there. It looked like a dog kennel. I breathed a sigh of relief that I was out of there. Then in the corner of ECA 3 I noticed a twitch of movement. There twisted up in the tiniest corner of the room was a ghost girl So tiny and small wearing pink pyjamas rocking back and forth. On the left corner of the screen, Arabella was written.
Imprisoned for her own good.
The girl didn’t show her face as she rocked back and forth, bouncing on the balls of her feet. She had no resemblance to my sister apart from her first name but that was enough to hold me in a trance looking at the camera. Staring at the little body that seemed so out of place in such a cold empty room.
“Who’s that?” I asked my voice braking with tears as I watched the broken girl on the film. Emmet glanced at me sceptically and considered dragging me out of the room but I could not budge from the spot I was stood in. It felt like someone had to ask these questions. To at lest acknowledge that she was there.
“I haven’t seen her at lunch or anything.” I said again desperately trying to make my voice sound more casual and less appalled
“Arabella doesn’t leave the ECA, it is the best way we can look after her.” Harry said looking at me a grimace on his face.
“How the hell have you worked that out!” I said snapping a little. Her prison cell had literally drove her insane all ready, how long had she been In there in the dark in pyjamas being watched like some kind of science experiment. Like her life was somehow worthy of no more.
“Arabella’s very sick. Honey.” Emmet said softly resting his hand on my shoulder. He sighed gently.
“We needed to make sure she is kept safe and this is the only way we know how. Known of us like it Mi.” I reached out my hand and lightly pressed my fingers to the screen over the tiny figure and then over her name. I felt a stab in my chest as I let my memory’s of my own Arabella over take me for a second.
“She look’s terrified.” I said more to my self then the rest of the people around me and as if in answer to my concern the motions of her rocking picked up a little bit while some squeaks some times come form the speaker on the TV. She sounded in pain.
“Come on Mi, you should go now.” Emmet said trying to lead me towards the door.
I stole one last glance at the television before dragging my eyes away towards the door. My legs began to walk though I wanted to stay.
“Really Mi.” Harry said again his attention on me instead of the camera for a second “This really is for her own good. We wouldn’t do it if there was any other way.”
I sighed and walked out the room. Was it really possible to imprison someone for there own good? Plus if that was them trying to make her better what had she been like before?
Nothing but that.
“Mi, Do you want to talk about it.” Emmet asked placing a restraining hand onto my shoulder as he lead me back into the corridor from the nurses station. I tried to wriggle out of it so I could run back to the privacy of my new cell. The anger was now rising in my body and with it the tears . I know Emmet had seen me cry before but this was different. Not the normal grief for my own life lost but now for someone else’s. For the little lost girl spending her life locked in the darkness of apple gates “padded cell” Arabella had almost instantly became more important then me now weather it was just because of her name or because I had never seen another teenager as completely destroyed as the rocking girl on the cameras. Who the hell was she a threat to, and why did no one else stand up for her?
“What talk about the fact your are keeping a terrified teenager looked in a padded cell for her own good.” I snapped sarcastically “Emmet, I’m more a danger to other people’s safety then she is!” I bit down on my lip hard trying to stem the angry tears. “She’s been driven to an inch of her sanity in there god damn it!” I stopped and breathed a deep breath as I was now literally shaking with the rage in me
. “I’m going to my room!” I snapped seeing the grimace form on Emmet’s face and his hand once again edging to his alarm. They used that bloody thing like a toy. I ran down the corridor before he could stop me. The tears spilling over my eyes.
“Mi are you safe?” He called again before I disappeared into my room. Was I ever? I nodded twice sharply and disappeared into my room. I heard him sigh from the end of the corridor and half expected him to come after me. So I waited trembling silently on my bed for the intrusion but after a few moments he didn’t so I knew it was safe.
I jumped off of the bed and started passing up and down the centre of the tiny room. With every second I spent in there I hated it more. This was designed to suck the individuality out of the individuals, to make us what they think we should be. To do to us what they had done to Arabella. They said she was volatile but all I saw was a scared little girl. Stripped of everything including her dignity, her privacy and her sanity. What the hell did she do to make two grown men like Harry and Emmet fear her so? Why could they not see her like I saw her now? Was there so much power to hold it over me in just a name?
I paced faster my breathing accelerating into almost panic. I dug my nails into the palms of my hand and bit my bottom lip repeatedly but nothing could ease the anger. Nothing could numb the pain of seeing her in there, nothing could stop the intrusive pictures of both this Arabella and MY Arabella intruding in my brain. No nothing… Nothing but… that.
Help me
I suddenly stopped pacing right in front of my wardrobe. I had wanted to leave it longer then that. I hadn’t wanted to run back and fall into my safety net quite so soon but the moment seemed to be right. The razor hiding under the shelf could solve the way I was feeling right then. The razor was the only possible thing that had a chance of penetrating the grief I felt for Arabella and the angry wave of bitter sadness that was heavy inside of me.
I slowly and carefully dragged my finger over the underside of the shelf trying to locate the blade that was there. It took two attempts as my hand was shaking with the anticipation of it, but there at the far left was the familiar metal object. I carefully picked at the blue tack that held it in place and then with a slight tinkling it dropped to the bottom of the wardrobe. I eagerly scrambled around until I found the blade and had it safely in my hands.
Floating over to my bed I sat down with both my legs out. I popped both my head phones in my ears before pulling up both of my trouser legs. It wasn’t where I wanted to cut but with the absence of the use of the hand in the plaster cast my arms where untameable. The legs would have to do.
The razor blade ate away at the skin on my legs causing deep wide gashes to pump blood all over the bed sheets. This as always felt good. I breathed in deeply and felt the elastic bands that had been constricting around my rib cage snap one by one. With each cut another restriction snapped and my body began to wake up, and the sick perverse pleasure I felt floated over my entire body, making me smile.
Over and over I slashed the blade down across my legs. My breathing rose into near hysteria as the drug I craved flowed faster and faster through my veins, every cut sent the supply higher l and the more I had the more I needed. The same feeling over and over again magnified.
The white sheet was now saturated in the deep red blood and accesses puddles gathered on the top. I plunged my hands (good and bad) into the puddles and splashed around in them like a child would with Wellington boots on after a thunder storm.
Still this wasn’t enough to sedate the monster within me and more I cut. The cutting soon became to intense and it slipped out of my control and I swapped legs and started on the other one pressing deeper so the cuts would split wider and the blood pumped quicker.
Soon I was scared and the good feeling went as quickly as it came as the panic now began to set in. I wanted to stop with the cutting now. My head was spinning and the rusty smell of the blood was making my stomach flip but I couldn’t. The possession set in with the mania and now although I was crying, almost screaming in my attempt to take control I could not stop the frenzied stabs and slices.
As the song on my I pod changed to something more sad and sleepy my eye lids grew heavy with the spinning room, but still I could not stop and with the little consciousness I had left I carved the words “help me” in deep to my legs before slipping under the veil of blackness.
Ask and you shall receive…Dam it
I came round to the alarms and the shouting of a women.
“
Emmet! Emmet! I’m going to need you in dream ASAP.” The thudding of Giant foot steps thundered up the hall way,
“
What’s the matter Lauren?” He panted.
“
I… I think she’s hurt pretty bad.”
“
Mi!… Mi honey, open your eyes now! Emmet said gently shaking my shoulders until I slowly opened my eyes for him. He remained blurry around the edges but his face calmed me down a bit Was this the help I carved upon my legs arrival. Somewhere in me I found a smile.
“
Good girl Mi, you stay awake for me now and we will get you fixed up. “ Tears welled at my eyes. He was still being kind to me and I could not understand why. I was waiting for the explosion, the bitter edge to his words. I was waiting for him to give up on me and despair like so many before him had done. I wanted to scream at him, ask why he was still here. Ask why the hell he thought I deserved his compassion, but in the end all my lips could muster was a croaky “sorry”
”
It’s all right honey we all have blips, and if anything it is a fault on are part, we are here to keep you safe and we have failed this time.”
I felt wretched. Here Emmet was blaming him self for my lack of control. I was never meant to go this deep, not then any way, I just wanted to feel better. I was just grasping at anything to make the pain go away, and it had, but as always with my own kind of therapy, the pain always came back. Just with more intensity. Just more demanding and prominent.
“
What can we do Em?” A voice asked from the door of my room. Where was a little gathering of staff who had all responded to the persistent panic alarm. Every one of them looked calm and collected like this was all part of the day job apart from one and that was little Lauren.
Lauren was barley older then my self with shoulder length straight mousy brown hair. Her face was now chalky white but there was still a rosy colouring to her cheeks Her eyes where a shocking Emerald green and maybe though not in the traditional sense of the word she was mystically beautiful. She was the opposite of the Barbie girl plastic stunning like Ingrid represented so well but A deeper more poignant beauty reedited from her. Once again I felt completely inadequate in her presence.
“
Right, Lauren go to the staff room and have a sweet drink or something so we don’t have to deal with you fainting. Andrea can you come over here and hold her legs up to try and stop the bleeding. Jacob can you run down to the clinic and pick up what ever looks like it will be absorbent enough to deal with this and some pressure bandages. Josh go and call an ambulance and try to keep the other clients either in there rooms or the lounge for the time being as we don’t want to upset them and Erin can you go and get Esmee and tell her to get blood pressure and oxygen monitors and then come up here to help me before the ambulance arrives. Also Mi is now on red arms length observations.”
The fuzziness in my head cleared suddenly with the last statement and the screaming that I had been containing echoed out of my mouth like I had just been possessed by the devil. I didn’t even know what red obs where but I knew they where bad. I knew they where at the height of their power and I new that people had been known to choose the ECA over it and that place alone had sent me insane in just the one short hour I had spent in there.
“
Keep your legs still Honey” Andrea said to me in what sounded like a strong Scottish accent but it was caring and almost sympathetic like some how I had not been the one to cause my own injury’s.
“
Try and calm down Honey we got it all under control, your going to be OK darling.” Emmet whispered soothingly just belay audible over my internal screaming and struggling limbs. How the hell had I got my self into this mess all over again?
“
How can you say that? You just put me on red obs.” I spat at him almost in a shout as I tried to out shout the screaming in my head.
“
Mi I am giving you the help you have asked for.” Emmet said a little sterner this time before going back to pushing the sheet he had ripped off my bed into the deep wounds. “I will help you like you asked even if you don’t really want me to.”
Reality is harder.
I did not speak as Emmet Andrea and Jacob worked over my legs that where resting on top of a pile of pillows. I didn’t even take much notice of the blood pressure monitor or oxygen clip on my finger that the other staff nurse called Esmee worked over.
“
Blood pressures in her boots.” She grumbled to the three working on my legs. “ Oxygen’s All right at 94 but there’s room for improvement.”
“
she hasn’t cut any main arteries from what we can see.” Emmet responded in his nurse’s mode now. “Maybe two damaged arteriole but we are managing to stem the blood flow well. Saying that she will probably need quite a few stitches and some fluids. If not a possible blood transfusion .”
“
Do we know her blood type?” Esmee responded
“
It’s in her records as she had to have a transfusion for her wrist injury, I believe it’s A”
My brain knew what all these facts and figures meant but didn’t really care all that much. I also felt strangely indifferent to the groups of people talking over me like I was a hospital manikin they had done there training on. I was worth nothing else. In fact I wasn’t even worth that.
Tears kept pricking annoyingly at the back of my eyes though I managed to push them away. I had no possible reason to cry, I had done all this to my self, My choice, So my tears where redundant. So
I closed my eyes wanting to sleep. The pain of the void in my stomach becoming to much to contain.
“
Open your eyes Mi. We don’t want you sleeping.” I ignored Esmee even though her voice was kind and kept my eyes shut slowly going under again. Unconsciousness was peace full, Unconsciousness was a black non reality where nothing could get through the barrier of absolute numbness. Unconsciousness didn’t hurt. Reality on the other hand though was something interlay different. Reality was the red anger, and the irrevocable sadness that consumed my mind and body. Reality was the daily struggle for control. The daily fight between thin and beautiful and the greedy hunger my body felt. Reality was hard. Much harder. To hard.
Trapped
Thump. My body crashed back into the cold brick wall, this time I had not been fast enough to out run my attackers, this time they had me just where they wanted me, firmly within their grasps.
I kept my breathing as even as possible though I had just run the perimeter of the school playing field twice and because the fear of what was to come built in me. I desperately searched inside me for the button that would calm my fear. These people where like animals they smelt fear and feasted upon it. It was here in these situations I had to become numb.
Emily cleared the back of her thought and gobbed into my face. My stomach retched as the green spit crawled down the side of my cheek. I could deal with anything apart from spit. Spit made me sick to my stomach and of course I showed this as I bent over and started retching onto the floor.
Emily’s pack laughed hard bending over in hysterics, some had the mobile phones out filming the drama so they could post it onto you tube in the evening and share it among the people who found my misfortune funny.
“
You’re a freak” Emily said pushing me back up against the wall and bringing her face close up to mine. An involuntary shiver went down my spine as her breath tickled on my face. Emily laughed “I know what you do freak.” she said again stepping back from me and with a click of her fingers her “bodyguards” had me hold by my shoulders.
Emily went to pull my sleeve up of my school jumper, but at the same instant I snapped out of the numbness and started to struggle. They could not find out about what lied underneath those sleeves, they could not find out about my brand new drug to get me though the day. It had to be my secret as all honesty I probably was a freak for what I was doing.
I kicked out with my legs and struggled with my shoulders trying to get out of there grasps. It worked but they grabbed back hold of them again and forced me back up against the wall with another thump.
“
get off me you bitch,” I yelled still struggling even though the collusion of the wall had sent pain vibrating threw my body and my head spinning “Get the fuck off me!”
Emily’s cold hand slapped the side of my face. The burning sting made me still for a second and that was all she needed. She grabbed my wrist with one hand and with the other tore the sleeve of my jumper up.
There underneath where the long red cuts I had made with my compass in the lesson before. The tears stung the back of my eyes as she dug her nails deep into the cuts and she started the chanting for the rest to join in.
“
freak ,freak ,freak ,freak, freak.”
All the kings horses and all the kings men couldn’t put Mia together again
“
Mi open your eyes for me love” I ignored the persistence in her voice and tried to stay in my black state of non reality but in the end It was the persistence of the painful rub of knuckles on my collar bone that finally made the blackness retreat and my eyes flicker open.
“
Hello Mi I’m Rachel, one of the paramedics. I think we might of met before.” The foggy memories of the familiar face came back to me slowly. Rachel had been the one that come last time I had done something to my self and here she was again fussing over me, when I should of just been left to bleed it out.
“
Here you go honey, this will make you feel a bit better.” Rachel snapped the green elastic of a oxygen mask over my face. The rubber smell made me cough and in tried to claw it off with my fingers but Andrea stopped me by pressing the mask firmly to my mouth
”
Sharp scratch.” Rachel said again before plunging the canola into my good hand and attached it to a drip that Emmet held in the air. He sighed sadly at my defeated face and I manage a small smile to reassure him, this was Ok, this is what I deserved. This is what my whole life had been about. He didn’t need to feel bad for my choices.
“
So mi, how do you feel about a trip into hospital see if we can get you put back together again?” Rachel asked looking over my face and I sighed , no one could ever put me back together again. I had been broken for far to long.
Melted... Ouch
Being carried down a flight of stares on a stretcher was almost as strange and nauseating as being dragged restrained face down through the corridors to the ECA. At least this time no one saw it happen, it appeared that Josh had did his job well and contained the rest of the clients away from the drama I had caused.
“How are you doing Mi?” Rachel asked looking down at my face as we reached the car park and they started wheeling me over the rough ground. The trolley vibrated so violently that the whole of my body shock with it until A tingling sensation overcame me. It wasn’t a nice sensation. I shuddered.
“Are you in pain?” Emmet asked catching the movement. I shock my head and we continued are journey to the ambulance.
Rachel opened the back doors of the ambulance and rolled me up inside before once again clipping me to all of the monitors. Obviously they weren’t what she would of liked as with out warning she pushed my head down and pulled my legs back up into the air.
“Mi? Be honest with me now as we can’t help you unless you are. Have you took anything as well as cutting you legs?” Rachel asked with a suddenly serous expression.
“No.” Was the only word I could force out of my mouth. The question didn’t seem right. It was assumed I would take an overdose. That I was trying take my life when in honesty I had to cut just to survive. Just to make it though every day.
“Are you sure?” Rachel asked again as she raised her eye brow on one side.
"No. alarmed expressions on every one's face "I men Yes” expressions relax.
“Really sure?”
“Yes.” I snapped irritated.
“I think I might ask the doctors to give you a little blood test when we get to A& E anyway just to make sure.” Rachel said smiling sweetly. My half hearted responses and facile expression obviously didn’t pass the grade because she clearly thought I was lying through my teeth at her. I rolled my eyes. What was the point of asking me if she had all ready made up her mind that I was going to go ahead and lie.
What was the point of pretending I had any power at all if she was just going to go ahead and shit all over my answers and do what she wanted anyway. Was it just to make me feel bad? If so she had done a pretty good job. In the end wasn’t it still my life? Or had I been stripped of that title of being a human with rights as well. I swallowed the angry explosion that was rising in protest at the back of my throat and let the numbness seep back over me again. It was not worth the fight it would only make her think I was hiding something.
“Is someone one coming with Mi?” Rachel asked the staff out side of the ambulance once again ignoring my existence as she went to close the ambulance doors. Both Emmet and Esmee went to step into the ambulance but Emmet gave Esmee one gentle look and she backed down giving Emmet the job
I’m Emmet.” Emmet said giving Rachel a quick hand shake before taking a big step up into the ambulance and taking a seat on the green cracked PVC chair opposite me. He smiled gently at me before reaching out and taking one of my hands in his. He rubbed the back of it with his thumb which felt wired.
I tried to smile back but the tears had come before I could stop them. His warm touch and gentle smile melted the ice cold numbness that had been sedating me though the pain, through the anger, through everything. He had woken me up and everything I was repressing flooded in the barricades. I had to swallow the scream that tried to burst out my mouth. He had made me the fragile little girl I felt like again and I wished he hadn’t. I couldn’t be strong when I felt like a newborn baby.
They are only tears
“Mi, there’s no need to be brave I can give you some morphine if you are in pain.” Rachel hesitated before adding “ Or do you like the pain?” I brought my injured legs up hard and bashed them down causing the pain to ripple through my body like a thousand tiny knives. I cried out before I could stop my self. Somehow I thought causing my self more pain would make my point.
“I don’t think that’s a very appropriate question at the moment.” Emmet intervened gripping my hand slightly tighter as I began to shake and the uncontrolled sobs I had been trying to gulp down erupted out of my chest. I bit the pillow I had my head on trying to stop them but they come thick and fast now. I pulled at Emmet’s hand to let me go so I could hide my face in shame but he held on tight still rubbing the back of it with his thumb. Him alone now fought the daemons that raged inside me. This time I had all ready lost the battle against them.
“is she violent?” Rachel asked now concerned as she watched my shaking body. “Should we pull over and get the police, Is she likely to get physically aggressive?”
I wailed harder and she took a stepped back as far as she could in the crowded ambulance. I hated being feared, I had never once tried to hurt any one. Not even when Emily had me up against the wall trying to beat the crap out of me had I ever raised a finger back. Why did every one assume I wanted to hurt them? Was I really that messed up as a human being?
“For Heavens sake.” Emmet announced the most irritated I had ever heard him “What she doing to make you imagine she is aggressive?” He snapped, I could tell the question was rhetorical. “They are only tears .”
Cuddles sedative and someone else’s tears
“This is Mia Dorado, age 15. Has sever lacerations to both right and left lower legs. Her blood pressure is In her boots and is currently on high flow oxygen to maintain her levels. At the moment is very upset and anxious but is considered non violent. Mia is currently an impatient at Apple gate house children’s psychiatric hospital where she is on High level constant arms length observations. She was found unconscious with severe blood loss but was treated by staff nurses on seen. She was fainted when we got to her but has been alert ever since. This is Emmet one of the staff nurse’s from the unit and will be performing her observations while she is in the emergency department.”
After the doctors and nurses listened intently to Rachel’s hand over they converged onto the trolley taking me from all sides, they effortlessly picked me up and placed me onto the awaiting bed while Rachel and her team mate took the ambulance trolley away.
I continued with my hysteric sobs as the nurses and doctors worked around me attaching me to various monitors and drips and for the first time Emmet let go of my hand to avoid getting in the way.
My reaction was instant and instinctive but totally unreasonable. There was no need for the panic stricken shriek that erupted out of my mouth like I had been processed by some evil spirit. There was no reason for my limbs to thrash about like I had just been electrocuted. There was defiantly no reason for my desperate grasping hands to fly out in his direction to try And grab hold of him again like I had just been left by my mother on the first day of school but I did any way, and I continued to scream as my body trembled from head to foot. His hand in mine had been stopping the screams That where building in my chest through the ambulance journey. His hand had been fighting the Demons that floated around my body. With out his touch I had become possessed by them. With out his hand gripped to mine and the rhythmic rubbing of his thumb on the back of my hand I lost the only control I had left and I was taken over completely.
With out realising what I was doing I ripped the oxygen off of my face and the blood pressure cuff off my arm. I tore at the leads connected to my chest which instantly made the crash alarm wail and while the nurses reacted to the alarm I yanked the canola out of my hand witch sent a jet of deep red blood shooting up to hit one of the nurses square in the chest.
I jumped up off of the bed with a clatter of crashing metal behind me and was on my feet running as fast as my injured legs could carry me. I had no idea what I was doing. Or where I was going but the daemons in my mind pushed me on. All rational judgment had been erased from my mind all control of every aspect of my life had been erased. All I could here was the frantic urgent screaming in my head.
“ Mia stop!” I could here the thundering of footsteps behind me but I pushed on any way, beyond demands that I know I should respond to, I had lost my mind, I had lost my dignity, I had lost everything and I had to keep running. Somehow I had to runaway from my self.
Suddenly Emmet was in front of me blocking my way out the door and as not to bump in to him I hit the brakes skidding to a holt on the floor. The screaming stopped as I looked up into his eyes the tears streaming down over my cheeks. I also noticed tears glistening in his to but he, unlike me managed to keep them controlled. With one stride he stepped forwarded and I instantly flinched expecting the restraint to come but it never did. Instead he had me wrapped tightly in his arms my face buried into his chest. He was hugging me. The sobs came back now and so did the shaking, but they where my tears, not the demons that I feared.
“It’s all right honey. It all right little one.” He whispered into my ear. “I shook harder but he kept talking softly to me. “It’s all right sweet hart, I’ve got you now, your Ok, your going to be Ok. It’s all right darling. Sleep now”
With that I felt the needle stick into the side of my arm, and the blackness washed over me.
I will be with you again
“
You realise it’s you fault!” My mother snapped slamming her hands down on the table “She wouldn’t be dead if you where not so damn moody all of the time! You killed her”
I pushed my chair away from the table and jumped up before legging it to the kitchen door. My mum lunged for me but I slipped under her arm and legged it to my bedroom the tears stabbing relentlessly in my eyes. I would not cry in front of her.
Of course she was right. Of course it was my fault. Arabella was dead because of me. Why wasn’t I the one dead and cold in the ground? My body ached with out Arabella, she had been my whole entire life and she had gone in a puff of smoke and she left me behind. There was an aching gapping hole punched through my Tummy. There was no way to heal it. There was no way I could get away from it. There was no way I could live with it either. I had to get out and I new how.
I popped two pills out of the packet in my hand and swallowed them with the stale can of coke in my room. Over and over again I took out the little white tablets and placed them in my mouth swallowing. Once all the packets where empty I walked over to the canvas print of her on my wall and planted a kiss on her cheek.
“
It wont be long now Arabella. I will be with you again soon.”
Waking up two
My eyes flickered open and closed before I decided it was to much effort and I closed them again, I never wanted to wake up any way.
“
Mia. Are you awake now?”
I opened my eyes again and looked around at my surroundings . I was lying in the same ward I had been in before. but. there sitting on the chair staring intently at me, sat crystal.; My hart sank.
“
Hi crystal…Umm, do you know what happened.”
“
You made a bid for freedom. Emmet had to restrain you and then you where sedated. They stabilized you and took you to surgery to do your stitches. You have about forty all and all.” Crystal said coldly before picking up her magazine again thumbing through the pages.
Unscathed by crystals abrupt coldness I turned over in the bed so my back Was towards her and snuggled under the blankets hoping sleep would find me again. I had no desire to make small talk with the crystal
“
Put you hands where I can see them please.” crystal huffed dropping the mag on the floor. I turned back around in her direction not sure what she meant. Rolling her eyes crystal got to her feet and pulled the blankets back off of my torso and yanked my arms above before pulling the blankets back up. The woven fabric pulling against the dressings on my legs which made me wince and her roll her eyes, then with a huff she sat back down again and picked up the magazine her eyes resting on the pictures of the article “How to lose a stone in ten easy steps.” It seemed inappropriate for the situation but hay.
“
Oh sorry.” I mumbled trying to tare my eyes away from the stick thin tanned models on the front of the magazine showing off their tummy’s in exotic swim ware. Crystal eyed me suspiciously before obscuring the picture of her hand and fixing me with a menacing gaze.
“
Look.” Crystal snapped her eyes boring into me “I don’t like this either but because of your little tantrum with the razor blades you have landed you self on red observations and just because you are in here doesn’t mean they you get away with it.”
“
What’s red obs?” I asked feeling sick I new it wasn’t good.
“
There constant and sometimes arms length like they are for you now unless you are in the ECA, meaning I have to be at an arms length from you at all times and I need to have a clear view of what you are doing. I obviously can’t observe you when you have your back to me and your hands under the blankets.”
I shock off the anger that burnt through my body. Crystal had no right to make me feel anything I didn’t want to. I hated anger. Anger was an unsafe feeling, anger was uncontrollable. I was not wasting my feelings on crystal when she did nothing for me.
I stared up to the ceiling with such intensity my eyes blurred over. Crystal huffed and went back to looking at her magazine. The anger swelled uncomfortably again and I gripped the blanket and bit my bottom lip. She had to watch me at all times when it suited her and when bikini modals where not more important.
Esmee
“
Hello girls” A little woman said floating towards the bed in a grace full manner, she was strangely familiar, though I could not put a name to her face. Crystal got up instantly dropping the magazine on the floor and walked over to greet her pleased that she was finally to be set free of me.
“
Hello Crystal. How are you?” The little woman asked having to look up to see into Crystal’s eyes. “How has Mi been?” Crystal didn’t say anything but I could of guess she was rolling her eyes. I didn’t talk to her for the rest of the time she was in there so she had nothing to moan about. Crystal didn’t like that. She wanted to complain. She wanted to cause me trouble. She wanted to cause anyone and everyone trouble.
“
Well have a good afternoon Crystal.” I’m sure Mi and my self will have a good time.” She sent a sparkling smile in my direction and with out really noticing or thinking about what I was doing I smiled back, it was effortless. Crystal moaned something under her breath and left her heals echoing on the floor.
The mystical woman advanced towards my bed in more of a dance then a walk her thick deep red hair bouncing around her shoulders like she was advertising shampoo. Her eyes where as black as the night but they sparkled like they had glitter in them. Her complexion was milky white but she had perfect red rosy cheeks. She wore a lovely flowing white top which made her curves in perfect proportion. She was not size zero super model skinny but she wasn’t meant to be that way she was perfectly beautiful.
“
Thin is beauty Mia, if you are thin you are perfect, when you are thin people will love you. Who could love you, the way you look. The way the fat sticks to your face and stomach and hips. You are discussing. You disgust me.”
I winced at the voice in my head as she came close to my bed, I tried to hide the expression with a yawn but she saw it any way.
“
Do you need some pain killers.” she asked before taking the seat next to my bed.
“
No I’m fine.” I reassured “just a twinge.” I glanced down at my legs.
“
Well there is no need to be in pain my love. She said gently patting the blankets on the side of My bed. “That are what pain killers are for. They must be sore, I don’t mind seeing if a nurse can get you some.
“
No, honest I have just had some.”
“
Well if your sure, just tell me if you change your mind.”
“I will. Ummm I’m not sure I have meat you before.” I said quietly
“
Oh I’m sorry honey. I suppose you where a little bit worse for wear the last time we met. I’m Esmee sweetheart. I was the one doing your blood pressure and things back at the unit before the ambulance arrived. I am sorry we had to meat like that when you weren’t feeling all that well.”
Her face suddenly fit into the picture and I knew why she was familiar, she didn
’t look half as beautiful back then as what she did now but that was probably because I was barely with it.
“
How are you feeling now my honey? Emmet said you where not doing so well yesterday when you came in.”
My vision suddenly clouded over as the foggy memory’s of the day before entered my head. I was not sure where the daemons had surfaced from yesterday but I couldn’t get rid of them and I had been taken over. The warmness of Emmet’s arms around me made my body shudder. He had saved me but I didn’t deserve it Crystal had said he was restraining but there was no way he was. Now there was a bit of me that wished he had, rejection and violence I seemed to understand better then love and care. I shuddered again as a velvet touch similar to his touched my hand. Esmee had obviously seen the sadness the had crept over my face.
“
Are you all right Mi?” She asked
“
Yeah.” I said shaking my head viciously trying to get rid of the fog that had gathered
“
Yeah fine.” I muttered shaking my head again. “Is it all right if I go to the loo?” I asked trying to change the subject.
Esmee sighed knowing I wasn
’t going to like her answer all that much.
“
Sure, you can honey, but you do realize I will have to be with you.”
I’m already dead
I could not speak as Esmee helped me back to my bed. My body shock with anger and resentment. The rest of my dignity had now been torn away from me and flushed away. Esmee had watched patients use the bathroom before and she did not try to make it harder for me but there was no way to make it better, what I just had to go through was horrendous, degrading. soul crushing.
“
You wont be on red obs very long Mi and none of us pay any attention to it. It’s just part of are job.” Esmee said gently trying to sooth me but there was nothing she could do so I nodded once bluntly but could not look Esmee in the face. I know she was trying to make me feel better but her efforts where pointless. Nothing but time could now make me feel better.
I buried my head face down into the lumpy hospital pillow and once again let the tears take over me . I had been crying far to much lately as normally I never cried but now things seemed more helpless then ever before Apple gate was keeping alive my corps. Inside I was already dead.
Tired of being tired
Esmee let me cry for a long time with out interruption, if it were not for her steady deep breathing beside my bed I would of sworn she had left me there.
My face hurt with the crying. The tears that had fallen on my checks had dried and where now sore and uncomfortable. My eyes stung and my lip tasted funny because I had been biting them so much. My breathing came in short shudders that made my body shake and my hair stuck to the sides of my sweaty face. In short I looked like a ship wreck.
“
Mi, can I help?” Esmee finally asked gently, placing her hand on the small of my back. I was hot and clammy after all the crying and my clothes stuck uncomfortably to my skin. It was nice feeling to have Esmee’s cool hand placed there. I managed to hold my shuddering breaths for a moment and laid completely still not wanting to disturb the hand on my back.
“
Do you want to talk about it Mi?” Esmee said removing her hand from my back. Talk about what? There was nothing to talk about. My feelings took on no words to vocalise. There was no reason for my constant despair. For why I always felt so damn tired all of the time; for why nothing mattered any more. Yes the loss of my sister nearly destroyed me but I Had felt the dark despair long before the day she died. I had felt the harshness of metal digging into the fragile skin long before Arabella, had left me forever. What was my excuse for all the times back then. Maybe I didn’t deserve to be happy, maybe I was faulty in some way and just maybe even though every one tried I couldn’t be fixed.
“
What’s bothering you?” I turned my red, sticky head on the pillows so I could look at her face. She smiled sweetly at me then almost instinctually she leant forward and swept the hair that had stuck to my face behind my ears like a mother would do to her child. I wondered if she had any children. It was possible of course she must have been in her mid to late twenties and she would of suited children, she had the mothering role to her.
Esmee’s smile was beautiful even though there was evidence of her bright red lipstick on the edges of her teeth it didn’t matter, Her beauty made the hole within me hurt again, why couldn’t I have her face? but I deserved the scar on mine. I deserved much worse, I would never forgive my self for being the one who lived.
“
I wish I was dead.” I breathed softly more to my self then Esmee. In fact it was so soft I was surprised she heard it but her face was concerned at my wish, she obviously didn’t see my life the way I did. She obviously didn’t see the girl I really was.
“
Why Sweet hart?” Esmee asked
I shifted my weight slightly so I was more sat up and started to play with a lose thread on the blanket. While I tried to keep the tears from arriving into my eyes again. I just wanted the pain to be over.
“
I can’t do it any more.” I sniffed and before I realised the tears had started falling again before I could hastily rub them away; My tears where pointless. “It has hurt for so long.” I said clutching my stomach where it began to ach again. “I can’t remember the last time I was happy. The last time I didn’t have to fake a damn smile.” I squeaked as two more tears rolled down the side of my face but this time I did not bother to wipe them away, more would replace them any way.
“
I mean look where I have ended up. No one has watched me pee or get changed since I was a little girl. Is this what my life has come to?” I shot a desperate glance into Esmee’s face begging her to understand before I said the next bit. “It’s kind of like having a terminal illness. It strips you of everything in the end, and it hurts; It hurts so much. I gripped again at the void in my stomach. “I guess I would rather die with dignity and in one piece. Instead it looks like I will be ashamed, degraded and broken.”
I sighed deeply and rested my head back up against the pillows closing my eyes. I was tired of being so damn tired.
Nightmares
“He said don’t try to scream now but I want this one to hurt
And tonight my pretty one I’m going to get my moneys worth
He said they’ll never listen, he said they’ll never understand
I don’t do this for pleasure
I just do it Cuse I can”
3 doors down
Father’s son
That night sleep finally found me in a natural way with out the use of sedative but with sleep the nightmares also came out to play.
My body went ridged as the little crack of light appeared in the door way from the landing. Not again. As I got older this was happening less and less but tonight it was going to happen, as sure as the sun would rise in the morning. The light had signalled his arrival and there was nothing I could do to stop it now. He had chosen tonight to get his thrill.
I had minutes to get my self into my floating mind, minutes to disassociate from my body and induce the numbness. With out the cover of nothingness and numbness I could not stand what was about to happen, I could not live through it again. I closed my eyes tight, a defence mechanism from my younger days but still I did it any way. If I could not see him, he could not see me. It was stupid but it was all I had and it was better then nothing.
The floor boards creaked in all the right places and I knew after the forth I would feel his arms slipping over my body. His right hand would head up under my pyjama top and the left down into my underwear where he would find what he wanted from me, where he would destroy me from the inside out, where he would make me hurt while he enjoyed it.
One… The first floor board creaked. I willed my soul to float away from my body, for the familiar numbness to come but even though I was now pinching my leg so hard it was only making me more alert to the situation I was in. That wasn’t right. Why wasn’t it working, why could I still feel everything around me?
Two… I felt my breath rise to hysteria and I scratch at the new cuts on my arms to try and get to the distant place where I wanted to be but nothing happened apart from the panic, an all consuming fear
Three… I held my breath and prayed for something to stop him, to make him change his mind.
Four… The hands where on my body searching feverously for the objects he desired and I could feel it all, like my body had never been so alert in its whole life. Every nerve end reacting like it was pulsing with electricity. He found the place he was looking for with his left hand and slipped it inside. With his right hand he grabbed my breast still new and hardly developed but they where there and he liked that. They where still new and pure; something for him to play with, something for him to make dirty.
His whole body was on top of mine now weaving it’s self to every contour it found. I pushed away at him with my hands but it’s like I was trying to budge an air craft carrier he did not even feel my resistance. He did not here my frantic breathing. He could not feel my fear. Either that or he just didn’t care
He kissed my mouth as I struggle more and now I’m screaming as his body became interlocked with mine causing the searing pain to rip up through me and we where falling clasped together into the nothing, into the all engulfing blackness.
Just a dream
My eyes opened and I shot up in my bed like a bullet. My breathing was hysterical and terrified. A cold sweat covered my body and I was screaming. My arms and legs thrashed about like I was a fish out of water as I searched around and fort at the invisible violator.
“
Mi, Mi calm down.” I heard someone in the distance “Mi, Mi it was just I dream. You’re in the hospital and no one can hurt you.”
I let my body relaxed but kept my self alert still waiting for the attack, but it never came. I looked around my surroundings and sure enough I was in the hospital, the same bright colour curtains, the same anti-septic smell and the same low glow of the bed side light. I restrained my breathing and tried to steady my hands for now the dream was over. For now the monster was gone.
“
It was only a nightmare Mi. Your dreams can’t hurt you.” I slowly eased my body back onto the pillows and relaxed a little my face looking over at the face I had began to welcome into my life; the only man who had an idea, Emmet. I smiled a little smile at him and he smiled back before resting his hand onto my bed, palm upright ready for me to hold if I wanted to.
“
My oh my Mi are you trying to wake up the entire ward?” A nurse said suddenly appearing around the curtains dragging her observation monitors with her. I looked embarrassed and looked away. I guessed the screaming wasn’t localized to the dream.
“
Just a bad dream, she couldn’t help it.” Emmet responded once again saving me from a sticky situation. I tried to shake off the image of him being my super man it wasn’t a good thing to ever trust any one. No one was a super hero and even if thy where it meant nothing. They all had there weaknesses. Even superman was brought to his knees by kryptonite.
I held out my arm obediently and gave the nurse one of my fingers. The blood pressure cuff groaned into life and the rhythmic fast pace off my pales caused low monophonic beeps to echo around the ward.
“
Your pulse is racing a bit.” She comented unclipping the various bits and pieces after her checks where done “but I expect that is just the nightmare.” With that she turned and left dragging the machine behind her, the swishing of the curtains made me shiver even though the ward was hot.
“
Are you cold?” Emmet asked concerned. Seriously this man never missed a trick.
“
No I’m fine.” I answered but I snuggled my self up into the blanket any way. It felt good to be wrapped up after a dream like that even if the ward was stuffy and hot. I lifted the top end of my bed into a seating position and rested my head into the pillows and closed my eyes but opened them again quickly as foggy visions of the dream intruded. I swallowed yet more tears. I thought I would have no more left to cry by now.
“
You can sleep Mi. I am right here. I am not going to leave your side. You are perfectly safe.”
“
I know.” I squeaked. I took a deep breath to control my self before I continued. “But they scare me. They are so horrible and they are not strictly just dreams, not always anyway.”
“
Would you like to talk about them?” Emmet asked gently searching my face for answers that he would not find.
“
Yeah,” I grimaced, chewing madly on my bottom lip to stop the flood gates from opening. “More then anything in the world, but I can’t. I really can’t.” I breathed out a huge breath and closed my eyes. I hated every secret I kept, why couldn’t I just spit it out.
Suddenly I felt a gentle hand on top of mine and I opened my eyes surprised by the touch. Emmet had now took it upon him self to hold on to my hand if I was too stubborn to hold his. I let my eye lids drop again; the contact felt good.
“I’m here when you are ready Mi. Until then I will do what ever I can to help you know you are Safe now.”
Apparently I’m a food type.
The day after a chubby male Doctor by the name of Hastings announced that I could go home. What he meant of course was an ambulance was going to take me back to apple gate where I had an assessment with Doctor Jordan. I had now been in the care of Apple gate house for a whole 4 days; it felt like 4 damn years.
As the ambulance pulled to a stop outside of Apple gate I sighed, I didn’t want to be back here and I didn’t want an assessment with doctor Jordan. If he had any compassion he would not have put me here in the first place. If he had any compassion he would not try to save me from my self.
Jean had been on my observations when I was told I was aloud to go so she had been the one to ride back in the ambulance with me.
“
Out you get my pork chop.” She laughed in a jolly manner as she jumped down the big step from the ambulance to the pavement below helped by the paramedic; she then turned around and held her hand out for me. “Big step marshmallow.” (Jean liked to call people by the names of food.) I took hold of Jeans arm and she helped me down. My legs stung and as the hit the tarmac even though they where still bandaged.
Limping slightly I thanked the paramedic (for what I wasn’t sure, taking me back to my glorified prison.) and made my way back to Apple gates big front door. Jean used her card key and let us both in with a smile and a shhh like I was walking into a den of sleeping lions.
“
The rest are in there groups at the moment, mostly art therapy I think. We don’t want disturb them. Suzanne, The art therapist is very funny about it.” Jean added the last bit in a hushed giggle. I gave her a smile back. I didn’t want to but it seemed polite
“
You will probably be joining them soon, which will be better for you then just hanging around.” Jean added and I gulped hanging around seemed like a much better idea to me.
“
Come on then pork pie, he’s just through here in his office.” As we started to approach the door the panicked fluttering began in my stomach. I felt like a condemned woman. He would decide my life now and all the things I did weather I liked it or not.
The plan
Dr Jordan’s office was big, bigger then any of the rooms for the clients; probably even bigger then the clients living room. It was a plain cream colour with a very grand massive pine desk sitting in the middle in pride of place. At the other end was three small blue chairs, and numerous book shelf’s lined the wall from floor to ceiling. Of course I suspected that all the books where there for show as none of them looked like they had be read. There was a wall of achievement with a load of certificates with his name written on in an elegant scroll each one adding another group of letters to the end of his name. Each one making him better at something then I was; each one making me small and stupid and totally insignificant. Each one reducing me to nothing at all and to him I wasn’t, just a game to play.
“
Welcome back Mi. would you like to come and take a seat?” Dr Jordan asked showing me over to one of the blue chairs away from the main desk and the formal chair that sat on the opposite side. “We should be all right in here Jean my love. I will give you an up date when Mi and I are done.”
“
Ok Nick, You know where we are.” Jean said eyeing me with suspicion but left any way.
I took a seat on the very edge of the blue chair and glanced over the fancy framed certificates that intimidated me so it was stupid really. I new like everything else paper was delicate. It could all go up in smoke with the strike of a match.
“
I heard you have been back in the hospital again Mi. would you like to tell me what you did?”
“
You know. Don’t patronize me.”
“
Fair enough, you cut your legs with a razor that wasn’t handed in. You realize you where braking the rules but you did it any way. You don’t seem to me to be the rebellious type, so why did you do it?”
What did he think I was? What did he think cutting was? Did he really think I cut into my own skin all of the time because no one ever told me it was bad to do such things. I all ready new what I was doing was bad, it was dark and it was strange but that didn’t mean I could just stop it. Because it was written on a piece of paper in a booklet that it was against the rules didn‘t mean it became any less of a need. He of all people should understand that. His darkness like mine was written all over his arms too.
“
I had to. I hate this. What you sent me to. You said I would get better. I have never felt worse.”
“
I never said it would be easy Mi. Just that you needed more help at the moment and apple gate could provide it.”
“
I don’t want to be here.” I said defensively and sternly twisting my fingers. Apple gate house had reduced me to less then nothing. At least when I was outside of the confines’ I was free.
“
I think I made the right choice.” Dr Jordan disagreed shaking his head. “By your behaviour over the weekend you have proven that you need are help.”
My Face went ridged with rage now, how dare he use that against me. I was Ok until he looked me up in here .Yes I self harmed and I was depressed most of the time but I never cried in front of people or pressed my problems onto them. I was polite and I was kind and I had good grades in all of my school work. I was expected all A’s in my GCSE’s and I baby sat for Annie and Paul all of the time. In any ones book I was the model teenager. I didn’t party and I did not get drunk. I barley even talked and I always tried to say please and thank you so how was that bad behaviour? So what if I was unhappy? So what if I skipped meals some of the time? So what If I chose to die? Who was I hurting apart from my self?
“
What did I do wrong exactly!” I spat once I controlled my anger enough to talk with out growling at the same time. “I cut my self not anyone else. I am the unhappy one but I would always push my problems away to support someone else. I tried my best! What more can I do? Apart from sacrifice my self for the greater good but you would call that wrong too!” I shouted loudly the effort causing me to breath deeply hurting my ribs.
“
Mi,” Dr Jordan said as calm as ever, “you have done nothing wrong. Being here is not meant to be a punishment but somewhere for you to heal. You are ill just as ill as any one with a physical problem. The fact that you think your death would be a sacrifice for the greater good just proves this to me further. You need are help.” Dr Jordan said before getting up and going to his desk and picking out a big file with Mia Dorado care plan written on the side. “Are you happy with the way things are, with the way you are feeling? Do you think it is right for you to have to write your feelings on you skin. It’s not right or fair for you to be so unhappy that you want to kill your self. I take it you want to get better Mi. I take it that is what you hope for.”
“
I’m not so sure any more.” I mumbled playing with my fingers again the kindled flame of hot anger I had felt going out inside of me. My anger was wasted on him.
“
Admittedly that makes things a bit harder for us all but that doesn’t mean we will stop trying.” At that Dr Jordan leant forward on his chair and opened the folder so we could both see the pages inside. “So here is what I have planed for you Mi.”
I glanced over the pages but as expected my suicide wasn
’t a part of the plan. I sighed.
School
One of the only good things Dr Jordan did was put me back down to green level observations. This on the main part apparently was to make it easier for me to go to school No not even the insane get away from the damn GCSE’s.
The school was a little out building on the unit grounds. Here I would be spending 3 hours every morning in a make shift school with the teachers Bev and Aaron From the hours of 9-12. Of course that came after breakfast which I was still being forced to eat. joy.
So of course after I was forced to drink down the chocolate flavoured glue much to the protest of Sophie I was escorted over the school a hole 20 minutes late by a pissed off crystal. She didn’t appreciate having to go to any extra effort, especially when it came to me.
“
Hay Mi.” Bev said spotting me at the door. She smiled with open arms as she approached me and it looked like she was about to hug me instead she stopped short of me and held out her hand and gave me a limp handshake, which I returned.
“
It’s lovely to see you here.” Bev said leading me further into the class room completely ignoring Crystal who turned to leave with a huff.
The class room was a small mobile thing like you would have in a proper school when the main building was under construction. There where various pieces of work around the walls and a big white board at one end. There was also a teacher’s desk and six desks for the students which seated two students/clients each. One of these desks was occupied by a very old wheezing computer who tried to comprehend what was being asked of it. Three others where occupied by students that where now staring at me intently. It was these alive class mates I had the problem with. I felt my cheeks going red and the nausea take over my stomach as they looked at me like I had just turned up to class with no trousers on. My body stiffened as I thought about making a run for the door but as I tried to turn to run Bev put her hand on my shoulder and pointed to the desk at the back.
“
Why don’t you go and take a seat at the back with Jack. You are working on the same thing.” Jacks hands clenched on the desk and he hunched over the desk muttering something to him self about not liking the little new strange girl. Great someone else I instantly offended.
Not a great success
“
Honest I work better on my own.” I said refusing to move any further then I all ready had even though Bev kept the pressure up on my shoulder to keep walking. “I don’t need help. I can do the work. If you phone up my old school they will tell you I have started this and done really well. I got an A” I said trying to sound confident at the same time as not trying to hurl Ensure all over the floor.
“
Nonsense, I know you can do the work Mi. It is good to work in a team and Jack wont bite.” I of course was not as confident about her assessment of Jack not biting or even if he wasn’t hungry it looked like he might wet him self if I walked any closer to his desk. A least the feeling of fear was neutral. It also did not help that I was also sure I heard the red haired girl that was sitting nearest to me mutter “much” in response to Bev telling me he wouldn’t bite.
“
Go on now Mi we will have none of this.” Bev said feeling my resistance to move any closer, at this I saw Aaron look up from the blond haired girl he was helping, and look at me. So did the rest of the clients in the class. My cheeks once again flushed a brilliant shade of red. And I started to back towards the door of the room. Aaron now advanced towards me and my head began to swim, all I could hear was my frantic breathing and the sound of the legs of Jacks chair banging against the floor as he rocked. His mumbling was getting louder and he had his hands over his ears. The red haired girl laughed darkly. I wanted to punch her.
“
Now, now Jack it’s time to calm down.” Bev finally said slipping out from behind me going over to Jack, realising he was about to completely lose it. What she didn’t realise was she left the door of the class room unblocked.
Freedom.
Bolt
I knew what I was about to do was completely stupid and I would get no where apart from banged up in the ECA for the rest of my life probably but there it was in front of me; A completely un-guarded unlocked door to the out side world. It felt like ages since I had seen one and before I could stop my self I had bolted.
The heat hit me when I ran out side but I was running so fast I caused my own breeze around me. It made me push on faster. My legs stung with every thump up against the tarmac my legs still not recovered from my recant new wounds but I had to keep going. There had to be a way out of the grounds of the unit, just a tiny hole in the fence would be enough, Just something to get a leg up on, Just anything.
Of course then the alarms started; not the low beeping of a wrist band alarm but the screeching howling siring that I had heard when I was working home from school before. This was the big boy’s alarm. This means I had got in to deep. This means I was in no end of trouble. I thought about Arabella locked in the ECA and saw my self take her place. I ran faster. That could no happen to me. I had to get away.
I reached the front gate and lurched around franticly for somewhere I could get out. For some divine inspiration for the dam code to hit me so I could key it into the pad that was taunting me. Of course I had no luck so took off running again to the right a mixture of panic and pain, making all my muscles cramp up. I could now here people yelling my name from around the building and shouting about there various postings around the primate of the fence. I felt like a murder running from prison. I was out numbered and I was surrounded. I had no chance but I had to keep on running. I had to try, I had got so far to turn around.
My stomach flipped over and over again as I picked the pace up dragging my good hand over the links of the metal fence trying to find a bloody exit there was none and I started to cry in a mixture of sadness, anger and desperation. I begged with a god I didn’t believe in for there to be a gap but there wasn’t one and to make matters worse the palm of my hand caught on a lose piece of wire and a searing pain ripped up it. I gasped.
I shot a little look down at my hand knowing it was bad and I wasn’t going to like what I saw but I did it any way and there it was. A deep red pumped out of the jagged laceration on the palm of my hand where the flesh inside could be seen. The blood ran to the floor like some one had turned on a tap. This was too much for my stomach as it lurched out one final objection and I fell to my knees violently vomiting on top the grass, and my top, and my hair and anything else that got to near.
It was then I become aware of the foot steps behind me and the puffing and panting of someone that wasn’t me and eventually the woman’s feet that stopped beside me. Oh shit.
Captured
“
Wow dear me you can run fast. You should be an athlete.”
“
Esmee,” I retched kind of relived it was her and not Crystal as I had feared, before bringing up more of what looked like the Ensure barley missing her shoes as she jumped out of the way just in time.
“
Oh dear me,” Esmee said gently the humour going out of her voice as she went down on her knees next to me and scoped back my hair tying it back with a rubber band she had around her wrist before she wrapped her arm over my shoulder.
“
Esmee, Are you all right?” Another voice called from in the distance.
“
Yeah it’s all right Andrea I’ve got her. You can tell the others.” Esmee called back over her shoulder while trying to shield my ear that she shouted by with one of her hands. It didn’t work she was still scarily loud for such a little lady.
I vomited aging this time hitting her shoe by mistake. Esmee didn’t even flinch at the bile that was now covering her trainers, instead she rubbed the side of my shoulder a little faster; a wordless comfort that I didn’t deserve.
“
Do you need a hand?” Andrea yelled back, she sounded a little closer now though.
“
No it’s Ok I can manage. Mi’s just a bit sick at the moment but she will be all right soon. Can you open the clinic for me though? I just want to give her the once over, tell Nick we have her too, he might want to see her. Or at least reconsider her observations.”
My heart sank and my stomach gave an involuntary contribution of more bile into the mess that was all ready on the floor As Esmee mentioned my observations. I had just got off high end observations and I had no desire to return to them.
“
All right honey, take it easy, big breaths.” Esmee encouraged gently in a motherly tone. Even though my eyes poured and my nose ran still I could not stop, over and over I retched sometimes being sick sometimes just pulling the muscles in my stomach until they screamed in agony. Esmee all the time kept up her motherly roll of comfort giver until eventually the nausea subsided and I collapsed into a heap on the floor to week to move. A useless Ucky mess
Trapped again
The tears came then, I begged them not to but I couldn’t stop them. I had ruined every thing. I had just got off the most embarrassing observations in the world and now I was most probably domed to spend the rest of my life on them. I had made a complete twat of my self in front of the majority of the rest of the patients and I frightened poor old Jack half to death. I wished the ground would swallow me where I lied but as that was unlikely to happen I wound my self into a tight ball instead making my self as small as I could possibly become. Hoping if I was very lucky I might vanish from Esmee’s sight too.
“
Can I have a look?” Esmee asked me gently reaching out to take my sliced hand. I noticed she didn’t have gloves on but I suppose that didn’t matter as a particular violent bout of sickness had covered her hand, shoe and maybe even her arm previously any way
“
This isn’t too bad.” She comforted in a musical voice “It looks worse then it is because it is you’re had and they always bleed a lot we can either take you across to the hospital or I could probably stitch it here if you wanted me to. It’s your choice but I have to add it has been a while since I have done any general nursing things. I am qualified on paper but that is about as far as it goes.” Esmee said smiling warmly at me.
I stopped the convulsions of my violent sobbing to put across my apperception that I would not have to go back to the A&E again. I had spent far too much time there recently. Any one who could save me from that was nothing short of an angel. I wouldn’t care if she was not qualified and intended to stitch me up with Dental floss.
“
Could we get you up then Mi, get you into the clinic so I can make a start on them?” It was a genuine question not a demeaned as I expected it to be. As it would have been if it where Crystal. I was completely sure that Esmee would of let me remained in my sobbing ball if I told her I couldn’t manage it, I was sure of that but as it was I stumbled to my feet and agreed to accompany Esmee back into the building. I always knew such an ill thought out escape plan would end this way but as Esmee swiped her key card and the front doors buzzed open to let us in I couldn’t help feeling a new wave of panic, a new onset of nausea. A new deep dreading because as the locks clicked into place behind us it was like becoming trapped all over again.
Falling apart can be inconvenient
The Clinic was hot and stuffy and smelt strongly of anti septic, my fragile stomach didn’t like it and gave a jolt in warning that it ruled me and wouldn’t take much more, I swallowed hard and tried not to think of it. Esmee on the other hand had me covered.
“
Here you go.” She said handing me a cardboard dish “you look a little green.” She added lightly, gently messing up my hair before going over to the big cupboards unlocking them one by one taking out the bit’s and pieces she needed.
“
I’m not sure why they think we need quite so many space blankets.” She said jokingly to me pulling out a whole tray of them. “I don’t think we have ever used one. Clients here tend not to get up to many mountains and If they run away we seem to retrieve them before they get to Kilimanjaro.” Esmee smiled reassuring me she was only joking before She pushed the tray back in and continued her search in the next cupboard.
“
Suture kits on the other hand,” she continued “We don’t have so many of.”
I looked at my feet and didn
’t answer. Was this her telling me I was going to have to go the A&E after all? I prayed that she would find one or by some magical force the wound on my hand would close on its own. I bit my lip.
“
Ah ha,” Esmee suddenly shouted causing me to jump almost completely off of the bench I was sat on, I had started to drift off into my own protective world and she had brought me back with a bump. I unattached my teeth from around my bottom lip and licked them quickly to remove the blood that I new must have gathered there. My stomach gave another jolt in warning as the salty metallic taste lingered on my tongue. Blood really did not taste good.
“
We are in luck Mi.” Esmee said coming over to the nurse’s desk her arms full of all the things she would need. Washing her hands before, she put on her rubber gloves and a green plastic apron before she started to wash out the wound. The anti-septic solution stung more then I thought it would and I took in a sharp intake of breath through my teeth. Esmee stopped for a second and looked at me concerned before carrying on.
“
I’m sorry it stings,” Esmee said still concentrating “but I need to make sure it is clean before I close it.”
“
No, its ok, more cold then stinging,” I lied looking down at my feet so my face didn’t give the game away. Esmee shouldn’t have to feel sorry for me when what I had done was my fault. Her deep compassion should have been reserved for someone who truly deserved it.
“
You’re a bad liar Mi.” Esmee chuckled softly as she prepared the local anaesthetic to numb the wound. “I’m glad about that; it sometimes helps to be able to read the clients like an open book.It means we can help them more.”
“
I feel like the staffs pet,” I mumbled. I did not want to be read and neither did I deserve to be As for them helping me more, I just didn’t want the help. I wanted them to let me go.
Esmee stopped what she was doing mid flow and looked at me intently. I braced my self for her onslaught and even though it was stupid, physical violence. I had been in this situation to many times with my mother not to be prepared but as I thought about curling into a ball to protect my self Esmee looked away and went back to drawing the anaesthetic from a tiny bottle making me feel instantly stupid for my decision it was becoming obvious that Esmee wouldn’t even hurt an ant intentionally.
“
That’s sad.” She said not looking at me “I don’t want to make you feel like that. I want to help you, and every one that’s here. I’m sorry. I really am.” I instantly felt the regret flood through my body for my last remark, there was true pain in Esmee’s voice as she gave her heart felt Apology to me. Why out of all of them did I have to open my mouth in front of her? One of the kindest people I had ever met especially after all the shit I put her through. I bit my bottom lip hard till I could taste the blood again ignoring my tummy’s protest. It wasn’t enough to stop my loathing; it was not enough to punish me. My eyes filled with tears and the vomit crept up my throat. I tried to take deep breaths to calm me, now was not a good time to fall apart. I had to stay together but the room began to spin any way. I bit harder on my lip, but my breathing accelerated into panic. This finally caught Esmee’s attention and once again she stopped what she was doing.
Forgetting how to breathe.
“
What’s the matter honey?” Esmee asked her voice showing nothing but concern. This made it worse and my back arched uncomfortably at the internal pain. Still at the moment I did not let the tears come out of my brimming eyes, I had noting to cry about. Stupid bitch.
“
Mi honey, are you in pain, where’s it hurting?” I swallowed the vomit back down with a gulp and gripped the side of the doctor’s bench to stop my hands shaking. I wanted to tell her I was fine and not to worry but I knew if I opened my mouth I would scream, vomit or cry, so instead I shock my head viciously.
Sighing slightly and my pointless attempt at lying Esmee come over to me and took a seat up on the doctor’s. I held my breath to try and calm my breathing. I had to get through this on my own I had to pull my self together. I had to for once in my life just be normal.
“
Breath Mi.” Esmee said firmly now next to me. I refused and kept holding my breath. My lugs felt like they where about to explode but that felt Ok. Not breathing was the kind of pain I deserved, the room began to go fuzzy and stars started to explode over my vision, but still I refused to sarcoma to the most basic human need. I did not deserve to breath. I deserved nothing but pain.
“
Mia Breath.” Esmee said again raising her voice now until it was uncharacteristically stern. She also pinched my arm, hard.
It of course all then happened at once. My body was shocked into breathing and my lugs gratefully sucked in all the air they could get in on one breath. My body violently shook and my stomach flipped one final time. I grabbed the bowl I was given before and was violently sick, again half missing the bowl as the vomit hit my lap and the floor. The tears now come as well to make it worse. I had no idea what to concentrate on first and this in turn made me panic more. Esmee on the other hand had a better idea.
“
All right…All right.” Esmee soothed pulling my hair back off of my sticky face and once again tied it up with her trusted elastic band. I was beginning to wonder if that was the only reason she carried it around with her. My upper body shock violently as I tried to grip the new bowl Esmee had given me and with out time to compose my self I vomited again at least this time I was a better aim.
“
Oh dear…It’s all right sweet heart.” Esmee continued to sooth, a constant stream of reassurance said in her singing voice. I didn’t deserve it.
Esmee then handed me another bowl but my stomach had given up trying to bring anything else up and excepted it was at last empty enough. I put the bowl over the side of me but continued to stay hunched over, I felt better this way.
“
Come on sit up a bit for me.” Esmee said now, gently pulling my body up to a more up right position, I had no choice but to comply with her. I had no more fight left in me. I was her puppet on a string. She could pull me any way she wished.
Esmee was on her feet again now digging through another overcrowded cupboard. I closed my eyes and lent forward again. The same deprived feeling in my lungs. I suddenly realised I had stopped breathing again and chocked in my haste to do so. How the hell had I got like this. How the hell had I become so fucked up?
“
Come on Mi sit up.” Esmee said again lifting my heavy upper body, it took all my effort to stop my head dropping back forward like a newborns.
“
Here you go.” Esmee said trying to pull an oxygen mask over my face. I shock it off. I deserved this pain, this panic. I deserved not to breath. Oxygen was a luxury I could do with out. A luxury I could seldom afford
“
No, no, no.” Esmee muttered persistently trying to put the elastic over my head again. “Come on Mi it will help, just for a little while.”
To week to struggle any more I accepted the oxygen and breathed in deeply. It did make me feel better and my head stopped spinning so much but that in turn made it worse. I didn’t deserve to feel better, however exhausted I closed my eyes and leant back against the cold harsh walls. Esmee then put her arm around me and sat up close to my side gesturing for me to rest my head on her shoulder if I wanted to. Grateful for the contact I shifted a little closer and took her up on her offer, glad the world still had people like her in it.
Fears aren’t rational
“
How are you feeling?” Esmee asked gently a little while later gripping my arm softly. I had drifted into a conscious sleep with my head on her shoulder. Bless her she didn’t shake me off as most would have done. I was aware of where I was and what had happened but it was a strange peaceful state it was like sleep in so many ways that Esmee kind of woke me up.
“
Better thanks.” I said softly hastily taking my head off of her shoulder now able to support it my self. Esmee slowly got to her feet her eyes on me.
“
Do you want to keep the oxygen for a bit longer or are you feeling you can do without it now.” I had forgotten about the mask over my face but now it was brought up I became acutely aware of it. I pulled it off of my face quickly and held it out for Esmee. My lugs not quite used to the normal oxygen around me reacted badly and forced me to cough.
“
Are you sure?” Esmee asked eyeing me suspiciously as I coughed again. After all the vomiting this hurt more then normal and I winced painfully cradling my ribs.
“
I’m fine.” I was able to say after a bit more coughing and Esmee reluctantly took the oxygen off of me.
“
Can I stitch you up now?” Esmee finally asked glancing towards my hand. It took me a while to work out what she was on about then remembered the cut on my hand the fence had caused. I looked at it and winced it was a nasty looking wound.
“
Go for it.” I said looking down at my feet. Esmee gathered up her supplies and started working on the wound. I had to bit my lip and she stuck the needle into the wound to numb the area. This bit hurt more then I care to remember.
“
Is there something you want to talk about?” Esmee enquired casually as she pulled the thread through my palm still concentrating intently on the wound
“
I’m sorry.” Was all I could think of saying. I hated all the trouble I had caused, especially to her. If it was crystal the evil in me would of secretly enjoyed it but with Esmee it cause nothing more the regret. She didn’t deserve to have to put up with me.
“
I don’t need your apologies Mi; I just wish you would tell us what was wrong. What happened at school? Did someone say something? Did someone pick on you?”
“
It was my fault. It was stupid. No one said anything it was just a lot to take in and I guess I just got scared.”
“
And you had to run away?” Esmee questioned tying a knot in one of the stitches I felt my skin pull uncomfortably on my hand. My body stiffened slightly It was a horrible feeling. I nodded once to answer her question.
“That seems like a reasonable
reaction. I run away when I am scared too.”
I looked at Esmee shocked, this wasn’t the answer I was expecting. I was expecting to be told off, to be told I was stupid. After all I felt stupid for what I had done. All I had to do was go and sit next to Jack and I completely lost it. My mind kept screaming the words you stupid idiot at me.
“
It was stupid.” I said exhaling in a sigh. I looked away from her working and back at my feet. If Esmee did run away I am sure it was for much bigger and scarier things then I did.
“
Why do you think that? I think it’s a normal reaction, to run from something you are scared of. You never heard of flight or fight? Honestly most chose flight in reality.”
“
It’s so irrational though.” I huffed now fuming at my self again. Stupid, stupid idiot!
“
So is the fear of spiders Mi. But there are thousands of people in the UK that run away from them.” Esmee smiled putting down her tools admiring the four neatly placed stitches on my hand.
I wish I was the spider
“
Ewwwwww!” I heard my mother scream from the living room below me. “Kill it kill it!” Assuming she wasn’t on about Brian her new boy friend and shiny new toy who I wouldn’t really mind if she murdered I thought I should go and see what the object of her rage was this time. It could have been something small and insignificant. She could also mean Arabella, not so insignificant.
I sprang lightly to the balls of my feet. I was weak from not eating for so long but my new slimmer figure seemed more agile, more cat like, and I liked it. I liked to show off my new manoeuvrability how light I now was.
Running down the stares I arrived to see my mother standing on the arm of are old worn out sofa with the Argos book posed ready in her hand ready for the attack. I had to suppress a laugh. She looked like the woman out of the Tom and Jerry cartoons.
“
What’s the matter mum” I asked, not really caring but asking because I knew she had spotted me.
“
Spider,” She yelled “Big bloody hairy thing” she squealed pointing at the floor. “Ewwww! Kill it Mia, Kill it!” She shouted again thrashing the Argos book around her at some invisible intruder. It might have worked if the spider was seven foot tall and not seven millimetres.
I giggled to my self and walked across the floor and scooped the spider up in my hands. Mum grimaced and I had to resist the urge not to throw the spider into her face. If it wouldn’t result in the injury or death of the spider or my beating I probably would of.
“
You freak Mia!” Mum yelled trying to take a swipe at me with the Argos book, I dodged her attack. I was good at this now and continued out of the room and to the back garden the spider was very still in my hand I hoped he wasn’t all ready dead.
“
Sorry about that little man.” I said whispering to my cupped hands as I sat on a ledge out in the garden. “I don’t think you’re all that scary. Not as scary as her and Brian any way I whispered again. I then felt light scurrying in the palms of my hands signalling he felt the same way and was very eager to leave this hell hole. “Go on then.” I said unfolding my hand so it was straight. The spider quickly jumped into action and ran across the ground and into a hole somewhere. “Good for you.” I added with a little sad sigh to my self. “I wish I could runaway too.”
Better behaviour, on the mend and other theory’s
I was awaken again by the small strip of light that shined in my window and danced across my face at approximately 6 thirty to 7thirty in the morning. I was used to this awakening now because an uneventful week had passed since Esmee had to stitch up my hand. There where many theory’s as to what had happened to change me into this rule obeying calm and collected model client of the Unit and they where all interesting to behold, If not all a little crazy.
Crystal’s assumption along with Bev the teachers and some of the other nurses I didn’t particularly care for was I had been testing the water, bending the rules to see how strict the punishment’s would be and I had just learned that I wasn’t going to get away with it so I just learnt to behave.
“
It’s not an uncommon pattern of behaviour” I had heard crystal say as a side remake to Jacob two days ago as she shot filthy looks at me across the table as I obediently Ate every damn bit of shepherds pie and pees that was placed in front of me. “Especially with are more attention seeking patients” Crystal continued to Jacob who nodded in agreement. “They soon learn that we won’t tolerate any nonsense from them and we won’t supply them with the Attention that they want, then they learn how to behave. I mean look at her she hasn’t got an eating disorder now has she, and…” Her comments where cut off as Edward the nursing assistant doing dinner obs with me cleared his throat loudly and glared at her across the table stopping her conversation dead.
Others preferred the miraculous recovery theory, that some how just over a week in apple gate had cured me of any Mental illness I may have had or had ever suffered. Apparently I now looked well.
“
She’s got the colour back in her cheeks.” I heard Libby discuses with Ingrid in the nurse’s station one night as I lay awake in bed as the sweltering heat prevented sleep. “I mean she’s eating better and she seems so much happier.” Ingrid chirped. “The transformation is just incredible Libby from the girl I checked in here just a week ago. I would swear it is a completely different person.
“
Yes.” Libby agreed excitedly “She’s really good for this place, a roll module to the other patients especially young Bella.” at that point I put my headphones in I didn’t want to here any more. If I was the only roll model Bella had she was never going to get any where.
The truth in fact was a lot less divine and not half as sceptical. I was playing them at their own game. I was finding there weakness and seeing how they all ticked. I was working out there alliances. I wasn’t going to be screwed over by them so I got the advantage first. Pure and simply I was bullshiting the hell out of them. I was far from OK.
In fact it had never been worse…
Punching the reflection
Unprompted I gathered together my toiletry things and headed off to the bathroom. The staff liked this. It took them many attempts to wake the other sleepers and my apparent enthusiasm for the morning tasks impressed them deeply.
“
Morning Mi.” Emmet said cheerily from the nurse’s station. My heart raised a little, I was always glad when I saw Emmet was on shift. I flashed him a smile.
“
Am I all right for breakfast Mi?” He asked. This was another thing I had got from good behaviour I was aloud to choose who I wanted to do my observations with me at breakfast times. Emmet all ready knew if he was there I would choose him. That didn’t mean I wouldn’t play tricks on him though.
“
Oh I don’t know Emmet.” I said eyeing him up and down with a serious face. Emmett’s was suddenly very serious to “I don’t know if I could eat the Whole of you. You’re pretty big.” Emmet laughed his glass shattering laugh and the rest of the nurses in the station joined him. I also giggled before rounding the corner into the bathroom.
In the bathroom I let my face drop. It hurt the muscles in my face to smile forced for to long. Here was the last pit stop before breakfast. I hated meal times. This was the dodgiest part of the day when I was trying to be super patient. Here I could very easily stumble and brake.
I followed the same routine every morning with precision. First I would wash and brush my hair tying it up in a tight pony tail so I could concentrate on my make up which was next. This did a pretty good job at covering up may scar which I liked. I liked it not because it made me look any pettier in any way shape or form but because it helped the elusion I was trying to create. It put across the message I wanted to the people who saw it. I was no longer beaten and battered. I was now better. I had no lasting scars. It was bullshit but it worked.
Then I would verse the mirror and the debilitating power of a very angry Sophie. I had gained quite a bit of weight over the last week, sure I made my self sick after meals when it was at all possible but this didn’t really work, and I was getting fatter.
I jabbed my fingers at my love handles in exasperation they had gotten big, bigger then I had ever seen them before. A huge flabby disgusting piece of bad meat that had attached it’s self to my horrendous body. I wanted to get a knife, I wanted to cut them off but instead I punched at them with barley contained anger, Over and over chanting the words fat cow in my head. These love handles where now covered in painful purple black burses from all the punching but that was Ok. It was nothing more then I deserved for becoming so disgusting.
You must try harder Mia. You have got to stop eating. Just refuse they can’t make you eat.” Sophie whispered her velvet voice in my ear. Her perfect thin beautiful figure twisted around mine in the mirror like a snake trying to squeeze it’s pray. Yes Sophie had now become a real physical person who lived in my reflections not just the disembodied voice I was used to. I knew this meant I must have gone insane. Properly insane but I didn’t really care as long as the nurses didn’t find out.
“
They can make me Sophie.” I protested at the reflection.
“
You are weak Mia. So week and so pitiful letting them make you so fat and disgusting. I don’t know why I bother trying to make you pretty and perfect. You eat because you are weak. You don’t need the food. Look at your self you fat cow. You disgust me. You fat pig. No wonder every one hates you.”
I nod at the mirror and have to hold the tears back. I then proceeded to punch harder at my stomach and thighs with toilet paper stuffed into my mouth to stop me screaming out in agony. Any pain I felt I deserved and Sophie agreed.
“
You deserve this fat bitch! You deserve the pain.”
Forecast
I timed leaving the bathroom perfectly. As with all the other things I have planned since the stupid escape effort. There was much effort gone into perfecting the right time. The most impressive to the staff that I found was when they started hammering on the other people doors. Shouting loudly about the lovely day and opening curtains to show their point further. I wondered if they would still do this when it was raining cats and dogs out side?
As always and predictably Emmet was the only member of staff sitting in the nurses station now waiting for me. I applied my fake smile to my face and made small talk with him as we headed down the stares to the dinning room.
“
It nice out side today,” I said as cheerful as possible. The weather was a good topic of conversation. No one ever expected too much of the weather.
“
You are very interested in the weather all of a sudden Mi.” Emmet said chuckling to him self and I instantly retract my steps in my head. Was Emmet suspicious of me? Was he seeing through the tiny cracks that I know must still be there even though I tried very hard to conceal them. I gulped hard and have to rearrange the fear on my face back into a smile.
“
Well it is nice weather.” I snapped in a humours sulky protest; Making my acting spotless.
“
Aughh, you got me there Kido I can’t argue with fact. Maybe you should be a weather girl.” Emmet laughed a little Harder punching me lightly on the shoulder. I laughed back with him covering my consuming fear well. I felt like I dodged a bullet.
I am evil. This proves it
Breakfast didn’t start for another 15 minutes for the clients on the build up menu and not for another 30 for the clients who where not. Apparently it was proven that build up menu clients took longer to finish their food.
Emmet didn’t talk to me for those 15 minutes and that was the way I liked it to be. It gave me time to focus all the energy I was going to need for the task in front of me. Though now I tried to prove other wise eating still didn’t come all that naturally to me. I needed some time to stare absent minded in into space and fight the raging Sophie inside of me.
“
Mia fight this, don’t give in, they want you to be fat and nasty. They want to get rid of me and you know I am your only friend. I am the only one that can save you from the fat greedy monster you have become Mia… They don’t understand you like I do. You don’t need the food Mia. You don’t need any of them. All you need is me.”
Gently Emmet squeezed the top of my leg under the table. This was his own personal brand of silent reassurance and normally it helped to ease my mind, but today he caught me off guard and I yelped as his fingers grasped around the new purple bruises that covered the flabby tops of my legs. My whole body stiffened in a blind panic. I could feel his eyes boring into the side of my face. I gripped the edge of the table to try and steady my self. If I played it right there was still hope I could come out if this one. I just had to pull out super actress Mi again.
“
Mi” Emmet said as softly as he could manage leaning closer to me so he could lower his voice even more. “Have you cut your self?”
The bluntness of the question caught me off guard and my eyes darted up so quickly to look at him in the face I almost landed up head butting him. Even if it killed me I had to stare him down. I had to put pay to his accusations. If not they would want to strip search me. I shuddered to think what would happen if they saw the angry new bruises that raged across my body.
“
Mi, if you have I’m not angry. You have made so much progress it would be foolish to think something wasn’t going to give eventually. I just need to see if you have. Make sure it is clean and there is no infection” Emmet’s voice was so caring; I felt the tears brimming in my eyes. I wanted to stop pretending. I wanted to crumple and cry my heart out. I wanted him to hug me again and tell me it was all going to be Ok but I pushed the feeling away. Feelings were silly. So were my tears. The lie was better for every one.
“
I haven’t. I promise.” I said sternly with all the sincerity I could manage.
“
Are you telling me the truth Mi? I can trust you right?”
No! “I promise I’m not lying. I haven’t hurt my self. You can trust me.”
Emmet smiled warmly at me somehow convinced and I somehow managed to find a way to smile back. Some how I had managed to reach a new low. I had discovered a new evil deep within me. How could I lie so brutally to some one who showed me nothing but compassion?
At that moment I realised how discussing I really was, and found out Sophie was being kind.
Down will come Bella, Mia and all.
About 10 minutes later a crabby faced Bella entered the dining room with Andrea attached to her side. Bella didn’t look happy and this unsettled me. Bella was always chirpy even when faced with her mortal Enemy, food.
“
Right then campers,” Andrea said in a jolly voice her Scottish accent ringing through. “Who’s having the caviar for breakfast?” I knew when I was meant to laugh at any joke and I knew how to force one even when I was feeling this bad. Bella on the other just sat and stared down the joke like a ten ton weight. I gripped the table tighter. With out Bella’s composure in the face of food, I was losing mine. She was normally my strong point
“
You’re doing well,” Emmet said softly detaching my fingers from the round the table edge where they had gone first white and then a delicate shade of blue. I panicked truly thinking with out holding on to something I would fall off of my chair and through cracks to the centre of the earth.
“
Squeeze,” Emmet said again. I gawped at him like he just announced he was going to marry a pink elephant in a tutu. “Squeeze,” He instructed again smiling gently at me and he squeezed my hand as a demonstration. Pleased at the offer to hold on to something I clasped my hand around his with as much force as I could. Emmet smiled.
Andrea placed two bowls of cereal onto the table with a light thud. One in front of me one in front of Bella. I squeezed Emmet’s hand harder. I wanted to run away and hide. I didn’t want to eat but I new I was going to have to if I wanted to keep up my lie that everything was OK.
“
Mia, Mia you can’t! You fat cow, your not going to eat that are you? Look at it? Come on count the calories with me. I mean what’s that milk? It must be full fat. Look at the cream.”
I started eating the cereal slowly, chewing each mouth full with precision and intent. I silently gagged on every damn one but I kept going. Bella on the other hand had not even started and she was normally three to four mouth full’s in front of me.
“
Come on Bella, let’s get it down you!” Andrea said to the non-responsive Bella.” I glanced up at her but she did not move from her position or make any effort to pick up her spoon and start on the monstrous task in front of her. I let mine rest in the bowl for a second it seemed I could not face mine with out the chewing and crunching of my companion.
“
You are doing OK.” Emmet said gripping my leg more gently this time under the table. I picked up my spoon again and started to eat but more slowly. I still watched Bella with one eye.
“
Come on Bella, start on your breakfast please.” Andrea said now more firmly.
“
Fuck off!” Bella shouted swiping at her bowl. It crashed to the floor with an ear splitting clang and the ceramic split in to pieces the milk splashing the bottom of my jeans.
“
Bella!” Andrea shouted her cheery voice completely gone almost all trace of her accent despaired to. Emmet was also on his feet next to me making him self to his tallest possible ready to intervene.
“
Bella, you need to calm down.” Emmet said going over to Bella’s side of the table.
“
Fuck you!” She screamed again, her face bright red. “You’re all a load of fucking Hitler’s! We don’t conform to your normal and you lock us up and make us!” Bella kicked out at a chair and it went flying across the floor, Barley missing where I was sat. At that Andrea and Emmet both gave each other a meaningful look and simultaneously pushed there alarms before converging upon Bella in a swoop of action grabbing at her flashing limbs
“
No you fucking well don’t” Bella said pulling at the restraints of human arms that now held her tight. “You’re not using me as your fucking puppet on a string! Bella shouted letting out a scream. She sounded like a wild animal. She was terrifying. The same Bella that saved me and was my friend, possessed and the worse thing was this could have been any of us, any one of use could lose their mind at any moment. Any one of us could fall apart and here it was happening. I brought my legs up onto the chair and hugged my knees blinking back the tears as I tried to drown out the screaming in my head.
“
Bella needs ECA.” Emmet shouted breathlessly as he thought to restrain Bella as she pulled away again kicking with her legs and Andrea staggered.
The staff that reacted to the alarm ran in and took there positions around Bella. Bella howled, in frustration, in agony. I knew that scream well I had used it before in my past. It was the scream to end all screams. It was a scream for the end of everything. One to use when nothing else mattered.
Finally the staff had her face down carrying her out of the dinning room as she continued to scream. The only one left now was Emmet who walked slowly back towards the place where I was sitting, by now I was wrapped up In a tight barricade rocking with my hands pressed over my ears trying to block out the screaming.
“
Are you all right sweet heart? That must have been hard to see.” Emmet said rubbing my back sympathetically.
“
Emmet” I whispered breathlessly through my pouring tears “Emmet please, please I can’t do it.”
Breaking the rules because Emmet is no fool.
“
She will be OK.” Emmet said to me gently, pulling up a chair so he could sit opposite me. He placed his chair so close to mine that the edges touched his legs spread over each side so he could get even closer, making each of are body‘s mere millimetres away from each others.
I rocked back and forth on my balls of my feet my shoes tapping on the chair. I gripped at my jeans with frantic hands as well while keeping my face in my knees I was falling apart. My cracks where turning into brakes and there was no way to come back from it. My stupid lies where going to be exposed for all to see and there was nothing I could do to stop it.
“
You’re going to be OK.” Emmet said calmly making his deep voice even deeper as he rubbed the side of my arm gently. It was like he was trying to warm me up from an invisible chill; Like he was trying to hold me together some how. I almost expected him to get out the sticky tape and start patching me up.
“
Emmet. I’m sorry.” I whispered into my legs I was barely controlling the sobbing now. I wanted to cry openly, I wanted to sob my hart out with my head buried into my pillow. Instead I swallowed the tears in uncomfortable gulps. Instead I tried to carry on with the lies. They where what people wanted. They where what made people happy and ultimately they where what would get me out of there in the end.
“
Would you like to come and have a chat with me for a little bit?” Emmet asked stopping me rocking back and forth so much as I was now in danger of rocking off of the chair.
“
If Crystal was here she would string me up Mi but I think you need some time to talk things out. So how about I bunk you off of school today and we head back up to dream and have a chat?” Emmet asked kindly taking both my hands in his and bowing his head so close to mine they touched.
“
No.” I moaned more to my self then Emmet. I still had to keep up the façade that everything was Ok. Even though I was clearly not as perfect as they all thought I was. I had done so well to fall so far though. I wanted the lie to be true so much that even I tried to believe it now however I new I wasn’t Ok and it was taking to much strength that I didn’t have to keep up the game. So if for no other reason then missing the hell that was Unit school, Emmet’s offer was almost to tempting to refuse, though to accept it would admit permanent defeat. So after all of it in the end I settled for trembling and squeaking at my self.
“
Come on Honey. Emmet said making the choice for me as he pulled me off of the chair. It took all my effort to stop me crumpling back down to where I sat my knees somehow unwilling or unable to support my own body weight.
“Not even you can act forever. It’s time to be honest to your self.”
What was Emmet saying? He new I was acting all along? Damn it. I thought I was doing so well too.
Endangered
I could barely walk as Emmet directed me back up to dream and he had to hold on to my arm to steady me. There was an invisible weight somewhere on top of me and it was crushing down with no mercy. It was unrelenting.
As we reached the top of the stairs the screaming could be heard clearly. The desperate sobbing of a caged Bella. My knees buckled as the weight upon me doubled. Emmet caught me around the waist before I had time to hit the floor.
“
She’s OK Mi. Someone is with her and she is being looked after.” I moaned to my self unable to form any coherent speech and Emmet pulled me up the corridor into Dream. I flopped exhausted on to the bed while Emmet took the floor opposite leaning up against the wall trying to arrange his incredibly long legs into the crossed position before letting out a sigh. He seemed so disappointed in me, like he expected so much more. More then I could possibly give
“
I’m sorry. I just can’t seem to stop fucking things up simultaneously. I have all the luck of a goldfish in the desert.” I moaned angry punching the pillow once in furry.
“
Aughh Mi.” Emmet chuckled to him self. “You have such a way with words you can always make me laugh no matter how crappy a day is.”
“
Why can’t I just be perfect?” I moaned to my self more then him. It seemed no matter how much effort I put in I was flawed any way. It had only been a weak and I seemed to me falling threw the gaps in my front.
“
No one’s perfect Mi. It is far too much to ask of your self to be.” Emmet said scrutinizing me carefully as I tried to make the decision weather to attack my pillow again or weather to cry into it.
“
Emmet this place is killing me.” I said the panic rising in my body and the tears forcing there way back into my eyes as unwanted intruders. “Look what I have become. I don’t even know who I am any more or what I am doing or where I am going. I am more of a living shell now then I have ever been.” I whined settling for ignoring the pillow completely and making my self into a ball again. When I was small and in a ball it felt like the emotions couldn’t be so big. That they could only grow to the size of me.
“
It can be hard to live here.” Emmet agreed nodding his head while playing with the pile of the carpet. He did not look at me when he spoke. “We are not trying to make you a nameless patient Mi. Unfortunately we have to protect people and that can sometimes get in the way.”
“
What if they don’t want protecting? What if they just want to let go?” I asked quietly looking at Mr Hop stroking my fingers threw his matted coat. A debilitating twinge of pain overtook me as Arabella’s perfect face intruded into my mind. I had to catch my breath.
“
It would be very sad if the world lost you Mi, The same with every other Client that has tried to kill them self. You all have something to offer. Even if it is as simple as a happy smile, a fantastic way with words, amazing kindness and much, much more. Mi you have so many fantastic quality’s about you. You need to be protected. The world needs people like you in it. That is why people like my self do this job. To make sure the world doesn’t lose the speachel ones.”
“
I’m not speachel and I don’t need protecting.” I growled almost angry at him for even thinking it. Why couldn’t he see how bad I really was?
“
I need to be shot. I am Evil. I hate my self.” I wailed and before I could stop them the tears started flowing down over my cheeks which instantly made my mind turned to self harm with such a sudden intent urge it took all my will power not to smack my head up against the wall. The sad thing was even if I could of landed a decant blow before Emmet flew across the room to stop me that wouldn’t of settled me. I wanted the blood to flow from my body. I needed to be punished. I needed to be torn apart, cut, stabbed, clawed at. I needed the Evil to be released from me. I needed this kind and loving man to see how bad inside I really was.
“
You are one of the most endangered species there is Mi.” Emmet said pulling him self off of the floor so he could come closer to me and sit on the edge of my bed. One of the slats underneath creaked.
“There is only one Mia Dorado in the world. She is unique and speachel even though she does not realize this.” Emmet said taking my hand in his and leaning close into my side. This just caused my tears to rain down faster as with any kindness shown to me his made no sense. Did he see something different then I did when I looked at my self? How could he see someone worth compassion when all I saw was someone who didn’t even deserve the air they breathed?
“
So I am protecting one of the most precious things there is Mi. I am protecting something I believe in. I am protecting you.”
The dragon
I rocked back and forth as gently as I could manage. I didn’t want to alert Emmet to the war raging in side of me. I had never won over an urge this intent with out doing something to my self. From a few tiny scratches to slicing threw my veins. I wasn’t sure Emmet would be up for me doing any of the above though. This urge had come on so suddenly it almost downed me in one go and now I was barley controlling anything.
“
What’s going on for you Mi? What’s happening? “Emmet said gently squeezing my hand as my turmoil become apparent to him. “What’s going on inside your head?” He asked softly he voice swelling with genuine concern.
I looked down at my lap and shook my head trying to put across that I was fine. I wanted to tell him that I was OK but my mouth was so dry I couldn
’t speak. I needed my drug. I was as bad as a heroin addict and I needed my fix and there was nothing I could do to stop my self. I was going cold turkey. I was going to go crazy.
“
What can I do to help you? Talk to me honey. You won’t shock me, but I might be able to help you.” Emmet offered placing his hand on the side of my trembling arm.
I rocked harder now all restrictions braking, His touch once again awakening something. I bounced my legs up and down against the carpet. My breathing becoming unsteady. My mind was screaming now. A seething burning pain ripping threw my head and rippling down over my limbs, like I was being torn apart by hungry animals all desperate to receive their part of me. What was worse was I new what would sooth this burning, what would turn off the electric pulses that tortured my body. What would stop the shaking, what would stop the elastic bands that where being pulled tighter and tighter around my chest. What would silent the screaming in my head. What would send the angry animals running for cover? I also new the answer was unattainable even though it was so easy and near as well. Emmet was blocking my way to it. Like a dragon guarding a princess in a castle. My breathing rose to fever pitch and the pain intensified. I thought that would have been impossible. I thought I would have spitted in two from any more.
“
Emmet” I moaned curling my body up into a tight ball a feeble effort to try and stop my self braking. “Emmet you have got to leave me alone. I moaned biting the skin on the top of my hands as hard as I could. It was a stupid request but worth a try. After all did any of the knights in shining armour ever try reasoning with the dragon?
“
There’s not a chance of that. “ Emmet said pulling my hand away from me so I couldn’t bite them any more. I cried out in frustration jumping to my feet and started pacing up and down the room trying to count but became muddled; I smacked the wall with my hand in frustration.
Emmet jumped to his feet and was on me in seconds holding both of them still to stop me damaging them. The screaming got louder inside my head and so did the searing pain. The electricity swelled in my limbs by a thousand volts and the elastic bands around my chest became so chocking it felt like they where braking my ribs. My knees buckled and I fell to the floor harsh sobs erupting out of my dry mouth the tears fogged my vision. The dragon didn’t want to be reasoned with and now it was torturing me for my efforts. That wouldn’t stop me trying again though. That is all I had left.
“
Emmet I screamed withering in debilitating pain on the carpet. I couldn’t breath. “Emmet. Please….” It took all my effort to try and make my speech eligible but a scream fell from my mouth as the nausea set in. “Emmet please let me! Just give me my razors! Let my punch the fucking wall! I can’t stand this. I need to! It hurts!” I screamed again. Then the dragon used his final tactic to destroy me and held me closer to him in a hug and unthinkably the pain become worse and the need greater. This was going to kill me.
Connor.
I didn’t know weather to grip onto Emmet harder or to scoot so far across the room from him so he was no where near. His warmth and compassion intensified the scalding in my head but I didn’t think I could move away even if I wanted to though. Something in me longed for the contact. Why could nothing be simple? I had no idea how many minutes had passed in this agony. It felt like years.
“
Is everything all right in here Em?” Esmee asked smiling as she entered a little way into the door way of my room. It seemed a stupid question why did she think Emmet was on the floor half hugging half restraining me while I tried to stop crying?
Out the corner of my eye I saw a big broad showered guy behind her with brown ragged looking hair lurk with her as well. He stopped precisely at the boundary of my room, like somehow a big glass wall stopped him from getting any further. He wore jeans that where ripped at the knees and a black hooded top with skulls printed on it. He wasn’t a particularly interesting looking chap but he stared at me with such an intensity it felt like he was trying to send me a message with his eyes. Or kill me on the spot. I wasn’t sure which.
“
You where meant to be doing Connors ambers here 15 minuets ago and he has been with me since wake up this morning as you can see he is very board. Go talk about football or cars or whatever guys talk about.” Esmee giggled her cute little laugh as she walked closer to us before bending down beside of me and placing her hand subtly on my back.
“
What‘s the matter my lovely?” Esmee asked gently. I shock my head, unable to speak.
“
Aww sorry I’m late Connor.” Emmet said to the boy at the door way of my room. “I didn’t mean to be.” Emmet said letting go of me and getting to his feat going over to the boy at the door who smiled at him.
I thought I had been set free. I thought I had won but I should of none better., I had only been handed to a different Dragon as Esmee grabbed hold of both of my hands before I had time to launch any real attack on the cold floor underneath.
“
Esmee. She’s on red. “Emmet said with a sigh from the door way as he was about to leave. Connor winced at the mention of the high observations. I managed to find away to bash my head against the floor. If I was going down I wasn’t going down with out a fight
.No happily ever after
Esmee and Emmet acted immediately in a seamless liquid fashion. It would almost be graceful and talented if I wasn’t the one on the end of the gymnastics.
Emmet had shot around to my back and was now bracing my body against his chest with his iron arms; Esmee was in front of me knelt over my legs. I had effectively been sandwiched between them.
“
All right Mi calm your self down, “Esmee said grabbing hold of my wrists with one of her hands while she gently pressed her hand onto my forehead so it leant back up against Emmet’s chest with the other. It felt strange but I didn’t mind entirely, I would have liked to have rested it back there any way. I had hit my head harder then I had meant to and the world was pooling around me like I was looking at it from under water. Say that it was worth it. My head impacting with the concrete floor had made the electric pulses in my body fade, had made my pain slip away. This was what my body craved and now it had received it I was able to take back marginal control again.
“
I’m sorry.” I moaned softly closing my eyes against the throbbing pain behind them. “I shouldn’t have done that.” Immediately I felt the restraints around me loosen but I only moved enough so Emmet wasn’t supporting all of my weight, there was no where else to go anyway apart from around the perimeter of the room. Like a rat in what people called a humane trap. I think I would have preferred the ones that snapped shut, at least it was quick. Deadly, but quick.
“
Are you in better control Mi?” Esmee asked her dark sparkling eyes fixed on mine searching. They had a mystic power over them. I couldn’t have lied if I wanted to and at that moment why would I? There was nothing to say any way. I had freaked out. I had caused a seen. I calmed down and now I had a head ach for my efforts, story over.
“
I’m OK. “ I said even though the tears built uncomfortably inside of my chest and I had no idea why. There was once a time not so long ago when my tears where locked up so tightly I thought I would never cry them again and now they where here trying to submerge me for no real reason at all.
“
I know it can be hard my love.” Esmee soothed softly as she leant forward and smoothed my scraggy hair behind my ear probably pulling another chunk out too but that was all there was. I would die like this.
“
Emmet why don’t you take Conner off for a bit and I will stay with Mi for a little while we will be OK.” Esmee smiled her warm smile as she looked into my eyes. She meant every word, she really thought I was going to be OK and I wish it where true, but nothing was OK Nothing in me felt remotely OK and I had to catch a tear on the side of my hand as it escaped over my cheek. She had no idea what the monsters of this world felt like. She had never thought the things I had, never felt the pain I felt. If she had she would know there was no coming back from it. No happily ever after in the end.
“
Sure.” Emmet said getting to his feet going over to the door where he clapped Connor on the shoulder asking where he wanted to go. Connor shrugged his shoulders not looking at Emmet but in my general direction still. Why was he so interested in me? Was it really so strange to see someone lose there sanity completely when living in the compounds of these walls?
“
Come on then mate.” Emmet said leading him away from my door. “Let’s go play a game or something.”
“
Is there anything I can do to help Mi? You can talk to me. I know it might be hard. If you have kept your self so locked up for so long it can be bloody hard to find every key to them but maybe I can help you look for them,” Esmee said gently twirling her hair around her finger. This made me smile; Esmee’s hair was one thing I envied about her. My hair used to be a lot like hers stunning, think, long and styled now it was just a thin and lifeless mess. I new bits where falling out as well and any style it used to have had been destroyed. It was just there now, waiting to fall out completely, another thing to make me physically repulsive to look at. Another bit of me to dissolve away into nothing.
“
Your hairs so pretty Esmee.” I complemented before choking up on my own tears. Oh come on was I really going to cry over hair.
“
Thank you.” Esmee said smiling again. “I have seen pictures though Mi yours used to be stunning not so long ago. You can get that back again. It might just take some time.”
I snorted sarcastically at the thought making my face smile even though more tears fell from my disobedient eyes.
“
Oh sweat heart.” Esmee soothed scooting around so she could put her arm around my shoulders but I shrugged her off. Compassion hurt more then any insult could. Compassion was not something I deserved at any time even more so when I was crying over hair. Esmee on the other hand was no put off and put her arm gently around my waist instead.
“
It’s all right to be sad. You don’t have to smile all the time when you are hurting inside. If you feel like crying that’s OK too.”
“
What if I don’t know why Esmee, What if there is absolutely no reason apart from the stupid ach somewhere inside of me. I asked in a growl before putting my face into my hands rubbing my eyes hard as if trying to almost physically shove the tears back in where they belonged.
“
That my lovely is what the experts call depression and guess what. It really hurts. So it’s OK to cry about that and it’s OK to ask for help with that too.”
“
Help with crying?” I questioned from my hands forcing another sarcastic laugh through my fingers. It was such a nurse thing to say.
“
Crying is hard when you’re no longer sure how to do it and like every new thing when it’s very new it can be scary to. I am hoping I can help with these bits.” Esmee said gently before leaning over and wrapping me tightly in her arms and with her touch all my sadness fell from my eyes at once.
We’ve all been hurt before
Esmee soothed me for what felt like forever not perturbed by the amount I actually cried. I also hated the way she was right. Crying was scary. It was unsafe. There was no control over it at all. For once had I started I could not stop the tears from falling. I cried about everything. Some had meaning some where as stupid as the fact I was losing my hair and the sores on my hips hurt but they all felt bad in their own way and all of them together just made it feel like I was falling apart.
“
You’re Ok. You’re safe. This is a good thing to do, and it’s safe nothing will hurt you. “Esmee soothed over and over again when she felt my body tighten with the panic at how venerable I actually was right then. With blood I new how to manage it, you cleaned it up bandaged up and pulled down your sleeves. Forgotten with. This was different. There was no wound to make better, nothing to clean away, all the cuts where inside of me somewhere and I couldn’t get at them to hide them all away.
“
How’s your head?” Esmee finally asked after my crying dulled down and I moved my self out of her arms so I was sitting in front of her. Esmee put her hand out to brush the hair from my fore head so she could take a better look. I looked away as she touched me. Her caring black eyes burned through me to an invisible place that only she had accesses to. To somewhere even I was corded off. I tried to stop her going there as I was worried about what she would find. All my closets where jam packed full of skeletons’ that even I had forgotten about.
“
It’s fine, and I’m sorry.” I mumbled trying to pull my hair back down over my fore head again. Esmee smiled and pulled her hand away going back to try looking through my eyes so I closed mine. I wondered fleetingly if Esmee was actually the basilisk from the Harry potter books.
“
You don’t like eye contact much do you.” Esmee said laughing softly. No because it feels like you may kill me on the spot every time you look into them.
“
Not really, not with you.” Esmee raised her eye bows suspiciously as I peeked out the corner of my right eye.
“
There just stunning. Your just stunning but your eyes are just so intense
It’s like you can walk right through them like open doors.”
“
Well you can be sure that I can’t. I will be honest I kind of wish that I could. There is something inside of you that really needs to be told. Has someone hurt you before Mi?”
“
We have all been hurt Esmee.”
“ Yes, but
that doesn’t make it OK baby. What happened to you?”
“
I can’t OK. I just can’t. Esmee you are lovely and kind and they never where. Yes I have been hurt but every one here has worked that out all ready.” I sighed heavily placing my head into my hands as I felt the tears resurfacing again. “They told me never to tell and I still cant. I am still theirs.”
It can be hard to brake those promise and I‘m not going to force you into it now. You have done well to tell me this much but if in your heart you know what happened to you was wrong then it is Mi and I will always be here for you to talk to. So will Emmet and so will the rest of the staff. Esmee said gently smoothing another strand off sticky hair off of my face and behind my ear and my body stiffened involuntarily.
“
Ok I know this sounds stupid but how’s your urges now? Do you still want to cut? It looks like your poor old brain got the brunt of it.” Esmee said with a smile leaning forward and rubbing my forehead with her thumb.
“
Not really. Well I don‘t think so.” My voice cracked another wave of bitter sadness and confusion surfacing “I don’t know what I want. It’s so hard when you’re cooped up in here and your mind is just racing around and I’m just exhausted as I haven’t been sleeping well and then there’s the pressure of school, and I have to be perfect. I have to show that I am OK all of the damn well time and I just want it to stop!” I shouted more to my self while I gripped at the floor beside me hoping it was enough to hold onto. I had no idea what I was doing or where the words where coming from but they were out of my mouth before I even had time to think of them. “Of course there is nothing to stop it any more, nothing to get it in prospective for me, because some ass decided cutting was bad for me. Then Bella broke, and now I’m not sure whether I am coming or going, or whether I am strong enough to get through any of this. Then I have to try and work out how I am going to get through another meal time and then of course my whole mind turns into one big calorie counter and …. And”
I stopped my ramble noticing how high pitched my voice had come and how completely ridiculous I actually sounded. I sucked in one deep breath and steadied my self before I finished.
“
I guess sometimes. That’s why I cut and OD, not to kill my self, but to stop my self. Sometimes I need the world to stop spinning for just the smallest second just so I can catch up, and when I’m sick.” I draw a sharp breath trying to force my self to say the words. “When I cut my self that’s all there is. There is nothing but the there and then and everything else has stopped. It just gives me a chance to breathe and then everything is all OK until it all becomes to fast again.”
“
I guess we just have to find a better way of slowing you down hay.”
Long night.
Much to my protest I was ambered for the rest of the day. Esmee had sat with me for a long time talking about nothing in particular and after it all she had told me I had done well to get so much off of my chest then in the same breath she declared me unsafe an uped my observations. It was like being kicked in the stomach. When I protested she told me over and over that she was not trying to punish me but as I laid there on top of the covers, I couldn’t think of it in any other way. It was really unnerving having someone watch you. Sitting in your door way like a ghost when you where trying to steal a few hours of sleep before the morning come and hit me again and I had to find the energy I didn’t have to get my self out of bed and into school. It was going to be a long night
Waiting for the braking
Two long weeks passed me by in the monotony of Apple gate house and with them come the darkness. No longer able to pretend everything was all OK I sunk into my ghost like form of nothingness. I woke up I did what I was told (apart from eating) and I went beck to bed. I was awake in a nightmare. I didn’t try to kill my self and I didn’t even try to hurt my self. Not because I wanted to live. Not because I didn’t need to it was simply because I didn’t have the energy. I went to school and I doodled over the pages as my grade slowly slipped from A*’s to B’s to C’s until my last English work came back with a big red D written on it with and the words you can do better then this Mi scrawled In Bev’s messy hand writing. Of course she was right. If I had tried I could of aced it but what was the point? Why did it matter what I did. I had been in here almost a month and there was no sign’s of me leaving. I was also no longer the new one. I had become one of the oldies. A part of the very shabby furniture.
Bella had been moved from courage up a floor to Twilight, (needless to say she was totally impressed by the name.) and a shiny new toy in the form of a girl called Echo had come to reside in Courage also with Echo came another addition to the build up menu with Bella and myself, though in reality she never touched her food. The tube in her nose was used more then any member of staff would of liked. She was a painful reminder that I was treading on thin ice for the number of times I had refused food lately. The worse fact was I didn’t really care. The scales was reviling to me that I was back down to the nice rounded figure of 6 stone from the fat enormous six stone 8lbs I had bloated to of course there was still room for improvement, and Sophie couldn’t agree more. I would not be happy until the scales read below six and then 5 and then …ect
A low but clear knock came upon my bedroom door knocking me out of my day dream I was wrapped up on my bed in my same position as normal. It was half term now so school was out and so were the rest of the groups. Bed times were laxer and the rules, such as no one to be in lounge or room till after lunch on Mondays Tuesdays and Wednesdays where let off too and unless you where on build up, breakfast was when you wanted it. So as far as I know I was aloud to be In my room and I was no longer on any kind of observation bar the basic two hours so needles to say I was surprised by the interruption to my self imposed prison of darkness.
“
come in” I stuttered sitting my self up into a seating position. The familiar dizziness took over my head for a few seconds it had been quite a while since I ate. Possibly three to four days since I last ate anything at all and before that a glass of orange juice was all that sustained me. I didn’t mind this though I liked the dizziness, to me it meant I was getting some where.
To my surprise though through the door came Dr Jordon followed by Esmee then Emmet. I knew the look on their faces all to well. Something was going to happen something terrible so I curled up back into my ball and waited for the braking to begin.
Red cold
Esmee smiled gently to me as she took a seat on the edge of my bed next to my tiny curled up body. She hesitated for a second but finely her caring instincts took over and she placed her hand on my back. I’m glad they took over. This little physical contact I got was the only thing that made me feel better lately and I could tell I was going to need everything I could get to hold my soul together after the they had finished with me.
Doctor Jordan sat down on the floor with his back against the wall and following his lead Emmet sat down too, even if it was with a little less grace. I curled up a little bit tighter and even though it was unnoticeable edged a tiny bit closer to Esmee. Esmee was my safe person. She was always there and she always treated me gently. I felt most safe when Esmee was around.
“
Are you happy for me to talk to you like you are Mi or would you like to come to my office?” Doctor Jordan asked as he propped open a folder beside of him scanning the pages. I don’t think I would have had the energy to walk to his office any way even the smallest of things where zapping me lately.
“
Here’s fine.” I whispered
“
Well could you at least sit up please so you can join in the conversation.” I did what I was told and uncoiled my self heaving my self to upright again. The dizziness once again took over and my upper body swayed almost over balancing. Esmee grabbed hold of my arm to steady me.
“
Are you all right?” She asked slowly releasing her grip as I started to become more steady. I nodded before rising me knees up to my chin and wrapping my arms around them. I feared if I wasn’t holding my self together after what he was going to say I would shatter into tiny splinters.
“
We have just had a quick review of you Mi.” Dr. Jordan said leaning forward slightly grasping his hands together. “That is Esmee, Emmet and my self as they are your primary care team. Jacob would of course of been invited to but he is off sick today so we had to go ahead and do it with out him. Getting to the point though. Esmee and Emmet have been very concerned about a number of things. The three main ones being The sever depression you seem to be in at the moment. Your low observation levels In consideration to what happened last time you felt very depressed and last but not least the amount you are eating and your significant weight loss.”
Doctor Jordan stopped to gauge my reaction for a while but realising my empty eyes said nothing he continued and now the braking began fully.
“
First off I have given you the official diagnosis of Anorexia nervosa and medium to sever depression. Also for the depression I am prescribing a mild anti-depressant. This isn’t a cure mind you but it might help to take the edge off. Have you got any questions regarding that?”
I shook my head. I knew it was coming like Bella had told me a little while ago it was only a matter of time before they started trying to put me into boxes, started medicating me into a inch of my normal self. I suppose that didn’t matter much any more any way. It felt like I had lost the real Mi a long time ago. The Mi I didn’t mind being.
“
So Mi, how are you feeling, really?” Doctor Jordan asked.
“
I’m Ok.” I mumbled in return. Resting my head back against the cool wall and closing my eyes. It took to much energy to support my own weight.
“
Well what about thoughts of harming your self. Do you still want to do that?”
“
Yes” I heard him scribble something down on the folder with his fountain pen
“
What about thought’s of Killing your self? Do you still want to do that?”
“
More then anything.”
“
So if I gave you the ways and means of killing your self right here in front of you now, would you.”
“
Defiantly. You wouldn’t be able to stop me.” I said snapping my head up and setting the full force of my eyes on him. “You won’t keep me alive for ever. This place is just a life support machine. You just keep me breathing and my heart beating but I died long ago. My soul is in so many little bits. I am so broken. I can’t be fixed, or changed or healed. Your just keeping me suffering. The kindest thing would be to let me go.”
Emmet sighed heavily from the corner which made me flash my eyes to him. I had only ever seen him this close to tears once before and that time was also over me to. Esmee who was sitting next to me took in a sharp intake of breath. As she once again placed a hand on my shoulder. Emmet looked at her and smiled gently. Esmee’s hand got firmer on my shoulder and my loathing raged inside of me like an angry monster no longer sedated.
“
Have you planned your suicide?” Doctor Jordan asked distracting me again.
“
Vividly.”
“
Will you tell me, how? When?”
“
No.”
“
Are you in charge of this shift Emmet?” Doctor Jordan suddenly asked in a different lighter voice turning his attention to Emmet.
“
No Esmee is.” He responded. Doctor Jordan turned his attention to her instead.
“
I am sorry but can it be arranged for Mi to go right up to red at the moment. It doesn’t necessarily have to be at arms length but she will need to have a one on one for everything else including in the bathroom as well. Obviously, suicide watch as well please. Dr Jordan sighed scratching something else onto the pages of the folder.
“
No!” I gasped suddenly much more alert, “Please, please no! Not again, Please. Anything else, please.” I grasped franticly at something to hold on to and found Esmee first. She didn’t mind me squeezing her arm in fact she made it easier for me by turning her body towards me. Her perfect black sparkling eyes set on mine and the dams that had been holding back the tears erupted.
“
Esmee please, please.” I sobbed franticly. The tears dripping off of my cheeks as I squeezed my hands around one of Esmee’s arms.
“
Shhh,” Esmee soothed bringing her other hand up to my face tucking my hair behind my ears before She stroked the tears away with her fingers. “Shhh, it’s OK darling. It’s all right sweet heart. It won’t be for long and I will try to put my self on your observations as much as I can. Come on baby, calm down, shhh.
“
Of course then there is the issue of you restricting and refusing food Mi.. We have to do something about that.” Doctor Jordan said again in a louder voice cutting off Esmee’s gentle soothing. My insides went cold.
On the nose
I looked over at Dr Jordan with my tear streaked face and silently begged him not to carry on, I couldn’t take no more braking and I new what ever his plan was it would most defiantly hurt somewhere deep inside of me however obviously couldn’t off seen this or just didn’t care as he voice broke out clear and loud again. Esmee held on to my arms a little tighter, she obviously knew what was coming and knew I wasn’t going to like it. She probably feared that if left un held they might of found a way into a wall.
“
We have decided to insert you with a NG feeding tube for the time being Mia,” Doctor Jordan said quickly like he was trying to brake the news fast so it wouldn’t hurt as much, like the plaster Theory. Rip them off quickly and it wouldn’t hurt. The trouble was the theory didn’t work well for plasters and here it was just useless.
My body crumpled and folded into its self as Dr Jordan continued to explain what he was going to, but his voice was an empty mumbling of nothing. Was this what I had been fearing. No not really, I never thought they would do it. Not when I was still that fat. What where they going to do with me. What had become of me. How could they do this. Was there no one on my side any more. Not even Esmee’s now full embracing hug around my tiny curled up body could get rid of the empty dreading. The angry void now twice as big and twice as sore as ever before.
Mode swing
“
Have you got any questions for me Mia, regarding the NG tube that is?” I shuddered involuntary at the thought of the tiny white tube they would soon be sticking up my noise, about the sticky medical tape that would stick pulling at the side of my face. For the first time my scar would have a companion, something equally as discussing for people to gaup at. Another way for them to make me fat and ugly.
“
Mia?” Doctor Jordan persisted as I screwed my self up into a tighter ball screwing my eyes up tightly, begging for the nightmare to be over, pleading with my self to wake up screaming. There was also the fact that he was calling me Mia. Why was he angry with me? What had I done to him. Surely I should be mad at him, mad about the fact he came into my room and ripped me apart like an angry tornado in the space of fifteen minutes. Mad at the fact that soon he would leave and leave me trapped chin deep in the devastation of it.
“
I think she is just a bit shocked.” Esmee said eventually, trying to spare me any more pain. “She just needs some time. Emmet and my self can tell her anything she want’s to know about the procedure after all we will probably be the ones to insert it right.”
Doctor Jordan let out a huff. Was he really enjoying torturing me? Was I not broken enough all ready for him? What had happened to the doctor Jordan I met in the sky light ward. The one that rolled up his sleeves and let me in on his own angry past. Surly he should understand. Why did he want to make it harder for me? Or was he expecting for me to be getting better by now showing signs of improvement. Maybe I was a blemish on his reputation.
“
Well I will go. I have another appointment. Maybe Emmet and your Self Esmee can stay with Mia for a bit. I will let Jean know about the changes to Mia’s observations.”
“
OK.” Esmee and Emmet said simultaneously. Somewhere in me sparked and the childish urge to shout Jinx at them both was almost unbearable.
“
Well Mi.” He said again to me, his voice again now back to concerned. “I hope you are felling better soon.” and with that he left leaving me confused. His mode swings would give Jackel and Hyde a run for their money.
If only the vision was true
Emmet got to his feet and come to sit next to me on the opposite side of Esmee. I would of normally felt to crowded and scared sandwiched in between two people but the time for me being scared of Emmet and Esmee had long gone. There wall around me in fact made me feel safer, safer from my self even if it wasn’t from any one else.
“
It will be OK.” Emmet finely said after a while of just his silent hand on my back Esmee’s on top of his. A fleeting image of a mother father and daughter image infiltrated in the for front of my brain like looking into a glossy photo of a family portrait. A angry burning rippled through my body like an electrocution as the image ingrained on my brain. It wasn’t a bad image. It was a nice one that would I would love to be real. To have a family like them would have been a dream come true but I didn’t deserve dream and it was like somehow my brain new this and sent the agony as a punishment for my dirty secret longing.
Gripping at my sides to stop me falling apart as the longing grew deeper in me and the pain intensified in the void in my chest I let my body slip off of the bed onto the floor and into a ball before the tears came back in deep heavy rivers down my cheeks I was a pathetic stupid, fucked up mess. The longed for things she just didn’t deserve.
Emmet and Esmee where both on the floor next to me in seconds leaning over me and trying to pull me back up into a sat up position but I screamed at them to get off of me. Screamed at them to let me go, screamed at them to go away, and the screaming in my head screamed back at me for screaming at them. Making me cry harder.
“
Mi, Mi are you hurt?” Emmet shouted over my shouting. Trying to look over my body for any signs of physical injury.
“
No.” I shouted “No I’m OK. Just leave me alone !” I wailed banging my arms down onto the floor.
“
Ok, Ok.” Esmee said winding her body around the front of me pressing her body in close trying to restrict my movement while Emmet did the same around my back making it almost imposable to move at all let alone thrash about. Still there was something quite comforting about it as well. Here I was secure in a cocoon. Where I could be small and tiny unable to hurt any one or anything.
“
Esmee, I’m sorry. Emmet I’m sorry.” I wept over and over as I felt the familiar swirling start to take over my head.
I cant lose you.
There was a shifting of a body beside of me and Esmee shifter her weight so she was lying on the floor next to me her face close to mine. She seemed so familiar in that position, her face up close to mine. So comforting. So much like someone I used to know
“
Arabella, I whispered to my self through my clogged up throat and I smiled as the pain ebbed away.
Arabella leant forward gently and at kissed me on the tip of my nose. I tried to smile but I couldn’t it had been a while since I smiled. The brittle grass intertwined around us from the grassy patch next to the gentle flowing water. It was here we had laid nearly all day and now the sun was just about to pack up his things and go away for the day making the place darker. The summer suns heat was also draining away and there was a pleasant breeze in the air. I counted daises and dandelions who’s sent tickled my nose. I rubbed my nose with the back of my hand before smiling gently as Arabella brushed her fingers through my hair withy a sigh.
“
I miss your smile Mi moo, you never use it any more.”
“
I don’t much feel like smiling any more A-bell.” I said looking down at the new cuts on my lower arms that where starting to scab over. I had started cutting a lot more and a lot deeper. Arabella was the only one that I didn’t have to hide them from. The only one that new my secret weapon to deal with every day life.
Catching my eyes lingering too long on the cuts Arabella leant over and kissed each one with a tenderness that no one else could ever managed until after she was happy she got each one she leant her cheek back up against the warm grass and looked into my eyes. Her auburn hair fell in tight ringlets by her side.
“
Whets happened to you Mi moo? You wont eat, you cut your beautiful body. I really feel like I am losing you to this darkness sometime.”
“
Sometimes, I feel like I am losing my self.”
“
I wont let you go moo. Not with out a fight. I can’t lose you.”
“
I don’t want you to.” I said looking down at my curled up body and placed one hand over my stomach and started talking again still looking at my tummy,“But you might all ready have.” I whispered closing my eyes as a particularly stubborn ray of sun that refused to die settled on my eyes making me blind.
“
No I Haven’t.” She said gently pulling her fingers through my black straighter hair.
“
A-Bell.” I said Taking a deep breath in and grimaced before looking back into her wondrous eyes. “A-Bell, I think I’m pregnant.
Who’s Arabella
Slowly I returned to the room opening my eyes with a flicker, I wasn’t sure what had happened but there was someone with there fingers pressed to my wrists and worried muttering.
“
It’s all right Em. She’s Ok, she’s just come round.”
Had I fainted? It wouldn
’t of surprise me. I fainted a lot over the last couple of weeks but I never normally dreamed through them, that was one of my bitter, sadder memory’s of Arabella and as an instinct I pressed my hand to my tummy apart from the fat budges it was empty. That was a good thing. Well that’s what I kept telling my self. I would of made a rubbish mother. There was no room for a baby in my crazy fucked up mind.
I shifted my weight so I sat up on my arm a bit and looked around the room. It was muzzy like I had just woken up in the morning before Esmee slowly focused at the centre of my vision, and her smile warmed my coldness slightly.
“
Are you feeling better honey?” She asked
“
Yeah I think so.” I said still a little bit confused before I pulled my self to my feet and sat on the edge of my bed still not really focusing. I was aware of two pairs of eyes on me but they didn’t really matter. I then felt two people sit down either side me on the bed, and a hand on my back.
“
Who’s Arabella?” I heard Emmet ask gently. Her name made things Suddenly focus completely and I snapped my head around to look at him in the face like he had just started talking snake or something equally as obscured . Yet even if he had that would not of been the strangest thing. The strangest things was the fact I was actually going to tell him who Arabella was.
Everything
“
She was everything.” I sighed the picture of her face fogging up my mind. She was smiling at me, my heart broke. “She was everything that I lived for and everything I will never be able to get back. I miss her.” I whined quietly.
“
Is Arabella no longer alive?” Esmee asked in the most gentlest tone I had ever heard, both Emmet and her self had put a gentle hand onto my back and where listening intently like what I had to say was the most important thing they had ever heard. Like at that moment. My story was sat at the centre of the universe
“
nearly two years ago now. We where in a car crash.” I said sniffing away a fresh wave of tears and sadness as I remembered how she looked scrunched up crushed against the weal of her car, her arm hanging the wrong way down by her side, bent back on it’s self from the elbow.
Seeing my sadness Esmee shifted her self closer to me and put her arm around my back pulling me in close to her side so her hair tickled the side of my face before she handed me a tissue
“
I lost far to much that day. She was my sister, and she was the only person that cared and she just went away. I couldn’t help her.” I said desperately gripping the duvet cover below me as the scene flashed before my eyes. “ I tried but I could barley move my self. I screamed for her but she wouldn’t look at me. There was blood coming out of her ears and mouth, and she wasn’t moving. She wasn’t breathing. I new she was dead or she was dying but there was nothing I could do.” I cried the tears making long tracks down over my cheeks. “There was nothing I could do to save her.”
Too soon
The next day after breakfast Emmet called me over to him. I had for once eaten breakfast with out to much of a protest even though every part of me hurt to do so. I counted the calories excessively until my head screamed in agony. Edward watched me at breakfast and was also doing my red observations that to my protest remained. I wanted to go to the bathroom. I wanted so much to put my fingers down the back of my throat and make my self empty but I knew a member of staff would follow and restrain on cue.
Edward followed me over to Emmet and Esmee materialised from around his shoulder smiling her warm smile. I jumped back a pace but smiled back when I realised it was only her. Tiny little Esmee couldn’t hurt a fly.
“
Can we have a word Mi?” Emmet asked gently trying not to cause any attention as the others from the dinning room filed out to place there dishes in the kitchen ready to be loaded into the dishwasher.
I nodded and followed him out of the room Edward following me like an obedient puppy dog unable to leave my side. Emmet stopped when we reached the main entrance and sat him self down on the familiar thread bare blue sofas Esmee following his lead and sitting next to him. I chose to stand and so did Edward, a wise idea considering I was thinking of bolting for the door. Emmet’s face was sombre and un-Emmet like a sign that something bad was about to happen. My tummy clinched in an uncomfortable manner.
“
Dr Jordan has asked Esmee and my self to put in your NG tube this morning. It wont take long but it will be a bit uncomfortable. Do you want any one else with you for support? I understand that this must be a bit scary for you.” Emmet said it a soft tone as he reached up and took my hand in his.
My hands began to shake and my head swam. I didn’t think it would be so quickly I thought I had time, not that I thought I could change anything. Dr Jordan had made up his mind and there was no arguing with him. I had asked if I could refuse the treatment and I was told I couldn’t as the procedure was considered non evasive they could make me receive the treatment with out going to court because I was a mentally incapable minor. I was to young to chose to be thin apparently. They said they where saving my life. I said they where making me fat It was as simple as that . I swallowed hard and turned to Edward behind me who was looking at his feet
“
Edward.” I mumbled. “I think I am going to need someone to hold my hand. I’m scared.”
How do I walk again?
The clinic suddenly felt like it was miles away though it was only a few doors down the corridor. My feet wouldn’t walk in time with them self and I tripped a lot, making Edward grab my arm to stop me stumbling into the back of Esmee before he gave me a sad smile and for what felt like the millionth time since I entered apple gate house I felt like a condemned mad destined for the electric chair.
As we got to the clinic room the same overpowering smell of anti septic greeted my nostrils and my stomach gave a jolt. I felt sick. Upon the work table next to the doctors bench was all the things they where going to need. The most prominent being the long white plastic tube and clamps. This was what was going to be placed up my nose and into my stomach. That was what was going to make me fat, next to that there was a tube with the words for tube feeding only written upon the side of it. Obviously here was the stuff that was going to make me fat. I stopped dead still my back stiffening. My body going into fight or flight mode. The sad thing was I could do neither. I was outnumbered one way or another that tube was going to find it’s way up my nose and into my stomach.
“
Come on honey.” Esmee said coming over to me with her hand extend for me to take “Come and have a seat.”
I took her hand and she lead me over to the doctors bench. My feet dragged like an out of time metronome. “Take a seat up there darling.” I did what I was told my stomach lurching. I thought I was going to be sick. I should of refused breakfast.
I should not of laughed at Bella.
Esmee and Emmet weaved there body’s around me trying to find the beast positions to work on me while there faces come in and out of focus as they tilted my head one way or another and looked up my nose, there faces stern in their concentration.
“
Can you tie your hair up off of your face for us?” Esmee asked sweetly pulling the elastic band she always kept around her wrist off with a snap before handing it to me.
I did what I was told silently, wrapping my dead brittle hair up loosely into a pony tail while pulling a fair amount out two making another bold patch appear. My stomach flipped onto my mouth as Esmee discreetly took the hand full of my hair and dropped it into the yellow clinical waste bag to be thrown out with the trash.
“
Edward, hold her hand.” Esmee announced in her most caring and gentle voice as she walked back over to me. a warm smile on her face, but I could hardly see it as my eyes where now filled with tears, Edwards hand slipped into mine. I squeezed it as much as I could but I still had very limited mobility of my bad arm. It wasn’t enough
“
Right Mi. We are going to start now Ok.” Emmet said placing his strong hand on my shoulder.
“
will it hurt?” I stammered.
“
No, it won’t hurt, but it will feel really uncomfortable for a few seconds, but once we get past your gag reflex it wont be so bad Ok. The other thing is Esmee will be holding a big tumbler of water with a straw. It’s going to be really important that you drink when we tell you to OK. This will make it less uncomfortable and help the tube go into the right place.” Emmet said in his stern voice of authority before then turning his voice back to his softer tone and adding. “Your going to be OK sweet heart.” All I could do was nod
Emmet bent his knees and tilted my head up so I was looking At him straight in his face. His eyes did one final evaluation of my features before he gave one final smile and started feeding the tiny little tube up my nose.
The tube hit the back of my throat with a force I wasn’t expecting and I retched. With this Esmee thrusted the cup of water at me and placed the straw in my mouth.
“
Start drinking honey it will help.” She encouraged. I drank the water and it hit my stomach like a thousand tiny rocks while at the same time Emmet pushed the tube further into my throat. I gagged again spitting the water all down over my top and Esmee’s hands. I could barley breath.
“
Good girl, good girl.” Esmee said gently holding a cardboard bowl under my chin with the other hand. “Keep sipping at the water when you can .” I clamped my lips back around the straw and drank deeply as Emmet pushed the tube in further, I whimpered as it hit the back of my throat again but I kept drinking and Emmet pushed again until it became to much and I retched, a mixture of water and vomit hitting the bowl under my chin. I couldn’t breath and I began to sob as my gag reflex was activated again and I tried to free my hand from Edward’s so I could reach up and tare the tube out of my nose so I could make the pain go away.
“
Keep drinking.” Esmee encouraged but I shook my head pulling still retching, the tears pouring down over my face.
“
I know it sounds like I am being harsh Mi and I am not trying to be but at the moment the tube is sat right on your gag reflex so it wont get any better until I get it further down, so we have to push on OK love.” Emmet said softly while Esmee pushed the straw back into my mouth and I began drinking again. I also noticed the grip on my hand had become tighter as Edward gripped it in comfort and a constant stream of reassurance tumbled out of his mouth that I could barley here over the buzzing in my head. Still it made me feel a bit better so I thanked him for that. Without him the procedure would have been intolerable.
The gagging finally eased as the tube made it’s way past my throat and into my stomach until finally what felt like hours later even though it was probably only minutes, Esmee put down the tumbler of water and the bowel of vomit and hugged me with the words. “It’s all done now. You did really well.” All I could do was sob. Bella was right. They tubed me and there was nothing I could do about it. I had now lost the only control I had left.
Who is she?
Esmee sat on the other side of me from Edward and took my other hand into hers and gave it a squeeze, the corners of her lips turned up into a sad smile. Then with the other hand she took hold of the tube from my nose and draped it over my right ear; she then took a mint green clamp and cap from the table and inserted them on the end of the tube. After she did that she let go of my hand and tore a strip of surgical tape off of the roll and very gently she taped the tube to my cheek, smoothing down the ends of the tape with her soft finger tips. She said nothing. She didn’t have to. There where no words to be said, she knew there was nothing any of them could do to ease my pain.
With a grimace and eyes full of tears Emmet stepped back and aloud me to look into the mirror.
I did not know the girl who was steering back at me. Her face was drawn and bony and a translucent gray colour, her eyes where cold and dead. She had brittle black hair that hanged in thin lifeless stands over her shoulders. Her lips where red chapped and sore. There was also a red line of an old scar that ran down the right side of her face from the bottom of her eye to her lip that somehow made her look even more broken apart.
Stunned I got to my feet and walked closer to the mirror and to my surprise the girl that seemed to be stuck in the mirror got to her feet to and I gasped. The girl in the mirror was a ghost. Her skin was white and see threw and her bones jutted out from her body and threw her cloths like knives. Each single rib could be counted threw her top and her jeans sat on the pointed tips of her prominent hips and sucked in between them into the space where her stomach should be. Her legs where tiny little strips of bones that looked like they could be snapped in half with out to much trouble and her arms where worse with sharp pointing shoulder blades making the fabric on her top poke out in a strange fashion.
The tiny arms on this teenage girl like creature was covered with fleshy white, red and purple scars that stood out in contrast to her thin, white skin. She had been cut many, many times buy something vicious and terrible. A covering of thin wispy fur also made a light covering over her arms like what was on her face. A sign of server malnutrition.
Two tears dropped from the mirrored girls eyes which drew my attention back to her face and this time the little white tube that went up her right nostril and draped over her face and behind her ear. The white medical tape that held it in place on her cheek pulled at the thin skin.
“
Who… Who’s that.” I whispered in a terrified voice to Emmet who then came and also stood in front of the mirror towering over the little lost girl that stood in front of him.
“
Mi…That’s you.” Emmet said placing his hand on my shoulder and in turn the girl in the mirror had his hand on her shoulder to.
Retching I dropped to my knees and continued on to puke my guts up.
Another fighter in my war
Esmee and Emmet worked in perfect unison, Esmee chucked him the bowel that Emmet caught perfectly and then he dropped to his knees and held it under my chin as the second bout of violent vomiting burst out of my mouth.
“
You’re Ok, honey, your Ok it will pass.” Emmet soothed getting to his feet taking the bowl of watery vomit away with him h while Esmee immediately took his place holding another bowl under my chin. Edward then crouched on the other side of me and very gently whipped the vomit off of my mouth. I had no idea why but this made me smile. Probably because you’re an idiot.
I took big gulping breaths trying to take in as much air as possible between dry heaving as the mussels in my stomach stretched. Edward rubbed my back in a soothing manner as he whispered soothing comments to me trying somehow to make me feel better.
“
Emmet when your free could you set up some oxygen please.” Esmee asked sweetly over her shoulder while still squeezing my shoulder in her usual comforting way.
I tried to gasp out my protest at the thought of having to be given oxygen but my lugs wouldn’t let me by squeaking where my voice should have been.
“
Sure thing,” Emmet said throwing a paper towel on top of the bowl of vomit and pulled off his gloves throwing them in the bin, he then went about pulling a mask out of the cupboards and clear plastic tubing.
I tried to calm my self to get the image of the sick painfully thin girl in my head but just when I made any progress another image of her entered into my mind only worse then before.
I heaved again and Esmee moved the bowl back closer to my mouth while Edward scoped my hair off of my shoulders, I heaved again pulling harder at my stomach mussels and more vomit entered into the new bowl Esmee had under my mouth.
“
You finished for a while honey?” Emmet asked once again swapping his place with Esmee he had a mask held in his hand.
“
I’m sorry.” I moaned sitting down properly on the floor, the nausea for then at least seemed to be passing. Edward once again wiped off my lips and again I smiled. God you really are stupid.
“
Here try some of this.” Emmet said trying to snap the green elastic over the back of my head but I shock him off clawing at the mask with my hand.
“
Dear me Mi.” Esmee said crouching down on the other side of me. “What is it about you that doesn’t like oxygen?” Esmee asked taking the oxygen mask off of Emmet and pulling it over my head ignoring the protests.
My panic rose immediately as the plastic of the mask sucked its self to my face and I tried once again to claw it off but Emmet was quicker them me with his lightning fast reflexes he grabbed hold of both my hands in his vice like grip and held them down at my sides.
With the absence of anything else I could do the tears then come again streaming out of my eyes as I yelped like a puppy in my attempts to keep them inside. My breathing became even more erratic then it was before as the oxygen hissed going down into my lugs; It felt more like it was billowing poison into them. My stomach clinched again and the vomit gushed up the back of my all ready sore throat.
“
I’m going to be sick.” I gasped trying to drag my hands free of Emmet’s so I could pull the mask from my face and grab the dish that was beside me in time. I guessed vomiting into a oxygen mask would not have been a pleasant experience.
Esmee reacted first yanking the mask off from my face just before I was violently sick again this time pretty much square over her blouse. My insides went cold but my cheeks went bright red burning with the embarrassment of what had just happened. I had been sick over Esmee’ shoe before but this was something else all together. I wanted to curl up where I was and die.
“
Esmee,” I gasped. “I am so, so sorry,” I cried the sobbing tone returning to my voice before I bent over and curled my body wrapped up into a tight ball letting the scream that was inside me finally emerge from my lips.
“
Mi, it’ Ok, you couldn’t help it. I am a nurse it has happened to me million of times before. I will just go have a shower and get changed and it will be like nothing has happened. It’s not a big deal Ok, it really isn’t. Don’t let this upset you any more then you all ready are. It hasn’t upset me. It just goes with the job.” Esmee said her voice still calm and controlled even though she was now wearing an outfit that mostly consisted of my breakfast.”
“
It’s no all right!” I screamed bashing my forehead against the cold lino floor of the clinic room. “Nothing is all right!” I yelled.
Before or Esmee could respond again I had someone else’s arms wrapped around me and I buried my self in closer to his chest grateful for anything or any one that was going to hold me together. Just a little bit as most of me headed down the drain.
“
Your OK Honey. Your all right.” Edward whispered trying to get a better grip around my body. “it’s all OK. Esmee will be fine and so will you. We are all here to help you together.”
What I deserve
What must have been five to ten minutes later my sobs dyed to sniffling and where I was come back into focus and the fact I was still cuddled into Edward became more prominent. So I shuffled out of his grips and looked around the room.
Esmee -who was now in a clean top with wet hair, and Emmet where now sat close together on the doctors bench there hands interlocked in each other their heads bowed close talking in hushed tones. They looked like a perfect married couple. They should be married; they would be the most caring couple in the entire universe.
“
Feeling better Mi?” Emmet suddenly said noticing my new coherantness; he unwrapped his fingers from around her hand and got to his feet before crouching down next to me. “Edwards right Mi, We are all here to fight your daemons, There is nothing you have to do on your own. Now, do you mind if I clip this on to your finger.” Emmet asked showing me the finger grip from a hand held oxygen monitor. I nodded.
The numbers flashed between 97 and 98 and Emmet smiled.
“
You can take that off if you want now.” Emmet said pointing at my face and I suddenly became all too aware of what was stuck to it and making the whooshing noise; they must of some how managed to re attach it to my face as I had my mini melt down in Edwards arms.
“
Damn mask.” I shouted pulling it off my face so forcefully the green elastic snapped. Emmet giggled
“
You really shouldn’t hate oxygen so much Mi. There are a lot worse things in life.” I dropped my face so my eyes looked at the floor and answered quietly more to my self then him. It sounded so stupid I wasn’t sure if I really wanted him to hear.
“
I know. I just don’t feel I deserve it.”
Doctor’s orders
I had hoped that Emmet would have ignored my stupid comment but as always Emmet never missed a beat.
“
Mi, look at me love.” He said gently placing three of his fingers under my chin so he could lift it up so I would look into his eyes; I didn’t want to. I thought his eyes would burn me like lazars into my soul but he was persistent and in the end I had to stare right into them.
His eyes where both soft and shocking and almost as unbearably penetrating as Esmee’s even though his where no where near as dark and mysterious they had devastating power to them and wondered if he was the kind of man that could kill with his looks when he wanted to. Saying that they had never been anything but kind and soothing to me.
“
Every one deserves to breathe Mi.” Was all Emmet said but that was all that was needed.
“
Now then.” Esmee said suddenly jumping into life breaking the thick layer of sincerity that was pressing down on me like a pin to a blown. “ I am showered, smelling wonderful - if I don’t say so my self, and ready to get out of this incredibly hot clinic room. SoLet’s flush that tube out, and get going. I am sure there is something better then this you want to be doing with your half term and I believe I am doing your observations for the rest of this hour. Esmee said smiling enthusiastically like I hadn’t just puked all over her quarter of an hour before hand.
“Well I am defiantly no smelling as nice as you.“
I mumbled to my self as I noticed the vomit clinging to the ends of my hair and down my top. All I really want to do is have a shower. Needless to say I would rather have one on my own but I doubt that’s going to happen.”
“
Sorry honey,“ Esmee said sympathetically extending her hand out for me to take, “Doctors orders.”
Don’t speak
Ten minutes later Esmee locked the shower room door behind her and sat down on the lid of the toilet seat. I turned the shower on and breathed in the steamy water letting the gentle whooshing sooth the buzzing and stinging that ached around my body and head.
Slowly I changed out of my cloths trying to keep out of the sight of the watch full eyes of Esmee. I new what lingered under the protect full layer of clothes. I new the burses still raged upon my stomach, hips, thighs and upper arms. They where black and purple, a reminder that my body was disgusting and there where areas that I would never be OK.
The shower was a cubical in the bathroom with only a clear plastic shower curtain. This is Ok when you’re in the room on your own but when your on red obs the person with you can see everything, but I guessed that was the point, Even though I still wasn’t sure what any one could do in a shower where all the fixing where attached to the wall so securely I doubted super man could of removed them.
As I was about to step into the shower my towel slipped from over my shoulder and I heard Esmee get to her feet with a tiny gasp. My body whirled into a panic as I stopped frozen to the ground the muscles in my back tightening.
“
Mi stop.“ Esmee said walking over to me quickly before getting to me and gently pressing her fingers to the ugly bruise. I closed me eyes hoping that I might vanish into thin air. “Mi what are all these?” Esmee asked gently. I opened my eyes to see if she was angry with me but she wasn’t just concerned; the anger would have been better, less devastating to see.
“
Did someone do this to you honey?” Esmee asked softly standing back from me and unleashing the devastating power of her coal coloured sparkling eyes on to me.
The instinct was of course to lie even though I had no good thing to tell her. To tell her that I slipped and fell when I was in the shower before. To tell her anything that would lead her off track. Tell her I was attacked by a pack of flying monkeys if it would work to stop her looking at me, but I could not lie to Esmee and the devastating power of her eyes, in fact it took all my might just to stay quiet and not blurt out what I had been doing to the reflection I saw.
I suddenly saw the realisation dawn upon her face as some of the colour drained out of it like what happened when she was usually shocked. I tried to shack out of her grasp and step under the water but she held me firmly. I struggled more whimpering at her.
“
It’s all right Mi. It’s all right.” She soothed pulling the towel back up to wrap around my shoulders again covering the offending bruises. Her voice some how instantly soothed my irritation and I stopped struggling against her and simply looked down at the floor.
“
You did this to your self right?” Esmee asked gently pushing a strand of hair over my ear.
“
Just don’t.” I said really quietly to Esmee looking up towards her again. “Just don’t say any more. I can’t take it OK. You know as well as I do how these bruises came to be on my body and I will always carry the bruises on my heart soon after these have faded.” I said jabbing a finger at the top of my arm. “Now Esmee please.” I said tears glistening in my eyes “Just don’t say any more.”
And she didn
’t.
Never clean
I could not look at Esmee again as she returned back to sit down on the toilet seat and I stepped into the scolding hot shower. The water that rushed over my body soothed all the aching and the stinging on the outside but on the inside everything still raged and with out really thinking I banged my head hard up against the cool tiled wall. Somehow with the impact the raging turmoil inside me edged slowly away and I could get on with washing my hair and scrubbing at my body with the soap and hot water. Only I really knew why I never felt clean.
Yes it’s still embarrassing even when you hum.
After my tears where mixed suitably with the dirty shower water I grabbed the towels over the top of the shower and started drying my self. A few minutes later Esmee pulled back the shower curtain destroying the little privacy I had left and I sunk back close to the wall hiding behind the towels.
I slipped my clothes on still wet and used the toilet while Esmee busyed her self humming like she always did when I had to use the loo in front of her. I knew she was only trying to help but when she stood there gawping at me while I went her humming didn’t really do much to ease my embarrassment at the whole situation.
“
So we have about half an hour left together Mi. Where are we going?”
“
My room.” I mumbled There was never any where else to go. I liked to curl up there and I hope that somehow my thoughts would permit me to have a respite from the sadness that hung forever inside of me.
“
Come on Mi. Lets go somewhere else.” Esmee encouraged looking at me with hope full eyes, lets play pool or something in the activity room or we could go and watch some mind numbing day time TV. Or I could even take you for a walk around the grounds. Buttercup might even be prowling around.”
Curiosity found a cat
Curiosity and the underlying never dying urge to be free from the walls that surrounded me was the main reason I chose to go for a walk with Esmee. I had always been a very curious kind of person and when I was a child it was often said I was a lot like alike in wonderland. Truth be told they where probably right. It would have been so like me to be late to turn up to my own birthday party or something because I was following a white rabbit with a pocket watch down a hole. Probably not a good idea to mention that to Dr. Jordan. Of course finding out who buttercup was turned out to be to much of a temptation even now in my weekend self.
The day was warm again and the sun shone proudly fighting its way through and around any clouds that happened to be defiant enough to try and stop it. Birds chirped out there own little songs from the tress that where around and the flowers that grew in the flower beds reached up their heads towards the sun. In any other persons eyes it would have been beautiful and it was, even to me but every thing as always just seemed to be tinted grey and out of reach for my mind to see.
Esmee walked slowly not talking and I followed beside her letting the sun warm my face and dry off my wet hair, It had felt like a long time since I had been able to walk in the outside for no other reason other then walking and I was enjoying it in my own way even if it was only because I new it would be helping to burn of some calories.
As we turned the corner and had to walk closer to the hedge a little meow made me jump bringing me back to where I was and what I was doing.
“Ah.” Esmee said crouching down facing the hedge “Here comes buttercup,” and as if on cue a gloriously fluffy looking black and white cat trotted out of the hedge and started rubbing its head against Esmee’s legs purring loudly at her.
“She‘s the hospitals cat.” Esmee said to me as she picked up the fluff ball into her arms. “Well she doesn’t come into the unit it’s self but she has her food and things in the laundry at the back. I think she’s gorgeous. Do you like cats Mi?” Esmee asked
“I love them.” I said smiling at the purring buttercup. “She is just beautiful.” I added as I tickled her under the chin and she purred more loudly.
“Emmet and I have an ancient old ginger tom called Toast.” Esmee said starting to walk again as she continued to scratch the top of buttercups head. “He only has half a tail and he’s losing big patches of his fur now, not to mention the fact that he smells bad but he has a good nature and is patient with are daughter who likes to drag him around like a cuddly toy.” Esmee giggled to her self.
“Your daughter?” I questioned.
“Oh of course you wouldn’t know, not many do. Emmet and my self are married. Have been for five years now, and we got a two year old daughter.”
I let a smile spared across my face and a warm feeling fill up my body like I hadn’t felt in a long time as I saw the diamonded glinting on Esmee’s ring. I actually felt truly happy at this news. Only someone as spectacularly caring as Emmet would be the perfect match for Esmee and her unending compassion. It was a fairy tale marriage.
“What’s you daughter called?” I asked looking up at Esmee face smiling.
“Amelia, ” Esmee said her face beaming back at me as she rocked the cat from side to side like she was remembering the first time she held her daughter in her arms, “but we all call her Mia. She is so beautiful, but then again I think it might be a thing with all Mia’s I have never met one that wasn’t beautiful.”
Questions
“
Well I guess they gave me the wrong name then.” I laughed in a sad kind of way letting my eyes drop to the floor. The smile leaving my face as quickly as it came.
“
If I argued with you is there any chance I would win the fight?” Esmee asked
“
Not a chance. You don’t see what I do in the mirror.”
“
Mi, there are many more kinds of beauty then cosmetic beauty. When your head is better and when your mind is ready, I will tell you about them.” Esmee smiled back at me.
We walked together in silence for a bit with only the purring of a very contented Buttercup and the chirping of the birds interrupting it. Somewhere off of the end road you could here the gentle whooshing of traffic too.
The beauty of the surroundings was astounding. Nothing like what was expected of a psyceatric unit. I had never really considered it when I was on the other side of the fence, when the tall three story red brick building that towered beside me wasn’t what I had to call home. It was still heard to believe that I had now been in there for a month, what was harder still was apart from the short journey between the main building and the school I had not been out in a month either and my mind began to drift to all the questions that It had been concealing. I mean what was happening out there? How would of little rosy grown? Had Annie and Paul ever forgiven me? Did they miss me? Did they even remember me? My mind even floated to my mother. Where was she now? Who was she with now? Did she ever find another bloke? Was he in turn using her as a punch bag? Had she once again made a close friend at the bottom of a bottle of vodka? Did she miss me? Did she ever regret throwing me out? Did she even know I was here? Was she even alive?
“
You’re crying Mi.” Esmee suddenly said breaking me out of my trancelike wondering it was then that I noticed we had all ready done one circuit around the unit grounds. I also noticed and felt the moisture leaking form my eyes the Esmee referred to.
“
I guess I am.” I replied whipping the tears away. There was no point and lying saying I wasn’t would have been like saying the sky was orange.
“
Tell me.” Esmee prompted and to my utter surprise I started talking.
Cartoon clouds
“
It’s just like the cartoons on the Television” I said laughing a bit as I squinted in the sun. “You know when you see the rain clouds just over one of the characters head and it follows only them raining but the rest of the world and every one else is in sunshine.”
“
Yeah.”
“
Well I am the character that has the rain cloud over there damn heads.” I sighed to my self. “At first it is kind of funny watching the rest of the world from a different prospective but it soon gets lonely there. I mean no one wants to come any where near you because they don’t want to get wet and they don’t want you and your rain cloud to get there furniture wet or something. I think that’s why mum threw me out. I think in the end I just got her too wet.”
“
Your records say that your mum wasn’t very nice to you.” Esmee said going over to one of the benches under a beautiful tree with pink flowers and sat down. I followed her sitting on the end and resting the back of my neck on the head rest of the bench so I was looking up through the pink petals and wooden branches to the clear blue sky above.
“
I don’t suppose she was really.” I said more to my self then to Esmee, “but she blamed me for Arabella’s death, so maybe she was just sad.”
“
What did she do to you sweet heart?”
“
I truly can’t remember most of the time. The memories are all too blurry but to be honest I am kind of glad about that. The things I do remember nearly always hurt but put it this way. She doesn’t know it but throwing me out was probably the nicest thing she ever did for me. I still worry about her though.” I sighed as I closed my eyes against the sky somehow I was exhausted.
Esmee gently pulled me in close to her side putting her arm around me. I rested my head against her shoulder and breathed in the sweet scent of her strawberry shampoo. There was no need for her to say anything. I knew she was there.
Vodka
Smack! My body fell to the floor and my head rang as my cheek hit the cold lino. I could taste the blood filling my mouth as I had bit down on my lip in the process; I spat it out onto the floor. Why the hell should I worry about her floor when she was kicking the fucking shit out of me?
“
What the fuck are you doing to my fucking new floor you little bloody bitch?” My mum shouted bending down over my broken bent body getting centimetres from my face. “I should make you lick it up you bitch!” She shouted picking up my head by the hair and smearing my face in the bloody spit.
Mum got back up to her feet and grabbed the half empty bottle of vodka off the side. Swaying she unscrewed the cap and raised the bottle in the air drinking deeply until she drained the very last drips from the ends of the bottle.
“
You do this to me you bitch.” She yelled again swaying over me “You killed your sister and now you are trying to do it to me aren’t you!” She slurred again before smashing the vodka bottle centimetres from my head.
The glass shattered into many pieces beside me and as my mum swayed out of the kitchen and back into the living room to fall unconscious upon the old thread bear nicotine stained cream and blue leather sofa. I took up the biggest piece of glass and cut thin little lines of red into my wrist letting the blood drip to the floor into a sizable puddle. I hated my self for doing it but it had been as natural as breathing to start cutting the only problem was There was no way I wanted to bleed for her.
When you say nothing at all.
“
No!” I shouted as I jerked my head off of Esmee’s shoulder and clambered to my feet the cold sweat beading across my fore head, My heart pounding in my chest with no rhythm.
“
Wowa, Wowa. Calm down honey.” Esmee shouted getting to her feet next to me and cupping her hands around my face looking into my eyes. “What happened there my love?” She asked gently.
“
I’m not sure?” I moaned rubbing my eyes blinking around at the surroundings around me. It seemed impossible that I wasn’t back in the kitchen lied out on the floor bleeding. I checked the back of wrists still expecting the see the bleeding wounds but they weren’t there.
“
I think you dropped off honey.” Esmee said taking her hands away from my face and taking hold of my hands instead. “Don’t worry I wasn’t going to let you sleep on me for long” Esmee giggled noticing the horrified look on my face. “I guess you just had a bad dream.”
“
Well they aren’t all that uncommon.” I moaned more to my self then to Esmee. I realise I must of looked like a total shit head jumping off the bench the way I did.
“
I think dreams have a way of hunting us.” Esmee said beginning to walk again being followed by a complaining buttercup who was not impressed about being throw off of her lap. she bent down and picked up again mumbling something to her about having to look after other people as well as a lazy cat.
“
Mum used to drink a lot after Arabella died.” I sighed walking beside Esmee again kicking the lose stones across the ground. “I kind of think that was just an excuse though. She never cared about Arabella. I think that’s the main reason she told social services she couldn’t cope with me any more. She wanted me out. She wanted the flat to her self.”
“
She hurt you pretty bad didn’t she Mi?” Esmee asked gently stopping again placing her hand on my shoulder which once again made Buttercup protest. Inside my head the words screamed but on the outside I could say nothing however the look on Esmee’s face suggested I didn’t need to.
Not worth talking to.
“
Well I should get you back inside” Esmee said putting Buttercup on the floor and glancing at her watch after five minutes of silent walking. “George will be wondering where you got to and he is on your next hour of reds. You can come back out here with him if you want.
My heart sank when Esmee told me who was on my next hour of observations. George scared me for some reason even though he was only slightly taller then Esmee in height and was weedy in stature there was something about him that made something inside me crawl uncomfortably. He was sarcastic all of the time, making jokes about situations that lived in the depths of my own personal hell. No degree of evil or upset ever shocked him. He normally just seemed enthralled by the story no matter how sinister it was.
“
No it’s OK.” I said trying to oppress a shudder. “Maybe I will just go in the living room for a while or something. Saying that, I am not sure I want my new face accessory to be hot topic of conversation.” I moaned remembering was still inserted into my nose.
“
try not and worry too much about that honey.” Esmee said gently placing her hand on my shoulder. “The clients understand about things like this in here and as you know you are not the only one with an NG tube right now.”
“
I don’t talk to Echo.” I said Looking at the floor as Esmee pulled her card key up from the chain on her belt to open the door.
“
You don’t talk to any one.” Esmee said gently swiping her card making the door buzz open. “You should try and speak to some more people, you might be surprised.”
“
Esmee I learnt ages ago, that I am really not worth talking to.”
Flight
We bumped into George as we entered into the hall way and he smiled at me, I also saw his eyes slide to the right so he could steal a peek at the new accessory to my face I had to clinch my hands tight to stop me from reaching up to my face and ripping it out, I also felt the wetness gather in my eyes that I squashed down. There where to be no more tears shed today.
“
We where just looking for you George.” Esmee said distracting him by moving her body into his line of vision. My Insides hurt for her to stay with me I didn’t want to be with George.
“
As I was for you. Does Mi want to go outside again?” He asked Esmee ignoring me completely his strange twisted smile forming over his face.
I felt the warning bubble of panic float up inside of me before settling on my chest making it harder for me to keep my breathing calm and steady. I twisted my hands as the familiar feeling of nausea found my tummy again. I did not want Esmee to leave me with George no matter how harmless he really was and I silently begged her from the very core of me to find someone else to put me with.
“
Why don’t you ask her for yourself she is right here?” Esmee said patting me on the back catching me off guard I stumbled forward a bit and tears almost escaped over my eye lids. The terror swooped over me now with it‘s all engulfing power it seemed Esmee was not able to read my mind and with that gentle nudge forward felt like she threw me to the lions or even worse into the circle. the circle of people who where all bigger then me and could do what they wanted with me and I was petrified.
“
So how about it Mi. You fancy some more fresh air with old George?” George asked stepping closer to me. I couldn’t speak as my throat clogged up and the walls around me began to bleed into each other and the voices of age old forgotten things echoed into my mind. I took in a sharp intake of breath as the George in front of me seemed to melt into someone else then someone else then someone else again. I dug my fingernails into the fragile flesh of my arms and tried to blink away the sounds and images in my mind.
“
Are you OK Mi?” Esmee asked catching hold of my hand in hers. I knew it was meant to be a nice gesture but it felt restraining and powerful against me, like I was trapped in it, like I was her doll as well as Georges.
I struggled out of her grasp so I could stand alone and took a few steps back from her. Somehow even Esmee was changing in front of me, what the hell was happening why now had this been triggered from so deep inside of me.
I don’t know if the panic had become plane to see but I noticed George put his right hand to rest on top of his left wrist, the slightly illuminated red light of his alarm peeking out through his fingers, was he going to push it? I also noticed that Esmee had readied her self for a restraint. Like some how I was going t hurt them and not the other way round. I had to steady my breathing and use some strength I didn’t know I had to stop me from running away, I didn’t know how I managed it. My body had gone into fight or flight but I was too scared to do either.
“
We don’t have to go out side Mi; we can go anywhere you want.” George said also moving his body into position for a possible restraint.
“
I have to go to the bathroom.” I mumbled unable to stand the fact that George might actualy restrain me to him and with out thinking of the consequences i took off up the corridor at a sprint. Flight had finally won over.
Interactive doll
The bad men and women handed over theit crisp ten and twenty pound notes over to my daddy Joe as he blew the smoke from his cigarette over them. Joe was not my real father I knew this much even at the tender age of just six but I had never met my real father so Joe was who I had.
I played on the floor trying not to watch as the men and some woman gathered onto the sofas and the arm chairs that had been arranged into a large circle, most the chairs occupants slurped from cans of cheap beer and larger and blew clouds of cigarette smoke over each other including me, making my all ready asthmatic lungs rattle uncomfortably.
I had been given lots of new toys the last few days that including the brand new interactive doll that I had longed for out of the toy shop window and was told we where going to have a party for me. I also had on a brand new skimpy looking dress that was black with little glittery bits all over it and I was sitting on the floor in the middle of the make shift circle of furniture. Daddy Joe had said we where playing a game like the farmers in his den for the party and I was the farmer but as much as I looked I could see no body the same age as me and no one I wanted to play with. I cuddled my new doll to my chest promising her it was OK.
After the last person came into are living room there was about eight of them all in all, Daddy Joe came and sat with me in the middle of the circle and grabbed me by the top of the shoulders roughly but I smiled any way thinking it was part of the party game maybe it could be fun after all.
“
I told you all she was a looker, he slurred sloping some of the bear out of his can and onto my new dress. I tried to brush the droplets off with my finger but it only made it worse. This upset me, I never normally got brand new pretty dresses and I didn’t want this one to me ruined.
“
I don’t know Joe mate it’s kind of hard to tell with all those clothes on her.” One of the men who I could see in front of me with a giant bushy beard yelled rising his can of bear into the air. I heard mummers of agreement echo around the circle.
“
How about we show the people your lovely pretty body.” Daddy Joe said to me. I shock my head and gripped my doll closer to my chest suddenly not liking where the game was going but he leant forward and tore the dress off over my head any way then proceeded to pull my underwear off of me so I sat there naked and cold the eyes of the eight strangers looking me over.
“
She will do what ever you want her to.” Daddy Joe bragged bending his arms over me and slipping his hands inside of my Private area. I squirmed uncomfortable as I felt his fingers crept further inside of me. And dropped my doll onto the floor as the pain hit, Around the room I heard zips undoing and saw the men push there hands into the front of there trousers, some of the women followed by pushing there hands down the front of there trousers or up there tops too.
“
You just have to think of her as your interactive doll.” Daddy Joe groaned.
Fire and ice.
I took the stairs up to the bathroom on the hall two at a time and burst in through the door barley clambering to the sink before I threw my guts up once again that day. Of course Esmee was soon in behind me but I screamed at her to go away and to leave me alone. I noticed her stop dead still at the door as I threw my head back into the sink and vomited again.
“
Mi let me help you.” Esmee almost pleaded but I noticed out of the corner of my eye she didn’t move from her position. I also saw the agony on her face of having to watch me do this alone but I couldn’t let her come any nearer. I had to do this on my own, with any one else I let my self be vulnerable and I had learnt that at the tender age of six that this was not a good thing.
“
What’s Happening Esmee?” I heard another familiar male voice ask from the door and I flinched away.
“
Stay back.” I head Esmee shout pushing her hand out towards Emmet and at once he froze too.
“
What’s happened Esmee?” He asked again but this time more firmly, more concerned for his wife.
“
It’s OK Emmet nothing has happened. It’s just Mi, something happened when George tried to take over from my observations. She’s just really scared and I don’t want you to startle her.” I noticed Emmet nod to her but step around her into the bathroom anyway.
“
Mi, it’s Emmet, how you doing?”
“
Fucking fantastic.” I snapped turning the cold water tap on letting the spray splash onto my face. It felt good as the water mixed with the fiery tears that fell. Fire and Ice colliding.
“
Mi baby, can we help you?” Emmet asked gently edging towards me a bit more. He looked like he was approaching someone with a machine gun, or a bomb attached to their chest or at least something as equally as exotic, not a single teenager with no weapons or any fight left in her to do anything anyway. I didn’t say anything but whipped my lips with my sleeve and retreated over to the other side of the bathroom sinking down to the floor and curling up into a tight ball rocking ever so slightly They where going to take me out eventually I just didn’t want to see it when it happened.
“
Come on honey.” I heard Emmet say softly as he sat down beside me on the cold bathroom floor. I felt my soul crush into tears and my shoulders shake under the weeping, this was not the response I had been counting on. Where was the restraint, the alarms, the shouting?
“
It’s all right baby.” Emmet soothed again as he put his arm around my shoulder and I buried my face into his side trembling with my crying, my memory’s too much to bear. My heart to heavy to carry alone.
Washed and ruined
“
I think I ruined your t-shirt” Was the first thing I could sniff out as I clawed, edged and dragged my self out of the deep underworld that I had just been sent to in my head.
“
More Washed.” Emmet corrected for me looking down at his chest to the damp patch my tears had formed, I instantly felt embarrassed.
“
I should clean up the sink.” I mumbled unsteadily trying to pull my self to my feet, the bath room stank of air freshener, urine and bloody bile which the heat intensified.
“
Esmee’s all ready done it my love.” Emmet said getting to his feet to and steadying my swaying body. I was so exhausted I felt like I could fall to sleep standing there. It had been a long day.
“
What, Why?” I asked confused screwing up my eyes and pressing my hand to my fore head I was developing a chronic head ach and my whole head swam uncomfortably as my body vibrated with trembling, even my teeth chattered.
“
Are you cold?” Emmet suddenly asked ignoring my question and laying the back of his hand over my fore head while with the other hand he pressed two fingers to the back of my wrist. His face showed that he didn’t like his assessment much.
“
You need to come to the clinic with me OK.” Emmet said gently leading me to the bathroom door by the hand. “I need to take your blood sugar and you need to have something to eat and drink. I am worried you might be going into shock.
A game of chess
“
Emmet please!” I practically begged as he set down the chocolate bar on the table next to the orange juice, Jelly substance and another cloudy looking fluid. Apparently I had to consume one of them before I was aloud to leave.
“
Emmet let me go. I just need to sleep it off.” I moaned moving the chocolate as far away from me as I could manage with out throwing it on the floor.
“
Mi one way or another we have to give your blood sugar quite a rapid boost OK.” He said firmly “Now I can’t give you long to chose what to do because of how low it actually is and the fact it is to the stage where it is dangerous now, so make a decision please.”
I stared at the substances on the table in front of me and summed up the calories and sugar and fat in each one before coming to the conclusion all of them would cause me to gain weight. The girl I had seen in the mirror after the tube had been put in needed to eat this kind of stuff not me. Once again Sophie had poisoned and processed my mind and as I glanced over to the corner where the mirror stood I only saw my familiar reflection of fat and blubber, if anything it was worse then usual. Could I of gained a few pounds?
“
Tines up Mi.” Emmet announced snapping my attention away from the mirror. What is it going to be?”
“
None.” I hissed my anger rising slightly as Sophie softly egged me on. I was tired and fed up and just wanted to sleep, who the hell was he to stop me.
“
Through the nose it is then.” Emmet sighed pulling the table away from me and going to the cupboard to pull out a large syringe and the bottle of tube feed liquid from the fridge.
“
What are you going to do now bitch? You where to week and aloud them to put that tube in, and now they are going to use it. What are you going to do little piggy Mia, what you going to do bitch.”
I felt the tears creep to eyes and Sophie cackled at me, I had never really known her so cruel but maybe I deserved it after all she was right. I should of put up more fight against the NG.
“
Don’t cry you week prophetic idiot, fight it! He can’t do this to you unless you let him Mia, little piggy Mia.”
“
You can’t make me.” I snarled over confidently at Emmet the corners of my mouth turning up into an unfamiliar evil grin that made my cheeks hurt. I truly had no idea what I was doing just the knowledge deep within me that I couldn’t stop it. “I will just vomit it back up as soon as you put it down me. Check.” I hissed threw my ugly defiant smile. The smugness I felt not my own.
“
Sophie.” Emmet said bluntly and almost in an angry tone as he turned towards me. He emphasised the name he used. “We either do this the easy way or the hard way. Either I give Mi the fluid here or it will take me less then 10 minuets to get an ambulance here to transfer her to Sky light for a 24 hour rescue drip feed.” He announced “Check mate.”
He was close
It took Emmet one minute to frog march me to Dr Jordon, it took him a further one minute to explain to him. It took Dr Jordon four minutes to arrange the ambulance and bed and it took the ambulance two minutes to arrive. It took one minute for me to get into the ambulance then a further 4 minutes to get to the hospital. After we got there it took thirty seconds to find a wheel chair and another thirty seconds of arguing about weather I needed it or not. After I lost the argument it took two minutes to get to skylight ward and one minute of confusion as to what ward I was in. It then took a nurse a further three minuets to find a vain in my hand and 30 seconds to start the 24 hour rescue drip. All in all it took exactly 21 minutes and thirty seconds to start me on the 24 hour drip feed. Emmet was 11 minutes 30 seconds out. I suppose he was close.
Losing Emmet
My tears betrayed me; long flowing rivers of them where spilling down over my cheeks as I flexed my hand with the needle in and watch my blood creep back up the tube to the stopper. This was the only comfort I felt now I was back in sky light and that in itself was sad.
Emmet came with me to the ward. Telling Esmee he was going to stay with me till change of shift so she didn’t have to worry about sending someone else over to cover for him, but he sat there cold and almost unreachable, had I really done this to him as well? Was there no one I couldn’t destroy?
“
Good god I’m sorry!” I suddenly snapped turning my attention to Emmet and losing control of the crying so my sobs became long and loud for a few seconds. Emmet just looked at me, his expression distant and unreadable; He seemed confused.
“
What for honey?”
“
You’re angry at me!” I wailed at him turning into a five you old having a tantrum. The other patients in the word stopped to stare at me but there was nothing I could do to become less conspicuous. I new I could not cope with losing him as well. “You have given up on me!” I yelled letting the sobbing take me again for a second. “Well I’m stupid and I’m sorry, and, and…” I banged the mattress with my fist in frustration. There was nothing I could say to change what had been done.
“
Wow, calm down honey.” Emmet said taking my hand in his firmly to stop me from bashing it again, “there is no way I am angry with you and second, I never ever give up on any one. I was not talking to you for two reasons. One being I thought that you might very well be angry with me right now and second I thought you might need a bit of time to cry it out. There is nothing you can do or say that will make me give up on you Mi.”
How do you solve a problem like my anger?
It took me about an hour all in all to stop crying completely. Weather I was crying with sadness, or from relief that I was not losing Emmet to my stupidity I wasn’t sure but all I did know was my face hurt and my checks where red and swollen from my weeping. Emmet continued to say nothing but he didn’t let go of my hand again.
“
I am sorry though.” I finally said when I was completely composed. Emmet let go of my hand and sat back on his chair with his hands above his head. He raised his eye brows at me waiting for me to explain.
“
I was rude to you.” I muttered looking down at my lap.
“
Maybe a very little bit, but I understand.”
“
Well you shouldn’t!” I snapped more to myself then him. “What right did I have exactly? I am so angry at myself.”
“
You don’t like anger do you Mi.” Emmet commented seeing my grip tighten on the blanket below me.
“
Anger is dangerous for me. I lose control when I am angry.”
“
Then you hurt your self?”
“
There is a fire some where in me and I feel like it is destroying the whole world around me and it feels like I am making it happen. Like some how the anger I feel is so deep it has the power to melt and destroy every thing my eyes touch even the good things and I can’t control it. I have to cut to get that back, to focus my self.”
“
So how are we going to deal with it now then because I can’t let you hurt your self can I?”
I hadn
’t thought that far ahead.
You want disturbed I will show you disturbed.
Some say the world will end in fire,
Some say in ice.
From what I've tasted of desire
I hold with those who favor fire.
But if it had to perish twice,
I think I know enough of hate
To say that for destruction ice
Is also great
And would suffice.
Some say in ice.
From what I've tasted of desire
I hold with those who favor fire.
But if it had to perish twice,
I think I know enough of hate
To say that for destruction ice
Is also great
And would suffice.
Robert Frost
“
Do you feel you are going to be safe dealing with this Mi or should I see if they have a side word we can be put into till you feel a bit better? Maybe you could try out some distractions that I know.”
I opened my mouth to answer him but wasn
’t able to. I hadn’t thought about the fact I needed to self harm and I was in a hospital bed on one to one observations. I had been kidding my self that when the urge became to much, when I found I couldn’t breathe for it any more I could just slip away and get a razor blade and carve my feelings into my flesh. I also new that distraction was also useless it was like telling someone who really needed the loo not to think about it and it would go away., it never did, it only ever got worse but still that was the advice people where given. Of course now I needed to cut, I needed to cut desperately and with out the opportunity to do so I needed it more then ever and slowly it was finding its way to crush me again. My body started to shake and I rapidly flexed my hand with the drip in causing the blood to pump up the tube. It was not enough, I wanted to see it flow out of me I wanted it to crash all around me, I wanted to drown in the red gold.
Emmet who did not need any more of an answer then my frantic shaking and gripping of my hands reached over my bed and pulled the nurses call button off of it’s stand giving it a squeeze. A low beep came from the nurses station out side some where up the hall and amber light flashed above my cubical.
“
You could have just gone and got a nurse.” I said prodding at the canola in my hand so I could feel the throbbing of the vain underneath; Just sitting there taunting me with it’s presence. It would have been so easy to expose it fully.
“
I am not aloud to leave you remember.” Emmet said leaning over and taking both of my hands gently in his, his thumbs rubbing the backs of them. “I also can’t let you hurt your self.”
I tried to jerk my hands away from his but he held on tighter to them so I wobbled my legs making the bed rock. I started to breath faster to unable to catch my breath as my chest squeezed in on it’s self.
“
Come now honey, I want you to take big deep breaths for me Ok. In through your nose and out through your mouth. It will help, I promise.”
I squeezed my eyes tight and did what he asked though it took more effort than I had in me. I managed six deep long drawn out breaths before I felt the familiar elastic bands constricting around me and the hollow empty screaming in my head for my own bloody form of therapy. I squealed out in half pain half frustration while I began to rock my body back and forth banging my legs against the mattress, praying that somewhere in me a vain would burst open to grant me release.
“
Should some one as disturbed as that really be on a normal children’s word?” The woman sat next to the patient in the bed next to me asked in the dirtiest voice she could manage as she pulled her chair in closer to the bed and wiped down her skirt like some how I had made her dirty.
“
I mean my son is very sick and needs rest, surly there should be a different place for some one like her I mean what if she decides to massacre all the other patients in there sleep.” The woman shuddered looking over her shoulder and scowling at me.
Every thing then overwhelmed me. The small fire of anger that was inside me exploded in an inferno of heat sound and fury and I couldn’t control it any longer. I wanted to jump from my bed and tackle the bitch to the floor. I wanted to rip and stab and punch the living day lights out of her then I wanted to laugh at her as she cried and screamed out.
Then there was the loathing for myself and the need to punish my self for my evil thoughts, The punishment just for being me and It came in the form of a block of ice banging into my body and sending me soaring back into the red hot anger of the fire and I couldn’t help it. I couldn’t stop it. There was nothing I could do and it was killing everything and I was drowning in the smoke and water unable to breath, unable to reach the surface.
I pulled my hands free of Emmet’s and ripped the drip clean out the back of my hand not feeling the pain that it should of caused, and suddenly not caring about the blood the spurted from it. I needed something more, something better, something that could show every one how disturbed I was and I new What it was. I jumped to my feet and took off to the other side of the ward; I new my goal
searching the wheelie cabinet of supplies I tore open the draws one by one and fumbled around with frantic hands for something I could use. Then in the second draw down I found it. The metal gleaming up at me from with in its sterile packet. The surgical scissors.
Grabbing them with shaking hands I ripped off the plastic with my teeth before opening them to revile there sharp edge. Then looking at the horror struck woman in the corner I let a smile emerge upon my face showing my teeth before with all the strength I could put behind it I slashed the scissors over my wrist and watched breathing heavily as the red gold pumped up to hit me in the face and then poured like a river onto the floor.
He shouldn’t lie but it wasn’t half funny.
After the initial rush I sank to the floor and sat in the pool of my own blood that had formed there. My mind knew what I should be doing and it went over it calmly in my head. I should hold my arm above my head and I should put pressure on the wound, but I couldn’t, the blood was utterly beautiful and as it streamed out of me I couldn’t bare to see it stop.
“
Ok honey.” I suddenly heard from behind me as two hands came over my shoulder and grasped the long drawn out wound going across my wrist throwing it up into the air but the blood seemed determined, at least more determined then Emmet’s grip and the blood poured through his fingers , running down my arm soaking into the sleeve.
“Can I have some help in here please?” I heard Emmet yell over his shoulder in the deepest loudest voice I ever heard him use. I flinched back into him. “Will you go and get some Damn help!” I heard Emmet growl over at the woman who had thought I was dangerous and who was now staring at me with her mouth open; It looked like I had confirmed her suspicions.
“
Here.” Another voice said to Emmet as he continued to growl at the woman. “Looks like you need this.” The girl two beds down and opposite mine was now standing next to us in her pyjamas holding out a compression bandage from the trolley to Emmet.
“
Thanks.” Emmet said to the girl then very carefully pealed back one of his hands from the wound a stream of blood flowed down over his other hand before he took the bandage off of the girl popped it open and wrapped the bandage so tightly around my arm it felt like it would explode out of it like something from the incredible hulk.
“
Do they always ignore you in here or is today a special occasion?” Emmet asked grinding his teeth as he popped open another compression bandage and started wrapping it around my arm again.
“
They respond eventually.” the girl shrugged.
“
Well eventually isn’t good enough right now, sorry about this girls, I know I shouldn’t lie but,“Cardiac arrest!” Emmet bellowed before adding in a lower tone for us. “If that doesn’t get there attention I am making a formal complaint.”
Sarcasm is fantastic!
As expected Emmet’s hollering of cardiac arrest got the nurses, doctors and every one else’s attention. The girl who had offered up the bandages laughed at Emmet’s blatant over reacting which was infectious which got me laughing to even though I was now feeling a bit dizzy and my eye lids grew heavy.
“
Sorry if I interrupted you from you tea brake or anything.” Emmet said sarcastically as the hoard of doctor’s and nurses came in pushing complicated equipment, “but this is really quite important, as you can see there is no cardiac arrest as I am not performing CPR so you can put down the debfib machine now .” Emmet complimented eying up the doctor who held the paddles at the ready. He seemed disappointed that he wouldn’t get to use them. “However due to some very unfortunate comments made by that young lads visitor over there Mi has not been able to control her urge to self harm and has cut her arm, unfortunately in turn this has done quite a bit of damage to her wrist. I did call for help twice but it seems we are in the practise of letting the patients be the nursing staff here, however now you are here is there any chance one of you doctors could take a look at Mi’s arm and perhaps page a surgeon as I imagine emergency surgery will be needed. Oh and would one of you nurses be a sweetie and give that lovely young woman there a lesson in mental health. I think she needs it.”
Ok I knew I shouldn’t have laughed and it was increasingly becoming harder for me to keep my eyes open but Emmet’s sarcasm towards the doctors and nurses in that instant made everything better. Almost.
In the arms of a friend.
“
and I find it kind of funny,
I find it kind of sad,
The dreams in which I’m dying are the best I’ve ever had,
I find it hard to tell you,
I find it hard to take
When things just go in circles it’s a very, very
Mad world
Mad world
Tears for fears
“
Mi, Mia! Stay awake!” Emmet yelled in my ear as my head began to drift off again into nothingness. His voice brought me back to earth and I opened my eyes and smiled up into his face. Other nurses and doctors now also buzzed around me wrapping more and more bandages around my arm as the blood soaked through them but somehow I managed to block them out, they didn’t matter as much as Emmet. Realising I had sank back into Emmet I tried to wedge my self up again but my heavy body didn‘t want to move.“Relax baby.” Emmet said gently as I struggled to move again“I’m not going to hurt you.”
I am more worried about destroying your clothes, bloods a bitch to get out.” I smiled at him blinking heavily as my eye lids became almost imposable to open.
“
Don’t worry about my clothes they are really old any way.” Emmet said gently rubbing the top half of my body roughly as I closed my eyes against his chest again. I didn’t care if I died there and then. In fact it would be perfect if I died. It was a sad dream but the only one I really ever had these days. All I ever wanted to do was die. My life was sad and depressing and never brought me all that much comfort. It would be a dream come true to die warm and in the arms of a friend.
Waking up three
My eyes where heavy but I opened them any way. My arm ached and stung with such a searing pain I gasped and rolled over to grab hold of it but with that the nausea hit and I vomited into a bowl that was under my chin.
“
It’s the general Anaesthetic.” Said Josh. A very tall slim man with a mop of curly light brown hair that sat upon his head that did exactly what it wanted when it wanted. Josh was one of the nicer members of staff in apple gate house though I had only seen him a couple of times when he was doing my observations and we had never talked in any great depth but still he seemed kind, at least he did have the venom in his voice that some of them had.
“
My arm hurts” I moaned at him flumping my head back down onto the pillows, it still felt to groggy to move coherently.
“
I am not surprised.” Josh said “You must of put some force behind those scissors to get down as deep as you did.”
“
What? Where am I?” I moaned once again trying to pull my head up off of the pillows.
“
Recovery.” Said another Woman who now hovered over my face. She looked in her mid forties with stern features and an even sterner greying short cropped hair style. She did not look good for her age but that might have been because it felt like I was looking at everyone from underwater at that moment.
“
I am Doctor Shrayger and I did your operation. It was a really good success; I might have even helped your recovery from your last arm injury as well but please Mi, be more gentile with your self in the future.
Big toe.
The next time I woke up I was back on the word Where Ingrid was occupying a lounging chair next to my bed with her bare feet propped up on the side of the mattress reading from an e-book reader while twiddling her hair around one finger. It must have been night in the ward now as all the lights where turned off with just a few of the bedside lights as the only sources of illumination available.
“
Oh hi honey!” Ingrid said with a big smile on her face putting down the reader on the floor next to her while taking her legs off of the side of my bed.
“
You can keep them up there if you want.” I said gently tapping the place where her feet had been with my good arm “They don’t bother me.”
“
Oh thanks Hon.” Ingrid said smiling replacing her feet on the bed. She wore pink socks with a big whole In them where her big toe stuck out revelling her bright pink Barbie style nail varnish. She giggled as she wiggled it. “Oh I’m sorry, I am wearing my old socks!”
“
There great.” I crocked. My throat felt like it had been rubbed by sand paper.
“
Do you want some water.” Ingrid asked
“
Oh please.” I crocked again.
“
What about some Morphine?” She asked again.
I could off kissed her. My arm burned with an agony that felt like it would be better if it was chopped of completely.
“
Oh god yeah!” I said enthusiastically, Ingrid giggled again and got up slipping her feet into her trainers and opening the corner of one of the brightly coloured cartons before she hesitated.
“
Your not going to do anything stupid if I leave you for a few seconds are you?” She asked sternly eyeing me up and down. I shook my head “Promise me Mi.” She said again her voice tight with authority. I don’t think I had ever heard Ingrid be so official before.
“
I promise.”
“
Don’t let me down OK,” Ingrid said winking before leaving through the curtains. What I hated the most was the fact my mind couldn’t help but think that here I had an opportunity, Here I could do some damage. Here was a perfect opportunity to find some weapons to use. God I was sick in the head.
I’m proud of you.
Looking around the cubical I struggled to find something that could be used to hurt my self with. If not to use there and then I would try to horde it in the lining of one of my bras, but all there was where the pins on the tiny pin board behind me and the four drips above my head that ran into my body through my hands. I had no Idea what ran into me apart from two. One was the deep dark red substance with a giant A written on it and the other was in a very large bag with rescue drip feed written on it in big letters while in little letters underneath 48 hours was written. It seemed that the sentence for slitting you wrist in a hospital was an extra 24 hours worth of calories.
“
Oh my god are you going to just sit there and take that?” Do you realise what that will do to you. Look at your stomach. It’s all ready fatter. Suck it in you fat bitch!”
I instantly sucked in my tummy and locked down at the bulge of fat that discussed me, with out thinking I pulled the tubes that come out of my hands up around me and posed a pin from the board at the ready to make the little holes in the tubes so the calorie liquid could flow away. If they never new it would never hurt them and this way I also wouldn’t get any fatter.
I made five holes in the tube close together causing tiny spurts of the liquid to flow away into a vomit bowel I held underneath. This of course made Sophie very happy and she purrede like a contented kitten; I was happy too, I think. The trouble was the images that floated to the top of my mind. The image of the painfully thin girl that looked sadly back at me from the mirror. The girl Emmet said was me and if that was true, I needed this drip, I needed it badly.
“
The nurse will come with the morphine in a minute.” Ingrid said cheerfully entering back into the room of curtains. Her simile seemed far to warm and sincere for me to lie to and in a moment of brilliance or complete madness I cracked open and told her what I had done.
“
Ingrid can you help me. I have done something stupid.” I whispered holding up the damaged tube from the drip to show her what I had done. I naturally expected the anger to follow but instead she smiled at me.
“
We can sort that out Mi, you have done amazingly well for telling me, I’m proud of you.”
Upside down
The next time I woke up I was upside down , literally.
“
What? Bloody hell!” I shouted though a glued up throat as I got my senses back. I was so far on my head looking up at my feet that I thought I would slip right off of the end and land in a perfect handstand, which of course would have been OK if I felt like doing one but at that moment it was the last thing on my list. In my muddle I grabbed onto the sides of the bed and the angry pain rippled up my arm. Two thing surprised me about that, one was the fact that the grip of my effected hand was a lot better then it usually was, and two was the fact it hurt quite as much as it did. I squeaked out at the terrible agony and thrashed my legs in protest of the pain but the movement almost caused me to do a backward roll off of the bed and into the drips behind me. I squealed again, trying to find a way to grip on.
“
Jacob help her!” I heard Emmet Shout as I heard his foot steps run over to my bed. “Wowa, wowa.” He hushed softly grabbing hold of my shoulders tightly and pushing my legs back flat down. “Your OK honey I got you.” He hushed again as I struggled, feeling like he was pushing me further backwards.
“I got you, I won’t let you fall you can trust me.” He encouraged and I instantly lied still like he said to do.
“
What’s happened?” I heard Emmet ask Jacob as he kicked a chair underneath him and sat down still holding my shoulders gently, “What’s with all the heart monitors and things?” He asked again the edge of annoyance in his voice now a lot more clearer.”
“
I don’t know.” Jacob groaned.
“
Heart monitor?” I yelled jumping again Emmet held me firmer, not in a restraining way but in a comforting way.
“
Morphine overdose, I think” Jacob shrugged again. Emmet went white.
Who’s fault is it?
“
Don’t worry, it wasn’t a bad one and it wasn’t Mia’s fault any way.” Jacob muttered while shrugging his shoulders still staring at the article in his games magazine. Apparently 30 hits and tips for Pokemon games were more important then my supposed suicide attempt; though saying that I couldn’t remember taking Morphine; my god had things really got that bad?
“
Oh well that’s all right then if it wasn’t a bad overdose,” Emmet snapped sarcastically thunder flashing through his normally calm eyes. “And yes damn right it isn’t Mi’s fault; she is on red observations remember! Now I know I Haven’t worked in a general word for quite some time but I am sure they don’t just leave Morphine hanging around on the side. So why the hell wasn’t she being watched?” Emmet said raising his voice to an almost shout while flinging his arms in the air. As an instinct I cringed away and tried to cover my head; raised hands generally meant I was going to get smacked.
“
It wasn’t any one’s fault but the doctor who proscribed it!” Jacob snapped getting to his feet and squaring up to Emmet, Somehow I had managed to get my self in the middle of two raging bulls with no way out. Fear gripped violently at me, tears coming with the nausea that raged inside of my stomach which wasn’t helped by the fact that I was still lying with my feet in the air.
“
The doctor didn’t allow for Mi’s weight issues!” Jacob bellowed even louder thumping his hand down onto the railings on the side of my bed with a clatter making the whole bed jump.
I would of screamed in the fear that encased me so fully but as always when I thought I was going to get hurt the silence took me as well; I learnt it would pass quicker if I didn’t scream.
“
That’s enough.” Esmee said striding into the situation flashing her eyes sternly at both Jacob and Emmet. “Look at what you are doing, she is terrified, Esmee hissed again glancing her now fiery eyes in my direction. “Now Jacob go home, and Emmet go and cool down,” She ordered and they both did what they where told with out question.
“ I am sorry about them honey.” Esmee soothed taking my good hand in hers and squeezing it her voice transferring
back to the loving caring one I was used to. “None of them would hurt you, and Emmet just got a bit annoyed as he though you where aloud to harm your self but his issues weren’t with you.”
“
I’m scared, I thought… and the way… with the way… they where so angry.” I stuttered through my panicked breathing.
“
It’s OK, It’s OK.” Esmee soothed smoothing back my hair off of my face with the other hand. “I know you scared and that’s OK but I’m right here OK, I’m right here and you know I will never let anything hurt you. You have got to believe me on that.”
I checked her eyes for sincerity and to my surprise, they where.
Chocolate makes the world go round
The rest of that day past upside down in a blur of beeping machines blood pressure cuffs drips and blood test with a fair amount of day time television thrown in for good measure before finally at the end of the day a nurse came in with a smiley face and announced that the doctor was now happy with all the test and I could have the various monitors out of me and at last return to an upright position on the bed.
“Are
You feeling OK? The nurse asked me looking into my face as she returned my bed slowly to an upright position.
“
Bit dizzy.” I mumbled as the ward swam around my eyes like I was in a over grown fish bowl.
“
That will ease in a bit OK. It just because you have been lied back for a fair old while now.” The nurse smiled again keeping her head in my line of vision until it solidified fully.
“
Better?”
“
Much,” I nodded
“
Well call us if you need anything.” The nurse smiled turning away opening the curtains back around my bed then heading off out to the nurses station.
“
Back with the rest of us then Cup cake?” Jean asked looking at me with her same old smiling face . “You up for playing a board game or something? There is nothing on TV.”
“
Can do.” I nodded my eyes creeping over the ward until they fell on the girl two beds down that had helped when I cut my wrist the day before. She was sat on the end of her bed crossed legged looking over in our direction. “Do you want to play to.” I offered her knowing she had been listening into are conversation any way, plus board games where always better with three playing.
“
Oh do I!” She said in an existed voice jumping up from her position on the bed grabbing a little box of chocolates from her bed side table on her way over before she plonked them on the lap table over my bed “Have a chocy.” She encouraged nodding towards the box. I noticed Jean scrutinising my reaction out the corner of my eye as I stared at my nemesis that had intruded my cubical, they where about as welcome as a cat in a dog kennel and Jean new this; she also had no idea who I would react.
“
I don’t normally eat chocolate” I mumbled
“
I can tell that,” she nodded pulling a chair up to my bed from the cubical next to me before diving into the box her self and unwrapping the shiny foil around the chocolate. “All the more reason to have one if you ask me. Chocolate makes the world go round after all she laughed popping it into her mouth.
I almost growled in my frustration at how easy it was for her. Why couldn’t I do what she had just done? Why was it so much harder then that for me? I absolutely adored the taste of chocolate, it had once easily been my favourite food and now I was at war just looking at it.
“
Oh my god Mia I can‘t believe you are even thinking about chocolate! How could you betray me like that? You know all food is bad Mia, you know all food is just there to make you fat but you know chocolate is the worse just looking at it you will put on weight. Remember the moto Mia, nothing taste as good as thin feels, that will make you perfect, that will make you just like me.”
With out thinking what I was really doing I leant forward to the box and swiped a chocolate before swiftly unwrapping it and shoving it in my mouth and chewing a normal amount of times before swallowing. I was starting to think if being Skinny meant being like Sophie did I really want it all that much?
Summers coming home
“
So then. What’s your name.?” The girl from across the ward asked throwing another chocy into my lap which I discreetly placed onto my bedside table, I would try to eat it but later but Sophie was now screaming at me like I had just murdered her cat and there was no way I could cope with her getting any louder.
“
Mia, but every one calls me Mi.” I said pressing the button in the middle of the frustration board and moving my token as a distraction from the screaming, For now I was strong, for now I would not let Sophie win
“
I’m summer by the way. You came In a few days after me. I’m 16 how about you?”
“
15, 16 soon.”
“
Your from there aren’t you,” Summer said looking at the floor next to me my bed. Apple gate house?” My throat instantly clammed up and I felt sick as Sophie roared with piercing laughter. So this was what her apparent friendship was all about. I was the main new attraction in a freak show and by showing me some kindness like a normal human, was just a way to get up close and personal with the freak. My eyes spotted over with tears and I instantly got angry with my self. I always wasted my tears these days.
“
Oh no. It’s OK.” Summer said noticing my begging look at Jean to do something. “I mean if it mattered do you think I would still be sitting here and playing a game with you after you slit your wrist’s on the ward. I just wanted to know what it was like in there.”
“
If you want to take the piss out of me summer just do it and go away. “ I moaned quietly to my self scratching at the bandage on my arm. Jean leant over the bed and pulled my hand away causing my humiliation to take me further, did she have to be so obvious?
“
Why would I take the piss out of you Mi. I am being admitted there tomorrow it will just be good to have one friend while I am there.”
Get through this together.
Good times they will come and go
Hard times we will surely know
But our love will pull us through
And if at times you feel you´re sailing stormy weather
With your hand in mine we’ll face this world together
Hard times we will surely know
But our love will pull us through
And if at times you feel you´re sailing stormy weather
With your hand in mine we’ll face this world together
It’s not a dream
Sharon Corr
“
What?” I stuttered in confusion. Shaking my head in disbelief. “I mean why? You look so, well normal and well happy.”
“
That doesn’t mean I am.” Summer mumbled looking down at the floor again “I thought you might understand that. It was comforting when you came, and I know it sounds insensitive but even when you slit your wrists I felt comforted, for the first time ever it let me know that I wasn’t the only one that felt like doing that sometimes.”
With out really thinking what I was doing I leant out my good hand and placed it on top of summers
“
I do understand.” I whispered. “I know what it’s like to feel nothing inside, to know what it’s like to want to die. To know what it’s like to feel all alone even when your in a room full of people, but your going to be OK and your right I will be there, we can get through it together.”
Counting’s clear, nothing else is exact.
I waited tapping my foot nervously up against the side of the sink and fiddling with my hands. The seconds had apparently turned into hours and as I glanced at my watch again I shouted at it for being so slow as it was telling me only another 15 seconds had passed. I moaned and got to my feet pacing up and down the gang way in the bathroom grumbling as I went about time, and why the earth had to rotate so slowly.
“
Your going to wear a hole in the carpet Mi moo.” Arabella said from her perch on the side of the bath. She seemed far to calm for the situation, maybe it would be different if she where in my shoes, if she was the one waiting to see if her world was about to be turned upside down.
“
Does it look like I care?” I said pacing harder counting the steps it took me to get from one end of the bathroom to the other and then working it out how many I had taken all together. I liked counting. Counting made me calm. Counting and sums where always set, the answers always the same. Even in a world that might end at any time if you did the sum 6 x 6 in the seconds before you died the answer would still be 36. Know one could argue about weather it was right or wrong, There where no various factors to consider, There was no passion needed.
“
You can look now.” Arabella said disturbing me as I tried to work out what 19 x 9 was in my head.
“
Look at what?” I snapped as I pinched down hard on the back of my hand, my own personal brand of punishment for not working out the answer to the question fast enough.
“
Umm, your pregnancy test.” Arabella said pointing to the side of the room where the stick balanced precariously on the edge of the sink waiting for me; waiting to destroy.
I walked over slowly to the sink counting exactly how many paces it took and leant out a shaking hand to pick up the pregnancy test, I suddenly wasn’t in that much of a hurry to find out what was written but I new I had no choice, so With one final big steadying breath I slowly turned the test around so I could see the display on the front.
She is Beautiful
That night after we where told by the nurse that Summer had to go back to her bed I watched her for a long time until she fell soundly asleep before I allowed Andrea (Who had taken over from jean at nine to do the night shift) to Pull the curtains around me. I felt a new protective attitude towards her and wished beyond all else that for a moment I could only read her mind. I wanted to know the thoughts that swam around behind her eyes, to know what made her sad. I would give anything to know all the secrets she was hiding, To know what had hurt her before. Until finally at about one that morning I fell into sleep as well.
That morning despite going to sleep late I woke up to find Andrea was still next to my bed from the night shift her nose in a book and her legs curled up in the lounging chair next to me.
“
Morning” I whispered
“
Ahh, morning Mi.” Andrea said in her strong Scottish ascent folding the corner on the page of her book before flopping it on to the floor with a little thud.
“
You can carry on reading if you want.” I said feeling guilty for disturbing her.
“
I know that. “ Andrea said stretching out her body in a cat like fashion and giving out a yawn. “But I will be going home soon any way.” She said glancing at her watch. “ there you are look at that for timing there’s my replacement now.” She said smiling towards the door.
I turned to see Emmet come into the ward first and then Esmee who was pushing a pink buggie that contained a little girl with bright ginger hair that cascaded down to her shoulders in lose waves like Esmee‘s. I couldn’t see her face as she was looking down at the toy steering weal that was clipped to the front of the bugggie but I could imagine how pretty she was. This must have been baby Mia, Emmet’s and Esmee’s daughter.
“
Morning.” Andrea said before I could. “Gave Emmet a lift in did you Esmee? She asked shoving the book she was reading into her hand bag before getting to her feet and stretching her self out again.
“
Yep, I will be going soon.” Esmee said smiling
“
Anything particularly important happen?” Emmet asked.
“
Nope. A good night I believe. Do you want a brief hand over though?”
“
Yes please. Esmee won’t mind staying with Mi for a bit.”
“
That’s fine.” Esmee said smiling sweetly taking the Seat Andrea sat on before as Emmet and Andrea walked out of the ward for a hand over in the office behind the nurses station.
“
I take it this is Mia?” The little girl in the buggy looked up at the sound of her name and studied my face. As expected she was adorable A perfect match to Esmee apart from her eyes, she had Emmet’s eyes just more striking against her ginger waves.
“
It is indeed.” Esmee said smiling as she leant forward and smoothed down her daughters hair while she made a face causing Mia to laugh loudly before she jumped up and down in the buggy unable to contain her excitement.
“
Mia baby, this Is Mi. She’s one of mummy’s friends.” Esmee said pointing in my direction to draw Mia’s attention to me.
“
Doggy!” Mia squealed once again letting out the full devastating power of her laugh showing her two front teeth as she tried to wave a little uncoordinated with one of her hands.
The tears made my throat clogged before I could centre my self to push them away, She was too good and new and pure to be anywhere near me yet I wanted her to be there, she made things seam different.
“
Gosh she is beautiful.” Was the only thing I could whisper as the tears spilled out of my eyes and down over my cheeks.
With her life
Sweet heart.” Esmee said concerned on seeing my tears as she got to her feet and come to sit on the edge of my bed next to me. “What are you crying for my love?” She asked gently trying to embrace me in an awkward hug. It appeared that my tears had surprised her the same way they had surprised me. Why was I crying over a toddler?
“
I’m not sure.” I squeaked rubbing the tears out of my eyes. “ I know it is stupid, I’m sorry, I will pull my self together.” I confirmed to Esmee punishing my self internally for letting my foolish tears take me at such a stupid time.
“
Your not stupid Mi, if you feel like crying cry, I’m just worried it was something I did.”
“
Doogy up, Doogy up!” Mia suddenly squeaked throwing her arms in the air and jumping up and down as much as she could against the restraints of the buggy. It appeared like most toddlers Mia did not like being ignored for long and Esmee had been spending all of her attention on me. This realisation made another twist of hatred for my self grip at my body, who was I to keep a mother from her little daughter?
“
Patients little Miss. Mummy was talking.” Esmee smiled crouching down in front of the buggy, tickling Mia under her arm before picking her up and holding her to her hip. For some reason my heart ached to be Esmee right then. The whole of me wanted nothing more then to have Mia in my arms but I new that was never an option, Esmee and Emmet might have treated me well but there was no way they would every trust me with something as precious and amazing as their daughter.
“
No mummy, Mia want doogy!” Mia grumbled pointing with both her hands over to the bed.
“
Do you mind?” Esmee asked me
“
Mind what?” I responded confused, I had nothing on me or near me that she might of wanted.
“
Letting her sit on your lap for a bit. She can be very persuasive when she want to be.” Esmee muttered now fighting to keep her grip on the squirming Mia.
“
You trust me with your daughter.” I stuttered astonished at what I was hearing coming from Esmee’s mouth.
“
Of course Mi you couldn’t hurt a fly; especially not a child. I would trust you with her life.”
Turned to dust
Before I could argue how it was utterly stupid to trust me with something so precious Esmee swooped down and placed Mia on my lap which made Mia giggle before leaning over and placing her hand on my face. I kissed the palm of it gently and tickled her belly making her squeal in delight while clapping her hands.
I soon got lost in Mia‘s face and became oblivious to the rest of the world around me, if I could have be aloud to stay like I was then for ever my life would be worth living, I could see hope but no good thing could ever last and I jumped as Emmet’s voice intruded in on my bubble.
“
I see you two are getting along then.” Emmet laughed leaning over and messing up Mia’s hair before taking his seat in the lounging chair next to my bed.
“
Esmee said it’s OK.” I mumbled stopping playing with Mia so she slapped me in the face in protest with a spongy hand When I still didn’t respond she started squeaking at me in annoyance.
“
Don’t look so scared Mi. Of course it’s OK.” Emmet smiled “She would soon let you and the rest of the world know if it wasn’t.”
Mia unwilling to wait any longer for my attention found the handy attachment to my face and gave it a yank.
“
Woawa.” I screeched a bit startled As I felt the tube pull up in my throat which made me gag involuntarily.
“
Amelia no.” Esmee corrected in her firm voice swooping down and taking her off of my lap which made Mia howl in protest. She had no idea what she had done wrong, no idea what her mother was telling her no for. She didn’t know that pulling the tube would hurt me, it was my fault for having the stupid thing there in the first place.
“I will take her out.” Esmee said sadly to Emmet who was all ready on my bed with the cup of water from my table in his hands pointing the straw toward my mouth.
“
Drink.” He encouraged, but I shock him off thinking I was going to be sick. “Mi, drink,” He said again firmly, “Remember when we put it in you had to drink to get it down, well Mia’s pulled it up a bit and this will get it back down again.”
I leant forward and drank from the straw while Emmet used the hand that wasn’t holding the cup to push the tube back down until it was in again.
“
All done Mi.” Emmet said sweetly but all I could do was whack my fist into the mattress next to me before leaning forward and sobbing this time loudly into my hands. Why was it everything I touched, everything that mattered, turned to dust in my hands?
Blood lust
“
Ok, sweetie, lets take it easy. I can tell you are feeling some really big things here and it think we should try and talk through them before they over weal you completely.”
He had no idea; all thoughts immediately over weald me, that
’s what made them all so completely unbearable, that was way I liked it in my state of educed numbness, numbness felt strange but it was better then the feelings, feelings hurt.
“
Right first off I just want to make sure your not crying because you are in physical pain.”
“
No.”
“
Well that’s a good start, but what is it that you are feeling right now? Is it one thing or lots of things and is there any way I can help? Emmet asked softly his voice almost a whisper
“
Stupid, that‘s what it is! I fell so fucking stupid!” I sobbed harder bashing my fists down again missing the mattress on the bed and hitting the metal with a clang. I had not meant to do this and pain that shot threw my wrist just made my anger grow. I was losing it to the furry. The rising red clouds of anger where going to win over me at any second. I was so mad with my self, so completely furious at every atom that made me and I wanted to destroy every one of them too.
“
What’s stupid honey.” Emmet asked softly leaning forward and holding onto my hands so I couldn’t bash them. It felt like he might as well have stopped me breathing.
“
Me,” I yelled through my sobbing “Me and this stupid Fucking tube!” I wailed trying to wrestle my good hand out of Emmet’s grips so I could conduct another attack on the metal.
“
No, no, no, I want to hang on to these,” Emmet said holding onto my hands tighter making his grip as strong as cast iron bindings.
“
Let them go,” I wailed like a child that couldn‘t get their own way,“Please let them go” I begged as my whole body began to hurt; the nausea creeping up my throat and the elastic bands constricting around my body like a bower constrictor. I couldn’t breathe through the tightness and I couldn’t see through the gathering red mist, the situation felt all so helpless, there would be no reprieve.
“
No Mi. We are going to talk through this OK. We are going to talk through these complicated feelings and you are going to get through this with out having to hurt your self.” Emmet confirmed in a matter of fact tone, he made it seem as simple as breathing, if only he new it was actually as imposable as walking on water.
“I can‘t, it hurts!” I cried The mussels in my legs and stomach clenching up into tight balls as a protest to my hyperventilation.
“
I know it does honey, but the pain is purely in your head and we are going to make it go away OK. Now I need to take some big calming breaths for me, I bet your muscles are feeling all tight and horrible right now and that is because of your breathing, calming it down will make hit go away.”
I tried to do what I was told, if there was any way that he could save me from the pain it would be Worth taking. The trouble was his expectations where just to high and soon I had to give up letting my breaths become even more accelerated unit it resembled the breathing of a panting dog.
“
I can’t breath.” I complained through my tears as I wrestled again to get my hands out of Emmet’s.
“
Mi, you are having a panic attack and your hyperventilating which is going to make you feel ten times worse in the long run, now you really need to try. We will do it together OK. Now breath with me.” Emmet said taking in a deep breath through his nose.
“
No,no,no,no,no!” I squeaked my breathing becoming yet faster and the balls in my legs tighter. He had no idea the pain I was in, it may have only been a panic attack but to me it felt like I was being tutored so With one final pull I yanked my hands free of Emmet’s but had no time to do anything before he was on my bed behind me wrapping his arms around my shoulders and bracing my back against his chest in the familiar restraint.
“
Let me go. I protested violently” Thumping my head hard back against his chest in a hope that he might drop me.
“
Can I have some help in here please!” Emmet yelled over his shoulder to the entrance of the ward.
“
Let go of me!” I protested again trying to wriggle my body out from under his arms.
“
Shhh, calm down honey calm down.” Emmet soothed but there was nothing that could be done to stop me. I had been consumed in the anger and the fear I had been swallowed by the silent screams and I needed more blood to flow to make me better ,to make the bad go away. My own personal kind of blood lust. Only after my fix would my need become sedated.
Esmee I’m really scared
“
get the fucking hell off of me!” I raged at Emmet struggling so hard against his arms I thought it would brake all my ribs too because of the pressure on them, but he would not let go, and I would not give up.
“
Mi, stop it!” Emmet shouted firmly at me “I am not going to let you go when you have lost control like this. You need to calm down and until you can do that I am going to Have to keep you restrained. Emmet said sternly even though he tried to agugst his grip on me so there wasn’t as much pressure on my ribs.
“Mi stop,“
Esmee instructed me taking her position on my legs to help Emmet with his restraint. I whimpered in my protest and tried to wriggle away but Esmee kept me still and in her line of vision, “Mi stop, stop.” Esmee instructed in the same tone again making sure her gaze never broke from mine.
“I can’t stop,” I snarled trying to wiggle out of Emmet’s grip again.
“
You can, I know you can and you also know we will not let you go until you do, you need to calm down.”
“
You have no idea how this feels!” I shouted “You have no idea how much I need to hurt my self right now, or how much I am hurting, to you I am just some silly little girl and maybe that is true but if it is I want out OK! I don’t want to a walking disaster, but no matter what I do I am so I want out! I give in!”
“
I do not think you are a silly girl Mi” Esmee said firmly her eyes suddenly hard, her expression tight.
“
I may not know your pain but I do believe In it and I can see that it hurts, still hurting your self is not a good option for you.”
“
I don’t care what’s good or bad for me! I just want it to go away!” I sobbed
“
I know honey.” Esmee soothed in her musical voice as she came closer to me to wipe the tears off of my cheeks. “The doctors going to give you something to make you sleepy now ok my love. It’s going to make it go away for a bit.” Esmee soothed pushing a strand of hair behind my ear as the doctor stepped to my side and pushed a syringe full of clear liquid into the canola on the back of my hand almost instantly making the room begin to spin around me. Emmet let me go and tried to lie me down back on the bed, of course there was no way I could hurt my self now all my limbs felt like 10 ton weights.
“
Esmee I’m really scared.” I mumbled as my eyes became to heavy to keep open and I was plunged into blackness,
Together
Pregnant. I had to re-read the word looking back at me many times before the reality and the gravity of the situation set in, before I realised that single word would be the most important one of my life; The one that would change it entirely forever.
With my hand clamped across my mouth I dropped the pregnancy test to the floor and turned to the toilet throwing my head down It as I was sick. Nothing made any sense. Every action I took seemed like it was part of a terrible dream and soon I would be woken up if I could only keep my mind.
“
Your pregnant Mi-Moo.” Arabella comforted as she pulled my hair out of the toilet and the vomit. “Don’t be scared. It will be OK. Together we will be fine, we always are, together we can do anything, together we are strong.” and I smiled because I know she was right, she always was. Together we where OK. As long as Arabella was around I could survive.
Drugged up
My head swam around me as I lay with my eyes closed trying to work out if I could open them with out getting travel sick. My limbs where all incredibly heavy and weighted me to my bed making it impossible to move with out the fear I would brake the bed and sink through the floor.
“
My head.” I tried to moan to any one who would listen but it sounded more like a maze of different sounds.
“
It’s the sedative.” I heard a someone say from beside my bed who sounded like Edward. I opened my eyes to check but instantly regretted it as the ward around me spinned like I was on the waltzers.
“
You would be better off trying to sleep it off for a bit longer.” Edward said gently touching my hand. Even his skin felt funny against mine like he had on rubber gloves or something. “They gave you a fairly big dose.”
I groaned ignoring him pushing with all my might up against all the invisible weights that had me glued into the contours of my mattress.
“
No, at least stay lied down for a bit,” Edward insisted pushing me back down onto the bed. A feather could of knocked me out and soon I drifted back into an uncomfortable sleep. What the hell had they drugged me with?
Baby steps
When I was awoken again my head felt more accustomed to being on my shoulders which after the lousy experience last night was a pleasant feeling, also my limbs where not impossible to hold up either which I took as another good sign as well. I could now be classed half way to human.
“
Morning Mi.”
“
Doctor Jordan!” I almost shouted seeing who was sitting next to Emmet on the lounging chair. There was something deeply embarrassing about seeing a psychiatrist when you were in old pyjamas with your hair un-brushed and greasy enough to fry an egg in and at that present moment you could add the fact that I had just woken up still had the tail end of the sedative in me and needed the toilet. fantastic
“
How are you feeling this morning?” Doctor Jordan asked.
“
What the hell was that stuff they give me?” I snapped my head still feeling a little wobbly, as I tried but failed to recall exactly what had happened before I had been drugged.
“
It was a sedative,” I could of told him that “we are going to do a little experiment with you this morning Mi and it’s going to start off with you going off on your own and getting washed and changed, Can you handle that?”
The urge to reach out and slap him in his smug face was incredible, the only reason i needed some damn nosey nurse to accompany me into the bathroom was because he ordered it so, Did he honestly think I liked a nurse watching me?
“
Of course I can!” I snapped, my body instinctively shifting to a defensive position, “They only reason I haven’t been is because you said I couldn’t.”
“
That’s because you told me you where planning to kill your self Mi.” Dr Jordan said in his same annoying tone of authority, why did he always think he was right?
“
Whatever.” I huffed sounding like a true teenager. There was no way I was going to win against him and his delusions of grandeur.
“
Right, good.” Emmet is going to be out side the door, he will also have his foot in the door too for quick access.
“
Your kidding right!” I snapped “I am in a busy hospital ward with loads of people coming and going and you want me to shower with the door open! I know why don’t I just nude up in the middle of the ward and you can hose me down!”
“
Would you prefer a female nurse?” Doctor Jordan asked.
“
I would prefer to have the door closed!” I yelled.
“
One step at a time Mia.” Dr. Jordan confirmed leaning back on the chair “Baby steps.”
I growled at him but admitted defeat as I heaved my self off of the bed to my toiletry bag. His smug smile etched across his face. He had won.
It’s just a shower.
“
Mi are you safe? Emmet asked placing his hand on my back as I hanged over my bed rummaging around for my toiletry bag that had seemed to have grown a pair of legs and walked off.
“
What does that even mean?” I groaned under my breath trying with out much success to follow the scent of toothpaste; I would make a rubbish police dog.
“
It means are you going to be able to do this at the moment with out putting your self in danger?” Dr. Jordan explained. He obviously didn’t get what a rhetorical question was when it came and slapped him in the face.
“
It’s a shower not a pentathlon.” I said finally finding my shower bag and pulling it onto the bed, two tampons rolled out just to embarrass me some more and I grumbled again pushing them back in with force, I didn’t even know why I kept the damn things in there I hadn’t had a period in months.
“
Well if your sure.” Emmet said getting to his feet and extending a hand for me to take to help me off of the bed.
“
What about my arm?” I asked looking at the bandage, taking his hand with my good arm.
"Water proof dressing.” He said smiling We will stop in the treatment room on the way there to put one on.”
How could a shower be so damn complicated?
Like stitches
“
Are you happy for me to do this?” Emmet asked as he gathered all the supply’s together from the various cupboards that he would need. “Or would you prefer one of the ward nurse’s to do it?
“
You can do it. Your always so gentle.” I responded giving him my bandaged arm, he smiled.
Emmet began to unwrap the bandage from around my arm. He was amazingly gentle with me so the pain I felt was very minimal.
. “You have made so much progress in the last month Mi.” Emmet said gently
“
Have you got a screw lose or something Emmet?” I asked “I mean look at me. Look at what your having to do for me.”
“
Mi the first time I saw you where curled up in a ball on your bed rocking back and forth convinced that every one was going to hurt you. Locked in a barricade keeping out everything and everyone. You are someone completely different from that now.”
“
I don’t think I achieved anything.” I groaned turning my head away to look at the pictures from past children that spent some time on the ward, most where well deserved thank yous to the nurses, I had watched them work with the little kids, they where amazing with them.
“
You my honey bunny, wouldn’t, mostly because it has been built into you for years that you aren’t good enough at anything, People have hurt you lots haven’t they Mi?”
I felt the tears rise at the back of my eyes. I wanted to talk to him. I wanted to tell him about Joe about Brian, about my mother and her heavy damn hands, about my pregnancy, but had I really improved all that much. Was I really ready to trust any one like that? They told me know one could know, that even if I did tell know one would believe me, they said that people would laugh at me or be angry at me for making up such lies and I couldn‘t cope with Emmet doing either.
“
Emmet,” I finally sighed defeated. “Emmet I want to talk to you, Honest I really do. I want to talk to you so much but I just can’t. Maybe I haven’t made as much progress as you think I have.” I sighed. “I’m sorry. I have messed up again.”
“
You my darling have nothing to apologize for.” Emmet said softly peeling the dressing off of the long jagged cut to revile a neat line of about ten stitches pulling it all together when it wanted to brake apart. Those stitches reminded me a bit of Emmet. He was constantly pulling me together when I wanted to brake apart.
I trust you
“
There you go honey.” Emmet said, gently rubbing his fingers along the waterproof plaster. “Are you ready to have your shower?” He asked.
“
Yeah it’s going to be great.” I smiled getting out of the chair and walking to the door Emmet following behind and up the corridor till we got to the bath room.
“
Emmet.” I paused trying to think of how to word the question. “Emmet you won’t hurt me. Will you? I asked just before I went to go into the bathroom. I know it was a stupid question but I needed to ask it. I needed to have him say it. I sighed, it was probably the most idiotic thing I could of asked.
“
Mi.” Emmet said holding onto my shoulders gently and gazing right into my eyes. “Mi I know people have hurt you Ok and all I can do is apologize for that. I know you have been hurt and I know that you feel very alone but here and now I will promise and I swear to you on Esmee’s and my little daughters life, I will never hurt you. What ever I do for you Mi I hope you will see in the end I am doing it for your own good.” Emmet said gently but sternly letting go of my shoulders and gently stroking the tears away from my cheeks. “Now if you want a female nurse to be the one out side the door it’s OK and it can be arranged.”
“
Emmet.” I said putting my good hand into his. “I trust you,” and for the first time I really meant it.
Taking over me.
I stared at Emmet’s foot in the door suspiciously as I used the toilet and began to take my clothes off to get into the shower. The bathroom was small and stuffy with the common smell of the hospital anti-septic that always made me feel a little nauseous.
I knew what I was about to do should have been easy, to any one else it would have been but my whole body reacted differently then what was expected. I new what lurked out side of that door. I new there where loads of people that could flood in at any moment and I could become their display, their play thing, and as expected my mind started to play tricks on me, suddenly throwing me back all those years ago to when I was six, to the first time it happened, to the very time I got broken beyond repair.
“
Em…Emmet.” I said in the loudest voice I could form but it was still but a whisper, as I stumbled backward across the bathroom before tripping and landing in a pile on the sticky floor, “Could you help me please.” I stuttered as the flash backs intensified inside my head threatening to take me under completely.
“
Mi,” Came the caring but now almost frantic voice from out side the door. “Mi…Mi are you OK? What’s happened, can I come in?” Emmet asked knocking on the door as he talked. “Are you decant? Do you want me to get a lady to help you?”
“
I’m kind of decant.” I muttered realising I was still just in my bra curled up on the floor “Em… Emmet can you come in please. Can you help me.” I whispered again as another flash back took me over. Invisible hands searching, violating, grabbing. Then the groaning in my ears of the group of people masturbating over my tiny little body. My baby doll crying on the floor.
Saved at last.
“
Mi honey bunny what’s happened?” Emmet asked concerned crossing the bath room in two strides so he was next to me. It was hard to see him through the shadows of my memory but in a way he was clear too, my mind realized he was safe even in my weekend semi naked state.
“
There in me.” I whispered flinching as my eyes glazed over with another flash back making me go stiff on the floor, I wanted it to be over, I never wanted to fell any of those feelings ever again.
“
What’s in you?” Emmet asked his voice more calmer but also more concerned. “Mi are you hurt? Have you hurt your self?” He asked gently placing a towel over the top half of my body. It wasn’t for his embarrassment he covered me up. It was for the Embarrassment it might cause me by him seeing me that way.
“
I’m not hurt.” I mumbled into the ground next to my face. “I’m Ok. It’s in my head, but I can feel them” I wined “and I’m so small. I’m just a baby really.” I moaned tears starting to stream down over my cheeks.
“
Are you hearing voices Mi?” Emmet asked softly placing his hand gently on my shaking arm.
“
It’s a flash back, I think.” I whispered
“
Well I am here with you this time Mi. What ever hurt you can’t hurt you now. I won’t let anything hurt you Ok. You are safe.”
Spitting it out.
“
Is there anything I can do?” Emmet asked in his soft velvet tone voice as he sat close to me on the floor occasionally stroking the hair out of my eyes.
“
I hate what happened to me.” I moaned as the flash backs began to fade from the fore front of my memory but some how I still felt abused and betrayed. I was still dirty and I new even if I found the energy in me to crawl into the shower I would always be this dirty; his hand prints tattooed invisibly onto my skin
“
Mi you know you said you could trust me. Then tell me baby. Tell me what haunts you so.” Emmet said gently smiling at me trying to brake down what ever walls that kept my secret hidden from sight. For years they had been locked up somewhere far away tight in a little box behind a hundred miles of brambles and nails but somehow Emmet seemed to have worked his way past them all and as his reward the dirty words left from inside me to be heard for the first time.
“
I was six years old when I was first raped.”
The devil in me
“
Oh sweet heart, I am so sorry.” Emmet said gently taking one of my hands to help me back up into a seating position. I wrapped the towel around my self closer and chewed on one of the corners keeping my eyes fixed upon the diamond pattered lino; I did not want to see the judgment on his face, just in case he was judging me.
“
It’s Ok,” I said in barley more then a whisper, “I deserved it, I was a bad kid, I tried to do things right but always failed. He told me that no one could ever love me, That I should be thrilled that people would pay to come and see me.”
“
People paid?” Emmet asked confused. The horror plain in his voice now.
“
Sometimes. He said he spent to much money on me. I cost to much to feed and clothe, that I had to make some money. So a few people paid to come and see him do stuff to me, and they could request things that they wanted. If they paid more they could do stuff to me too while the others masturbated and if they paid a lot more they could come over in private. It was almost like he rented me out to people.
Did your mother know?
” Emmet asked his voice sounding appalled at what he was hearing, I new what I was saying was wrong and that this didn’t happen to normal children but still I couldn’t help think his disgust was with me; after all I blamed my self whole heartedly for everything that had happened. I should of tried harder, I could have been better.
“
Don’t hate me, please don’t think to badly of me Emmet. I know I was a bad girl and I should of tried harder, but please don’t hate me.” I squeaked letting the tears shine in my eyes and for the first time I looked into his
“
Oh honey,” Emmet said taking in a sharp intake of breath before reaching out and taking my hand squeezing it tightly in his. “This is not your fault, you have to listen to me and trust me now. What happened to you was an abomination, absolutely unacceptable in any circumstance and absolutely not your fault. You where just a little girl and you where abused in a vile and despicable way. You have done nothing wrong and you have been so brave telling me.”
“
I must have though. “ I said confused the tears coming down over my cheeks in thick streaks now, “he never did it to Arabella, don’t get me wrong I am glad about that, but he said he didn’t because she was a good girl. That she didn’t have the devil in her. That she made him proud. I tried to be a good girl Emmet, But I never was, that’s why I need to die, because I’ll never be good enough.”
“
Mi. Listen to me honey.” Emmet said gently cupping his hand around my face so he could look at me in the eyes. They where piercing and made me shiver.
“
Emmet don’t.” I said softly as I tried to look back at the floor however he pulled my face back up to look at him.
“
You need to listen to me Ok. What happened to you is not your fault. You did Nothing wrong no six year old is evil. You were an innocent little girl that was betrayed and abused in the most despicable and disgusting way there can be. Now you said you can trust me. So believe me now even if you never trust me on anything again. You have done nothing wrong.”
Finally rescued
I longed to reach out and put both my arms around Emmet to hold him so tight next to me and never let him go, I wasn’t sure why, was it because he believed me when it had been drummed into me for years that no one ever would. Was it because he didn’t hate me, that he didn’t see it from my abusers points of view, or was it just because I needed to hold onto something before I broke apart?
“
I suppose I should shower. I said still looking down at the diamond shaped patterns on the lino floor having to almost sit on my hands to hold them back so I couldn’t reach out for him.
“
Are you sure your feeling OK to be alone right now?” Emmet asked gently putting his had on my shoulder. His hand was like a power source to me like I was some sort of receiver and the feeling that where being suppressed returned with a frightening intensity. The sadness was the main feeling,; the black wave of despair that dragged me to the bottom of the ocean with such a force it felt like I would never see the surface again, like I would never be able to breath again, like my soul got lost to the waves and the sea and it would be cursed to cry there forever.
Almost surprisingly to me the tears found there way to my eyes and hit me like a ton of bricks making me burst into tears like a child does when they fall off of their bike, or a toddler falls flat on there face when they are learning to walk. They are loud long and uncontrolled and in my case shameful.
“
Come here little one.” Emmet said softly scooting closer to me so he could wrap his protective arms around my shaking body and hold me tight to him. “I can’t make the pain go away Mi but I wish I could.” He whispered into the top of my head. “I wish there was a way I could take it all away but I can’t all I can do is hold you tight and let you cry and let you know I am right by your side.” He said again as he slightly rocked me back and forth in his arms like you would comfort a crying child. Like he was comforting the abused six year old within me, like somehow I had finally been rescued.
Kidnapped
Two days later I was sat next to Emmet in his Nissan note and we where making are way back to apple gate house. I was to be tried out on green 20 minute observations to try and get some of my independence back and let me become a bit more my own person again. It was also my 16th birthday, a date I had been trying to keep as quiet and out of the spot light as I could manage. My self surviving and growing another year in my eyes was nothing to celebrate. In fact I had never intended to make 16 at all; me getting there was just another one of my failures in a long line.
“
So how come you haven’t said anything then?” Emmet asked a smile on his lips, he looked suspicious.
“
About what?” I asked looking out the window of the car at the white lines of the road rushing past me until I felt thoroughly sick.
“
Sweet 16 hay.”
My insides went cold, of course the staff where going to know it was my birthday My date of birth was plastered over every one of the white boards in every office. I sighed; it looked like I wasn
’t going to be able to wish it all away after all.
“
I don’t what to think about it OK Emmet, trust me another year older is nothing to celebrate,” I moaned.
“
but birthdays are great,” Emmet insisted. “It gives us all an excuse to eat to much cake,” I raised my eye brows and turned to look at him in disgust.
“
Fair enough,” Emmet chuckled at seeing my disgusted look. “I take it not every one has as much passion for cake as I do but still that isn’t a reason not to do something, look at it this way, it is another year you can hold your head up high and say, I survived all this shit,”
“
You could also see it as another year where I have made absolutely no achievement, got kicked out my foster home got sectioned into a mental hospital and still failed to kill my self, forgive me if I don’t feel like celebrating that.” I groaned still looking out of the window but this time at the other people who walked past on the street. There was so many of them, all of them going somewhere different then where I was, they all had different friends different family’s different homes and I had nothing but my NHS room in a hospital ward, and he wanted me to celebrate being alive for 16 years?
“
Umm Emmet,” I said surprised as he drove right past the big metal gates of apple gate house and on up the road. “ You realise you just drove right past the unit.” I said for the first time turning away from the window to look at him .
“
Oh yeah I forgot to mention.” Emmet said the touch of a smile on his lips again as he continued to look forward at the road. “I’m kidnapping you.”
Shopping
“
That’s nice,” I smiled sarcastically at him. “Now seriously what are you planning to do with me?” I asked while trying to suppress the edge of panic that had risen inside of me; it would have been just my luck to find out Emmet was actually a stark raving lunatic.
“
Don’t look so worried Mi.” Emmet laughed “I’m not really kidnapping you. I have permission to take you out to do something for your birthday. I thought we could go shopping,” He smiled looking over at me to gage my reaction.
“
Emmet I don’t want to celebrate my birthday.” I moaned staring out my window again as the panic that had risen despaired.
“
Ok, we wont do that but we could still go shopping, your room needs brightening up, It’s got to much of an NHS quality about it at the moment. Lets get some posters and some of your own duvet covers and things it might make you feel better in the long run.”
“
With what exactly?” I asked, “I don’t have any money.”
“
Yes you do, we applied for benefits for you when you entered the unit and you just got your back payment. you got about four hundred pounds, So what do you say lets do some shopping yeah?
Alive
“
It sounds good.” I finally said after a moment of thinking it through. “At least it gets me out of the unit for a while.”
“
That’s what I thought, it’s not good for anyone to be cooped up for so long.”
“
Since when do blokes like shopping though?” I asked looking up at him from under my hair a cheeky smile on my face. Emmet seemed like the kind of bloke that would rather put a flesh eating moth into his ear then enter a town canter with the intention of shopping.
“
I don’t, but I know a woman who does and I was hoping it would be Ok if me met up with her and little Mia too, after all my opinions are truly awful when it comes to the brain of a teenage girl.” Emmet said smiling over at me as he pulled up at a set of traffic lights.
“
You remember what happened last time I was close to Your daughter.” I moaned my mood swinging to dark again as the image of my first encounter of Emmet and Esmee‘s daughter floated through my head.” I don’t think I should be near babies.”
“
I thought you like Kids.” Emmet said as he pulled away from the traffic lights and up a ramp into one of the city centres many multi story car parks.
“
I do like Kids Emmet and little Mia is a fantastic little girl but last time I was with her I made her cry and it still haunts me now, I just know I will land up damaging her in some way. You know as well as me that I’m not a good person Emmet; I am bad news.” I moaned as I tried to push the unexpected tears back to where they belonged.
“
Mi for a start you are not a bad person and second you didn’t make Mia cry honey, Esmee made her cry by taking her off of your lap and telling her off. You where fantastic with her, I saw the way you handled and played with her but most importantly I saw the spark in your eyes and your whole face light up when she was sat with you. For the first time that day I saw a part of you I had never seen before and I loved what I saw; for the first time, I saw you alive.”
Overload
I had tried to argue with Emmet’s reaction but he was stubborn, even more stubborn then myself and in the end I backed down as he found a space high up in the car park and slipped his car in killing the engine.
As we walked down the winding stairs to meet Esmee and Mia at the bottom something inside me started to panic at the new non secure environment. It was like someone had come and zapped me with super strong senses making the new surroundings harsh against every one of them; sending me into a sensory overload. Unable to stop my self I felt my body become slightly shaky as I gripped hard onto the grimy hand rail trying to steady everything but even the metal felt too hash on my hands and I had to withdraw them almost causing my clumsy over sensitive legs to stumble.
“
Are you Ok? You look a bit shaky my love?” Emmet asked gently stopping on the stairs ready to grab me if my miss behaving legs caused me to fall.
“
I’m fine,” I lied taking a deep breath and pushing on down the stairs. The smell of urine and cigarette smoke seemed stupidly intense inside of me from my deep breath in and I recoiled again slightly trying to stop the gagging I felt inside my throat from becoming vocal; there was no way I was going to make a fool of my self when I was in the “real world.” I walked slowly trying to compensate for what felt like my new hyper sensitive vision, all of a sudden it was like I could see everything at a hundred times bigger then what they where, I could see every exposed brick, every tiny piece of chewing gum engrained upon the floor in a strange patch work; every tiny insignificant flaw to the paint work.
Finally unable to control my insides any longer and my increasing need to vomit from all of the new intensity inside me I gagged and stumbled out of the door with my hand over my mouth trying to find the fresh air, but the outside only made it worse. The sun hit me with intense light and heat like it was actually going to set fire to my skin and the cars whizzed past my dazed eyes at the speed of sound leaving no time to let my eyes adjust to their scarily harsh colours and shapes. I Could here every one talking at the same time at war with the amplified birds above not to mention the smell of fast food and exughst fumes that infiltrated my nostrils like a bulldozer.
I retched loudly unable to contain the sickness as I tripped and fell, violently vomiting into the gutter below.
Suzan
“hold up, where do you think your off to?”
Emmet shouted lurching forward and grabbing me firmly by the waist as I stumbled towards the floor and into the gutter along with my puke.
“
I probably should of pre-empted this,” Emmet muttered more to him self then to me as I retched again and added more orange water to the gutter.
“Is
everything all right up here?” I heard a woman shout somewhere in the distance, I turned my head trying to look for the women who had asked Begging that the question was not intended for us. I felt stupid enough with out someone else being concerned, but as always luck was not on my side and as I gagged again into the gutter the woman dressed in the all to familiar green uniform started to jog in our direction.
“
Can I help at all?” The woman asked again slightly out of breath from the jogging as she throw her green medical bag onto the floor next to me before grabbing my wrist between her two fingers
“
Hello there, I’m Suzan, my partner and my self where based at the end of the road and we thought you might be in distress, there was a moment when it looked like you nearly fainted to us and as we weren’t doing anything I thought I would see if I could lend some assistance.
“
I’m Ok,” I mumbled trying to take slow and even breaths to steady the rolling nausea inside of me there was now to much at stake to let my self be sick again, in fact I would of be Earning my self a one way ticket back to the hospital.
“
You don’t look all that OK my love how about we just pop you up to the ambulance for a bit, I can check out all of your vitals and things and if they are all good I can let dad take you on your way, maybe he can get you home and spoil you for a bit.” Suzan asked gently clasping her hand around my shoulder which instantly made my whole body stiffen against the strangers hands and my stomach retch in protest to the now increased nausea.
Brainless and invisible
“
I’m fine,” I gasped after swallowing the sickness that made an escape attempt up the back of my throat.
“
Your clearly not my love and I just want to check you over, there is no need to be afraid, I wont take you to the hospital unless I really have to and your daddy will be with you all of the time.” I thought I had miss-heard her the first time but this time I was completely sure she said daddy and I couldn’t help look around confused as to who she meant; I mean if she new my dad she new one more thing then I ever did.
“I think I should clear something up, I’m not her farter, I’m her nurse and I am sure that Mi is fine and this will pass in a few moments.”
Emmet said still as calm as ever moving me closer to him which caused Suzan to let go and this is turn made my breathing become easier and the nausea to subside. Emmet still held onto me tightly by both shoulders to stop me from wobbling off balance but I didn’t mind this; I was, after all this time, used to the way his hands felt against me and I also new they where never there to harm
“
Oh, I’m sorry I just assumed.” Suzan said sweetly while smiling at me like I might somehow have become mentally incompetent in the last few seconds, hell she didn’t even know what kind of nurse he was yet and she had made her assumption that I was missing a brain. “What kind of nurse are you and what is wrong with her?” Apparently I was also invisible as well.
Esmee’s new tital
“
I am a duel trained paediatric and psyceatric nurse and I would say that because Mi has been inside an acute psyceatric ward for the past few moths she has just had a rather nasty anxiety attack and that’s what I am here to deal with.”
“
Maybe she is out on leave too soon and you should take her back to the unit.” Suzan said now addressing Emmet like he might be about as insane and incapable as she obviously thought I was; this irritated Emmet.
“
Nope, I don’t think I will do that as next time she is brought out this will happen all over again but probably to a worse degree where we might actually need an ambulance at the end of it.” Emmet said firmly while emphasising the words need an ambulance to prove that she was no longer welcome.
“
Wa hay, hello guys! What‘s going on here!? Esmee said a little red faced and out of breath as she slipped herself in-between Emmet and the paramedic who had gone on to have an evil eye competition after there obvious disagreement.
“
And you are?” Suzan asked jumping back a bit in surprise at the arrival of a another person into the equation
|”Esmee, I’m Mi’s mum, so what’s the problem?”
“
Well your daughter wasn’t feeling to hot and was vomiting on the streets so as my partner and my self where sitting at the end of the road I thought I would see if there was something I could do to help.” Suzan said still shooting the occasional evil eye at Emmet as she talked to Esmee who was apparently calling herself my mother these days. My head hurt
“
Another anxiety attack honey?” Esmee said removing Emmet from my shoulders before embracing me in an unexpected bear hug which I didn’t have time to return in all of the craziness. “Do you think you need to go the hospital with this young lady or are you feeling better now?”
“
I’m fine, I said I was fine!” I shouted almost too eagerly just to make sure I could be heard before Suzan protested again.
“
OK if none of you want my help far be it for me to force it on any one.” Suzan said holding her hands up in surrender before bending down and heaving her green bag back over her shoulder again and walking away back to the ambulance grumbling to her self as she went.
Off the hook
“
How are you feeling now then my dear? Esmee asked gently lifting my chin up so she could look me in the eye “I hope you didn’t mind my acting their Mi but I could see the paramedic was eager to get you to the hospital and I didn’t think you wanted to do that and there is only one person a paramedic wont argue with and that’s mum; mum always knows best.”
“
You can be my mum, my dad or my spiritual advisor for all I care, as long as you get me off the hook about going back to that Emergency department again.” I said shuddering at the thought.
“
That is only because I new you didn’t need to go there. It is surprising what the great outdoors can do to people when they have been locked up for so long, most react in some way and puking or fainting seem to be the two favourites” Esmee said holding onto my shoulders to stop me swaying on the spot; in all the commotion of sickness and paramedics I had apparently lost my centre of gravity.
“Saying that, it looks like you could faint at any second,” Esmee observed holding onto me tighter as I overbalanced forwards but caught my self again before I headed down to meat the floor.
“
I think we should probably head off somewhere quiet for a while and get you something to drink before we do anything else or you may very well land up in the back of Suzan’s ambulance.
Dirty for a decade
Esmee grabbed hold of the buggy while Emmet grabbed hold of me and helped me up the road towards a little secluded café; another one of my many nemeses that I feared I would never be abler to get though. I didn’t only have an issue with eating; I had issues with other people eating around me as well in public. Apple gate was big but it was private at least unlike the café, behind those doors any one could arrive, however the café seemed a nice enough place with lots of table and big comfy sofas split off into sections. The floor was a highly polished wood and the walls where mostly cream apart from one giant wall of modern floral wall paper. Another good thing was it was almost empty as well with just a small group off business men on a group of fake leather sofas by the window that led outside and a young girl behind the till that bopped along to some music that played from her MP3 player.
“
Why don’t you go and find us somewhere nice and quite to sit?” Esmee said to us handing over the pink buggy that contained a contentedly sleeping Mia under a white parasol to Emmet. “Maybe check Mi’s blood sugar as well.” Esmee added quietly to Emmet as we walked away to find a seat as far away from everyone as possible and settled for another group of black PVC sofas in the other corner of the room.
“
Your daughter is beautiful.” I whispered gently to Emmet as I sat down on the sofa opposite to him and he pushed her sleeping body close to the side of my sofa so I could look at her better and once I started I could not drag my eyes away from her; every tiny detail was too amazing to miss by looking away.
“
She amazes you doesn’t she?” Emmet asked gently from over the other sofa but even though I tried I couldn’t pull my eyes away from the sleeping baby; In fact it took all my effort not to reach out and touch her smooth baby hair.
“
All children amaze me, their purity, their innocents, and their perfection but It all goes away so quickly, it can be taken from you, or you just lose it and in the end you land up damaged in some way. I could never have children Emmet, I want them, hell I want them badly, but how the hell could I ever protect them when there are so many things to destroy them in the space of seconds.”
“
Every mother thinks that way darling, and you can’t protect them from everything, they are going to fall over now and again or they are going to get sick, it is all a part of growing up.”
“
But when does that growing up stop and turn into something ugly? I mean was I just growing up? Was I just learning about the future?” I asked gently almost hypnotised by Mia as I studied her little chest rising and falling with deep breathing and her top lip suck on her bottom one, one hand curling in and out of lose fists while the other one gripped around the ear of a well loved pink bunny rabbit that reminded me of mister hop; apparently once upon a time according to Arabella I wouldn’t go any where with out him.
“
She is so little and so delicate any one could hurt her at any time and I’m not on about colds or stomach bugs or falling off of climbing frames. I am on about real people; people who would deliberately do something to her innocence.”
“
Believe it or not Mi the world is not made up of bad people, many people like you and myself would never hurt a child or anyone else.” Emmet said sighing getting up from his seat and coming over to sit next to me where he interlocked his fingers through mine.
“
I still remember how it felt that first time; I remember the smells, the sounds, how it locked and how it felt, and the pain, oh how that pain hurt.” I moaned screwing my eyes shut and holding my stomach as the normal flash back zipped through my mind so quickly it make me feel sick.
“
Mi, I am so sorry, if there was some way I could take all that away from you; you know I would.” Emmet said gently moving his body so close to me I could feel the heat coming off from his skin onto my body. “
“
I am sorry, I know I shouldn’t talk about it, people don’t want to here about things like that but it was 10 years ago today when I lost my virginity and I was just six years old Emmet , I have been dirty for a decade.
Her protectors
“
It was on your birthday?”
“
Yep, my birthdays where never celebrated any way, but this one was worse then that, why do you think I hate celebrating, other then the fact that I don’t find another year anything to be happy about. To me celebrating my birthday is like celebrating the day I became the monster that I am.”
“
Your not a monster Mi, you have to stop blaming this on your self. Is someone abused Mia here, would you think that was her fault?” Emmet asked me firmly before swallowing hard; the thought of any one ever showing his daughter something other then love made him sick and I couldn’t blame him my skin crawled uncomfortably at the thought too.
“
Don’t ever put her in that context again.” I stuttered reaching out protectively towards the girl in the buggy holding her hand gently in mine. Her face smiled unconsciously in her sleep for a second before it fell back into the cute frown. I let tears escape over my face as i pulled the buggy closer to my side with my foot. I didn’t care if she wasn’t my baby; if there was a predator around I would be the one to protect her.
“
I’m sorry I shouldn’t of said that, I didn’t think about how much it could upset you.” Emmet said gently giving my had a squeeze as I glanced around the room looking for any one that might try and get to her. “Mi, Mia is safe with us here, there is no need to panic. Do you really think either my self or Esmee will let any harm come to her?
I did one more anxious sweep around the café at the other people in their. The business guys still talked animatedly at the other end on the other sofas and now a young woman with dirty blond hair in braids typed on a laptop on one of the other tables, Esmee was now walking back from the counter with a try that contained two pots of tea and a glass of orange juice; I guessed that I probably had to drink the latter.
“
All right guys?” Esmee asked cheerfully as she slid the try onto the coffee table between the two sofas and took a seat on the one opposite Emmet and myself. “Have you taken her blood sugar?” Esmee asked Emmet pushing the glass of orange juice closer to my side of the table.
“
No we where talking,”
“
Oh, I’m sorry, I can go and sit somewhere else for a bit if you want.” Esmee said pointing to one of the vacant tables over the other side of the room.
“
No it’s OK.” I said before Emmet could say anything else, I had enough of talking; words hurt.
“
In that case, can I have a finger please,” Emmet asked me digging into his right pocket and pulling out a black wallet a blue inhaler and a couple other pieces of debris.
“
Let us know if you manage to find Nanina in there somewhere.” I laughed as he stuffed the things he didn’t need back into his pocket
“
I have come close once or twice I think.” Emmet smiled unzipping the black pouch and pulling out the blood glucose monitor before pushing a tab into the end. “Finger please,” Emmet beckoned unrolling my hands from fists until they where flat before talking a finger and pricking the end with the needle; I winced.
“
Why do you always have to do that to me?” I moaned pressing the gauze swab Emmet had given me against the bleeding spot on my now throbbing finger.
“
Because your blood sugar has a nasty habit of dropping down into your boots, much like it is on its way to doing now.” Emmet muttered showing me the monitor that had the numbers 3.4 written on the screen; I sighed.
“
I take it that means I have to drink that then.” I said glancing towards the orange juice on the table. Both Esmee and Emmet responded simultaneously with the same smile and with out meaning to or really sure why, I laughed at them picked up the orange juice and started drinking.
My purpose
The acid of the orange juice felt like it rubbed away at the lining of my stomach like sand paper and coated my teeth in a sticky substance which I couldn’t get off no matter how much I licked them; which coincidently made me look like I was making faces.
“
Is there a reason why you are making faces at the orange juice Mi?” Esmee asked smiling before sipping her own cup of tee while absentmindedly pushing Mia’s buggy with her right foot as she was starting to stir from her slumber.
“
It’s sticky on my teeth,” I groaned launching one last assault on my teeth with my tongue before sighing and giving up.
“
How’s you tee?” I asked trying to change the subject.
“
Taste suspiciously like tee?” Esmee said smiling while closing one eye and looking suspicious into the top of her cup.
“
Ah culumbo!” Emmet exclaimed laughing almost spitting out his mouth full of tee over the table and waking up Mia fully from her sleep at the same time.
“
Emmet.” Esmee groaned as Mia’s bottom lip started to quiver just before the sobbing broke out of her chest.
My actions to this where instinctual and even though I tried to stop my self there was no force strong enough on earth to keep me on my seat and I bent down to the buggy that was in front of me un clipped the restraints and scooped the crying toddler up into my arms soothing her as I went.
“
Doggy here.” Mia moaned through her tears as she rubbed her still tired eyes with her hands before snuggling her head into the space under my neck her crying now barely a whimper.
“
That’s a good girl, it’s OK, I’m here and I won’t let any one hurt you.” I whispered gently rocking her from side to side absentmindedly. She was so beautiful and precious, so pure and innocent I couldn’t believe I had something so amazing in my arms and just for a split second I could imagine her being mine and for that tiny little moment in time I had a purpose in life; I wanted to live, I wanted to be a mummy.
Restraint
It did not take long for my bubble to burst as I realised what I had done. It seemed so right at the time to pick up and comfort a baby in distress; there was nothing in the world more natural to me, in fact I think I had a worse time working out how to breathe and that was why I reacted like I did. For the moment in which I did it I had forgotten about all the people in the café around me, about the fact that I was in my eyes a danger to children because of my unnatural ability to cause catastrophe whoever I went and last but not least and probably the worse, the baby’s mother and farther where sat right by me and where now looking at me with slightly open mouths.
“
I’m sorry,” I stuttered bundling Mia off of my lap and onto Emmet’s before stumbling to my feet and taking two steps back from the family that sat there; I was not part of them, nothing like them; they where the image of family perfection and I was ruined; flawed to the very core.
“
She’s going to bolt.” I heard Emmet hiss at Esmee under his breath so low he thought I couldn’t here. It appeared however Esmee had already had the same thought as she was on her feet before Emmet even finished talking her arm linked around mine with her hand bending my wrist back in on it’s self; another restraint.
“
Your restraining me Esmee,” I whimpered trying my best to fight the instinctual reaction I always had to try and get away from the person the was holding me still; it would only make her hold on tighter as she would think I was trying to run away, or worse still she would take me to the floor.
“
I’m not going anywhere, I’m not going to run away and I am sorry that I picked up Mia, I would never hurt her, I am sorry.” I whined trying to control the panic that was rising fast inside of me almost making me hyperventilate.
“
Come and sit down next to me Mi and I will let you go OK, we are not going to hurt you and we are not angry.”
I nodded my agreement to Esmee’s conditions and let her lead me back to the sofas where we both sat down and as promised she released me from the restraint. Not sure what else to do, or how to react as every feeling took over like a whirl wind inside of me I put my head in my hands and burst into silent tears.
Proud of me
“
Mi there is no pressure to be out with us today, if you really can’t handle this we understand and we will take you back to the unit. It’s your choice.”
I didn’t respond, I didn’t think I could with out the tears becoming vocal and I didn’t want that in the middle of a coffee shop; I all ready looked ridicules.
“
Shall we get you back then we can try again another day. “ Esmee said gently placing her hand on the base of my spine
“
Why doggy crying?” I heard Mi ask from over the other side of the table with almost exactly the same gentle concerned tone as her mother used in these situation and I didn’t know weather to laugh or cry harder, it seemed so idiotic a toddler comforting an adult, I had to get out of there.
“
Can we go outside for a little bit; just you and myself so I can get some air.” I stuttered under my hands before holding onto my breath to keep my self quiet. .
“
Sure we can.” Esmee said quietly before getting to her feet and helping me up to mine by holding onto my fore arm before leading me out past the biasness men and out the café door into the sunlight,
“
Come and sit with me.” Esmee instructed gently leading me over to a bench that sat under the shade of a tree just opposite the café.
“
Try and take some deep breaths and calm down.” Esmee soothed gently rubbing the side of my arm in comfort; it seemed she was ever having to do this for me and there was a bit of me that so wanted to be better for her; I didn’t want to always be in tears when she was with me I wanted to smile and I didn’t want to panic around her or throw up; I wanted to walk tall and be something she could be proud of; I wasn’t sure why it mattered but in me somewhere it did. I wanted her to be proud of me.
Pretending
“
I sometimes wish so hard that I could be better Esmee like now so you didn’t have to put up with any of this rubbish from me, but then I think if I wasn’t like this you wouldn’t even be here and I would be alone can me being insane really be a good thing because with out all the clients and staff at apple gate I would be so alone in the world.”
“
You will get better Mi you wont right away and yes it could take sometime but weather you can believe it now or not it wont be like this forever and the little things that mean so much to you now will mean nothing as you get older; I can promise you there will be a day when you wont even remember Emmet or my self as anything more then distant dreams and that is how it is meant to be. Apple gate house isn’t forever though when you are stuck there is can feel like it is and the things that you do that seem so bad at the time will seem like nothing but distant blips; life goes on.”
“
You talk like you know like somehow a while ago the roles where reversed or something but you have only ever been behind those walls when you have had the keys to get out and another place to go to at the end of the day but trust me it feels very different to call it home.” I sighed unable to stop feeling sorry for my self even though I tried.
“
You don’t live at apple gate Mi, it isn’t meant to be your home.”
“
but I don’t have no where else to go if I was thrown out if there tomorrow I would be homeless and on the streets, my mum doesn’t want me and the only foster parents that would take me in for miles around don’t want me any more anyway. foster parents to me always seem to want cute chubby babies and not fucked up teenagers; in short they don’t want me.”
“
in reality we never really get chubby babies, Emmet and my self have had two or three before but to be honest it is mostly older children and teenagers and we are happy with that it’s just teenagers are harder to look after, and when we can come across like we don’t care it’s mostly only because if we tried to shove s bottle in a sixteen year olds mouth or entertain them with a sock puppet we would lose are licence.”
“
Your foster carers?” I asked surprised“Does that mean Mia isn’t yours?”
“
On no, Mia is ours but before she was born we used to foster.”
“
Why did you stop?”
“
We wanted to put all of are attention on to her for a while. You see Mia was kind of special to us. I was told I couldn’t have children and even if I became pregnant like I did four times my body wouldn’t handle a pregnancy and before her it didn’t, all four of my other pregnancy’s landed in early miss-carriage but Mia didn’t and she was born full term and healthy and we just wanted to focus everything onto her.”
“
I’m sorry, that really sucks, you deserve lots of kids and Miss-Carriage is just terrible thing to go though and four is just unthinkable.” I stuttered wishing there was something more I could say but I new there was no way I could make any difference to what she was feeling; no one could.
“
You seem to know a lot about it,” Esmee smiled at me sadly her hand still cupped protectively over her stomach, is there something that you would like to tell me?”
“
No.” I whispered shaking my head slowly looking down at the cracks in the floor below me and sighing as I once again had to deny him to someone else and pretend he was never there, I was the only person in the entire word who cared that new the truth. The only other person who ever did I now hoped was up there somewhere looking after him.
Losing him
“
Arabella!” I screamed loudly the panic raising in me as I felt the hot sticky blood dripping down from between my legs and the ripping pain that tore up my tummy. I had felt funny for days but A-bell had reassured me it was all normal in the pregnancy and every time I got concerned showed me the grainy ultrasound scan that I kept close to me at all times he was who I lived for now; he was everything and now it felt like someone was actually tearing him out from inside me.
“A bell!” I shouted again loudly the tears beginning to pour down my cheeks as I struggled to get to my feet and feel my way across to the door the blood spotting onto the floor as it soaked easily though my Jeans. “A bell!” I sobbed again more loudly as I reached the handle on my bedroom door. “Mum!” I never called for mum but the desperation in me was even greater then any fear she put in me and if there was any way she could stop what I new in my heart was happening it would be worth it, I was gone to far to lose him the doctor had said I was past the danger zone; he had said he looked healthy just a bit to small for is gestational age but he would catch up but he had lied, I was 19 weeks had a visible bump that I had to hide and he was just draining away from me like water though cracks; sand through a fist.
“
Mi moo! Mi where are you? I finally hard the familiar voice shouting back at me almost in as much panic as I was now as the outline of my sister sprang up the stair case two at a time to get to me just as another rippling wave of agony crippled my body and I almost fell to the floor as I felt something drop from inside me
“
Mi, Mia what‘s happening? Is that… blood?” Arabella asked going white her self as she saw the huge puddle of dark red blood gush out from between my legs and gather on the laminated flooring underneath me
“
A bell its little Oscar.” I sobbed fumbling with the button of my jeans “A Bell get help, I’m losing him!”
Always your little baby boy
“
It’s OK sweet heart,” Esmee said to me gently taking hold of my hands as the involuntary tears made my whole body shudder as they fell silently but forcefully from my eyes dripping to the ground below. I wanted to stop but I couldn’t I still missed him and I still wish I could of gone with him or even better instead of him into the ground sleeping forever.
“
Your right Mi it is really terrible and completely unthinkable, one of the worse things a woman will ever have to go though in the world I’m not sure how I survived it and to be honest there where times when I thought I didn’t even want to.” Esmee whispered gently before moving closer to me on the bench and putting her arm over my shoulders leaning closer to me
“
I know what happened to you Mi because is written in you records because you where really seriously ill as well, there was a lot of blood loss which they couldn’t stop and you spent some time in intensive care it was horrific and I am so sorry that you had to go though that, you can always talk to me though Mi if you ever feel you need to.”
“
I thought he was forgotten.” I said looking up into Esmee’s eyes with my tear streaked face and almost smiled, I was of course still sad but it somehow seemed better now that he was written somewhere and whoever read it would know he was there that he lived inside of me for
19 short weeks, that once upon a time I was going to be a mother to a beautiful bouncing baby boy and no matter what people thought he was important.
“
I thought he was just taken away and no one ever new after I left the hospital with out him, bump gone, hope gone, my future gone, they told me a 13 year old wouldn’t be hit as heard by a miss carriage of an unplanned baby but did they really know and why was it OK that he was forgotten?”
“
He will never be forgotten Mi and it doesn’t need to be written in a file to make him real, you loved him and you remember him so he will be alive for ever, he will live in there.” Esmee said gently reaching out and placing her right hand over my heart with a smile “He will always be your little baby boy.”
Ings
About 10 minutes later Emmet came out of the café pushing a somewhat peeved Mia in her buggy as she fought heard against the restraint’s that held her in the seat as she protested loudly at her incarceration in the stroller, I think what was even more unsettling to me though was the fact that I felt for her; I new what It was like to be restrained.
“
How’s it going out here?” Emmet asked ignoring Mia’s protest as she forcefully slapped her hands down on the plastic toy steering weal that was clipped across the buggy as a distraction for her; clearly it wasn’t serving its purpose that well.
“
We are all doing good.” Esmee confirmed to Emmet before she slipped off of the bench in a hunched position and took hold of her daughters hands telling her to stop in a firm but kind tone as she looked deep into her eyes and Mia looked back suddenly calmed down; how did Esmee do it?
“
Now if you stay nice and calm for mummy you can chose who pushes you around and after we are done we may even have time to take you to the park so we can play on the swings but you have to stay relaxed OK.” Esmee said to the intently listening Mia as she brushed some unruly strands of hair out of her eyes.
“
Ings!”
“
Yes later we will go and play on the swings but we have to do some shopping with Mi first, so who would you like to push you.”
“
Doggy!”
A proud mother
It was at Mia’s request I got the job of pushing her around the city centre and slowly and carefully with my hands gripped on tight to the pink handles of the buggy Esmee and Emmet led me back Into the hustle and bussle of the main high street where every one was running about trying to get everything done yesterday. I would of liked to have known what there rush was; why they didn’t feel like they could walk just that little bit slower or allow their child just one more minuet to look in awe in the toy shop window, surly life was there to be enjoyed otherwise why where people so intent on living it?
“
So then Where do you want to go first then birthday girl.” Esmee asked cheerfully knocking into my shoulder playfully as we come to a stop in front of a number or different shops.
“
Esmee!” I growled quietly at her through my teeth. “I have told Emmet once My birthday is not something I want to celebrate.” I moaned at her, Esmee was of course about to argue with me when Mia cut her off twisting her self round in her buggy to look at us,
“Joose please,” Mia asked smiling up at her mother and my self with a toothy grin stretched across her face.
“
It’s in the hood,” Esmee pointed as I searched the buggy with my eyes trying to work out in what whole it could be hidden, it appeared that Esmee was the kind of person that kept the kitchen sink attached somewhere to the buggy.
“
Here you go honey.” I said smiling at the little girl looking up at me as I handed her the juice out of the hood of the buggy.
“
Ta” she said grabbing the sippy cup by the handles and pushing it into her mouth before relaxing back into the buggy again her cheeks sucking in in the most adorable way as she drank the juice.
“
Oh isn’t she just the most adorable.” An elderly lady said to me smiling making me jump slightly before crouching down in front of the buggy and smoothing the side of Mia‘s leg which made Mia act shy hiding her face behind her hands. I giggled and so did the lady as she got back up to her feet.
“
Is she yours? How Old is she?” The lady asked still chuckling to her self.
“
Two I answered smiling as the woman gave Mi one last smile before walking away leaving me full of a mothers pride that didn’t really belong to me but swelled inside me any way. I longed for the toddler in the chair in front of me to be mine more then I longed for anything else in the world, it was like everything could be solved, all could be forgiven and forgotten if only I had a baby.
Pure and beautiful
“
Well there is a pretty cool clothes shop in front of us ,” Esmee pointed out bringing me back from my own badly timed fantasy, “I’m not sure how you feel about getting some new clothes but a new wardrobe always makes me feel better and they are really inexpensive in there as well, I must confess I have been know to get a little carried away my self.”
“
A little carried away!” Emmet scoffed laughing. “I seriously wonder if I will get out alive when I go shopping with you in there Esmee.”
“
Oh stop being so melodramatic you big drama queen, I could be worse.” Esmee scoffed back playfully slapping Emmet in the chest gently staring up into his eyes, her eyes sparkled as she they met his gaze and Emmet seemed like he had to physically stop him self from ripping her cloths off there and then and making love to her on the street.
“
Your stunning.” He mouthed gently to Esmee as she stared up at him unable to pull her eyes away from his like there was no one else in the entire world but them right then and it was true, it would have been so easy to slip away from them and get lost in the crowd or to run in front of one of the cars that where speeding by but I didn’t even want to right then, it would have been a travesty to do something so brutal when something so pure and beautiful was happening right in front of my eyes.
Don’t let me down
I had been worried about the day Emmet and Esmee had planed for me but once I got over the first few bumps and began to realise the day was about having fun and doing normal things and not about moaning at me because all the clothes in the adult department didn‘t fit I got in to the swing of things quickly and rekindled my love of one of the hobbies I used to love most even more so when A- Bell was alive; shopping.”
“What about this.” Esmee asked regressing to a teenager as she pulled a black short sleeve top with a silver pattern on off of the rack of child’s clothes and held it in the air in front of her chest for me to look at, “You would look stunning in this.” The top looked stupidly small pressed up against her chest and for a split second before Sophie shit it down I wondered weather it really was a bad thing that I was thin enough to need children’s clothes.
“
That is sooo cute!” I squealed much like a child my self before becoming embarrassed and putting a lid on top of my bubbling enthusiasm pressing Sophie‘s voice down and ignoring it; no one was going to steam my day not even her.
“
Good!” Esmee smiled admiring the top one more time before throwing it in the shopping basket she held that was all ready half full of various bits in pieces that I liked including some Jeans that where actually the right length for me which was rare as I was in a sizes designed for a 13 year old.
“You are going to look super stunning just like your new room will be after we get all your new things up on the walls, it will be a cute fest with all those pictures of baby animals, in fact I may find some excuse to spend a lot of time in your room during shifts. Esmee smiled
“
My room is a bit plain,” I admitted “and I haven’t managed to get any new clothes for a long time mine must have been looking a little bit shabby so I am glad I got some new things.”
“Well naturally you look completely gorgeous in all of it!”
Esmee said almost bouncing slightly on the balls of her feet as she looked through the pile of clothes in her basket “and I think you have enough new stuff to last you for some time, So are you ready to leave Mi? if we are going to go and play in the park for a bit with Mia and get back to the unit on time we are going to have to get a move on.” Esmee said checking her watch where her alarm usually was. I liked that fact that it was missing from Esmee it made her seem more human when the little black wrist alarm wasn’t just sitting there asking to be pushed all of the time; it made it seem like maybe she just trusted me a little bit: which was more then what I trusted my self
“
I forgot about the swings,” I admitted, “ I guess I was just having such fun shopping, but I can’t wait to take Mia to the park, I don’t think this day could get any better; I have never had such a great birthday.” I beamed looking at both Emmet and Esmee trying to stop the tears of happiness from swimming out of my eyes. Emmet and Esmee had given me a birthday that I had only ever dreamt about when I was living at home with my mother and what ever “toy” she had living with her at the time and they where nothing to me apart form two very caring nurses in a hospital.
“
Well I am about to make it better,” Emmet smiled coming close to me and softly squeezing my fore arm. “Esmee Mia and myself are going to head on up to the park after you have paid for all of your things and give you twenty minutes to do what you like on your own; you will meat us there right?”
“
Really? I asked shocked looking over at Esmee for confirmation of what he was saying; it seemed imposable that he was granting me twenty minutes of freedom again. “You’re joking right?”
“
No but there are some rules and this is the serious bit.” Emmet said his face going firm and I tried to arrange mine to do the same thing; it seemed rude grinning lie the cat off of Alice in wonderland as he laid down the ground rules.
“
You have exactly twenty minutes from when I say with the possible buffer of about two minutes if you call us and tell us you will be late and where you are on this,” Emmet said firmly before going into his pocket and taking out a very old brick like mobile phone “are numbers are in there. If you do not come back on time the police will be called and your description will be given where they will find you and take you back to the unit where you will spend your time locked in the ECA until Dr Jordan decides you can leave again, but it will be likely that you spend a fair old time in there and you will never get unescorted leave again, do you understand?” Emmet asked firmly his liquid green eyes going solid. “I trust you Mia and I know you can do this, I wouldn’t ask it of you if you couldn’t, don’t let me down OK.”
She is here .
With a happy wave Emmet and Esmee left carrying my many bags of shopping with them. There was panic in me but it wasn’t as intense as before the cars where not so fast and the smells not so over powering plus I knew where I was going now. A place I hadn’t been in such a long while but my 16th birthday seemed a good time to do it. I had to talk with A bell.
A bell lived by the stream where we always sat and chatted together. We spent hours on are little patch curled up together face to face are fingers lousily entwined into each others sometimes talking sometimes just listening to the gentle flowing of the water beside us. Arabella and my self never needed any words, just each other. Here at the stream A bell would now would live in me forever and it was time I went to see her again.
Wandering my way down two ally ways and along the streets on my own I moved further and further away from the still busy city centre until finally I could here the babbling water from are little stream. Its sound melted through my body and alerted all my numbed senses but this time not in a bad way. It was electric it was a hot beautiful sweet smelling energy that filled up every pour on my skin and made me free feeling closer to flying away into paradise then any human had a right to. All this just proved that Arabella was by my side because it would have been impossible to feel like that without her near me however it appeared that today, Arabella wasn’t alone.
The monster with the angel
“
Mia…Mia Dorado.” I snapped my eyes open at the sound of the all to familiar voice saying my name, a cold chill running down my spine eliminating the electric beauty of before Like a bucket of water being thrown over a tiny candle and there he stood. He was older now with a lot less hair and what he did have was now a dark shade of grey. He also looked a lot shorter but that might have been because I had grown since I last saw this man towering over me however he smelt the same. the all to familiar smell of rotting teeth, unwashed clothes, cigarettes and alcohol that was trying to be masked by a cheap aftershave and he carried the same feeling with him, the same nauseating dread that bubbled from my stomach and then spread around my whole body making my Hairs stand up on end and my mouth dry.
“
Daddy Joe.” I whispered
On a knife edge
“
Mia! I can’t believe it’s you” Joe shouted his lips widening into his toothless grin that I had never wanted to see stretched over his gaunt face again. “My little Mia,” He said again sounding nostalgic as he advanced forward and embraced my body in an awkward hug, I stiffened automatically as my face was pressed into his foul smelling jumper that made the side of my face itch. “Look at you!” He said again holding me away from him by the shoulders and looking me up and down like I was something he had just bought in a shop and he had ownership of; something that was his to play with and break.
“
You’re not my little girl anymore are you” Joe said as his eyes slowly diverted from my face and rested on my breasts. “You’re a woman now,” he almost hissed licking his lips before he no longer could resist the temptation to reach out and have a feel of my chest. I took two steps back as I felt his hands on me and the nauseating dread exploded around my body in a boiling volcano of heat and fear.
“
Oh come on honey girl, don’t be shy.” Joe said again before stepping towards me as I took two steps back away from him. This seemed to infuriate him; like some how the toy he had just purchased wasn’t working like it should and he felt cheated, and that wasn’t on, he would get his way one way or another. Grabbing me roughly by the shoulders he shook me twice before knocking me to the grass with a grunt. My heart raced jumping up into my mouth and I closed my eyes tight not wanting to see him, hoping that some how my mind was playing tricks on me and that he wasn’t really there. Hoping that some how I had gone insane.
With shaking hands and a crazed smile Joe wrenched the layers of clothing up over my head before tracing his dirty fingertips over the creases and folds of my abdomen and breasts his eyes big with excitement and an increased desire to see more, to feel more, to lose his self in the complete ecstasy he felt when our bodies interlocked.
“
Daddy’s going to fuck her and Mia’s going to love it.” Sophie’s voice danced in my head in her musical tone causing the tears to gather into my eyes. My body hurt with a heavy aching and my limbs trembled I tried to remember how to become numb, after all it had happened before but my body was to alert to stray, to alive and suddenly far to angry; who gave him the right to do this?
“
Get the fuck off of me your dirty little bastered I yelled pushing my hands out and up against his body with as much force as I could manage making him fall backwards off of me but he was lightning fast and was on me in seconds his legs knelt either side of mine and his left arm pressed tightly across my throat crushing my wind pipe, but it was what was in the right hand that caught my attention, his pocket flick knife posed and locked at the ready; the blade glinting in the sun.
Daddy’s piece of meat
It should of caused me immense pain but I felt nothing as Joe pressed the tip of the knife into my skin and slowly dragged the edge across the surface like he was opening a present, The skin split open as if he was about to operate on me however actions like these had ceased to cause me any pain a long time ago and as unintentional as it was Joe might have just thrown me a rope; just made what he was about to do bearable.
“
You like that yeah bitch.” He grunted as he put the knife down beside him on the grass so he could unbutton his zipper on he worn jeans and yank mine down with my underwear just past my knees
Nothing could prepare me for the pain I felt though as he pushed is erect penis into me making it fell like I was being ripped to shreds and nothing could stop the shriek of agony that burst out through my mouth as he began the to thrust him self in deeper but he didn’t seem to here the screaming or notice the tears that poured out of my alert pain filled eyes as the world began to spin around me, and this was the man who was meant to love me and look after me. This was the person I was forced to call daddy every day for years but the relationship had always ever been one way for I was never daddy’s little girl; I was daddy’s piece of meat.
Twelve minutes of a nightmare
When I come round Joe was long gone. Like somehow I had just been pulled into one of my nightmares but I also new that wasn’t the case as the pain I now felt was very real. The cuts on my stomach and breast stung angrily as my blood seeped from the wounds and flowed down over the sides of my body onto the grass underneath and the ripping pain that I always felt after he had his fun with me was also present as well as the feeling of dirtiness that I would never be able to wash off.
Disorientated I got to my feet and did the zip back up on my jeans before pulling my black oversized hoodie back on over my head to disguise my heavily bleeding wounds before I dug into my pocket and took out the mobile phone Emmet had give me with their numbers on. First I glanced at the time to make sure I wasn’t Late for them and was surprised when I realised only twelve minutes had passed since they had left me, it felt like twelve years to me and for a split second I brought up Esmee’s number and was about to push the call button so I could sob down the phone to her, telling her what he had done before the same brick wall came and hit me in the face, there was no way I could tell her in reality what he had done, not even now could I make the words form to tell on my father figure, but I couldn’t just do nothing either because I new I couldn’t live with what had just happened to me again. I new the pain and hate inside me would only grow until it was choking and I couldn’t face it so I had to do something else, so walking stiffly from the pain I was in I took the five pound note out of my pocket and started making my way to the pharmacy.
I would not fail
I sat on the bench on the side of the street and pushed another packet of tablets out of their foil containers before throwing them into my mouth and swallowing with a big mouth full of pop. I felt them go down and settle uncomfortably on top of the other two packs before I began pushing the tablets out of the next packet with little satisfying pops. Breathing deeply I placed them in my mouth forcing them down my throat having to take some deep breaths to stop me puking them on the floor. I had another two packets to get down yet. I would not fail
For them I weep
I could barely walk as I finished off the rest of the tablets but knew I was dangerously close to being late for Emmet and Esmee and that wasn’t what I wanted. The plan was to act normal and pretend I was still happy that nothing had changed and I suppose in a way I was. The day had been one of the best days of my stupid little life. I was happy and I never felt more wanted and that was the other reason why it should be my last day too. It in a strange way it would be a perfect ending to it.
I couldn’t feel any sicker as I made my way stumbling and tripping towards the park that was just off to the right at the end of the street I was on. I knew I Must have been bleeding heavily as I could feel the warm drips of ruby liquid beginning to dribble down my legs. I wanted to fall to the ground shivering curled up into a ball but it would ruin the end; it would ruin my last day.
It seemed almost strange as I breathed in and out, counting each one in my foggy brain. It was weird knowing that I was dying but no one else around me knew it. It felt like they should be running around shouting and trying to help but it was only me that knew it would be the last time I ever walked down this familiar city street, The last time I heard the noises around me and smell all the smells. It was sad but a happy sadness. The world had hurt me lots and it felt like if there was a god he had given up on me a long time ago. Emmet and Esmee where the only people in my life who had cared about me the only two people bar my precious A bell who showed me love and respect and It was for Emmet and Esmee that I now wept. They where the only people it would hurt me to lose.
999 emergency
I smiled as I walked into the park and saw Emmet pushing a squealing Mia in the swings her ginger hair flying gracefully behind her in the wind along with the ends of her skirt. I had made it there just on time to not be late which was no easy task as it now felt like my whole body was trying to walk on water and every little movement was causing the familiar black spots to erupt over my vision.
Through hazy eyes I saw Esmee sat down on a bench at the other end of the park and I started to make my way over to her concentrating heard to keep the nausea contained to my stomach and my reluctant feet walking in a straight line.
Esmee had not seem me yet, her eyes where fixed permantly on Mia; her face set ino a huge smile as she watched her daughter fly gracefully though the air. It was easy to see that Esmee’s love for her daughter was intense, a passion as strong as the burning sky above. She adored the little girl that flew high with her hands in the air more then she adored life it’s self. She worshiped every tiny finger and every little toe and would sooner through her self off a cliff then see any harm come to her. My heart ached with a hollow burning pain for someone to love me like that, for someone to care for me just a quarter as much as Esmee cared for her, but no one ever had and no one ever would.
“
Hay there Kiddo!” Esmee said smiling as I reached the bench and sat down next to her my stomach lurching towards my throat in a protest to the poison that was now swimming around it destroying everything.
“
Did you have a good time out there on you own?” Esmee asked smiling over at me, my heat ached as I tried to return the smile to her because part of me new that I would never see it again and with out really realising I took hold of Esmee’s hand and squeezed it tight the tears welling up in my eyes as the nausea rolled in my tummy.
“
What’s the matter sweet heart?” Esmee asked gently turning to look at me while pulling the hair off of my hot and sticky pale face. “Mi honey you’re burning up, Esmee said concerned putting the back of her hand against my fore head, “and you are so pale, are you not feeling very well?” She asked concerned taking hold of my wrists between her thumb and two fingers “Your pulse is hammering away, we should get you back.”
“
I am fine,” I tried to reassure Esmee but as always my body refused to play along with my game and the tiny movement of moving my head to smile at Esmee flipped my stomach into my mouth and I lurched forward throwing up a mixture of pop and half dissolved tablets on to the grass in front of me
“
Wow honey.” Esmee said placing her hand on my back and leaning over with me as I hurled again onto the grass, the world spinning around me.
On seeing what I was throwing up Esmee’s voice turned frantic.
“Mi… Mi I know you have overdosed OK, I can tell by what you are throwing up but you need to tell me what on and how many you took Ok” Esmee said touching the soggy top my jeans where the blood hand socked through. She withdrew her hand quickly to look at the blood covering over it and her face turned even paler than it all ready was,
“
Where are you bleeding from my honey?” Esmee asked again, I pointed at my stomach before gagging on the nausea that flooded back up my throat; expelling more of the tablets back out on the grass’ each one a chance gone at this suicide attempt actually working
“
I’m going to take your jumper off OK so I can have a look. Do you think they are bad?” I nodded as Esmee leant over and pulled my hoodie gently up over my heavy body.
The white tee shirt underneath was completely covered in red blood that now began to pump out faster. I groaned as Esmee sprang into action and pressed her bare hands heavily against my tee shirt trying to stem the bleeding.
“
Emmet!” Esmee yelled louder then I had ever heard her shout before. “Emmet 999 emergency!”
My beautiful suicide in reality
“
I will be back in a minute OK mia.” Emmet shouted to his daughter over his shoulder as he took off at a run across the field towards Esmee and my self as I flopped over again vomiting more tablets onto the floor.”
“
There better up then down.” Esmee said gently as she still tried to stem the blood flowing from my abdomen with my all ready saturated jumper and her hands making herself look almost as bloody as me.
“
What have you taken and how many.” Emmet asked firmly pressing three numbers into his phone and placing it to his ear. He wasn’t angry but he was firm and with such an authority I couldn’t refuse to tell him,
“
Paracetamole and ibuprofen,” I mumbled my head going fuzzy. “about 200 of each,” I mumbled again as my head began to spin and blackness descended on me making the ground come rising up to great me as my heavy barley conscious body toppled forward like a rag dolls off of the park bench.
“
Ok… lets get you lied down” Esmee said grabbing me just before I fell on my face, Swiftly pulling my body onto the floor before leaning over me pushing my limbs into the recovery position, I had no strength left in my limbs to either protest or help her with what she was doing and the sounds around me where becoming mere echoes; my vision a black and white blur.
I closed my eyes and willed the blackness to take me so it could stop my pain that burned though every inch of my body however my stomach had other ideas and cramped up in another angry protest to the poison that seeped into my blood stream and again more vomit rushed up my through my throat so forcefully it caused me to choke, which caused me to vomit again in a vicious never ending cycle of Agony.
“
Spit it out darling.” Esmee said to me in a tearful tone as she opened my mouth and very gently put a bloody finger inside to help me get the vomit out of my mouth and onto the grass beside me to stop me chocking; I tried to smile to thank her.
Somewhere in the distance I heard the echoing sirens speeding towards are destination and the haunting high pitched noise of a crying baby that hurt more then any thing else as I guessed the crying child was Mia and she had been left alone while her parents took their time up caring for the all ready too far gone.
“
Mia,” I whispered painfully as I threw up a foul smelling bile that dribbled down the side of my face onto the prickly grass below me. “Help Mia, forget about me.” I chocked as some vomit blocked my wind pipe and prevented me from breathing making me retch loudly as my every muscle in my body went into a spasm that made me feel like someone was slowly cutting all of my limbs off.
“
She’s fitting,” Esmee moaned as I felt two hands restraining my hands to the floor and two more against my ankles which only made my back arch involuntarily and my stomach heave towards my mouth and that was when I realised that this was the brutal reality to the romantic picture of suicide that was printed in photos and written in the love stories like Romeo and Juliet and it wasn’t all that it was made out to be, in reality the end of a life was messy and debilitating and excruciatingly painful and it was with this in my head the black wave finely crashed over me; taking me away.
Heaven, hell, or something worse
I opened my eyes to bright lights and for a moment I thought it was over; I thought I was dead. I new I was in hell though as my body ached from top to toe still and the nausea still whirled like a washing machine in my stomach but none of this mattered as much as one big thing, there was someone still missing which could only ever make it the darkest pits of hell; Arabella.
It was only as my senses woke up more I realised that the bright lights where actually strip lights that moved so fast above me they became blurred and the buzzing shadows that lingered at the very edges of my field of vision where actually paramedics exchanging information with each other. No I wasn’t in heaven however I wasn’t in hell either I was somewhere worse; A&E
I’m going to live with A- Bell
The contents of my stomach churned in protest as we rounded a corner into the entrance of the A&E and with no warning the bile ploughed up my throat again making me choke as I was now lying on my back with an oxygen mask over my face; nice.
She’s vomiting!” Someone yelled in the distance as I choked on my own vomit and the trolley came to an abrupt stop before many pares of hands grabbed onto whatever part of me they could find and pulled me to the side tugging the oxygen mask off of my face so I could heave the black bile into a dish that was being held beside my chin by an anonymous gloved hand. I heaved again pulling my all ready stretched muscles in my stomach but the bile refused to come up on the first round making me dry heave a further five times and the whimpering tears start falling from the immense physical pain it caused.
“
It’s all right your doing well honey,” I heard Esmee say gently before pulling my hair back from my face tying it up with her trusted elastic band before she rubbed my back gently in comfort as I continued to continuously dry heave between bouts of actual vomiting.
“
It hurts!” I squeaked after the nausea subsided after what felt like ten minutes of solid heaving giving me a chance to clutch at my agonizing ribs
“
I know sweet heart, I’m sorry I wish there was something I could do to make the pain go away.” Esmee soothed gently as her own voice cracked with the evidence of tears she was trying but falling to keep contained.
I felt Esmee’s helplessness deep within me and I hated my self for putting her through what I had, I didn’t hate the fact the I new I was dying but I hated the fact that in the process I made her cry, I hated the fact that she had to see me like I was because of her vary nature it would be killing her to know there was nothing she could do to make the pain go away. I also know my death would haunt her forever because she wasn’t able to save me.
“
It’s OK Esmee.” I whispered in a sore voice as I moved my hand towards hers and she squeezed it gently, “Don’t be sad, please don’t be sad for me, there was nothing you could of done to stop this and you made my last day perfect.” I soothed gently
“
I’m’ not taking your goodbyes Mi,” Esmee said stiffly her voice quivering from the tears she could no longer contain “Your not going anywhere my love,”
“
No Esmee. I think I’m dying, well at least it feels like I’m dying,” I mumbled allowing my eyes to close again “but that’s OK, I am going to live with A-bell” I finished glad that the blackness took me again before I could here to much of the soft sobbing that escaped from Esmee’s lips
Putting some weight behind the situation
“
This is Mia Dorado age 16 has taken a large overdose of standard Paracetamol and ibuprofen tablets. There are also four large lacerations across her stomach and breasts which are also believed to be self inflicted.” I heard one of the paramedics announce as my head swam back into the present time. His description seemed so unfair to me, I had taken the tablets but I had not made the cuts, I had took all the tablets because of the cuts, because I had been hurt once to often, but still I could not find the voice in me to speak up and tell them what had really happened; he found me again.
“
What are her blood pressure and oxygen stats?” A woman asked before she bent over my body and started gently slapping me in the face, “Mia, Mia can you open your eyes for me Mia; you are in the hospital and I’m Doctor Webb Why did you try and kill your self Mia?” The doctor yelled persistently until Very slowly I half opened my right eye; one solitary tear crashing down over my cheek.
“
Her oxygen is a bit unpredictable,” The same paramedic who had done the rest of the hand over continued, “Mid to high flow oxygen keeps them in the right area though and her blood pressure is low but stable, however Mia is currently an impatient at the apple gate house children’s unit where she is receiving treatment for Anorexia Nervosa which causes her to suffer with low blood pressure anyway.”
“
Do we know her current weight and the weight she was at her worse? The doctor asked “and height?”
I almost laughed at the question, there would have been a time when I could of told her my exact weight at any exact time during the day but after a few weeks at the unit it was decided my daily weight tracker would be done with myself mounting the scales backwards so I couldn
’t find out how much fatter they had made me, which still killed me inside.
“
She is five foot six but I would rather tell you her weights in private as she is not meant to know.” Esmee said weekly form somewhere beside the bed they had transferred me to while they where handing over to each other.
“
While it’s about time she finds out because I don’t have time to be messing about here if you want me to save her life,” The doctor said in an almost growl towards Esmee that made me want to sit up in the bed and slap her around the face. Esmee was so loving there was no way anyone should have been aloud to be rude or unkind to her.
“
She’s six stone nine currently however she was admitted at five stone exactly” Esmee whispered defeated by Dr. Webb’s persistence and her want for me to live though the latest attempt on my life however with the numbers revealing something so obscenely huge I had never wanted an overdose to work more then I had then.
Charcoal; great for drawing with, not so good to ingest.
“
I weigh how much!” I yelled springing to a seated position on the bed in seconds pushing past everything that tried to pull my body back down towards the mattress.
“
Told you she would take it well.” Esmee grumbled sarcastically rolling her eyes at the doctor before she stepped forward to my bedside and tried to wrestle me back down towards the bed again which I couldn’t fight even though every part of me tried to go against it; If I was truly that fat I had no time for lying down.
“
I’m over six stone!” I protested angrily to anyone who was close enough to here me, “Hell I’m even closer to seven stone then I am six!” I shrieked appalled as the numbers stabbed me in the corner of my head. How the hell had they managed to make me six stone nine in so little time it had been no more then three moths and they had pilled nearly two stone onto my all ready grotesque frame.
“
Drink this.” Someone demanded in the background of my calculating head as I tried to wok out exactly how many calories they had been trying to put into my system every day; over three thousand, probably closer to…
The taste hit the back of my mouth like a wrecking ball to the side of a house and I sputtered violently covering my self and the nurse who was trying to syringe the stuff into my mouth in the thick black worst tasting substance to man; charcoal.
Two to hurl
Every part of my body reacted against the charcoal and it unnaturally bad taste. I would have refused to have taken it if the syringe hadn’t been lodged so far into the back of my throat I had no chose to swallow the foul tasting substance unless I wanted to choke on it.
The blackness got everywhere and from my experience stained everything that it touched as a permanent gritty reminder that it tasted so terribly bad however even though the nurse could see that there was no way I could swallow that quickly she continued to push it in so fast to my mouth there was no let up as the stuff dribbled out the sides of my mouth and down my neck to soak into the all ready vomit covered blanket that was lied roughly over my breasts as a bleak effort to protect my modesty even though I had become topless and braless in my transition to the hospital from the park.
“
oh lovely,” Emmet flinched as I saw him enter in the side of the bay as the charcoal did it’s job and shot back up my throat from the direction it had just gone and splashed into the bottom of a washing up bowl sized cardboard contianer that was on the table in front of me. Even Esmee’s skin had turned into a porcelain white colour as she watched in the background occasionally swallowing hard and looking away her shaking hand’s scrunched into fists around the fabric of her blood stained bleached effect Jeans.
“
Can you stay?” Esmee practically shouted at Emmet when she saw him bounding across the room with her hand pressed over her face like she was about to throw up her self.
“
I can, do you need to leave? Do you want me to come?”
“I ‘m going to hurl; sorry.” Esmee said shortly if not more quietly to Emmet before he scooted out of her way and she took off out of the bay at a run.
Years to remember
Esmee
I hadn’t wanted to leave Mi but I was glad that I had when I span my body sharply into the nearest toilet in the emergency department waiting room just in time to throw my self down on my knees to puke heavily into the toilet bowl scolding my self on the inside for doing so. I had promised my self that I would not vomit when they Had mentioned the dreaded substance somewhere near me not loud enough so Mi could here but I could, but my past memories had won over in the end and I had no choice but to bolt from the room or hurl on the floor.
“
For goodness sake pull your self together Esmee.” I said bitterly before getting back to my feet pulling the flush and turning to the mirror half expecting to see my own mouth and teeth covered in thick black chalky charcoal that had just been pushed - almost violently- down Mi’s mouth, however there was nothing there only my vary white - complete with vary faint smudges of Mi‘s dried blood - face staring back at me.
It had been years since It had been me half sat up on that bed covered in blood, sick and the intolerably disgusting poison control substance they had called activated charcoal. So many long years but I could still remember the taste of it clearly in my mouth and the smell of the Paracetamol that was usually odourless unless taken in huge quantities, and I could still feel all the feelings just bubbling somewhere underneath my skin, the hurting, the dizziness and the fear; the devastating stomach churning fear at knowing that even though it was what you had asked for those hours you where living there and then could be your last ones alive.
“
But you survived Esmee,” I said trying to comfort my reflection as my bottom lip began to quiver. “You tried to kill your self but you are still alive and now you have to be there for this scared little girl because there was no one there for you; this is the reason you became a nurse.” I muttered trying to be brave but in the end nothing could stop the wave of tears the swept over my body and I slipped down the bathroom wall with my head in my hands allowing very briefly for the sobbing to take over me.
Shadowing fear
Mi
The tablets took me. I had fought there effects but now I had a belly full of charcoal and a drip pumping in as much poison into my vains as I had and I felt pretty unwell; like I was dying. It was hot outside and I had a pile of blankets on top of me but my who body trembled with a clod that I felt deep within me. And the sickness had turned from bad to downright violent bringing up projectile green and black bile with little or no notice not to mention the crushing and twisting abdominal pain that ripped though my trembling body at any given moment taking all my effort not scream out in agony. Emmet had begged them to give me something for the pain but weather he agreed or not the doctor had protested that any pain killer would make it worse for me even though he had given them a list of at least four that contained neither Paracetamol nor Ibuprofen.
I vomited again trying to aim as best as I could at the dish that Emmet kept permanently propped up under my chin now that I couldn’t sit up to vomit but missed and once again threw most of the black and green substance onto the plastic protector that Emmet kept changing for a new one every time that I missed my target.
“
It’s all right darling, it’s OK.” Emmet soothed folding up the protector and bowl and taking it away before replacing it with another one.
“
Am I going to die?” I whispered opening my eyes into the slightest slits so I could look into Emmet’s eyes so I could tell weather he was lying to me but there had been no need for me to as he had no words of any comfort to give anyway, instead he forced one small smile out at the same time as two big tears fell from his eyes and he put his hand under the pile of covers searching until he found mine and squeezed it tightly in his; more emphasis in it then there ever had been before.
“
I don’t know baby. “ he said gently his voice braking over the words he didn’t want to say.
“
Emmet; I’m scared.” I admitted two of my tears matching his as they rolled down over my cheeks and onto the sheet underneath.
“
I know honey,” Emmet said softly before he go to his feet and as gently as silk brushed my sticky hair off of my fore head and kissed me very gently like he was tucking his daughter into bed for a good nights sleep, “I’m a little bit scared too.”
Going nuclear
The need to vomit and the intense twisting agony in my tummy is what made me wake up and scream out loud, far from getting better the pain had intensified and now no matter how hard I tried I could not stop my self from making the agony I was in vocal.
“
Ok sweet heart, all right, is it the pain?” Emmet asked concerned moving out the way just in time so the projectile bile didn’t hit him smack in the middle of his shirt.
“
It hurts!” I panted unable to catch my breath against the twisting inside of me, “It hurts!” I wailed dry heaving more against the pain then the fact I was going to be sick again.
“
This is bloody ridicules.” Esmee snapped shortly more to her self then anyone else. I wasn’t sure how long she had been back in the room but her eyes where red rimmed and blood shot like she had been crying and her hair was messier then usual accompanied by the fact that she still had some of my dried blood on her cheek; she looked more like a patient then a nurse.
“
There are a million and one pain killers they can give her not to mention anti sickness meds they are doing this for another reason, I know what it is and I am not impressed.”
“
Take cover A&E Esmee’s about to go nuclear.” Emmet said under his breath though he smiled lovingly at his wife like every little thing she said and did made him fall in love wither her all over again.
“
She sure is; you just watch her.”
The pain is a consequence, but I was all ready hurting.
Doctor Webb this is cruel!” Esmee snapped as she dragged the doctor over to my bed side where I still half screamed when the waves of pain come to grab at me from the insides out, “Her pain is clearly unmanageable, there has to be something you can give her to ease it.”
“
Pain killers are what got her into this situation I don’t see how prescribing more are going to help?
“
Ok I know I’m not a doctor but I am a senior nurse so I damn well know that there are a load of painkillers out there that do not contain Paracetamol or Ibuprofen which could ease Mi’s pain and do her no damage at all, and on another matter why has she not been given any ant- sickness medication?” Esmee said shortly puffing her self up to her full height which still looked ridicules compared to Dr. Webb‘s lanky height.
“
Look I am sorry she is in pain but I have a hundred and one genuine patients in here who need my help and I don’t see why I should waste time and money giving out medication when the patient wants to die anyway; maybe if she sees how truly hideous the consequences of her actions are she will think twice about wasting our time again.”
Twenty three
Emmet got to his feet so quickly it hurt the back of my eyes to follow him and I swore I actually saw Esmee shoot fire out of her smouldering black eyes at the same time as she made a deep almost feral growl in the back of her throat her lips curled up in frustration past her teeth like she was actually fighting with the urge to bite the woman in front of her. Whatever had happened the Esmee standing next to my bed now was not the tender loving Esmee that I new but a worrier of long standing battles she refused to lose.
“
You unprofessional, naive troll!” Esmee hissed through her teeth “Its people like you that make people like us not get the help that we so desperately need.”
Us, something about the simple word sat uneasy with me, us was a plural word that included her self where she didn
’t belong, us suggested that the help she was on about; the help for an overdose had been needed for herself as well. Us suggested the unthinkable; us suggested that Esmee had once tried to take her life too.
“
Do you think she wasn’t hurting enough? Can you really begin to imagine the shit going on inside of her head to make her want to actually kill her self; to not go on existing! Do you really think she needs to be punished more?”
“
Easy kitty cat,” Emmet soothed unclenching Esmee’s balled up hands with his own
“
No, I wont take it easy! It has to be said,” Esmee protested, “she has no idea of how much it hurts and she needs to know before she thinks she is above any of us. I mean would you treat me like you have treated her?” Esmee asked Dr. Webb staring directly into her shell shocked eyes; forcing her to answer.
“
You haven’t tried to kill you self.” the doctor mumbled
“
Oh but I have. I have taken no less then twenty three overdoses in my time and never have I been treated as appallingly as Mi has been now! Now may I quietly suggest you get off of your high horse and give Mi the right medication before I don’t just complain I call the police for abusing the venerable in your care!”
Look at me and see hope
The information pushed into me hard making the hideous pain of before feel like nothing more then an annoying niggle in the pit of my stomach somewhere. Twenty three times she had tried to end her beautiful life, twenty three overdoses destroying her from the inside out.
“
Esmee.” I winced another bout of twisting almost knocking me off of my train of thought but nothing mattered as much as knowing why, what horror made her choice this agonising death over life, what monster had stolen her heat?
“
it’s OK my love, the doctor is going to get you some pain killers now and some anti sickness so it will become easier for you to rest OK, it will just be a little bit longer.”
“
Twenty three times.” I moaned my body still shivering violently under the mountain of blankets, “You did this twenty three times and you are here comforting me. The pain you must have felt.” I groaned clutching at my stomach as I tried once again not to cry out at the pain it still didn’t matter as much as she did.
“
Mi my love that was my old life; a life when I felt a lot like you do now, A life where I hid all the things that hurt me and took them out on my self, but a learnt over time that that was no way to live and I fought heard and I got better so I don’t want you to be scared I want you to look at me and see what I have become; you need to look at me and see hope because what I am now is something that I am proud of.”
No rest for the wicked
At that moment I wanted to tell Esmee Everything that had happened to me before when I was in the town centre and even a small part of wished I had made the other choice; taken the other path and called them up from the place where he had rapped me and told them everything then if they hadn’t believed me took the overdose but still I know the rejection I would of felt as she turned away from me would have cause me more pain then any number of tablets could have. A pain that would have made even a few more seconds of life unbearable and just as I had opened my moth to tell her the real reason of my cuts I closed it again defeated by his forever shouting voice in my head telling me that no one would believe me any way and if I told anyone they would call me a lire and put me away in the loony bin.
“
but I am all ready there.” I said quietly to the voice in my head. “You put me there in the end you did this to me and I never told a soul about your games and just when I thought I was safe…” I hadn’t realized until then but I had been talking aloud to the monster inside my head like I sometimes did when they seemed so real; like he was sitting there next to me.
“
Are you all right Mi? Esmee asked looking at Emmet suspiciously; both of them working out individually but simultaneously that I was hearing something that they could not. “Who are you talking to honey? Can you tell me what they’re saying to you?” Esmee asked gently arranging her face into a cool nonchalant smile that seemed so unnatural on her in a why; In reality she was never nonchalant about anything especially if it was hurting someone.
Of course Emmet and Esmee new Sophie sometimes talked to me and they had heard me tell her to go away out loud before but never had I sat there and had a conversation with her in front of them so they new this was something different and as there worried faces hand suggested before all there training kicked in something to worry about; sane people did not talk to the voices in their head.
“
I’m talking to my self, I yelped as another shot of pain hit me and the nausea clenched at my stomach before rolling up my throat in the space of seconds a cruel and nasty reminder that there was no rest for the wicked like my mother always said to me when I wined about burning my hands on the iron because I was too little to hold it properly, however mercifully I had been given a few minutes respite from the sickness and pain; that was more then my mother had ever given me from the housework.
“
Oh not again,” I yelped as the pain once again intensified and I vomited two mouthfuls of sticky black bile half into the bowl and half onto the protector beside my face. “I want it to stop,” I yelped the tears taking over me my resolve at coping with the pain depleting every second , I may have deserved it but it didn’t make it any easier.
“
It’s all right sweet heart it will go away soon.” Esmee soothed just before I felt every one of my muscles start to contract and convulse again like they had done back at the park before the ambulance had come.
“
She’s fitting again! Esmee shouted which sent two of the A&E nurses running in my direction just before with one more heave of sickness revealing bright red blood splashing violently onto the protector and onto the floor I felt my head slip away into the blackness.
This pain didn’t hurt
The back of my school chair rhythmically bounced back and forwards against the desk in front of me as I tried unsuccessfully to listen to the science tutorial of the practical we would later be made to do.
My ribs burned angrily as they where once again bounced into the desk in front of me and I had to disguise a yelp with a cough. Not that it mattered, Mr Summers knew what was happening; Every one did. It was just easier not to address the issue of the girls behind me who were kicking my chair but let them get on with it for they all new I wouldn’t complain; I had no one to complain to.
I stared out of the windows longingly looking at the birds that were being battered by the storm far up into the sky. I would of endured all the rain in the world if it would have been possible to fly away from the class of soggy wet teenagers that all smelled faintly of wet dog thanks to the weather and the crap heating system but I had been trying to runaway form everything for a long time never getting anywhere fast.
“
Mia were you listening to a word of what I just said?” Mr Summers asked the tone of his voice raised to get my attention and snap me out of my numbing daydream.
“
Sorry sir.” I mumbled as my body shot forward with a jolt to hit the desk again making the rest of the class burst out into a cruel laughter and my cheeks turn into a vibrant red.
I wanted to scream at him to do something. I wanted to fly off of my chair like a girl possessed and rip and scratch and tare at him so he new what it felt like inside to be continually got at each and every day and to have the very people who where meant to help you ignore it but instead I sat there and gulped down bitter angry tears before they could fall from my eyes and give my game away.
I wanted to become numb, I wanted to become a stone statue with no emotion and no feeling and I wanted to fade away with out any one noticing and for what it was worth I new how to make it happen; I new how to make all the pain go away.
“
Well start your practical’s. You have to the end of class.” Mr summers said before sitting down behind his desk to keep an eye over the class.
With a shaking hand I picked up the wooden splint and lit it on the burner that was all ready alight in front of me. The colours and the heat as the splint caught alight was amazing and electric and there it was, that was all that mattered. Like some how the rest of the class had disappeared around me and every other colour had turned to an inky black and all there was, was the delicate dancing of the yellow and orange flames on the splint; my pain relief.
With out thinking of what I was doing or where I was I lifted the sleeve of my jumper and pressed the lighted end to my fore arm like it was the most normal thing in the world. It was as easy and felt as right as breathing.
The pain was intense but glorious as the heat burned into my flesh causing it to bubble and blister in front of me. It made my anger float away from me in a red haze and the pain on the outside of my body somehow eased the pain that raged within me. This pain was amazing And fascinating. This pain didn’t hurt.
“
Mia Dorado What the hell do you think you are doing!” Shouted Mr summers knocking me out of my fantasy as he grabbed my arm with the lighted splint and frog marched me over to the sink to a backdrop of cheering and laughing. Now this pain hurt. This pain was unbearable and humiliating and without the other pain; the one that didn’t hurt. there would of been no way I could deal with this one.
Their invincible spark
Somewhere in the background I could here a low deep beeping that pressed into the side of my head. My body was too heavy to move still, even my eye lids felt like ten ton weights making them almost impossible to open however the waving nausea had settled somewhat and at that very moment the angry twisting pain that had rippled through me making it feel like someone was putting me through a vice was now nothing more then a mildly annoying tummy ach.
As my other senesce come more alert I found my like of visual annoying and wrestled my eyes open to revile the spinning inertia of a skylight side ward. The room was painted in exactly the same pink as Dream back at apple gate house however this room had scarecrow curtains up to the main outside window and the internal window that looked into the corroder and a nurses station, there was also a big cheery looking sun with a face painted into it looking at me on the wall opposite my bed which looked truly terrifying to my still groggy mind. No wonder kids cried when they where in hospital.
“
Good morning honey.” I head Emmet say gently somewhere to the right of me at which I turned my head but wished I didn’t as it felt like some had stabbed a letter opener into my head as I did it. “If any one asks I’m no doing this,” Emmet said smiling as he adjusted the canola in the back of my hand. “I think you may have had a bad dream or something; you dislodged it when you where sleeping and as I could sort it out with out getting one of the all ready overworked ward nurses I thought I would.” Emmet said gently as he started wrapping a light bandage around my hand to keep it in place.
“
How is your pain now?”
Everything hurt from top to toe still but it wasn
’t like the agony that I had felt before just a dull ach of poison fighting with cure to see who the ultimate victor would be in the end; life fighting with death.
“
The general for what it would be after you took too many tablets.”
“
I would imagine you feel like shit then to put it bluntly, however you do look in less pain then you did back in A&E.”
“
A lot less.” I agreed.
“
Oh Mi why did you do it and out of all things why take the ibuprofen? You know two hundred Paracetamol would be enough to kill you and you also know the ibuprofen won’t normally do any lasting damage just cause chronic pain and sickness and seizures, why did you want to cause your self so much pain?” Emmet sighed his whole body deflating as he talked.
It was true I had known what the ibuprofen was going to do but I hadn’t remembered exactly how painful it could have been and I had almost forgotten what it was like to throw up every few seconds and at the time of taking them I had wanted to punish…him and as I was unable to throw a few hundred Ibuprofen down his throat mine seemed like the second best idea.
“
You have never cut on your breasts before either Mi, and never as bad as that on your tummy.” Emmet moaned his voice full of sadness before he turned away to look distantly at the wall, “Mi did you deceive both of us? I mean where you not having a good time out, did you have it planned to hurt your self all the time? I mean was there something we could have done to prevent it? Emmet asked his face disappointed with me and himself, like he expected more from me, and there it was, he was doing it all over again; destroying everything from inside me for his few minutes of twisted fun but the invincible spark that was inside me that Emmet and Esmee put in me fort back making the words tumble from my mouth.
“
When you left me, he found me. When he found me… He raped me.”
No one wants to think about it
“
Down On the ocean floor that s where I’m heading for,
Hold on to a sinking stone until the worse is known,
Nobody wants to think about it
Nobody wants to talk about it
Nobody protects you.”
Nobody wants to
Crowded house
I felt my whole body start to tremble as soon as the words had left my mouth. Even though they where the truth they still seemed so alien as they where spoken. I hadn’t told Emmet to get him into trouble; I didn’t want the police or to go to court or for him to rot the rest of his life in prison I just wanted Emmet not to be disappointed in me; I wanted him to know that when he left me in that town centre I had had no intention of taking an overdose or of cutting my self. I had been happy, I had been content and he had spoilt everything.
Emmet’s face had become one of horror before twisting into shock and then into one of deep concern however disbelief never even registered, he new I wasn’t lying even though he wished I was.
“
I’m sorry.” I whispered though my shuddering breath trying to break the silence that settled upon us but my apology seemed to have got Emmet’s attention.
“
Don’t you dare apologize Mi, this is not your fault, nothing about this is your fault. Now you have done the right thing telling me honey your really have and we will punish this man he will never hurt you or any one else again.
“
No!” I shouted unable to stop my self “ It doesn’t matter Emmet, it really doesn’t I just didn’t want you to be disappointed in me anymore or to think it was your fault for leaving me or anything I just wanted you to know the reason why I did what I did, why I had enough. Surly you can see that now; you can see why I wanted it all to be over. I mean what else could I do?”
“
You could of called us Mi, we would of come and got you from where ever you where but that doesn’t matter now, I just want you to describe the person who has done this to you and tell me where you where at the time.”
“
No, I’m not doing this Emmet, I am sorry and I know you will have to call the police and they will have to question me and the doctors will want to examine me but that is all ok. I will tell the police I lied to you and they wont probe to hard because I have a nice new diagnosis of BPD (borderline personality disorder) under my belt where attention seeking happens to be one of the main symptoms as for the internal it will come back saying I am no longer a virgin and I will just say I am per miscues and they will believe me. No one wants to believe in such horrors as rape Emmet; and with my excuses they wont have to.
He’s fighting for me.
“
Mi, don’t do that.” Emmet almost pleaded taking hold of my hand holding it tightly in his “Please Mi, I know it happened, I can tell that you are not lying but you are right if you say all that they will believe that you made it up and they wont press it any further but that’s so wrong, please Mi tell them what happened, tell them everything, let them punish this monster.”
Emmet sounded almost desperate as he kept increasing the pressure on my hand, I new it as his job to try and make me do what he thought was the “right thing” but it seemed more then that like he was fighting for it on a personal level too; like somehow it mattered to him.
“
Mi please.” Emmet begged again, He had obviously caught the flicker in my eye as I had considered the alternative to lying, what would it have been like to accuse instead of run away; to stand up and say this is not right what happened? How long would it take going through the courts and would anyone be there with me, supporting me? Could I even do that? Speak badly against my own make believe father to a stranger in a uniform and would they really believe me any way?
“
Emmet, I can’t.” I sighed “You know, and that is enough for me.”
“
But I can’t do anything.” Emmet snapped “Mi, I can’t catch him and punish him for what he has done but the police can and the courts can lock him away. I can’t do anything Mi I can’t stop him.” Emmet said his desperation turning frantic as he hit the side of the mattress with his scrunched up fist.
“
You would tell me off if I had done that.” I said smiling gently at him before taking the offending hand and holding it close to myself like he would have done if it had been me beating up the mattress.
“
Mi is there any way I am going to change your mind; will anybody?”
“
I can’t, it’s him.”
“
Then stop him!”
“
I’m sorry…”
No reprimand.
The police came a few hours after Emmet had left my side to call them and let the ward nurses know what was going on. They had tried to be tactful and sent two female officers but It had made no difference to me, I all ready new the story I was going to give to anybody who walked through the door and I did, lying so efficiently that in the end I wasn’t sure weather I had actually been lying to them or telling the truth, could it have really been my overactive imagination that made up the…rape.
In the end though all that mattered was My lies worked and even though Emmet had begged me up to the very last moment to tell them what really happened I lied through my teeth and soon I had the lecture for wasting police time and the whole subject was put to rest. Joe would not be punished for what he had done to me and I would continue living on in his shadow.
Double food for thought.
“
Well Miss Dorado I am releasing you back to Apple gate house, your liver analysis as you know is perfect and the infection to your cuts has reduced enough to be treated with oral anti-biotic. Weather you like it or not young lady you are going to be fine.” Dr. Shed said ten days later after my admission and by that time any small concern that remained that I had been the victim of a brutal rape had slipped away from any of the staff that had to look after me even though they where all thinking the same thing and that was I didn’t deserve any help. Self harmers where not treated well in the walls of a hospital; self harmers who made up a story that they had been brutally raped where lucky if they got away with out being lynched, needless to say I was happy with what Dr, Shed was saying at least at apple gate house two people new the truth and that in it’s self made me feel better.
“
You have the liver of a robot Mia.” Dr. Shed said sternly looking at me over the top of her glasses again when I had given no major reaction to what she was saying. There was nothing I could say, I couldn’t thank her for saving my life because attempted suicides didn’t do that and I wasn’t going to thank her for her bedside manner which no matter how much I deserved it had been truly appalling.
Do you here what I am saying to you Mia? An overdose of that size in someone so vastly underweight should have been enough to cause liver failure, do you know how painful it is to die from liver failure.”
“
Spare me the tough love speech.” I almost snapped stooping Dr.Shed explaining to me the gory details of all the symptoms of liver failure like all the doctors and nurse had been doing for the last ten days.
The truth was there speeches didn’t scare me all that much. I new what pain felt like, I had actively tried to cause the pain by taking the ibuprofen. No matter how much I wanted my death to be quick romantic and painless, no matter how much I believed in it and fantasised about it I new that I didn’t deserve it. If I was going to die by my own had I had to make my self suffer in the process, I deserved nothing less then the agony.
“I was not trying to give you a tough love speech young lady. “ Dr. Shed snapped back raising her voice into an almost shout that finally grabbed my full attention the fear sparking inside me as I pulled my body into its barricade.
“ It is clear to me Miss Dorado that you have no sense of self preservation at all and if it was up to me I would not have treated you at all but alas it is not, so I had little choice, however if the pain doesn’t scare you into not doing this again and wasting NHS time and recourses maybe you could think about the thirteen year old girl who we had to send away to another hospital away from her parents after she had broken her spine in a car accident because you where taking up a bed on the ward.”
I shrank back into my self more hiding my face in my arms as I tried to hide the tears that had gathered into my eyes as the image of the screaming thirteen year old being transferred in the ambulance away from everything familiar settled in the for front of my mind. I never wanted to hurt any one else especially not a poor thirteen year old girl that really had needed help. I did not try to be evil, but it appeared all along Joe had been right. I Must have been bad, A deeper darker bad then I could not control; I hurt to many people to be anything over then evil.
“
You see there’s some food for thought Mia.” Dr Shed said once again looking over her glasses as she scribbled her signature down on my discharge form. She had got the reaction from me she wanted. She had got my remorse; she had got my tears and she was going to feed off of it.
Suddenly the door burst open and I jumped yelping in fear at the intrusion into my room my body beginning to tremble even though I it had only been Edward; a very angry Edward.
“
Maybe you could use this as you food for thought too. Mi is experiencing mental illness which is just as serious as any car crash and it should be taken as so. I heard everything that you just said To Mi and it was very unprofessional and I will be writing a letter of complaint and offering my help to Mi if she decides she would like to do the same thing. Now if Mi is ready I have her antibiotics and pain killers for her stomach and I would like to take her back to the unit where she wont be judged and ridiculed for being unwell. You should be ashamed of your self…” Edward snapped coming over to my side and putting a comforting hand on my shoulder.
“
I mean what the hell happened to first do no harm? You have made her cry for no reason at all.” Edward fumed handing me a grainy tissue from the box that was on my bedside table.
“
I didn’t mean to hurt any one, I am sorry, I really am.” I sniffed rubbing the rough tissue over my eyes that made them sore.
“
It isn’t your fault Mi.” Edward comforted gently before snatching the discharge form off a stunned Dr Shed. “No matter what she tried to make you think you really have done nothing wrong.”
Vampires vs. werewolves
“
Are you all right Mi?” Edward asked as he turned the key in the ignition of his brilliant red ford focus and the engine sprang into life along with his I pod that played Never think off of the twilight sound track. I suppressed a laugh into my hand while trying to cover my face with my hair.
“
Don’t judge me.” Edward snapped in a playful pout as he looked over his shoulder to reverse out of the ridiculously small parking space he had managed to jam him self into.
“
Twilight Edward.” I said now openly laughing in the front seat all the misery and doubt I had felt inside the hospital evaporating into my laughing.
“
Well you know what it was to.” Edward accused now laughing as well.
“
Edward I am a 16 year old female. It is my job to know what twilight is.” I said trying to suppress the laughing by eating my fists. “Next thing your are going to tell me you have a team Edward T- shirt I laughed whipping tears from my eyes that had been caused by the hysteria
“
Hell no!” Edward shouted finally managing to get out of the parking space on his second attempt after swearing at it many times “Team Jacob maybe.” He added in a snigger.
“
Blasphemy!” I yelled back getting more playful with him.
“
Get out!” Edward yelled pointing to the car door.
“
Good I don’t know if I want to be in the same car as an overgrown chuwawa!”
“
neither I with a leach!” Edward retorted
“
I can’t believe I am having this argument with a twenty five year old male!” I responded falling about giggling in the seat.
“
I’m twenty seven Actually.” Edward responded also bursting out into laughter too.
Lost for breath
Edward swiped his key card in the door and it opened with a long drawn out beep alerting anyone inside that someone had arrived. This time it had just happened to be me coming back in.
It was still hot in the unit as still the only cool air there was from the tiny little gap under the window. There was also the same lingering smell from the food trolley that normally resided in the hall way though at that moment it wasn’t there probably because lunch at the unit would of just finished. I mostly knew that because I still felt uncomfortably full from the cloudy liquid that had just been put down my NG tube.
I suppose your going to go and lock me in the ECA now.” I moaned trying to ignore the rattling that had signalled his arrival in my lugs, l had lived my whole life with asthma and stupid attacks; I had also tried to live my life ignoring the fact that they where there, I new asthma wasn’t something just in the head that would go away of it where ignored but I also new that the treatment for it cost t to much and I new a piece of me died every time a nebuliser was strapped onto my face.
“
Are you feeling unsafe honey?” Edward asked concerned looking into my face intently with his eyes trying to see if he could read my mind however I new he would only come up against locked doors; no one ever got inside of me.
“
No, no! I am fine!” I assured him looking at the room around me trying to get the black dots that where now swimming in front of my eyes to retreat back to where they belonged. “your on green ten minutes Mi but I of course will stay with you if you feel like you need someone or maybe you could just go and sit in the dining room or something there will probably still be loads of people in there from lunch.”
“
Edward I’m fine Ok. I lied trying to fill my lungs up with the oxygen that was refusing to come, “I will just go and sit in the dining room.” I said smiling before heading through the door to the main first floor rooms.
To noisy to ignore
My head spiralled as my chest pulled heavily in and out trying to get enough oxygen into what would have been now my vastly reduced airways. I new eventually I would pass out or stop breathing all together but that would have been better then admitting that I needed some help. I new my logic was almost stupid but the past still hit me heard and it was a hurdle I just could not jump over
The Dinning room seemed warmer and stuffier then usual as I entered it and I coughed heavily as the sweet scent of the new addition of the Lilly’s that sat on the window sill. The Lilly’s where the last thing that I needed right then. Strong scents had always been a trigger for my asthmatic lungs and flowers where the worse culprits of all; Lilly’s being the very worse.
My head reeled as my lungs squeaked another protest and I stumbled forward desperate to get to one of the windows that where opened a small crack. I knew that the fresh air would actually bring no relief at all, only a nebuliser had a chance of that now but my legs and mind worked on there own trying to find the most air they could.
“
Wow, where do you think your going sounding like that?” Esmee asked springing up behind me from no where and grabbing me by the arm before I had time to trip over my miss behaving feet.
“
Mi I could here you from three doors away we need to get you on a nebuliser before your lungs give up all together”
“
I’m fine” I wheezed in protest even though I grabbed hold of Esmee’s arm tight in an attempt to keep my self upright.
“
You most certainly are not all right.” Emmet defended before Esmee could as he materialized next to her in a split second. “I could here you from the office. Clinic room, now, or I will carry you there.
The fear of breathing
Emmet landed up practically carrying me to the clinic room anyway as my legs refused to work properly and I couldn’t take a step forward with out the world around me swimming out of focus.
Both Emmet and Esmee acted scarily quick as Esmee pushed the Clinic room door open and Emmet pulled me up onto the doctors bench pulling the back up into a blot upright seating position while swinging my legs around so they where also up on the bench before he took off over the counters like Esmee had and pulled out the machine they used to measure blood oxygen however this wasn’t what scared me it was the device that Esmee was setting up that stirred up the gremlins for fear from within me and for a second I thought about trying to roll my self off of the doctors bench and out of the clinic room door. I hadn’t used a nebuliser since the day he had made the luxury of breathing cost to much and I had promised that I would never sacrifice so much for the privilege again however Esmee was now advancing towards the bench with a made up nebuliser in her hand with the intent of making me use it, however I wasn’t going to with out a fight.
Life’s price
My lungs rattled in my rib cage like some random Halloween decoration as I forced another raspy squeaking breath out of my lungs the world around me swimming more as I breathed in trying desperately to force the air into my tiny air ways that where now no bigger then the straw on a cartoon of juice that you would give to a child.
“
Please … Brian.” I begged hardly able to force the words out from my chest with out falling completely into the swirling black that gathered in the front of my eyes. “Please Brian …… Let me…call… 9...99.” I gasped feebly trying to grab at my mobile phone he hanged just over my head out of my reach like he was torturing a puppy with a biscuit And like most puppy’s I was far to loyal or far to stupid to use the razor sharp teeth I was given and wrap them around his ankles or in my case kick him in the balls.
“
Bri…I’m… gonna die.” I tried to shout but it came out as nothing more as a crackling rasping sound from somewhere at the base of my struggling lungs.
I new they where slowly giving up from inside me and the next stage was stopping breathing altogether, even if he did give in now there was a chance that the paramedics that carried the nebuliser that I so desperately needed would come to late to save my life but the worse thing was he just didn’t care. If I died it would be shame but to him it would have been no worse then breaking a favourite toy; he could always go and find another one to ply with in the end.
“
Show me that you love me. Show me how much you want it Mia.” Brian cooed slivering his body up close to mine as he pulled down his jeans and boxers. Of course this is what he wanted; that was all he ever wanted.
“
I will.” I cried the tears pouring down over my face as the pain that gripped in my lungs intensified and my breathing become even shallower. It felt like I was drowning with out water, like the surface was miles away but you needed the air then. Like you would sell you soul for one tiny gasp of oxygen to inflate and deflate your lungs and that was what I was going to have to do Sell my soul by pretending I wanted to have sex with him. Pretending like I was enjoying my self.
“
I will do what ever you want.” I chocked out through my lungs as got i down to my knees and took his erect penis into my hands the tears still rolling out of my eyes that now had black spots over them. I was either going to die from the lack of oxygen or live only to want to die from what I was going to have to do.
“
Suck it if you want to suck air bitch.” Brian shouted thrusting he groin into my face and obediently I opened my mouth as he dialled the three numbers into my phone. I was 12 years old and I had to give my new supposed father oral sex to have the privilege of breathing, and I new it cost to much and I vowed that I would never use a nebuliser again; it cost far too much.
(in hindsight I should have vowed to bite it off.)
There lasting effects
“
I don’t do nebulisers.” I protested moving my head away from Esmee like a stubborn as she tried to strap the green elastic over the back of my head. I was vaguely aware of the persistent bleeping of the blood oxygen machine as it attempted to continually remind us all that 88% was actually a lot lower then it should have been but I didn’t really care, the technicalities of it didn’t really matter to me as long as I didn’t have to have the nebuliser.
“
The nebuliser is not up for discussion; you need this.” Esmee said forcefully trying to attach the mask back over my face again and actually managed before I forcefully scratched it off feeling my finger nails rip at the delicate skin of my face underneath but it didn’t matter any other pain was a necessity if it meant not being given the treatment.
“
Mi, we are not messing about we need to give you this, why wont you lets us?” Esmee asked almost sharply before she altered her tone as she saw the obvious tears start to swim in my eyes and down over my cheeks. I hadn’t meant to have upset Esmee or Emmet but the fear the consumed me in the face of it was too much to push down and ignore. I of course new Emmet or Esmee weren’t going to demand anything off of me for receiving the treatment, they truly did care about me but he never had and I had so wanted him to love me. With Brian like Joe I had hung on his every word and somewhere subconsciously after everything I still did. If Brian told me I didn’t deserve the medication to breathe, I didn’t deserve it.
Defying logic
“
Mi honey, I didn’t mean to be short and snappy with you but you’re having a really serious asthma attack and as you know they can be fatal so I have to give you this treatment and fast.” Esmee said now more gently as she leant forward and wiped the tears away from my face with her thumb before hocking my hair behind my ears.
“
I know your scared and there is something huge going on inside you here and I would love to sit down and try to talk you though it but there isn’t any time for that right now, even though we would both be more then happy to do that after we have got your asthma under control, Now will you please let me give you this? I understand if you don’t want it over your head you can just hold it to your face or I can or Emmet but one way or another we wouldn’t be doing are job if we let this become any more serious then it all ready it.
I fought with my self for a second trying to make my heart listen to my head, it was true they only wanted to help and the nebuliser would make all the pain go away and allow me to breath again and it wouldn’t coast anything but something in me wouldn’t let the logic win it appeared the brutality of rape and child abuse defied any logic.
“
No, I can’t… I mean… I won’t take it! I won’t!”
“
Emmet,” Esmee sighed her whole body physically deflating into its self in her weighed down sadness. “Restrain her.”
Betrayed
I reacted fast, but Emmet of course reacted faster and before I could even find the coordination to leap from the doctors bench he had slipped in behind me and restrained me to him leaving my face an open target for Esmee to plant the mask on before she restrained my legs down to the bench before I had chance to kick her.
I would have course normally never tried to kick any one especially not Esmee, she had always been so kind to me the thought of harming her was barbaric but my head had spun out of control from what felt like a brutal betrayal of the trust she had installed in me and now it was angry and intent on revenge and if that meant kicking her to get her away, in that second, I would have done it.
“
You fucking Cow.” I snarled trying to rip my arm free from Emmet’s so I could first rip the mask off of my face and then attacked them both by slapping and ripping at them with my bare hands, “You foul horrible little trolls!” I screeched pulling so hard on Emmet’s restraints I once again thought my ribs would break against the pressure.
“
Mi, calm down, I’m sorry Ok, I really am sorry but you left me with no choice. I don’t like to see you like this, I really don’t but I hand no choice in this situation.” Esmee said sounding like she was actually about to cry herself.
I struggled once more against the restraints but the mist of the nebuliser had all ready began to work and my chest was feeling loser and the percentage of oxygen in my blood was increasing steadily back to what was normal. This of course was meant to have a been a good thing and if he hadn’t made it feel so bad it would have been however as it was, the easier it got to breath the more dirty I began to feel almost like live insects where crawling over my skin and as that feeling increased my anger faded to sadness and fear as the flash backs probed into my head of all those years ago.
“
I trusted you!” I finally shouted as my lips trembled and the tears swam in my eyes. “I trusted you.” I whispered staring right up one final time into Esmee’s eyes before I burst into silent tears excepting my fate.
Alive only to wish I was dead
I didn’t know how long it took to finish the nebuliser exactly but I new it was too long, the fact that I could now breath fine and I had an oxygen saturation of 98% didn’t matter to me as all I could really feel was the bitterness that I now felt for both Emmet, Esmee and my self. I had let my self go completely to them, I had told them things from my past that I had never even told my reflection and I had aloud them to see me cry; in short I had aloud them inside every bloody wall I had ever put up around me and once I thought I was safe they had set about destroying me from the inside out and what made me the most angry was I had let them, I had put them in this power over me and I had got sad when they used it.
“
You’re all done.” Esmee said trying to smile at me as she pulled the mask off of my face and signalled for Emmet that it was all right to let go of me. I had wanted to jump up from the bench and run as far away from them as I could but I didn’t have the energy to so instead I sat very still and stared cold and oblivious at a spot on the wall in front of me trying hard not to let all the feeling poor out of me in the shape of pointless tears and unheard words, because even though I didn‘t want to show it, they had probably hurt me more then any one else ever had. they convinced me of impossible things and romantic lies before the threw it all away; at least with all the rest of them I new from square one that I had meant nothing to them; not matter how much I had wanted to.
“
Would you like to talk Mi, tell us why it was impossible for you to take that? “ Esmee asked gently coming to sit on the opposite end of the doctor’s bench from Emmet.
“
I trusted you.” Was all I could mutter once again as I tried not to get carried away on the caramel tone of her voice. She still seemed so kind, she still seemed like her self and I wanted to believe it more then anything else in the world, for she might have done this but she had still been the only person in my life I had ever felt any closeness to and there was no one else cueing up behind to take her place; so with out her, and with out Emmet, I was absolutely on my own again.
“
I am sorry Mi, I had no choice, you know that I wouldn’t do that to hurt you, I really wouldn’t and neither would Emmet you know that, we had to do what we did Mi, you needed to be treated, asthma can be fatal untreated; you know that.”
“
The last time I had been given I nebuliser I played for it with Oral sex!” I snapped jumping up to my feet before turning to stair at Esmee while vigorously chewing on my bottom lip to try ant stop the tears falling out of my eyes as her shocked yet sad expressions melted the ice that had gathered within me. I wanted to trust her so much again I wanted to feel like I did before, I hated what I was doing but it almost felt like I had no choice.
“
He healed my damn mobile above m head and told me to suck it if I wanted to such air so I did! I didn’t want to, but the asthma hurt and I couldn’t breathe so I sucked on that dirty bustards cock while he talked to the 999 operators just so I could go on living even though after I did that I wished I had died!” I screamed as loud as my lungs could as the tears that I could no longer contained soaked my cheeks and dribbled to the floor below me before I fled from the clinic.
All the world’s a stage.
Esmee
“
Tell me I just miss-heard what she just said, Emmet if there is anything good or right left in this bloody world tell me I heard her wrong.” I said stiffly to Emmet as I tried to get my legs to work again so I could run after Mi for what ever she had planed to do now could not be a good thing. I wanted what she said to be untrue, for the alternative was just to horrible to comprehend, how could any one bargain medical care for sexual gratification and what monster would rape a child? I had come to the conclusion that it must have been either a family member or someone close to the family that had hurt Mi over and over again and I had spent hours combing through all her files that I could get my hands on looking for a name of someone who might be the culprit, but though it said her mum went through sexual partners like toilet paper no name of her male friends where ever given so there was no culprit to report and even though I had wrote down every gory detail Mi had ever told Emmet or myself and told my higher ups over and over again no one seemed to care all that much about catching whoever had done it to her and I kept getting the same old stupid story that she was safe now and she would give names in her own time.
“
Surly no one is that evil right?” Emmet stuttered back as gob-smacked as I was about what had just been said. “She was angry with us, could she have…”
“
Emmet!” I snapped cutting him off before he could finish the sentence he would punish him self for even thinking later. “Do you really believe what you are about to say or are you just trying to do your best ostrich impersonation and burying your head in the sand.”
“
It’s too horrible to think of,” Emmet sighed putting his head in his hands, rubbing his eyes signalling to be that this had got to him more then most things did, he always hid his face when thing got to much; that way no one could see the tears in his eyes however I new they where there no matter how hard he tried to hide.
“
She’s the worse case of child abuse I know yet there is nothing I can do about it. Short of doing a strip dance for them I have tried everything to get the higher ups to listen but they just keep feeding me some jibbirish about her being safe now and that being the only thing that matters.” I said angrily scooting up on the doctors bench so I could wrap my arms around Emmet in a wordless comfort; wards weren’t needed.
“
Well maybe I should strip for them?” Emmet growled through his fingers,
“
no, I wont alowe it your body belongs to me.” I said kissing him on the cheek before getting to my feet and brushing down my clothes that had got battered in the restraint, “but it will have to wait, I am quite sure by now Mi would have waged war upon her self and she will need someone to clean up the mess.”
“
Your right of course,” Emmet moaned rubbing his eyes one more time before looking up at me “Your always right. The show must go on.”
“
All the world’s a stage,” I smiled helping him to his feet.
“
Well I hate this bloody play.”
Girl v wall
We heard the knocking and banging from up the stairs before we where even half way up and instinctively we both new where it was coming from,
“
Oh crap,” I muttered to Emmet before picking up the pace and taking the rest of the stairs at a run and sprinting up the corridor towards dream where the disturbance was.
For the want of a better world Mi had gone crazy as I almost expected and had taken it upon her self take on the walls of her room with a battering ram; the battering ram in question being herself. Normally there wouldn’t of been many ways to take on the situation apart from deliberate with who ever was helping you; quick, and then take whoever it was to the floor, however myself and Emmet needed no time to deliberate with each other, one look explained exactly what we where going to do and we both new taking her to the floor was a bad idea, it would only scare her more so she was all ready shaken up.
“
Mi, I shouted taking off to the right off the room while Emmet took off to the left. “Mi stop it!” I shouted as I winced as she rebounded her whole body off of one of the walls with a hideous crack.
“
no, why should I”
“
Because you are going to hurt you’re self and if that isn’t a reason enough then another one is if you don’t stop we will restrain you!” I yelled readying my self for a restraint at the same time as Emmet did are bodies moving in the same fluid moment in perfect time with each other.
“
I don’t fucking care, I’ve been restrained so much now I doesn’t bother me but if I’m going down I’m not going there without a fight.” Mi yelled and with one last bout of effort she throw her fist into a wall with everything she had put behind it and as bone and wall collided something snapped signalling the fight was over. The wall had won.
The wishes and reality
The yelp that that escaped mi’s lips was instantaneous with the snapping and Mi toppled to the floor holding on to her wrist and swearing under her breath.
“
All right, it’s all right,” I soothed bending down on my knees next to her shortly followed by Emmet, “It’s all right honey, it’s all right, we are going to sort it out.” I said as gently as I could wrapping my arm around her shoulders while trying to steal glances at her damaged wrist that she cradled in in her other hand.
“
Can I have a look honey?” Emmet asked gently reaching out to take her hand into his but she shyed away from him cuddling her injured hand in even closer to her chest and hiding it from view her eyes suspicious of his intensions. Of course this is what we had done by forcing her to have the nebuliser, we had efficiently struck down any trust she had in us but what else could I have done. As it was she had a broken wrist and some lost trust, if I hadn’t done what I had done she would have been in a hospital bed in intensive care or worse dead.
“
I’m fine,” Mi moaned, “It’s just a little bruising, it will go away soon.”
“
No it isn’t, that is causing you a lot of pain and I would like to see what you have done.” Emmet said gently leaning forward and smoothing her hair behind her ears staring into her eyes trying to reach her like he had done with me so many times before.
“
How can I trust you, any of after what you just done?” Mi asked quietly
“
Look within your self and you will know weather you can still trust me or not but just think, you know asthma and how it works and you know what would happen if we hadn’t done what we done and you also know we can’t just sit there and watch you die. What would you have done Mi put in our position?”
Mi debated inside her head for a while trying to force her bad things out, she all ready knew what was right, she all ready knew what she wanted to say but barriers stopped her and she needed time to break them all down
“The same, I guess, I’m sorry, I’m sorry to both of you.” Mi said turning her self around so she could look at me. “I was just scared; no one has ever been nice to me and after what happened, I just freaked out.” Mi said softly letting the protection go from around her wrist and handing it over gingerly for Emmet to examine.
“
Did he really do that to you Mi?” Emmet asked gently as he examined Mi’ hand before throwing me a glance confirming to me that he thought it was defiantly broken and she was going to need to be escorted over to the A&E.
“
You don’t believe me?” Mi said her eyes widening in horror; her voice shaking. This is what she had always feared, that she would say something and it would be rejected, that she was the one in the wrong for everything that had ever happened to her,. That she could have stopped it all in some way.
“
No I believe you Mi, of course I do,” Emmet said sincerely looking up at her again to try and dive his point home, “I kind of just wish that you where lying.”
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