But a dream
“please,” I stuttered feeling the tears well up in my eyes as I started to wish I actually had Emmet in the room with me, suddenly every second I could hold onto him seemed very important; for now it seemed again we where to be ripped apart.
“Doctor Carter please don’t make me go, I have a husband and a small daughter to look after and a foster son and thy all need me.” I whined unable to stop the tears falling down over my cheeks, “I don’t want to go.” I squeaked in a high sob the tears finally consuming me as I remember all the little bits I had conditioned my body to forget.
“Esmee I am not making you go anywhere I was just asking about the severity of your depression, you are a very bright young woman and you know better then me about your condition.”
“I tried so heard to have the life that I have now, don’t destroy that in seconds by telling me I have to go all they way back to step one, don’t make me leave him, and please god don’t make me leave her.” I gulped through the rivers of tears that kept falling though my eyes as I imagined not seeing my daughter for days on end, as I imagined not being able to sleep close next to him.
“Esmee I’m not sending you away, it’s OK, I didn’t mean to upset you.” Doctor Carter said gently handing a box of tissues for me to wipe my tears with but as it so often was now once the tears had started they would not stop even if the situation was resolved, it was like there where to many and they all had to go somewhere and the images played on in my head of leaving Mia crying as I left her, of the ward I would share, the RRA’s strapped to someone else wrist apart from mine, lost in the middle of my own life.
“It doesn’t matter what I tell you now though does it; you can’t stop crying anyway.” Doctor Carter said sadly getting off of his seat and coming over to me before crouching down and putting his arm on my upper arm, “It’s all right my love, let me go and get your husband, he might make you feel a bit better,”
I nodded eagerly at having Emmet by my side again, I had only been away from him for a while and my heart ached with loneliness and a fear that he wouldn’t be there in the waiting room for me; what would I ever do if he went away? The thought made a tiny yelp escape from my lungs from the agony it cause me inside.
“I will go and get him, sit tight.” Doctor Jordan said patting my leg once as he got to his feet and made his way to the door before walking to the waiting room And Calling “Emmet Bear” in his official voice.
“I think she needs you by her side right now.” I heard Dr Carter whisper in a deep voice to Emmet just outside his open door.
“Is she all right?” I heard Emmet ask sighing “She is crying again, she doest that far to much lately, you have no idea what I would do to stop those tears.” Emmet sighed the pain in his voice clear to me if it wasn’t to doctor Jordan’s
“I would say she is very depressed right now, but she it’s clear you love her very much and she needs that right now, she will need you to hold on to.”
“I don’t think my loves enough, if it was she would be the happiest woman in the world but I will never leaver her side I just hate seeing her like this, I would do anything to take her pain away.” Emmet whispered his voice far away in his own trial of thought like he was talking to him self rather then my doctor. |”She has no idea how much I love her but maybe that’s a good thing, I sometimes think if she new she might just disappear like she was just a dream for me.”
Sunday, 31 July 2011
(Esmee) Nightmare (mi's side)
Nightmare
“No! No I won’t go there! I have done my time in a unit I am not like that any more! Emmet tells them they can’t make me go there! I will get better, I will smile more and I won’t ever try and do this again, Emmet tell them!” I shouted throwing my arms around Emmet as the psychiatrist told me I had two choices the first one being I admit my self to Elm grove voluntarily or the second they sectioned me under the mental health act and put me there.
“It will be for a little while Esmee and I will come and see you every day for as long as I can but I can’t look after you properly any more Esmee what you have done proves it.”
“but I was about to start my nurses training, I still want to do that I was looking forward to it.” I wailed into Emmet shoulder gripping into his shirt, “I am sorry, I am so sorry please don’t let them take me away Emmet!”
“Shh precious little one it’s going to be OK I promise, I told you I will always look after you and I will weaver you are weaver we go.”
“So what’s it to be Esmee are you going to come with out fuss?” The crule doctor asked tapping his pen against the side of my folder of notes.
“Yeah I will go.” I nodded gripping on to Emmet even harder as the words left me; I never wanted to let him go again even though I new soon the ambulance would arrive and we would have to part; soon the nightmare would begin, but what choice did I have?
(Esmee) the things nightmares are made of (Mi's side)
The things nightmares are made of
“So I suppose the next question to be asked is what can I do to help you Esmee?” Doctor Carter smiled pulling him self off of the examination table going over to his desk again before flipping through some of my past history on the computer and scribbling some stuff down on a note pad beside him that was advertising some brand of tablet.
“Well I was kind of hoping you could tell me, I would of done it by now if I new what to do to make it better; to make it the same as it was before.”
“So what has changed Esmee? What do you think is different? You said you wanted to feel like you used to, so in what way would things have to alter?”
“You know the answer to that too, you know as well as me what depression does to an individual it makes the whole world seem like it has had a coat of gray paint, there is no life and no colour in anything even the things that used to make you feel the most content, the most speachel, the most alive.”
“I am assuming things are not bad enough for me to mention Elm grove just yet?” Doctor Carter asked putting his pen on to his desk and turning his attention to me just as my face drained of all colour and my hands began to shake. I wouldn’t go back there again; I couldn’t I still had nightmares about that place.
“So I suppose the next question to be asked is what can I do to help you Esmee?” Doctor Carter smiled pulling him self off of the examination table going over to his desk again before flipping through some of my past history on the computer and scribbling some stuff down on a note pad beside him that was advertising some brand of tablet.
“Well I was kind of hoping you could tell me, I would of done it by now if I new what to do to make it better; to make it the same as it was before.”
“So what has changed Esmee? What do you think is different? You said you wanted to feel like you used to, so in what way would things have to alter?”
“You know the answer to that too, you know as well as me what depression does to an individual it makes the whole world seem like it has had a coat of gray paint, there is no life and no colour in anything even the things that used to make you feel the most content, the most speachel, the most alive.”
“I am assuming things are not bad enough for me to mention Elm grove just yet?” Doctor Carter asked putting his pen on to his desk and turning his attention to me just as my face drained of all colour and my hands began to shake. I wouldn’t go back there again; I couldn’t I still had nightmares about that place.
Thursday, 28 July 2011
(Esmee) Yes you are (Mi's side)
Yes you are
“Can I throw a few symptoms in the air then if you can’t tell me and maybe you can tell me wither you are experiencing them, all you have to do is say yes or no.” Dr Carter asked making the flash back pop in my head like something from a cartoon as he brought me back to my current situation.
I nodded signalling I would answer his questions as honestly as I could even though something inside of me screamed at myself just to run for the door before he looked it on me again; I was two big to fit into a nook behind a desk any more.
“Do you fell unhappy?” Doctor Carter asked just as I had almost persuaded my self to make a dive across the floor and out of the door however something about his question chased any thoughts of fleeing away and I answered in a small voice.
“Yes,”
“Do you feel unhappy a lot of the time?”
“Yes.”
“Do you find your self crying for no reason a lot?
“Yes,” I practically hissed.
“Are you …”
“Oh come off it you know as well as I do that I’m bloody well depressed!” I shouted something inside of me clicking as I heard the list of my stupid symptoms reeled of in a list, they seemed so stupid when they where being said like that, like it could all be cured by just a good night sleep and buying a fluffy kitten when in reality it felt like the end of the world nearly every day; like inside you where dying over and over again or you where trapped in a nightmare with no way of making your self wake up.
“Yes you are.”
“Can I throw a few symptoms in the air then if you can’t tell me and maybe you can tell me wither you are experiencing them, all you have to do is say yes or no.” Dr Carter asked making the flash back pop in my head like something from a cartoon as he brought me back to my current situation.
I nodded signalling I would answer his questions as honestly as I could even though something inside of me screamed at myself just to run for the door before he looked it on me again; I was two big to fit into a nook behind a desk any more.
“Do you fell unhappy?” Doctor Carter asked just as I had almost persuaded my self to make a dive across the floor and out of the door however something about his question chased any thoughts of fleeing away and I answered in a small voice.
“Yes,”
“Do you feel unhappy a lot of the time?”
“Yes.”
“Do you find your self crying for no reason a lot?
“Yes,” I practically hissed.
“Are you …”
“Oh come off it you know as well as I do that I’m bloody well depressed!” I shouted something inside of me clicking as I heard the list of my stupid symptoms reeled of in a list, they seemed so stupid when they where being said like that, like it could all be cured by just a good night sleep and buying a fluffy kitten when in reality it felt like the end of the world nearly every day; like inside you where dying over and over again or you where trapped in a nightmare with no way of making your self wake up.
“Yes you are.”
(Esmee) Our big secret (Mi's side)
* TRIGGER WARNING, SI, STAY SAFE
Our big secret
“Emmet!” I called loudly from the bathroom watching as the surge of red escaped out of the top of the skin like something had made the damn burst out from behind a wall and now it was aloud to it ran everywhere destroying everything.
“Emmet!” I shouted again louder this time even though my voice was now shaking almost unable to comprehend what it was seeing let alone act on it or stop it.
This wasn’t meant to happen it was meant to just take the edge off of things, a few shallow superficial cuts on my skin to make the universe slow down and that is what it had started out as but I had lost control of it, got swept away in the moment and the last four cuts where bad; really bad and now they where emptying my blood all over the bathroom floor like someone had turned on a tap.
“Emmet I really need your help!” I screamed loudly trying to cover the wounds with my other had to try and make the blood stop but it didn’t instead it found every crack between the fingers and seeped through dripping down my arm onto the floor into a puddle.
With a shaking hand I reached out to the top of the bathroom cabinet where my phone was sitting and diled 999 carefully with a shaking finger before hovering over the green call button. I did not want to die; this had never been about dying it had always had survival at the heart of it but I had to ponder weather I would want to live knowing everything I would have to give up as I unsuccessfully tried to play the A&E doctor by telling him I had put my arm through a window and he told me smashed glass didn’t leave perfect incisions in someone’s arm.
“Esmee honey! Where are you?” I heard Emmet shout his foot steps heavy as he negotiated the stares at a run.
“I’m in the bathroom.” I said in a stutter clearing the numbers on the scream and throwing my phone into the cabinet again, he was here now; he could chose how it all ended.
“Oh good god!” Emmet shouted as he opened the bathroom door and walked in standing in a puddle of my blood with his bared feet.
“Arteries Esmee!” he yelled at me loudly which made me cry for some reason as he dived into the airing cupboard and pulled out a bundle of towels and set about pressing them heard against my arm throwing the offending limb into the air and holding it there.
“Esmee,” He growled again trying to get my eyes to lock with his “Are these bleeds arterial?” He asked cursing under his breath “If they are I want you to grab your phone and call 999 now!”
“I don’t think so,” I stumbled trying to arrange the words in my head. “I used a safe place and there wasn’t much force behind the bleeding; just a lot of it.”
“There are no safe places Esmee!” Emmet growled again ripping his t-shirt at the bottom so he could tie the towel to my arm before he grabbed another one and pressed it tightly over the red one that was tied there.
“I’m sorry.” I squeaked trying to help hold the towel in place but got my hand pushed away by Emmet as he squeezed the wound tighter. “This wasn’t meant to happen, it was meant to be little and a few, it was just meant to make me feel better Emmet, just to slow it down for a while but I couldn’t stop, I just couldn’t and then before I new it there was all this blood going everywhere.” I stuttered the tears becoming more forceful as I tried to explain away what I had done.
“Shhh, I know, I know, I shouldn’t have shouted at you but I had to make sure you hadn’t seriously hurt your self and you needed a shock to get you to answer at all.”
“Is it as bad as it looks?” I asked weekly edging my self towards Emmet so I could be close enough to touch him.
“You will need some stitches Esmee.” Emmet confirmed as he gently peeled back the edge of one of the towels to check if the wounds where still bleeding, “the good news is though they have stopped bleeding so I won’t be calling for an ambulance right now.”
“It makes no difference,” I moaned the tears building inside of me again as I heard the news. It made no difference how I got the A&E it was the fact that I would have to go to there at all it would all end in the same arguments, the same doctors and in the end the same visit from the CRT where I would have to fight to the death to keep everything I had; how the hell could I just throw it all away?
“Do you need help Esmee? Emotional help?”
“I need an arm full of stitches.”
“Which makes me think taking you to the A&E might be the best option right now; not for the stitches but for the pursuing involvement of the mental health services. I am beginning to think that you need that right now.”
“Need what Emmet?”
“A short stay in the hospital; they can look after you better then I can, you have cut your self three times in the last two weeks and the cuts are getting worse, it is getting all little dangerous for me.”
“So you want to throw me in Elm grove lodge?” I shouted unable to comprehend what he was saying to me “You promised me you would never do that to me again Emmet! You promised you would never make me go back there again unless I was on the edge!”
“You are on the edge.” Emmet moaned as she tried to squeeze the ends of the open wounds together making a line of blood trickle down from the edge like in a way they where crying; crying for what I had done.
“I am not on the edge Emmet. I am struggling with self harm right now but I am no where near on the edge I have been there, hell I have even fell off of it and I know what it feels like but this is different, this is nothing like that.” I promised Emmet as I got to my feet and looked at him directly into his eyes trying to search inside them to see what he was thinking; to see how much I had actually hurt him.
“I have a few suture kits down stairs.” Emmet said gently looking away from my eyes “I got them for times like this. I will do your stitches now but if you go more down hill I won’t do them again.”
Our big secret
“Emmet!” I called loudly from the bathroom watching as the surge of red escaped out of the top of the skin like something had made the damn burst out from behind a wall and now it was aloud to it ran everywhere destroying everything.
“Emmet!” I shouted again louder this time even though my voice was now shaking almost unable to comprehend what it was seeing let alone act on it or stop it.
This wasn’t meant to happen it was meant to just take the edge off of things, a few shallow superficial cuts on my skin to make the universe slow down and that is what it had started out as but I had lost control of it, got swept away in the moment and the last four cuts where bad; really bad and now they where emptying my blood all over the bathroom floor like someone had turned on a tap.
“Emmet I really need your help!” I screamed loudly trying to cover the wounds with my other had to try and make the blood stop but it didn’t instead it found every crack between the fingers and seeped through dripping down my arm onto the floor into a puddle.
With a shaking hand I reached out to the top of the bathroom cabinet where my phone was sitting and diled 999 carefully with a shaking finger before hovering over the green call button. I did not want to die; this had never been about dying it had always had survival at the heart of it but I had to ponder weather I would want to live knowing everything I would have to give up as I unsuccessfully tried to play the A&E doctor by telling him I had put my arm through a window and he told me smashed glass didn’t leave perfect incisions in someone’s arm.
“Esmee honey! Where are you?” I heard Emmet shout his foot steps heavy as he negotiated the stares at a run.
“I’m in the bathroom.” I said in a stutter clearing the numbers on the scream and throwing my phone into the cabinet again, he was here now; he could chose how it all ended.
“Oh good god!” Emmet shouted as he opened the bathroom door and walked in standing in a puddle of my blood with his bared feet.
“Arteries Esmee!” he yelled at me loudly which made me cry for some reason as he dived into the airing cupboard and pulled out a bundle of towels and set about pressing them heard against my arm throwing the offending limb into the air and holding it there.
“Esmee,” He growled again trying to get my eyes to lock with his “Are these bleeds arterial?” He asked cursing under his breath “If they are I want you to grab your phone and call 999 now!”
“I don’t think so,” I stumbled trying to arrange the words in my head. “I used a safe place and there wasn’t much force behind the bleeding; just a lot of it.”
“There are no safe places Esmee!” Emmet growled again ripping his t-shirt at the bottom so he could tie the towel to my arm before he grabbed another one and pressed it tightly over the red one that was tied there.
“I’m sorry.” I squeaked trying to help hold the towel in place but got my hand pushed away by Emmet as he squeezed the wound tighter. “This wasn’t meant to happen, it was meant to be little and a few, it was just meant to make me feel better Emmet, just to slow it down for a while but I couldn’t stop, I just couldn’t and then before I new it there was all this blood going everywhere.” I stuttered the tears becoming more forceful as I tried to explain away what I had done.
“Shhh, I know, I know, I shouldn’t have shouted at you but I had to make sure you hadn’t seriously hurt your self and you needed a shock to get you to answer at all.”
“Is it as bad as it looks?” I asked weekly edging my self towards Emmet so I could be close enough to touch him.
“You will need some stitches Esmee.” Emmet confirmed as he gently peeled back the edge of one of the towels to check if the wounds where still bleeding, “the good news is though they have stopped bleeding so I won’t be calling for an ambulance right now.”
“It makes no difference,” I moaned the tears building inside of me again as I heard the news. It made no difference how I got the A&E it was the fact that I would have to go to there at all it would all end in the same arguments, the same doctors and in the end the same visit from the CRT where I would have to fight to the death to keep everything I had; how the hell could I just throw it all away?
“Do you need help Esmee? Emotional help?”
“I need an arm full of stitches.”
“Which makes me think taking you to the A&E might be the best option right now; not for the stitches but for the pursuing involvement of the mental health services. I am beginning to think that you need that right now.”
“Need what Emmet?”
“A short stay in the hospital; they can look after you better then I can, you have cut your self three times in the last two weeks and the cuts are getting worse, it is getting all little dangerous for me.”
“So you want to throw me in Elm grove lodge?” I shouted unable to comprehend what he was saying to me “You promised me you would never do that to me again Emmet! You promised you would never make me go back there again unless I was on the edge!”
“You are on the edge.” Emmet moaned as she tried to squeeze the ends of the open wounds together making a line of blood trickle down from the edge like in a way they where crying; crying for what I had done.
“I am not on the edge Emmet. I am struggling with self harm right now but I am no where near on the edge I have been there, hell I have even fell off of it and I know what it feels like but this is different, this is nothing like that.” I promised Emmet as I got to my feet and looked at him directly into his eyes trying to search inside them to see what he was thinking; to see how much I had actually hurt him.
“I have a few suture kits down stairs.” Emmet said gently looking away from my eyes “I got them for times like this. I will do your stitches now but if you go more down hill I won’t do them again.”
(Esmee) he can know everything and nothing. (mi's side)
*IMPORTANT READ ME* if you have all ready read the chapter called though this chapter replaces it as that one has now been deleated!
He can know everything and nothing
“If doctor Carter makes you feels so bad Esmee why do you insist on seeing him all the time? You could always change your doctor and save your self all of this worry if he upsets you.”
“If I changed my doctors I would be walking out on the first man ever to understand and help me when I was falling apart. He sent me to the unit Emmet and all I remember about it is the utter hell I felt there but I was in hell before I went there too, I was dying and he saved me in the only way he could. It’s not doctor Carter that I hate Emmet it fact I think the man is amazing, it is my history I don’t like and I don’t like to think of my self becoming like I as back then; I don’t want to be broken again.” I sighed still having to fight my self so I didn’t get up and leave.
“Esmee Bear.” I still new that deep velvet almost seductive voice and the hairs stood up on the back of my neck As they always did when I heard him, that voice had been the one that talked me out from my hole, that voice had been the one that understood me and now that same velvet soft voice would have to here how I was falling apart all over again. “Would you like to come on through now?”
Trying to stabilize my self internally I got to my feet and brushed my hair over my shoulder, Emmet went to stand to but I pushed him gently back into his chair. There was no real reason why I didn’t want Emmet to accompany me into the room’ I would tell him every detail afterwards any way but I just couldn’t stand to have him in there if I was going to unravel I would rather be alone until I chose for him to see it in the confines of are amazing home.
“Esmee you don’t have to do this alone.” Emmet said gently grasping my hand rubbing his thumb over my wedding ring.
“I know,” I whispered to him responding by rubbing my thumb back over his own wedding band “I will tell you everything when I come out; I have no secrets from you but I need to do this alone OK, please give me this time.” Emmet nodded and begrudgingly let go of my hand allowing me to follow Doctor Carter into his clinic.
“So what brings you here today Esmee?” Doctor Carter asked as he signalled for me to sit on the chair beside his desk before he took his own seat bringing up my notes on the computer.
I actually had no idea how I was going to tell him I thought I was depressed; it never normally got brought up in conversation so my survival techniques jumped into action and I had to stop my self before I answered, because I can’t fight off my oversized husband.
“It’s complicated,” I said in a little voice as I felt all the years that had passed drain away from me in an instant, I had never managed to go from 27 to 16 in an instant before but here it had happened and I considered making up some cold symptoms before bolting for the door to freedom.
“That’s OK, why don’t you take it slowly, what are your symptoms?” Dr. Carter asked gently leaning forward on his seat clasping his hands in his lap.
“they are complicated too and I am kind of scared to tell you.” I confessed.
“What are you scared of Esmee?” Dr Carter asked even more softly tilting his head to one side like a puppy that was being talked to. To me the whole conversation was just insane, for a start it had happened before in my head just years ago, we had both aged and both changed but it seemed like he was on step away from taking off his tie and undoing his top button; that made me one step away from trying to hide under his desk.
“I could lose a lot if you react alarmed; I’m not 16 any more. I have a husband who adores me and a daughter that I love. I am a foster mother and I have the most amazing job; I have a lot to lose these days.”
“Am I likely to act alarmed Esmee? You know everything said in here is confidential unless your at risk to your self or others. Are you at risk to your self or others Esmee?”
“I don’t think so; but I’m not sure I am the best person to judge.”
“There is no one better, now to make things a bit easier I am going to make a bold accusation here and maybe you could tell me if I am on the right track. I am guessing that you are not here for a physical complaint.” Doctor Carter said softly abandoning his official spot next to his desk and moving over to the doctors bench where he perched on the side holding onto the edges with his hands; his face set in a warm smile.
“You would be right.” I whispered gently briefly smiling at him before moving my eyes back down to the floor again not able to spend more then a few seconds giving him any attention before my skin started to feel like it was crawling and the stitches on my arms pulling so heard it felt like something was underneath them trying to get out, like the truth that they where there at all; He could know everything apart from the self harm bit and in turn that made him know nothing however that bit had to remain Emmet and My self’s big secret.
He can know everything and nothing
“If doctor Carter makes you feels so bad Esmee why do you insist on seeing him all the time? You could always change your doctor and save your self all of this worry if he upsets you.”
“If I changed my doctors I would be walking out on the first man ever to understand and help me when I was falling apart. He sent me to the unit Emmet and all I remember about it is the utter hell I felt there but I was in hell before I went there too, I was dying and he saved me in the only way he could. It’s not doctor Carter that I hate Emmet it fact I think the man is amazing, it is my history I don’t like and I don’t like to think of my self becoming like I as back then; I don’t want to be broken again.” I sighed still having to fight my self so I didn’t get up and leave.
“Esmee Bear.” I still new that deep velvet almost seductive voice and the hairs stood up on the back of my neck As they always did when I heard him, that voice had been the one that talked me out from my hole, that voice had been the one that understood me and now that same velvet soft voice would have to here how I was falling apart all over again. “Would you like to come on through now?”
Trying to stabilize my self internally I got to my feet and brushed my hair over my shoulder, Emmet went to stand to but I pushed him gently back into his chair. There was no real reason why I didn’t want Emmet to accompany me into the room’ I would tell him every detail afterwards any way but I just couldn’t stand to have him in there if I was going to unravel I would rather be alone until I chose for him to see it in the confines of are amazing home.
“Esmee you don’t have to do this alone.” Emmet said gently grasping my hand rubbing his thumb over my wedding ring.
“I know,” I whispered to him responding by rubbing my thumb back over his own wedding band “I will tell you everything when I come out; I have no secrets from you but I need to do this alone OK, please give me this time.” Emmet nodded and begrudgingly let go of my hand allowing me to follow Doctor Carter into his clinic.
“So what brings you here today Esmee?” Doctor Carter asked as he signalled for me to sit on the chair beside his desk before he took his own seat bringing up my notes on the computer.
I actually had no idea how I was going to tell him I thought I was depressed; it never normally got brought up in conversation so my survival techniques jumped into action and I had to stop my self before I answered, because I can’t fight off my oversized husband.
“It’s complicated,” I said in a little voice as I felt all the years that had passed drain away from me in an instant, I had never managed to go from 27 to 16 in an instant before but here it had happened and I considered making up some cold symptoms before bolting for the door to freedom.
“That’s OK, why don’t you take it slowly, what are your symptoms?” Dr. Carter asked gently leaning forward on his seat clasping his hands in his lap.
“they are complicated too and I am kind of scared to tell you.” I confessed.
“What are you scared of Esmee?” Dr Carter asked even more softly tilting his head to one side like a puppy that was being talked to. To me the whole conversation was just insane, for a start it had happened before in my head just years ago, we had both aged and both changed but it seemed like he was on step away from taking off his tie and undoing his top button; that made me one step away from trying to hide under his desk.
“I could lose a lot if you react alarmed; I’m not 16 any more. I have a husband who adores me and a daughter that I love. I am a foster mother and I have the most amazing job; I have a lot to lose these days.”
“Am I likely to act alarmed Esmee? You know everything said in here is confidential unless your at risk to your self or others. Are you at risk to your self or others Esmee?”
“I don’t think so; but I’m not sure I am the best person to judge.”
“There is no one better, now to make things a bit easier I am going to make a bold accusation here and maybe you could tell me if I am on the right track. I am guessing that you are not here for a physical complaint.” Doctor Carter said softly abandoning his official spot next to his desk and moving over to the doctors bench where he perched on the side holding onto the edges with his hands; his face set in a warm smile.
“You would be right.” I whispered gently briefly smiling at him before moving my eyes back down to the floor again not able to spend more then a few seconds giving him any attention before my skin started to feel like it was crawling and the stitches on my arms pulling so heard it felt like something was underneath them trying to get out, like the truth that they where there at all; He could know everything apart from the self harm bit and in turn that made him know nothing however that bit had to remain Emmet and My self’s big secret.
Sunday, 24 July 2011
(Esmee FB) Can you stop? (Mi's side)
Another day another trigger warning, you all the drill by now. I think it manly triggers self harm but overall a nasty upsetting update so stay safe as always
take care Vikki
Can you stop?
Esmee.” Doctor Carter said softly pulling his chair up close to the corner of the nurses office where I had hidden my self away After Dawn had refused me to let me leave. I had screamed at her bashed my fragile wrists up against the door angrily until I swore every one of my bones had been broken and attempted to brake the scales before in the end I gave up and slipped into a little cubby-hole in the corner behind the desk and the wall and curled up testing the boundaries of how small I could make my self.
“Esmee.” Doctor Carter said again his voice even softer as he tried to reach one of his hands into touch me and I flinched away making him quickly retract his hand away like he was trying to calm a frightened animal cornered in a cage.
“Are you scared?” I didn’t move a muscle or even breathe too heavily as I didn’t want to give anything away.
“Dawn can you go and tell Wendy to cancel all of my afternoon appointments and to alert every one who will be needed for a possible AGH admission.” Doctor Carter asked Dawn only briefly diverting his eyes away from me.
“Of course Doctor.” Dawn answered in a tone sweater then honey before turning for the door if she was any further up his ass she would of curtsied.
“What are you scared of Esmee, or are you sad, are you crying Esmee?”
“I don’t cry; ever.” I grumbled stiffly under my breath.
“Whys that then, are you not sad? are you angry Esmee, who are you angry with Dawn, myself, or maybe you are mad at your self?” Doctor Carter asked again abandoning his chair and squtting down as close as he could get to me removing his tie and undoing the top button on his shirt.
“Am I a little less scary now Esmee, not so official maybe?”
“Don’t be ridicules;” I hissed “I’m not scared of you anyway.”
“Then what are you hiding from? Why don’t you come out take a seat and let me talk to you?” Doctor Carter asked again in his deep silky voice that always seemed to talk on a seductive quality even when he wasn’t trying.”
“I would rather stay in here. I like small spaces better then the open world, it’s a safety masseur.”
“Do you think I am going to hurt you Esmee?” I shook my head biting down hard on my own lip as I dug my pointed nails into the tender flesh in the middle of my gapping cuts making the blood gush back up to the surface again before it cascaded down my arm in a beautiful waterfall of liquid ruby’s.
“ Are you hurting your self in there Esmee?”
“No!”
“I think you are, those cuts weren’t bleeding minute ago and they are now. I’m not saying you have to, but can you stop?” For the first time I then looked at him, directly into his chocolate eyes and regarded him sceptically as I felt the warm blood drip from my arm and onto the floor wit soft little pings. I had never been asked this before, it had always been assumed that my cutting and scratching was in my control and this seemed like he was asking me if it actually was or not, like there might be something a whole lot bigger then a nasty habit.
“Wh…what?” I stuttered “Are you telling me to stop? Are you asking my to stop or are you going to stop me?” I babbled out barely catching my breath between each jumbled question.”
“No not exactly. Yes I would like you to stop Esmee but I’m not sure you can. I want to know if you feel like you are choosing to make your self bleed or weather you feel like you have too.” Doctor Carter asked calmly As he handed me some paper towels to soak up the blood.
“I can’t stop.” I stuttered my voice braking with tears that I though had long given up trying to consume me, I had stopped crying when I realised that it hurt to much but now the action seemed totally involuntary; like for years they had been waiting for someone who understood to show up and allow them there release.
“That’s what I thought.” He soothed gently reaching in another hand to me which I didn’t flinch away from this time.
“I’m scared,” I whispered back to him so quietly I was almost sure he wouldn’t here “It scares me more then anything else, why can’t I stop?”
“I’m not sure Esmee, but I think with a lot of help and encouragement that you could stop, and I really think you need the help. You know you are going to die with out it don’t you?”
“Yes.”
“Do you want to die Esmee?”
“Yes, I think so but I think it is only because I want the pain to go away and I have tried everything else. Do you think you could help me Doctor?”
“You will have to go to hospital for a bit Esmee and it’s going to be really heard because it will feel like everyone is fighting against you but yes I think they could help you. Esmee have you heard of apple gate house?
take care Vikki
Can you stop?
Esmee.” Doctor Carter said softly pulling his chair up close to the corner of the nurses office where I had hidden my self away After Dawn had refused me to let me leave. I had screamed at her bashed my fragile wrists up against the door angrily until I swore every one of my bones had been broken and attempted to brake the scales before in the end I gave up and slipped into a little cubby-hole in the corner behind the desk and the wall and curled up testing the boundaries of how small I could make my self.
“Esmee.” Doctor Carter said again his voice even softer as he tried to reach one of his hands into touch me and I flinched away making him quickly retract his hand away like he was trying to calm a frightened animal cornered in a cage.
“Are you scared?” I didn’t move a muscle or even breathe too heavily as I didn’t want to give anything away.
“Dawn can you go and tell Wendy to cancel all of my afternoon appointments and to alert every one who will be needed for a possible AGH admission.” Doctor Carter asked Dawn only briefly diverting his eyes away from me.
“Of course Doctor.” Dawn answered in a tone sweater then honey before turning for the door if she was any further up his ass she would of curtsied.
“What are you scared of Esmee, or are you sad, are you crying Esmee?”
“I don’t cry; ever.” I grumbled stiffly under my breath.
“Whys that then, are you not sad? are you angry Esmee, who are you angry with Dawn, myself, or maybe you are mad at your self?” Doctor Carter asked again abandoning his chair and squtting down as close as he could get to me removing his tie and undoing the top button on his shirt.
“Am I a little less scary now Esmee, not so official maybe?”
“Don’t be ridicules;” I hissed “I’m not scared of you anyway.”
“Then what are you hiding from? Why don’t you come out take a seat and let me talk to you?” Doctor Carter asked again in his deep silky voice that always seemed to talk on a seductive quality even when he wasn’t trying.”
“I would rather stay in here. I like small spaces better then the open world, it’s a safety masseur.”
“Do you think I am going to hurt you Esmee?” I shook my head biting down hard on my own lip as I dug my pointed nails into the tender flesh in the middle of my gapping cuts making the blood gush back up to the surface again before it cascaded down my arm in a beautiful waterfall of liquid ruby’s.
“ Are you hurting your self in there Esmee?”
“No!”
“I think you are, those cuts weren’t bleeding minute ago and they are now. I’m not saying you have to, but can you stop?” For the first time I then looked at him, directly into his chocolate eyes and regarded him sceptically as I felt the warm blood drip from my arm and onto the floor wit soft little pings. I had never been asked this before, it had always been assumed that my cutting and scratching was in my control and this seemed like he was asking me if it actually was or not, like there might be something a whole lot bigger then a nasty habit.
“Wh…what?” I stuttered “Are you telling me to stop? Are you asking my to stop or are you going to stop me?” I babbled out barely catching my breath between each jumbled question.”
“No not exactly. Yes I would like you to stop Esmee but I’m not sure you can. I want to know if you feel like you are choosing to make your self bleed or weather you feel like you have too.” Doctor Carter asked calmly As he handed me some paper towels to soak up the blood.
“I can’t stop.” I stuttered my voice braking with tears that I though had long given up trying to consume me, I had stopped crying when I realised that it hurt to much but now the action seemed totally involuntary; like for years they had been waiting for someone who understood to show up and allow them there release.
“That’s what I thought.” He soothed gently reaching in another hand to me which I didn’t flinch away from this time.
“I’m scared,” I whispered back to him so quietly I was almost sure he wouldn’t here “It scares me more then anything else, why can’t I stop?”
“I’m not sure Esmee, but I think with a lot of help and encouragement that you could stop, and I really think you need the help. You know you are going to die with out it don’t you?”
“Yes.”
“Do you want to die Esmee?”
“Yes, I think so but I think it is only because I want the pain to go away and I have tried everything else. Do you think you could help me Doctor?”
“You will have to go to hospital for a bit Esmee and it’s going to be really heard because it will feel like everyone is fighting against you but yes I think they could help you. Esmee have you heard of apple gate house?
(Esmee) he changed everything (Mi's side)
He changed everything
“I feel sick,” I mumbled to Emmet as we sat down on are two selected miss matched waiting room chairs and waited for Doctor Carter to come and call me in. “Maybe this is an over reaction maybe it’s just a brief spell of the blues and it will all go away if we ignore it,” I chirped nervously ringing my hands together on my lap. I new what I was saying was stupid I knew that like any illness depression wouldn’t just go away if it was ignored in fact in experience it would get worse and worse until it drowned you but that didn’t mean I couldn’t hope for a sudden recovery.
“You know that isn’t going to happen.” Emmet whispered detaching my fingers from around each other and before offering up his own hand for me to squeeze instead. “It won’t go Away it’s just going to get worse.”
“but I feel so small. Doctor Carter knows me at my worst and will always see that now, not who I am now but who I was as a teenager and the last time he put me away Emmet last time he changed everything.”
“I feel sick,” I mumbled to Emmet as we sat down on are two selected miss matched waiting room chairs and waited for Doctor Carter to come and call me in. “Maybe this is an over reaction maybe it’s just a brief spell of the blues and it will all go away if we ignore it,” I chirped nervously ringing my hands together on my lap. I new what I was saying was stupid I knew that like any illness depression wouldn’t just go away if it was ignored in fact in experience it would get worse and worse until it drowned you but that didn’t mean I couldn’t hope for a sudden recovery.
“You know that isn’t going to happen.” Emmet whispered detaching my fingers from around each other and before offering up his own hand for me to squeeze instead. “It won’t go Away it’s just going to get worse.”
“but I feel so small. Doctor Carter knows me at my worst and will always see that now, not who I am now but who I was as a teenager and the last time he put me away Emmet last time he changed everything.”
Saturday, 23 July 2011
(Esmee) have you ever (Mi's side)
Hi every one you would of probably got this all ready but just to slap it around your face a bit more and make it blatently obveous this is an Esmee flash back moment.
Also it is very triggering protentoaly of everything but worse for any one with sensativaty to the Eating disorder bits.
take care
as always stay safe
Vikki
Have you ever?
I new the sigh very well that escaped the nurses lips as I saw the numbers on the scale in front of me hover at five stone one ounce a whole three pounds lighter then I had been the week before, she was disappointed she was always continuously wanting the numbers to creep up while I was always looking for them to slide down closer and closer to zero where I would disappear.
“One ounce Esmee, One bleeding ounce, you must try harder you fat pig, you descust me.” The voice inside of my head - also known as Amy- hissed her voice angry and taught at my near miss of her target weight for me, every weight she would set a weight for me to get under and every week she would torture me for hours if I failed. This week she had wanted fewer than five stone and I was over; I had failed and failing was not an option, Amy would my self would not settle for anything other then perfect; perfection was all that mattered next to being thin that was.
“Doctor Carter will want to see you Esmee,” Dawn the nurse said typing her notes into the computer where all my information was kept. “You have lost more weight you blood pressure is low, your blood sugar is low and I think the sores on you hips are infected again not to mention the fact those new cuts on your arm will need stitches.” Dawn sighed tapping her pen against the side of the desk as she flipped back over my previous weeks of observations before making the computer fill in my grid with another line heading steeply downwards from the last point.
“I have been really sick this week I lied to Dawn quietly as I rang my hands together nervously.
“And the week before Esmee, and the week before that?” Dawn asked exasperated “Do you have no idea how sick you really are, at the strain you are putting on your body? You will die Esmee. We are not saying it to scare you or piss you off we do mean it if you carry on you are going to die, in fact it is getting to the point where every time I see you I wonder if it will be the last week I ever do.” Dawn said firmly with the same edge of annoyance in her voice. “I mean don’t you care weather you live or not?”
“Honestly Dawn I really couldn’t give a shit anymore.”
“Esmee, honey, I know that it can be heard growing up and I know what it…”
“Give it a rest!” I snapped angrily back cutting Dawn off mid sentence from one of her trade mark ultra long speeches “You know nothing, I am so fed up when you pretend to know how it is or how I feel because you don’t! Have you honestly ever got up in the morning and cried because you weren’t dead yet? Have you ever walked out into the middle of a busy main roan and hoped one of the cars wouldn’t be able to stop in time? Have you emptied your medicine cabinet of every last pill and took them all at once? Have you ever felt the need to drag a razor across you skin? Have you ever felt like you might actually be going insane, not just a bit lost but properly working back and forth hearing and seeing things insane? Have you ever been so hungry that you emptied he fridge freezer and ate everything all in one go right down to a pack of butter and a jar of mayonnaise before spending the next two hours making your self puke to you faint.”
“No…but”
“But nothing! Now I am going home and there is nothing you can do to stop me!” I shouted angrily jumping to my feet as the familiar black dots exploded across my vision warning me that I may faint if I tried to push my self any further which would be fine after I left the doctors surgery and found a quiet place to do so but not then a
So I closed my eyes tightly and tried to chase them away.
“I can’t let you leave Esmee.” Dawn said firmly stepping over to the door blocking it “not now, you are a danger to your self and It would be wrong to let you go now.”
Also it is very triggering protentoaly of everything but worse for any one with sensativaty to the Eating disorder bits.
take care
as always stay safe
Vikki
Have you ever?
I new the sigh very well that escaped the nurses lips as I saw the numbers on the scale in front of me hover at five stone one ounce a whole three pounds lighter then I had been the week before, she was disappointed she was always continuously wanting the numbers to creep up while I was always looking for them to slide down closer and closer to zero where I would disappear.
“One ounce Esmee, One bleeding ounce, you must try harder you fat pig, you descust me.” The voice inside of my head - also known as Amy- hissed her voice angry and taught at my near miss of her target weight for me, every weight she would set a weight for me to get under and every week she would torture me for hours if I failed. This week she had wanted fewer than five stone and I was over; I had failed and failing was not an option, Amy would my self would not settle for anything other then perfect; perfection was all that mattered next to being thin that was.
“Doctor Carter will want to see you Esmee,” Dawn the nurse said typing her notes into the computer where all my information was kept. “You have lost more weight you blood pressure is low, your blood sugar is low and I think the sores on you hips are infected again not to mention the fact those new cuts on your arm will need stitches.” Dawn sighed tapping her pen against the side of the desk as she flipped back over my previous weeks of observations before making the computer fill in my grid with another line heading steeply downwards from the last point.
“I have been really sick this week I lied to Dawn quietly as I rang my hands together nervously.
“And the week before Esmee, and the week before that?” Dawn asked exasperated “Do you have no idea how sick you really are, at the strain you are putting on your body? You will die Esmee. We are not saying it to scare you or piss you off we do mean it if you carry on you are going to die, in fact it is getting to the point where every time I see you I wonder if it will be the last week I ever do.” Dawn said firmly with the same edge of annoyance in her voice. “I mean don’t you care weather you live or not?”
“Honestly Dawn I really couldn’t give a shit anymore.”
“Esmee, honey, I know that it can be heard growing up and I know what it…”
“Give it a rest!” I snapped angrily back cutting Dawn off mid sentence from one of her trade mark ultra long speeches “You know nothing, I am so fed up when you pretend to know how it is or how I feel because you don’t! Have you honestly ever got up in the morning and cried because you weren’t dead yet? Have you ever walked out into the middle of a busy main roan and hoped one of the cars wouldn’t be able to stop in time? Have you emptied your medicine cabinet of every last pill and took them all at once? Have you ever felt the need to drag a razor across you skin? Have you ever felt like you might actually be going insane, not just a bit lost but properly working back and forth hearing and seeing things insane? Have you ever been so hungry that you emptied he fridge freezer and ate everything all in one go right down to a pack of butter and a jar of mayonnaise before spending the next two hours making your self puke to you faint.”
“No…but”
“But nothing! Now I am going home and there is nothing you can do to stop me!” I shouted angrily jumping to my feet as the familiar black dots exploded across my vision warning me that I may faint if I tried to push my self any further which would be fine after I left the doctors surgery and found a quiet place to do so but not then a
So I closed my eyes tightly and tried to chase them away.
“I can’t let you leave Esmee.” Dawn said firmly stepping over to the door blocking it “not now, you are a danger to your self and It would be wrong to let you go now.”
(Esmee) Pleasant hills (Mi's side)
Pleasant Hills
I hated pleasant hills doctors surgery; I hated the décor inside and out, I hated the grand old oak reception desk and the overweight not to mention over friendly receptionist that sat being it, I hated the smell, the sounds, the feeling of the scratchy fabric on the waiting room chairs as it rubbed against your skin like sand paper and I hated the customary crying child, I also hated it because this was the place everything always starts with’ you walk in one day because of a head ach and your dead because of it the next week, you come in one morning for a weight check and your in a psyc unit by dinner time, life change forever on the momentary decisions of a few individuals.
I hated pleasant hills doctors surgery; I hated the décor inside and out, I hated the grand old oak reception desk and the overweight not to mention over friendly receptionist that sat being it, I hated the smell, the sounds, the feeling of the scratchy fabric on the waiting room chairs as it rubbed against your skin like sand paper and I hated the customary crying child, I also hated it because this was the place everything always starts with’ you walk in one day because of a head ach and your dead because of it the next week, you come in one morning for a weight check and your in a psyc unit by dinner time, life change forever on the momentary decisions of a few individuals.
Friday, 22 July 2011
(Esmee) My secret Weapon (Mi's side)
My secret weapon
“You know it is going to be OK don’t you.” Emmet confirmed gently to me even though I wasn’t so sure my self “I have tomorrow off of work and I’m going to take you to the doctors see if he can prescribe you some anti- depressants again you responded well to the medication last time.”
“I you count them making me physically to tired to kill my self responding well then yeah I suppose you could be right I sighed remembering exactly how zombiefied some anti-depressants made me, it seemed all they really did was make me sleep through the pain.
“Your not feeling suicidal are you Esmee?” Emmet asked in in a whisper, his voice strained at the though of it.
“No,”
“Are you sure? Please tell me the truth.” Emmet pleaded staring into my face with such intensity it felt like I would have caught alight if I had been lying to him; luckily what I was saying was the truth I had not thought about killing my self with any conviction despite the depression.
“I promise you.” I soothed gently reaching up and lacing my fingers into his short dark hair while forcing my self to offer up one small smile to make him feel better, he deserved that much he knew what could come with my current illness as well as I did and It wasn’t all that pretty.
“If it gets bad again Emmet, I’m not saying that it will but I want to make sure but if it does get bad and the tablets don’t work will you stay with me or will you leave, will you brake up with me if I go back to how I was?”
“I am going to stand by your side for ever Esmee weather you are healthy and lively or locked in the ECA at Elm grove lodge. I keep telling you that I am never letting you go, I keep telling you that I can’t live with out you and one day soon I hope you will believe me, my biggest wish in the world is that one day you will see what I see in you.
“I love you Emmet,” I whispered gently wrapping my arms around him and lying my ear against his chest so I could here his heart beating in my ears so it could sooth me to sleep, with that heart beat next to me I could survive the war; he was my secret weapon.
“You know it is going to be OK don’t you.” Emmet confirmed gently to me even though I wasn’t so sure my self “I have tomorrow off of work and I’m going to take you to the doctors see if he can prescribe you some anti- depressants again you responded well to the medication last time.”
“I you count them making me physically to tired to kill my self responding well then yeah I suppose you could be right I sighed remembering exactly how zombiefied some anti-depressants made me, it seemed all they really did was make me sleep through the pain.
“Your not feeling suicidal are you Esmee?” Emmet asked in in a whisper, his voice strained at the though of it.
“No,”
“Are you sure? Please tell me the truth.” Emmet pleaded staring into my face with such intensity it felt like I would have caught alight if I had been lying to him; luckily what I was saying was the truth I had not thought about killing my self with any conviction despite the depression.
“I promise you.” I soothed gently reaching up and lacing my fingers into his short dark hair while forcing my self to offer up one small smile to make him feel better, he deserved that much he knew what could come with my current illness as well as I did and It wasn’t all that pretty.
“If it gets bad again Emmet, I’m not saying that it will but I want to make sure but if it does get bad and the tablets don’t work will you stay with me or will you leave, will you brake up with me if I go back to how I was?”
“I am going to stand by your side for ever Esmee weather you are healthy and lively or locked in the ECA at Elm grove lodge. I keep telling you that I am never letting you go, I keep telling you that I can’t live with out you and one day soon I hope you will believe me, my biggest wish in the world is that one day you will see what I see in you.
“I love you Emmet,” I whispered gently wrapping my arms around him and lying my ear against his chest so I could here his heart beating in my ears so it could sooth me to sleep, with that heart beat next to me I could survive the war; he was my secret weapon.
Wednesday, 20 July 2011
(Esmee) Easier to hide (Mi's side)
Easier to hide
I got home about an hour later after walking in the rain aimlessly in the general direction of home. For some reason I was drawn there even though I didn’t know why. I knew Emmet would still be in bed sleeping before the kids woke up in the morning and the day started again and I also new that even though I wanted to go in there and talk to him and wail my heart out with him I would not, I would simply slip in behind him and wait until the rest of the world tried to catch up with me.
It didn’t take me long to dry off my hair and change into my night dress before I tip toed into our room and around to my side of the bed and slid in under the sheets next to Emmet at which he stirred and turned his body around to look at me his eyelids fluttering trying to ward off sleep.
He was amazing; the whole of him was just stunning and I truly had no idea why he was here lying in my bed next to me and not in the arms of some amazing beauty who’s life was ordered and normal and that was the very least he deserved in a wife; he did not deserve to stitch up the arms of his mentally unable patient that shared his house and his life with.
“Are you all right my love?” Emmet asked gently leaning forward and plating a soft and gently kiss on the tip of my nose which just went to make my inside’s rip up again with the desperate pain that for some reason I was feeling and couldn’t shift from within me no matter how heard I tried to smile, no matter how much I prayed for my laughter to be true, I wanted to be OK again just like I was before but some part of me felt like I would never fell joy or beauty again and my bottom lip began to quiver in the same warning way it had before. I new how it felt before when I was so unhappy and the thoughts of returning there scared me in no small way.
“Sweet heart,” Emmet whispered reaching out an arm and cupping the side of my face which made the dams behind my eyes burst and the tears flow down over my face as it crumpled and fell apart completely revealing the mess that was inside my outer shell.
“Hay, hay.” Emmet responded his face one of pure concern as he lent forward and pulled my aching body up close into his arms my face against his solid chest
“What’s happened Esmee? I wasn’t expecting you home yet.” I hadn’t expected to come home either I had promised Mi that I would stay by her side but that was before she found out my little secret; that was before she found I was a hypocrite.
“Did something happen? Is Mi OK? Did Mi hurt you?” I could tell the last thought made him angry even though he tried to hide it from me, his over protectiveness could be suffocating sometimes and he knew I felt like this so he tried to tone it down a little.
“Mi’s fine,” I whispered into his chest as I stroked my hand across the smooth contours of his skin while my tears dripped from the end of my nose before making I track down over his chest.
“Well did she hurt you?” Emmet asked tightly bending over my hair and kissing the top of it gently before he pulled my body up closer to his and stroked the hair off of my face that the tears had stuck there
“No she didn’t hurt me but I am hurting; I’m in pain.” I confessed
“Where does it hurt, what has hurt you, have you hurt your self?” Emmet asked concerned pushing his body away from mine slightly so he could observe mine for any cuts of bruises that I might have created, had it really come to that again? Had I really gone back to being a current self harmer that Emmet would have to look after and care for again? Every time he saw me naked would he now be looking for cuts and bruises instead of seeing the woman he loved and desired.
“It hurts inside me,” I said weekly admitting to him the depression I was in. the depression that I had known for a while that was there. I was book smart and experience smart as a nurse on a psyceatric unit to pick up on the signs of depression and I had known if I had seen any of the patients in the unit showing the symptoms I had been masking from Emmet and the rest of the world I would of put them right up in front of a doctor and told them my concerns but when it was inside me I had the concerns I tried to hide it away because I didn’t want to except it was there; it was easy to hideaway.
I got home about an hour later after walking in the rain aimlessly in the general direction of home. For some reason I was drawn there even though I didn’t know why. I knew Emmet would still be in bed sleeping before the kids woke up in the morning and the day started again and I also new that even though I wanted to go in there and talk to him and wail my heart out with him I would not, I would simply slip in behind him and wait until the rest of the world tried to catch up with me.
It didn’t take me long to dry off my hair and change into my night dress before I tip toed into our room and around to my side of the bed and slid in under the sheets next to Emmet at which he stirred and turned his body around to look at me his eyelids fluttering trying to ward off sleep.
He was amazing; the whole of him was just stunning and I truly had no idea why he was here lying in my bed next to me and not in the arms of some amazing beauty who’s life was ordered and normal and that was the very least he deserved in a wife; he did not deserve to stitch up the arms of his mentally unable patient that shared his house and his life with.
“Are you all right my love?” Emmet asked gently leaning forward and plating a soft and gently kiss on the tip of my nose which just went to make my inside’s rip up again with the desperate pain that for some reason I was feeling and couldn’t shift from within me no matter how heard I tried to smile, no matter how much I prayed for my laughter to be true, I wanted to be OK again just like I was before but some part of me felt like I would never fell joy or beauty again and my bottom lip began to quiver in the same warning way it had before. I new how it felt before when I was so unhappy and the thoughts of returning there scared me in no small way.
“Sweet heart,” Emmet whispered reaching out an arm and cupping the side of my face which made the dams behind my eyes burst and the tears flow down over my face as it crumpled and fell apart completely revealing the mess that was inside my outer shell.
“Hay, hay.” Emmet responded his face one of pure concern as he lent forward and pulled my aching body up close into his arms my face against his solid chest
“What’s happened Esmee? I wasn’t expecting you home yet.” I hadn’t expected to come home either I had promised Mi that I would stay by her side but that was before she found out my little secret; that was before she found I was a hypocrite.
“Did something happen? Is Mi OK? Did Mi hurt you?” I could tell the last thought made him angry even though he tried to hide it from me, his over protectiveness could be suffocating sometimes and he knew I felt like this so he tried to tone it down a little.
“Mi’s fine,” I whispered into his chest as I stroked my hand across the smooth contours of his skin while my tears dripped from the end of my nose before making I track down over his chest.
“Well did she hurt you?” Emmet asked tightly bending over my hair and kissing the top of it gently before he pulled my body up closer to his and stroked the hair off of my face that the tears had stuck there
“No she didn’t hurt me but I am hurting; I’m in pain.” I confessed
“Where does it hurt, what has hurt you, have you hurt your self?” Emmet asked concerned pushing his body away from mine slightly so he could observe mine for any cuts of bruises that I might have created, had it really come to that again? Had I really gone back to being a current self harmer that Emmet would have to look after and care for again? Every time he saw me naked would he now be looking for cuts and bruises instead of seeing the woman he loved and desired.
“It hurts inside me,” I said weekly admitting to him the depression I was in. the depression that I had known for a while that was there. I was book smart and experience smart as a nurse on a psyceatric unit to pick up on the signs of depression and I had known if I had seen any of the patients in the unit showing the symptoms I had been masking from Emmet and the rest of the world I would of put them right up in front of a doctor and told them my concerns but when it was inside me I had the concerns I tried to hide it away because I didn’t want to except it was there; it was easy to hideaway.
(Esmee) No where to go (Mis's side)
No where to go
I ran; it was the only thing I could think of doing as I yanked the sleeve down on my arm and sprang to my feet not thinking once as I bolted out the door and up the corridor to the nurses station where Jasper sat behind the desk typing with one finger on the computer while sipping a cup of tea.
“Could someone go in with Mi?” I asked stiffly trying to keep my self calm for a few seconds as I talked to Jasper even though I could feel my bottom lip quivering from the built up tears that where inside of me.
“Esmee, honey are you all right?” Jasper asked switching the monitor off on the PC and swinging his chair around to get to his feet “You look a little upset has something happened?”
“I have to leave.” I said not stopping to look into his eyes or even properly hear what he was saying I just wanted to run; run forever.
“Esmee? My love what’s happened?”
“Just look after her, she is going to be very upset and unhappy, tell her that I still love her and I will come back tomorrow and give her a hug she will calm down with enough contact, but I do have to go!” I stuttered pulling my self away from Jasper and starting down the corridor before I got distracted and pulled back by the horrendous crying that was now coming from back up the corridor and out of the room I had just fled.
I didn’t want to run in the corridors in intensive care but my feet refused to walk or even run slowly so I had to sprint, I had to keep pushing faster and faster to get out of the ICU and then the hospital that felt like it was going to swallow me whole.
it was raining heavily for the first time in a long time when I got out side the door which suited me fine. I ran out into it letting the cold spears of rain soak into my clothes and hair as I fell down to my knees in a puddle on the floor letting the tears fall from my eyes in heavy jerking sobs. I had wanted to be strong and secure for Mi, I hadn’t ever wanted her to know that in the last month I had been struggling too; that somehow I had started cutting my self again and I wasn’t able to stop and I hated it.
After a while of sobbing my heart out on the cold wet floor I unsteadily got to my feet again and started walking in the general direction of home every feeling I didn’t want to feel bubbling inside of me trying to reach the surface as the tears still spilled over my eyes. I knew it wasn’t the most amazing idea to walk the reasonably long walk home in the early hours of the morning in the pouring rain but my heart would not let me do the sensible thing and call the taxi that would take me there. I wanted Emmet’ I wanted his arms around me and his kisses on my neck, I wanted him to tell me that it was all going to be OK that he could solve this again like he had before and that the urges weren’t going to come back again, that it wasn’t going to hurt me but I just couldn’t go home to him and shake him awake like I wanted to because inside I knew I didn’t deserve his compassion and I was scared if I went back to what I was he wouldn’t want me any more.
Lightning strikes the pages keep on turning,
Help me to be strong,
I’m floating in a sea of strange believers,
Oh where do I belong?
Where do I belong?
Anastacia
I ran; it was the only thing I could think of doing as I yanked the sleeve down on my arm and sprang to my feet not thinking once as I bolted out the door and up the corridor to the nurses station where Jasper sat behind the desk typing with one finger on the computer while sipping a cup of tea.
“Could someone go in with Mi?” I asked stiffly trying to keep my self calm for a few seconds as I talked to Jasper even though I could feel my bottom lip quivering from the built up tears that where inside of me.
“Esmee, honey are you all right?” Jasper asked switching the monitor off on the PC and swinging his chair around to get to his feet “You look a little upset has something happened?”
“I have to leave.” I said not stopping to look into his eyes or even properly hear what he was saying I just wanted to run; run forever.
“Esmee? My love what’s happened?”
“Just look after her, she is going to be very upset and unhappy, tell her that I still love her and I will come back tomorrow and give her a hug she will calm down with enough contact, but I do have to go!” I stuttered pulling my self away from Jasper and starting down the corridor before I got distracted and pulled back by the horrendous crying that was now coming from back up the corridor and out of the room I had just fled.
I didn’t want to run in the corridors in intensive care but my feet refused to walk or even run slowly so I had to sprint, I had to keep pushing faster and faster to get out of the ICU and then the hospital that felt like it was going to swallow me whole.
it was raining heavily for the first time in a long time when I got out side the door which suited me fine. I ran out into it letting the cold spears of rain soak into my clothes and hair as I fell down to my knees in a puddle on the floor letting the tears fall from my eyes in heavy jerking sobs. I had wanted to be strong and secure for Mi, I hadn’t ever wanted her to know that in the last month I had been struggling too; that somehow I had started cutting my self again and I wasn’t able to stop and I hated it.
After a while of sobbing my heart out on the cold wet floor I unsteadily got to my feet again and started walking in the general direction of home every feeling I didn’t want to feel bubbling inside of me trying to reach the surface as the tears still spilled over my eyes. I knew it wasn’t the most amazing idea to walk the reasonably long walk home in the early hours of the morning in the pouring rain but my heart would not let me do the sensible thing and call the taxi that would take me there. I wanted Emmet’ I wanted his arms around me and his kisses on my neck, I wanted him to tell me that it was all going to be OK that he could solve this again like he had before and that the urges weren’t going to come back again, that it wasn’t going to hurt me but I just couldn’t go home to him and shake him awake like I wanted to because inside I knew I didn’t deserve his compassion and I was scared if I went back to what I was he wouldn’t want me any more.
Thursday, 14 July 2011
Lost trust (Emmets side)
Lost trust
I instantly hated my self more then I hated Crystal as Mi’s sobbing became harder and she shot her tear filled eyes up to look at me and though them I could see everything she was thinking, she didn’t see me putting her in the ECA as a way to help but a way to hurt her, in fact she saw it as the devastating blow she had been protecting her self from and as she looked away practically howling I new any miner trust I had had disappeared.
“Please, please!” Mi begged suddenly pulling hard against Crystal’s arms more to feel the pain of it then to brake free, “I won’t do anything. I wasn’t trying to attack Crystal, I wouldn’t even dream of it!” Mi cried.
My heart squeezed tight in my chest and it took all my effort to stop me from turning around and saying that I new she wasn’t trying to hurt her and even if she was I would of got out a banner and balloons and egged her on but I valued my job to much to throw it away like that; after all would it wouldn’t really help Mi In the long run, if I wasn’t there I couldn’t look after her and something inside of me truly felt like I had to if I never did anything else again.
“You should sedate her Emmet; she is completely uncontrorollable and volatile,”
“You should get back on your broomstick and fly back to OZ before I chuck bucket of water over you”
“I don’t think she needs sedating Crystal I growled once again glad that I out ranked her so she couldn’t go over my head. “In fact you could probably un-restrain her now.” I added hoping fear of repercussions would somehow make Crystal listen to me but she seemed to be having too much fun to care.
“Let’s get her to the ECA first.” Crystal answered getting to her feet dragging Mi along with her and almost choking her in the processes and with that my temper frayed.
“Crystal!” I sapped taking my hands off of Mi’s legs and clenching them into fists to try and steady my anger, she new Mi was new she new that there was no way she would no of are protocol for getting are patients to the ECA when they where considered out of control she was trying to hurt her and she had all ready been hurt far to much to be abused somewhere she would be safe. I would give Crystal another dressing down later and lodge a complaint.
“Mi this is going to be very hard for you to let us do but no one will hurt you OK, I’m sorry” I said gently cupping my hand around her face but she pulled away still sobbing while my heart broke
I instantly hated my self more then I hated Crystal as Mi’s sobbing became harder and she shot her tear filled eyes up to look at me and though them I could see everything she was thinking, she didn’t see me putting her in the ECA as a way to help but a way to hurt her, in fact she saw it as the devastating blow she had been protecting her self from and as she looked away practically howling I new any miner trust I had had disappeared.
“Please, please!” Mi begged suddenly pulling hard against Crystal’s arms more to feel the pain of it then to brake free, “I won’t do anything. I wasn’t trying to attack Crystal, I wouldn’t even dream of it!” Mi cried.
My heart squeezed tight in my chest and it took all my effort to stop me from turning around and saying that I new she wasn’t trying to hurt her and even if she was I would of got out a banner and balloons and egged her on but I valued my job to much to throw it away like that; after all would it wouldn’t really help Mi In the long run, if I wasn’t there I couldn’t look after her and something inside of me truly felt like I had to if I never did anything else again.
“You should sedate her Emmet; she is completely uncontrorollable and volatile,”
“You should get back on your broomstick and fly back to OZ before I chuck bucket of water over you”
“I don’t think she needs sedating Crystal I growled once again glad that I out ranked her so she couldn’t go over my head. “In fact you could probably un-restrain her now.” I added hoping fear of repercussions would somehow make Crystal listen to me but she seemed to be having too much fun to care.
“Let’s get her to the ECA first.” Crystal answered getting to her feet dragging Mi along with her and almost choking her in the processes and with that my temper frayed.
“Crystal!” I sapped taking my hands off of Mi’s legs and clenching them into fists to try and steady my anger, she new Mi was new she new that there was no way she would no of are protocol for getting are patients to the ECA when they where considered out of control she was trying to hurt her and she had all ready been hurt far to much to be abused somewhere she would be safe. I would give Crystal another dressing down later and lodge a complaint.
“Mi this is going to be very hard for you to let us do but no one will hurt you OK, I’m sorry” I said gently cupping my hand around her face but she pulled away still sobbing while my heart broke
the bully seems to always win (Emmets side)
The bully seems to always win
To my surprise Mi reacted in the complete opposite way then what I thought she would. I would of bet good money to say that there was no way she was going to calm own and I had even made a hazy plan of how I could hump over Mi to the cabinet on the far side of the room where our sedative was kept for extreme emergencies however on this occasion I would of found my self out of pocket.
Mi stopped in seconds coming to a complete stand still her hands by her side, her head looking down to the floor, her screaming compactly silent. It was exactly like someone had found a remote control for her and hit the stand by button.
Crystal took this opportunity and as fast as lightning cleared a path away of sharps and sunk to the Ensure covered ground behind Mi and forcibly made the restraint the to me seemed so unnecessary now that she had stopped. As nurses we where meant to give verbal commands and warnings and the restrain the patient didn’t respond to them, Mi had responded but crystal just didn’t care.
Mi’s crying came back then years and years of silent pain running from her eyes and echoing from her chest as she sat up close to Crystal on the floor. I wanted to knock Crystal’s heavy arms out of the way and take her place behind Mi so I could just hold her tight next to me, not restraining her but just holding her, holding her tight until her pain went away.
“Emmet!” Crystal snapped at me “restrain her legs for me!” I found too much time with Crystal almost toxic to me and I almost snapped back at her to not be such a heartless bitch. Couldn’t she see what she was doing to her, could she just not see it or comprehend the horrors this fifteen year old had endured, how the amount of pressure she held around Mi’s chest would be physically hurting her? Could she not remember that she was once young and scared too?
Sighing at not knowing what else to do I got down to my knees covering my jeans in the pick goo that lied on the floor in a puddle. Very gently I placed my hands over the tops of Mi’s legs roughly where I would have restrained and rubbed them gently with my thumb feeling every bone under the flesh while not helping wondering if I had restrained her like I would the rest of them weather or not I would of broke the bone in half.
I had silenced my alarm as soon as I had gotten into the room but from some reason crystal hadn’t stopped her distress signal from hers and as predicted if not a little late Ava and Zak rolled though tumbled through the door announcing that they had heard the alarm which Crystal now content with her audience stopped.
“Little madam thought she could attack me,” Crystal sneered and Mi’s sobs became harder it was so obviously no the case it was cruel to say it and as on cue I heard Mi sob a little harder, she was not a violent person well not to any one else at least and there was no way I was going to let Crystal get away with saying she was with out Mi knowing I was still fighting her corner.
“Actually I believe Mi was probably trying to harm her self with one of the sharps Crystal, she has no history of violence at all but much with self harm.” I countered roughly but instantly wished I hadn’t as Crystal made her restraint tighter until she was almost choking Mi, she didn’t like people back chatting to her especially a nurse who was higher in a authority to her so she would take it out on the week and Mi was the weakest party in the room.
“On the other hand,” I sighed knowing that Crystal wouldn’t give in until I agreed she could take Mi fully to the floor and sedate her I told Crystal and the others I would put Mi in the ECA until she could control her actions and calm down I also added firmly that I would be the one observing her while she was in there, it was the only way I could get her away from the god awful barley human Crystal but still I hated my self for it.
To my surprise Mi reacted in the complete opposite way then what I thought she would. I would of bet good money to say that there was no way she was going to calm own and I had even made a hazy plan of how I could hump over Mi to the cabinet on the far side of the room where our sedative was kept for extreme emergencies however on this occasion I would of found my self out of pocket.
Mi stopped in seconds coming to a complete stand still her hands by her side, her head looking down to the floor, her screaming compactly silent. It was exactly like someone had found a remote control for her and hit the stand by button.
Crystal took this opportunity and as fast as lightning cleared a path away of sharps and sunk to the Ensure covered ground behind Mi and forcibly made the restraint the to me seemed so unnecessary now that she had stopped. As nurses we where meant to give verbal commands and warnings and the restrain the patient didn’t respond to them, Mi had responded but crystal just didn’t care.
Mi’s crying came back then years and years of silent pain running from her eyes and echoing from her chest as she sat up close to Crystal on the floor. I wanted to knock Crystal’s heavy arms out of the way and take her place behind Mi so I could just hold her tight next to me, not restraining her but just holding her, holding her tight until her pain went away.
“Emmet!” Crystal snapped at me “restrain her legs for me!” I found too much time with Crystal almost toxic to me and I almost snapped back at her to not be such a heartless bitch. Couldn’t she see what she was doing to her, could she just not see it or comprehend the horrors this fifteen year old had endured, how the amount of pressure she held around Mi’s chest would be physically hurting her? Could she not remember that she was once young and scared too?
Sighing at not knowing what else to do I got down to my knees covering my jeans in the pick goo that lied on the floor in a puddle. Very gently I placed my hands over the tops of Mi’s legs roughly where I would have restrained and rubbed them gently with my thumb feeling every bone under the flesh while not helping wondering if I had restrained her like I would the rest of them weather or not I would of broke the bone in half.
I had silenced my alarm as soon as I had gotten into the room but from some reason crystal hadn’t stopped her distress signal from hers and as predicted if not a little late Ava and Zak rolled though tumbled through the door announcing that they had heard the alarm which Crystal now content with her audience stopped.
“Little madam thought she could attack me,” Crystal sneered and Mi’s sobs became harder it was so obviously no the case it was cruel to say it and as on cue I heard Mi sob a little harder, she was not a violent person well not to any one else at least and there was no way I was going to let Crystal get away with saying she was with out Mi knowing I was still fighting her corner.
“Actually I believe Mi was probably trying to harm her self with one of the sharps Crystal, she has no history of violence at all but much with self harm.” I countered roughly but instantly wished I hadn’t as Crystal made her restraint tighter until she was almost choking Mi, she didn’t like people back chatting to her especially a nurse who was higher in a authority to her so she would take it out on the week and Mi was the weakest party in the room.
“On the other hand,” I sighed knowing that Crystal wouldn’t give in until I agreed she could take Mi fully to the floor and sedate her I told Crystal and the others I would put Mi in the ECA until she could control her actions and calm down I also added firmly that I would be the one observing her while she was in there, it was the only way I could get her away from the god awful barley human Crystal but still I hated my self for it.
Monday, 11 July 2011
(Esmee's POV) Please don't tell mummy (mI's side)
OK i just want to add a trigger warning to this i am not sure what it is triggering for exactly but i am sure it is. Alos if there are any fans of Esmee out this might be not very nice hearing her being treated so badly by someone but this chapter is sadly so often true in many cases of self harm that it is sad, to any one who has had this esperance or anything close i am very sorry.
take care,
stay strong,
vikki
Please don’t tell mummy
The whole seen that played out in front of me had now had all ready been lived before in my life just at a different time and a different set of people for this was how my mother found out I had been cutting my self all those years ago.
She had said I had changed as she lurched forward and ripped the sleeve up on my long sleeve t-shirt - another reason for why I now chose long sleeved blouses as I
Thought they would be harder to get into, no one could undo a button and pull up my sleeve before I stopped them, or so I thought. -
The look on my mothers face after she saw the neat rows of perfect cuts was still as clear as day in my head as it was back then, the way she stumbled back four spaced with her hand over her mouth and her eyes full of tears before she come to a hault stopped by the kitchen work surface and just stared at me unable to form speech.
I had needed my mum then; I had needed her to reach out and wrap her arms around me and tell her that she still loved me and that it was all going to be OK and she was going to make it better but that of course did not happen and instead she turned off the oven and hob grabbed me roughly by the shoulder and frog marched me out the front door before throwing me into the passenger seat of the car pulling the seat belt around me and herself then turned the ignition in the car and racied down are street at full speed.
I had begged her through harsh sobs for her to tell me where she was taking me, for her to tell me she still loved me for her to just say anything but she remained silent angrily drumming the stearing wheel with her fingers whenever she was held up by traffic.
I told her I was sorry over and over again that I had never meant to hurt her and I wan’t sure how it had all got so bad or why I couldn’t stop it but she either couldn’t here me or she didn’t want to, she just drove, drove until I saw the big red sign that read acsasent and emergancys loom up in front of us. I screamed at her wildly that I didn’t want to go to the hospital that I was going to stop and she didn’t need to take me but she didn’t listen instead she angrily slammed the car door before swinging open mine and barking at me to get out but I wouldn’t move I sat paralized against the aging car seat cover and sobbed my whole body shaking with the pain and the fear I felt; I had never felt fear like that before and I begged her to take me home, that I felt to sick to move, that I needed to use the toilet and I couldn’t breath but nothing could calm her as she grabbed hold of my arm roughly dragging me from the car and pulling me over to the automatic door of the A&E with such force that she actually hurt me; she had never hurt me before.
I could feel nothing but fear and the crazy beating of my heart as she throw me into a chair in the waiting room as the worst happened and I wet my self. I still sobbed harder still while gagging on my own choking tears, I was 15 years old, 15 year olds didn’t sob like a baby or scream and shout and 15 years olds certainly didn’t wet them self’s in fear mo matter how scary a situation but I just had and I was falling apart at the seams of me.
“ My daughter needs some serious help!” My mum bellowed at the kind looking elderly lady behind the desk while pointing an accusing finger at me her face red and taught with an anger I had never seen before.
“Of course she does,” The elderly woman said sweetly “She does look very distressed, maybe you could tell me what the problem is?”
I screamed at her not to tell though my tears as I stumbled to my feet shaking all over not in front of all the other crowds of people in A&E but she didn’t listen and instead she turned back to the nurse after giving me a disappointed look and announced as loudly as she could that the problem was me, that I was insane and needed to be looked away for a very long time and then even louder after she had all ready gathered the attention of ever man woman and child in the waiting room she turned to point at me again as said “She’s been purposely cutting her self,” before turning her back on me going out through the doors of A&E getting into her car and driving of with weal’s spinning; not even looking back once.
take care,
stay strong,
vikki
Please don’t tell mummy
Esmee
The whole seen that played out in front of me had now had all ready been lived before in my life just at a different time and a different set of people for this was how my mother found out I had been cutting my self all those years ago.
She had said I had changed as she lurched forward and ripped the sleeve up on my long sleeve t-shirt - another reason for why I now chose long sleeved blouses as I
Thought they would be harder to get into, no one could undo a button and pull up my sleeve before I stopped them, or so I thought. -
The look on my mothers face after she saw the neat rows of perfect cuts was still as clear as day in my head as it was back then, the way she stumbled back four spaced with her hand over her mouth and her eyes full of tears before she come to a hault stopped by the kitchen work surface and just stared at me unable to form speech.
I had needed my mum then; I had needed her to reach out and wrap her arms around me and tell her that she still loved me and that it was all going to be OK and she was going to make it better but that of course did not happen and instead she turned off the oven and hob grabbed me roughly by the shoulder and frog marched me out the front door before throwing me into the passenger seat of the car pulling the seat belt around me and herself then turned the ignition in the car and racied down are street at full speed.
I had begged her through harsh sobs for her to tell me where she was taking me, for her to tell me she still loved me for her to just say anything but she remained silent angrily drumming the stearing wheel with her fingers whenever she was held up by traffic.
I told her I was sorry over and over again that I had never meant to hurt her and I wan’t sure how it had all got so bad or why I couldn’t stop it but she either couldn’t here me or she didn’t want to, she just drove, drove until I saw the big red sign that read acsasent and emergancys loom up in front of us. I screamed at her wildly that I didn’t want to go to the hospital that I was going to stop and she didn’t need to take me but she didn’t listen instead she angrily slammed the car door before swinging open mine and barking at me to get out but I wouldn’t move I sat paralized against the aging car seat cover and sobbed my whole body shaking with the pain and the fear I felt; I had never felt fear like that before and I begged her to take me home, that I felt to sick to move, that I needed to use the toilet and I couldn’t breath but nothing could calm her as she grabbed hold of my arm roughly dragging me from the car and pulling me over to the automatic door of the A&E with such force that she actually hurt me; she had never hurt me before.
I could feel nothing but fear and the crazy beating of my heart as she throw me into a chair in the waiting room as the worst happened and I wet my self. I still sobbed harder still while gagging on my own choking tears, I was 15 years old, 15 year olds didn’t sob like a baby or scream and shout and 15 years olds certainly didn’t wet them self’s in fear mo matter how scary a situation but I just had and I was falling apart at the seams of me.
“ My daughter needs some serious help!” My mum bellowed at the kind looking elderly lady behind the desk while pointing an accusing finger at me her face red and taught with an anger I had never seen before.
“Of course she does,” The elderly woman said sweetly “She does look very distressed, maybe you could tell me what the problem is?”
I screamed at her not to tell though my tears as I stumbled to my feet shaking all over not in front of all the other crowds of people in A&E but she didn’t listen and instead she turned back to the nurse after giving me a disappointed look and announced as loudly as she could that the problem was me, that I was insane and needed to be looked away for a very long time and then even louder after she had all ready gathered the attention of ever man woman and child in the waiting room she turned to point at me again as said “She’s been purposely cutting her self,” before turning her back on me going out through the doors of A&E getting into her car and driving of with weal’s spinning; not even looking back once.
Sunday, 10 July 2011
Esmee falling (Mi's side)
ok i know i said i was going to stop and i still might yet but i just piced up my computer and started writing mostly just because it felt so increadably normal to do so after all this time and i came up with Another chapter and though i would post it any how. I am not sure if it is any good but hay
OH AND JUST A QUICK HEADS UP ABOUT TRIGGERIG I THINK THIS CHAPTER COULD TRIGGER SELF HARM QUITE A LOT SO AS ALWYAS SAFTY FIRST PLEASE!!!
Esmee falling
My out burst seemed to shock Esmee and Jasper and there was a moment when neither said nothing and just looked at me like somehow I had just appeared into the centre of the room and interrupted into a very private situation. I was used to being invisible I was used to feeling like I actually wasn’t there at all and I was used to after all my time as a patient having all my decisions talking away from me, the trouble is what I was used to and what I liked where two different things and I wasn’t the same person that I used to be; somehow for some things I had found a voice to speak.
“Well I think I will leave you two girls two it.” Jaspers said softly still shocked by my inturuption before he picked up the tray of different medication on the table and left the room in his usual camp dance.
“I’m sorry Esmee said as the door clicked into place behind Jasper, “I shouldn’t have talked about you like you weren’t here, it’s rude and un called for, forgive me?” Esmee smiled, and of course I did right away she could of murdered my cat and I probably would of found a way of forgiving her after all she was all I had; she was the only one that kept coming back for more abuse time and time again.
“I think it is impossible to be angry at you for more then a few seconds Esmee.” I sighed smiling as I swirled my index finger around in the pink plastic washing up bowl of warm water.
“I’m just a bit touchy too,” I surrendered eventually as Esmee satayed quwite sencing there was more i should say “I’m 16 it’s embracing two have people talk about washing you."
“I know I’m sorry I forget some times, I shouldn’t but it is easy to after being a nurse for so long; you tend to lose all you inhabitations even if the person you working with hasn’t, to me it is nothing that I haven’t seen before you see, they are all just working bits in the human body, you spend so long training about it you can forget that some bits you don’t normally show off to other people.
“I guess you have seen it all before on me any way, many times; I never was all that great at avoiding red observations and I did just strip off in front of you any way. I sighed feeling the redness prickle in my cheeks and the tears dance over my vision as the shame took over me, what the hell had I done? What in gods name did I think I was going to achieve by getting naked in front of her? What was I proving exactly; that I was actually as mad as everyone feared?
“Don’t let it upset you honey, it’s nothing to me as I said and I think I know why you did it, don’t forget I have been you darling, I have felt bad too, not the same because no one ever feels the same thing, but I have felt really bad.” Esmee soothed sitting up close to me on the bed and putting one of her hands in the water next to my finger.s
looking closely I could see some very old very faded white scars settled under the skin confirming to me that Esmee meant everything she said she had been hurt before too, she had felt bad.
“”Where you hurt before too? It seems stupid asking I know as I am not sure why anyone would want to hurt you but when I look at you, you seem to know so much , like some how you have felt it, been there, had it happen."
“Yeah I was hurt but it was a very long time ago and I don’t talk about it to anyone ever OK it’s just something that happened to me and it isn’t important.” Esmee stuttered clearly off guard at my question, I had gone to close to home and I new when to withdraw; I wasn’t stupid, but something inside of me, the better part of me wouldn’t let the part that wanted to run do so for it felt like there was no justice in what she just said because I had been trying to lie and cheat my way into thinking what happened to me was not important for a long time but if there was one thing Esmee and Emmet ever did was prove that it was; that what they did could not just be shrugged off weather 20 minutes had passed or 20 years.
quick as lightning I reached out my hand to Esmee’s sleeve and flicked the button open and yanked her sleeve up before she could stop me, I was expecting to see the same patchwork of white and purple raised scars against the skin the same mismatched patchwork quilt that told a story of years of hurt and i had expected to ask her if what happnened to her wasn't important why she felt the need to cut her self but I didn’t see the scars, I saw something else; something worse and something that chilled me to the very bone.
Of course the scars where still there like they had been before but they had been joined by there former self’s, cuts; fresh, new and sore stood proudly against the old battlefield of memories where Esmee had fallen so many times before and then had fell again just recently. A line of perfect blue thread stitched into the skin holding the edges together of something that longed to fall apart; Esmee was falling apart.
OH AND JUST A QUICK HEADS UP ABOUT TRIGGERIG I THINK THIS CHAPTER COULD TRIGGER SELF HARM QUITE A LOT SO AS ALWYAS SAFTY FIRST PLEASE!!!
Esmee falling
My out burst seemed to shock Esmee and Jasper and there was a moment when neither said nothing and just looked at me like somehow I had just appeared into the centre of the room and interrupted into a very private situation. I was used to being invisible I was used to feeling like I actually wasn’t there at all and I was used to after all my time as a patient having all my decisions talking away from me, the trouble is what I was used to and what I liked where two different things and I wasn’t the same person that I used to be; somehow for some things I had found a voice to speak.
“Well I think I will leave you two girls two it.” Jaspers said softly still shocked by my inturuption before he picked up the tray of different medication on the table and left the room in his usual camp dance.
“I’m sorry Esmee said as the door clicked into place behind Jasper, “I shouldn’t have talked about you like you weren’t here, it’s rude and un called for, forgive me?” Esmee smiled, and of course I did right away she could of murdered my cat and I probably would of found a way of forgiving her after all she was all I had; she was the only one that kept coming back for more abuse time and time again.
“I think it is impossible to be angry at you for more then a few seconds Esmee.” I sighed smiling as I swirled my index finger around in the pink plastic washing up bowl of warm water.
“I’m just a bit touchy too,” I surrendered eventually as Esmee satayed quwite sencing there was more i should say “I’m 16 it’s embracing two have people talk about washing you."
“I know I’m sorry I forget some times, I shouldn’t but it is easy to after being a nurse for so long; you tend to lose all you inhabitations even if the person you working with hasn’t, to me it is nothing that I haven’t seen before you see, they are all just working bits in the human body, you spend so long training about it you can forget that some bits you don’t normally show off to other people.
“I guess you have seen it all before on me any way, many times; I never was all that great at avoiding red observations and I did just strip off in front of you any way. I sighed feeling the redness prickle in my cheeks and the tears dance over my vision as the shame took over me, what the hell had I done? What in gods name did I think I was going to achieve by getting naked in front of her? What was I proving exactly; that I was actually as mad as everyone feared?
“Don’t let it upset you honey, it’s nothing to me as I said and I think I know why you did it, don’t forget I have been you darling, I have felt bad too, not the same because no one ever feels the same thing, but I have felt really bad.” Esmee soothed sitting up close to me on the bed and putting one of her hands in the water next to my finger.s
looking closely I could see some very old very faded white scars settled under the skin confirming to me that Esmee meant everything she said she had been hurt before too, she had felt bad.
“”Where you hurt before too? It seems stupid asking I know as I am not sure why anyone would want to hurt you but when I look at you, you seem to know so much , like some how you have felt it, been there, had it happen."
“Yeah I was hurt but it was a very long time ago and I don’t talk about it to anyone ever OK it’s just something that happened to me and it isn’t important.” Esmee stuttered clearly off guard at my question, I had gone to close to home and I new when to withdraw; I wasn’t stupid, but something inside of me, the better part of me wouldn’t let the part that wanted to run do so for it felt like there was no justice in what she just said because I had been trying to lie and cheat my way into thinking what happened to me was not important for a long time but if there was one thing Esmee and Emmet ever did was prove that it was; that what they did could not just be shrugged off weather 20 minutes had passed or 20 years.
quick as lightning I reached out my hand to Esmee’s sleeve and flicked the button open and yanked her sleeve up before she could stop me, I was expecting to see the same patchwork of white and purple raised scars against the skin the same mismatched patchwork quilt that told a story of years of hurt and i had expected to ask her if what happnened to her wasn't important why she felt the need to cut her self but I didn’t see the scars, I saw something else; something worse and something that chilled me to the very bone.
Of course the scars where still there like they had been before but they had been joined by there former self’s, cuts; fresh, new and sore stood proudly against the old battlefield of memories where Esmee had fallen so many times before and then had fell again just recently. A line of perfect blue thread stitched into the skin holding the edges together of something that longed to fall apart; Esmee was falling apart.
Saturday, 9 July 2011
thinking of stopping
I am seriously thinking about stopping this don't get me wrong i enjoy it but it has all just ran away a bit, I mean nurses like Emmet and Esmee just don't exsist (In reality they are all like crystal) and i don't think in the entire history of creation there has been any one with as much bad luck as Mi.
I guess i'm just not a very good writer to be honest, i read some other peoples work and feel compleatly rubish mostly.
You have all been so nice to me and i can't beleave it has gone on for as long as it has but lets be honest who am i kidding back at RYL i got some pretty nasty comments one including "some people just can't write" about my stories as well as the good and it had played on my mind ever since i read it and now i am actually seeing where they are coming from. This of course could be becaus i have never had huge amounts of self confadince or it really could have some thruth in it aparatny i have no grasp on the english (spelling and grammer related) lauguage and my storyies don't any character and they are all very sammy been done before. I know these where the comments of a few inderviduels but i can't help see there point. Maybe it is a little boring.
to sum up this story has mosntly just turned into my thearpy even more so with Emmet and Esmee and i am almsot sure if i carry it on i will end up making them mister and misses superman,
I have no idea what to do? Maybe i will feel difrent in a few days? Myabe i am just going down hill again and feeling sorry for my self? Maybe i should book an appointment with my support worker?
Still there is a part of me that doesn't think i will be able to give up writing all together it has meant so much to me and i even started going to a creative writing group on a fri. I never feel as close to something as i do when i am writing and Mi Esmee and Emmet have almost become like real characters in my life. hell i even had to go to A&E with my frien the other day and my friend burst out laughing as she was sure crystal had managed to get her self in my local emergancy room; Now i am not sure if that is just creative or deeply dusterbing.
I want to keep writing this; nothing gives me more of a buzz but i have lost a lot of readers since it removal from RYL and i think that might just be to do woth the quality of the writing going down hill so much ans they same old story line being revisated, maybe i should stop presueing somthiong that is dead and full of so many mestakes and try my hand at something else; maybe some people truly arn't meant to be creative. :-(
I guess i'm just not a very good writer to be honest, i read some other peoples work and feel compleatly rubish mostly.
You have all been so nice to me and i can't beleave it has gone on for as long as it has but lets be honest who am i kidding back at RYL i got some pretty nasty comments one including "some people just can't write" about my stories as well as the good and it had played on my mind ever since i read it and now i am actually seeing where they are coming from. This of course could be becaus i have never had huge amounts of self confadince or it really could have some thruth in it aparatny i have no grasp on the english (spelling and grammer related) lauguage and my storyies don't any character and they are all very sammy been done before. I know these where the comments of a few inderviduels but i can't help see there point. Maybe it is a little boring.
to sum up this story has mosntly just turned into my thearpy even more so with Emmet and Esmee and i am almsot sure if i carry it on i will end up making them mister and misses superman,
I have no idea what to do? Maybe i will feel difrent in a few days? Myabe i am just going down hill again and feeling sorry for my self? Maybe i should book an appointment with my support worker?
Still there is a part of me that doesn't think i will be able to give up writing all together it has meant so much to me and i even started going to a creative writing group on a fri. I never feel as close to something as i do when i am writing and Mi Esmee and Emmet have almost become like real characters in my life. hell i even had to go to A&E with my frien the other day and my friend burst out laughing as she was sure crystal had managed to get her self in my local emergancy room; Now i am not sure if that is just creative or deeply dusterbing.
I want to keep writing this; nothing gives me more of a buzz but i have lost a lot of readers since it removal from RYL and i think that might just be to do woth the quality of the writing going down hill so much ans they same old story line being revisated, maybe i should stop presueing somthiong that is dead and full of so many mestakes and try my hand at something else; maybe some people truly arn't meant to be creative. :-(
Little girl Mi (Emmets side)
Little girl Mi
I really didn’t want to leave Esmee and I considered hitting my own RRA for some assistance for Mi so I could stay with her but there was also part of me that wanted to run like the wind to that clinic room and somehow stop that sobbing. Working in the unit for a long time no matter how heard you tried not to you seemed to get immune to different types of crying and shouting’ patients and slip ups and freak outs all the time but this sobbing was something different, maybe because it sounded so immensely child like and would send every parent from miles alone running in that direction as this cry was not a I want some sweets and I can’t get my own way cry but rather a I have fallen off the climbing frame and broke every limb in my body cry; she needed help, she needed comfort, she needed me.
“Use that bloody RRA if you need to!” I shouted behind me to Esmee as I started up the corridor in a run towards the clinic room following the screaming that got louder and more intense every second.
Reaching the clinic room I slammed my body hard up against the fire door and fumbled with my key chain so I could swipe the card and at the same time as shoving in the code and trying to put on a pair of latex gloves. In the end I gave up with the gloves and settled for opening the door and after the this attempt at entering the damn code the locks clicked open and i stumbled in through the door.
Mi was on the floor in a mess of strawberry Ensure screaming at the top of her voice as she scattered the condenses of the sharps box everywhere occasionally trying something sharp up against her arm to make a cut and screaming louder when it didn’t give the effect she desired.
She looked like a child there and then and her scream was off one to too so was her face and her body curled on the floor in the middle trying to find or do anything to make her feel better and if she could see better though her own tears she would find It; centimetres from her left hand I could see one small all ready blood covered straight edge razor.
I had no idea how I was going to stop her as in honesty getting on the floor behind her to restrain was going to be an impossibility unless I wanted a needle stuck up my ass, so I was going to have to try and talk her down though honestly I had no idea how I was going to be able to do that either she seemed to far gone to be talked down; hell I wish Esmee was here she would have managed the impossible.
As Mi’s hands darted to the left of her I new I had to react in seconds because once she found the razor I new she would have no issues in emptying her veins all over the floor right in front of us.
“Come now Mi I said as gently as I could placing one of my hands steadily on her shoulder knowing If she went for the razor blade now I would have half a chance at fighting her for it. “Stop this.”
I really didn’t want to leave Esmee and I considered hitting my own RRA for some assistance for Mi so I could stay with her but there was also part of me that wanted to run like the wind to that clinic room and somehow stop that sobbing. Working in the unit for a long time no matter how heard you tried not to you seemed to get immune to different types of crying and shouting’ patients and slip ups and freak outs all the time but this sobbing was something different, maybe because it sounded so immensely child like and would send every parent from miles alone running in that direction as this cry was not a I want some sweets and I can’t get my own way cry but rather a I have fallen off the climbing frame and broke every limb in my body cry; she needed help, she needed comfort, she needed me.
“Use that bloody RRA if you need to!” I shouted behind me to Esmee as I started up the corridor in a run towards the clinic room following the screaming that got louder and more intense every second.
Reaching the clinic room I slammed my body hard up against the fire door and fumbled with my key chain so I could swipe the card and at the same time as shoving in the code and trying to put on a pair of latex gloves. In the end I gave up with the gloves and settled for opening the door and after the this attempt at entering the damn code the locks clicked open and i stumbled in through the door.
Mi was on the floor in a mess of strawberry Ensure screaming at the top of her voice as she scattered the condenses of the sharps box everywhere occasionally trying something sharp up against her arm to make a cut and screaming louder when it didn’t give the effect she desired.
She looked like a child there and then and her scream was off one to too so was her face and her body curled on the floor in the middle trying to find or do anything to make her feel better and if she could see better though her own tears she would find It; centimetres from her left hand I could see one small all ready blood covered straight edge razor.
I had no idea how I was going to stop her as in honesty getting on the floor behind her to restrain was going to be an impossibility unless I wanted a needle stuck up my ass, so I was going to have to try and talk her down though honestly I had no idea how I was going to be able to do that either she seemed to far gone to be talked down; hell I wish Esmee was here she would have managed the impossible.
As Mi’s hands darted to the left of her I new I had to react in seconds because once she found the razor I new she would have no issues in emptying her veins all over the floor right in front of us.
“Come now Mi I said as gently as I could placing one of my hands steadily on her shoulder knowing If she went for the razor blade now I would have half a chance at fighting her for it. “Stop this.”
Misguided ghost (Mi's side)
Misguided ghost
The honest truth was I couldn’t tell him if I was hungry or not for I had stopped knowing what it felt like a long time ago. I still felt hunger, but in a different way from most, hunger to me felt like a wave of weakness pain and anxiety, a stab of betrayal from my own body as it longed for something that I new would only serve to make it truly repulsive but most of all hunger gave me a sick sort of happy feeling, if I was hungry and tired and week I was getting thinner and that was still important no matter what Esmee or anybody else said.
“I’m not hungry, sorry.” It seemed funny that I was being able to refuse food as easily as that, it had been a long time since I could use such an easy excuse to avoid eating and I couldn’t help but dart my eyes around to try and find the group of people that would come in and hold me down until I ate but they weren’t there it seemed a dice with death was all I needed to let me go with out food, (of course it wasn’t until later I noticed the rescue drip feed pumping into my veins)
“That’s all right maybe later.” Jasper chirped smiling, “Now I thing the best thing would be to get these sheets cleaned and you washed and changed before I give you these drugs because they can zonk you out pretty quickly and I don’t want you falling back to sleep in a sicky bed. So if you don’t mind I am going to make a start on these sheets, excuse me Mi.” Jasper said as he leant in forward over my bed and slid his arms in under my legs and back and picked me up clear off of the bed in one movement before sitting me in the recliner chair and leaning it back as far as it would go so I was almost as flat as I would have been on the bed.
Jasper worked quickly on the bed sheets and had the whole bed stripped and was whipping down the mattress with anti-septic wipes before my head stopped whirling along with my stomach from my unexpected lifting over to the chair.
I kept my eyes on Esmee as she got up to absentmindedly to help Jasper pull the stiff white sheet across the bed and started on the corners making neat corners and tucking them in under the corners of the mattress.
“We can tell you’re a nurse,” Jasper smiled as he finished his corners on his side of the bed and smoothed down the corners. “So how many years have you been mastering the hospital corners?” Jasper laughed looking over at Esmee.
“A long, long time, Esmee smiled, though saying that I am probably a little out of practise it’s been a while since I was on the wards.”
“Well if you ever feel like coming back I will put in a good word for you and those perfect corners.” Jasper winked as he put the finishing touches to the new blanket on the bed,
“You couldn’t pay me to do you job,” Esmee responded walking around to where I was sat on the chair and putting her hand on my shoulder, “Plus I’m not a nurse right now I am simply here for Mi. Are you all right my love?” She asked directing the last bit at me before yawning loudly though half open eyes; I only just realised how tired she actually looked.
“Here for Mi or not maybe it is time you went home and got some sleep, those recliners aren’t great fro getting shut eye in and Mi and myself will be OK together, not to mention the fact that after I give you all these she is going to be sleepy any way.”
“I will leave soon Esmee confirmed nodding rubbing her eyes again and yawning “I just want to make sore Mi Is OK and tucked up in bed and sleeping before I leave her.”
“Well OK sounds fair, does Mi maybe want you to help her get her washed before you head off it might be nicer for her then me doing it.” Jasper smiled again taking off his gloves and apron and chucking them into the bin then rubbing hand rub into them.
“Yeah I can do that.”
“Or I could was my self.” I interrupted slightly annoyed reminding them both that I was still in the room and not just a passer by in my own life.
The honest truth was I couldn’t tell him if I was hungry or not for I had stopped knowing what it felt like a long time ago. I still felt hunger, but in a different way from most, hunger to me felt like a wave of weakness pain and anxiety, a stab of betrayal from my own body as it longed for something that I new would only serve to make it truly repulsive but most of all hunger gave me a sick sort of happy feeling, if I was hungry and tired and week I was getting thinner and that was still important no matter what Esmee or anybody else said.
“I’m not hungry, sorry.” It seemed funny that I was being able to refuse food as easily as that, it had been a long time since I could use such an easy excuse to avoid eating and I couldn’t help but dart my eyes around to try and find the group of people that would come in and hold me down until I ate but they weren’t there it seemed a dice with death was all I needed to let me go with out food, (of course it wasn’t until later I noticed the rescue drip feed pumping into my veins)
“That’s all right maybe later.” Jasper chirped smiling, “Now I thing the best thing would be to get these sheets cleaned and you washed and changed before I give you these drugs because they can zonk you out pretty quickly and I don’t want you falling back to sleep in a sicky bed. So if you don’t mind I am going to make a start on these sheets, excuse me Mi.” Jasper said as he leant in forward over my bed and slid his arms in under my legs and back and picked me up clear off of the bed in one movement before sitting me in the recliner chair and leaning it back as far as it would go so I was almost as flat as I would have been on the bed.
Jasper worked quickly on the bed sheets and had the whole bed stripped and was whipping down the mattress with anti-septic wipes before my head stopped whirling along with my stomach from my unexpected lifting over to the chair.
I kept my eyes on Esmee as she got up to absentmindedly to help Jasper pull the stiff white sheet across the bed and started on the corners making neat corners and tucking them in under the corners of the mattress.
“We can tell you’re a nurse,” Jasper smiled as he finished his corners on his side of the bed and smoothed down the corners. “So how many years have you been mastering the hospital corners?” Jasper laughed looking over at Esmee.
“A long, long time, Esmee smiled, though saying that I am probably a little out of practise it’s been a while since I was on the wards.”
“Well if you ever feel like coming back I will put in a good word for you and those perfect corners.” Jasper winked as he put the finishing touches to the new blanket on the bed,
“You couldn’t pay me to do you job,” Esmee responded walking around to where I was sat on the chair and putting her hand on my shoulder, “Plus I’m not a nurse right now I am simply here for Mi. Are you all right my love?” She asked directing the last bit at me before yawning loudly though half open eyes; I only just realised how tired she actually looked.
“Here for Mi or not maybe it is time you went home and got some sleep, those recliners aren’t great fro getting shut eye in and Mi and myself will be OK together, not to mention the fact that after I give you all these she is going to be sleepy any way.”
“I will leave soon Esmee confirmed nodding rubbing her eyes again and yawning “I just want to make sore Mi Is OK and tucked up in bed and sleeping before I leave her.”
“Well OK sounds fair, does Mi maybe want you to help her get her washed before you head off it might be nicer for her then me doing it.” Jasper smiled again taking off his gloves and apron and chucking them into the bin then rubbing hand rub into them.
“Yeah I can do that.”
“Or I could was my self.” I interrupted slightly annoyed reminding them both that I was still in the room and not just a passer by in my own life.
FIXED!!
Ok so i think i got the commenting thig sorted which make me more then happy!!!!!!!
So when i am commenting on my own blog i will now be known as still lost in dreams or lust the plane lost in dreams you can also tell me by the picture of either the blue fighting fish or my chubby hamster known by the name of Gus!
So when i am commenting on my own blog i will now be known as still lost in dreams or lust the plane lost in dreams you can also tell me by the picture of either the blue fighting fish or my chubby hamster known by the name of Gus!
Friday, 8 July 2011
My old nemesis (Mi's side)
My old nemesis
“Hello girls sorry I took so long I got caught up in an admission but I am back now Jasper announced breaking layer of ice that had seemed to set over my self and Esmee she seemed to be so different and no matter how heard I tried to get back the Esmee I used to know she seemed to slip away further. Don’t get me wrong she was still almost scarily kind and loving and she still looked like her but it was like I had scared her beyond her ever really coming back to me; like ever time she looked at me all she saw was a ghost.
“Right I have Pain Killers and Anti sickness drugs to go in you hand and another pain killer for you to take orally and some saline to wash out all of your tubes, I also have some water and a cloth so we can give you a wash before changing you into your nice new Jamies.” Jasper smiled as he pushed a wheeling trolley of supplies in through the door before kicking the door closed behind him with a flick of his foot
“oh yeah and I brought you some food just in case you where hungry.”
Oh goody
Mi
“Right I have Pain Killers and Anti sickness drugs to go in you hand and another pain killer for you to take orally and some saline to wash out all of your tubes, I also have some water and a cloth so we can give you a wash before changing you into your nice new Jamies.” Jasper smiled as he pushed a wheeling trolley of supplies in through the door before kicking the door closed behind him with a flick of his foot
“oh yeah and I brought you some food just in case you where hungry.”
Oh goody
Hello again
Sorry guys i am still unable to post a comment for some strange reasion i just want to reasure you again that i am not ignoring you and i am sorry that i am not responding as much as i used to.
I am glad that you still like my story and you are not board yet, i still can't beleave it i don't think i am a very good writer yet you are all so kind to me!
I am glad you are still finding it moving i think it could be very easy to become numb to what i am writing about after a while and yes i would like a Esmett to! I love writing about them.
I am glad that you still like my story and you are not board yet, i still can't beleave it i don't think i am a very good writer yet you are all so kind to me!
I am glad you are still finding it moving i think it could be very easy to become numb to what i am writing about after a while and yes i would like a Esmett to! I love writing about them.
Thursday, 7 July 2011
Esmee's scream (Emmets side)
Esmee’s scream
“Perfect,” I growled to Esmee as she easily matched my running pace as we sprinted down the corridor towards the clinic room, “What generous decided to put Crystal with her at lunch?”
“It’s probably fine Emmet, Mi probably just flinched or something and Crystal thought she was going to attach her or something Esmee answered just before she awkwardly misplaced her foot on the last run of the stairs and stumbled forwards crashing towards the floor in what looked like slow motion yet it was to fast for my attempt to grab her to have any effect at all; my heart stopped beating in my chest.
“Esmee! Esmee, honey are you all right? Talk to me honey are you OK, are you hurt?” I shouted desperately falling down nest to her on the floor trying to move my self so I could see her face without touching her; if she was hurt the last thing I wanted to do was move her even slightly.
“I’m OK, I’m OK just shaken.” Esmee confirmed loudly moving her self back up to a seating position on the end of the stairs “Emmet Go, Mi needs you, I’m OK.” Esmee urged pointing up the corridor when the clinic was; was she insane sis she really thin I was going to leave her side until she was properly checked over by a doctor and back at home wither her feet up with me pampering her.
“Don’t be any idiot! I don’t give a shit who needs me, I’m not leaving you now, in fact I’m calling an ambulance.” I corrected shoving my hands into my jean pockets to try and find my mobile that I should of none wouldn’t of been there while I was working.
“Don’t be a plank! I don’t need an ambulance I am fine you idiot!” Esmee laughed looking out at me from under her hair, “I tripped down one stair and the only injury I have is a broken nail and some mild shaking.” Esmee laughed again shaking her head at me in exasperation from what she saw as a blatant overreaction.
It was then that we both heard the scream come up the corridor from the clinic room and the howling painful crying that made both Esmee and my self’s head snap around to look in the direction it had come from, it wasn’t Crystal that was crying but Mi and she sounded really hurt.
“Hell if your not going Emmet I am, I can’t listen to that.” Esmee confirmed something burning deep in her eyes as she unsteadily got to her feet.
“I know that scream Emmet,” Esmee stuttered almost in tears not from her fall but the continuous sobbing from up the hall way, “ I know it because I remember using it and that’s a bad scream and she really needs help.”
“Your not going anywhere.” I confirmed looking over Esmee’s pail features “Sit and calm down then go and have some orange juice. I will go.”
“Just help her,” Esmee nodded one tear falling out the corner of her left eye “Just help her; you have no idea how much pain she is in.”
“Perfect,” I growled to Esmee as she easily matched my running pace as we sprinted down the corridor towards the clinic room, “What generous decided to put Crystal with her at lunch?”
“It’s probably fine Emmet, Mi probably just flinched or something and Crystal thought she was going to attach her or something Esmee answered just before she awkwardly misplaced her foot on the last run of the stairs and stumbled forwards crashing towards the floor in what looked like slow motion yet it was to fast for my attempt to grab her to have any effect at all; my heart stopped beating in my chest.
“Esmee! Esmee, honey are you all right? Talk to me honey are you OK, are you hurt?” I shouted desperately falling down nest to her on the floor trying to move my self so I could see her face without touching her; if she was hurt the last thing I wanted to do was move her even slightly.
“I’m OK, I’m OK just shaken.” Esmee confirmed loudly moving her self back up to a seating position on the end of the stairs “Emmet Go, Mi needs you, I’m OK.” Esmee urged pointing up the corridor when the clinic was; was she insane sis she really thin I was going to leave her side until she was properly checked over by a doctor and back at home wither her feet up with me pampering her.
“Don’t be any idiot! I don’t give a shit who needs me, I’m not leaving you now, in fact I’m calling an ambulance.” I corrected shoving my hands into my jean pockets to try and find my mobile that I should of none wouldn’t of been there while I was working.
“Don’t be a plank! I don’t need an ambulance I am fine you idiot!” Esmee laughed looking out at me from under her hair, “I tripped down one stair and the only injury I have is a broken nail and some mild shaking.” Esmee laughed again shaking her head at me in exasperation from what she saw as a blatant overreaction.
It was then that we both heard the scream come up the corridor from the clinic room and the howling painful crying that made both Esmee and my self’s head snap around to look in the direction it had come from, it wasn’t Crystal that was crying but Mi and she sounded really hurt.
“Hell if your not going Emmet I am, I can’t listen to that.” Esmee confirmed something burning deep in her eyes as she unsteadily got to her feet.
“I know that scream Emmet,” Esmee stuttered almost in tears not from her fall but the continuous sobbing from up the hall way, “ I know it because I remember using it and that’s a bad scream and she really needs help.”
“Your not going anywhere.” I confirmed looking over Esmee’s pail features “Sit and calm down then go and have some orange juice. I will go.”
“Just help her,” Esmee nodded one tear falling out the corner of her left eye “Just help her; you have no idea how much pain she is in.”
Handover drama (Emmets side)
Handover drama
Handover as ever started off as boring as ever really when we finally got to work that day, lets face it, it was hardly ever exciting or at least there was hardly ever anything new to here as after a while day to day routine always over ruled even Mi the new girl seemed to have had a quiet and uneventful night and morning apart from the almost expected news of refusal of both Breakfast and launch and need for transfer to skylight ward if Dinner was also refused. In fact to me it had seemed so likely that I had even covered it on the nurse’s rota that morning and put my self down as her chaperone for when the time come.
So it was all of are RRA’S going off together that woke all of us up in handover and sent are fair few of us jumping out of our chairs in surprise as the urgent sounding cats chorus of alarms infiltrated the room to alert us of an emergency.
Esmee and my self reacted first leaping off of are chairs and making a bee line for the door as we observed the initials CS flashing wildly from are screens, we in fairness usually wouldn’t of responded this fast for a panic call from CS as CS was Crystal Spears and in all fairness she normally used her RRA for anything just short of her wanting a cup of tee but today It was different Crystal was currently trying to force Ensure down Mi’s throat so this call probably meant Mi was really in trouble.
Handover as ever started off as boring as ever really when we finally got to work that day, lets face it, it was hardly ever exciting or at least there was hardly ever anything new to here as after a while day to day routine always over ruled even Mi the new girl seemed to have had a quiet and uneventful night and morning apart from the almost expected news of refusal of both Breakfast and launch and need for transfer to skylight ward if Dinner was also refused. In fact to me it had seemed so likely that I had even covered it on the nurse’s rota that morning and put my self down as her chaperone for when the time come.
So it was all of are RRA’S going off together that woke all of us up in handover and sent are fair few of us jumping out of our chairs in surprise as the urgent sounding cats chorus of alarms infiltrated the room to alert us of an emergency.
Esmee and my self reacted first leaping off of are chairs and making a bee line for the door as we observed the initials CS flashing wildly from are screens, we in fairness usually wouldn’t of responded this fast for a panic call from CS as CS was Crystal Spears and in all fairness she normally used her RRA for anything just short of her wanting a cup of tee but today It was different Crystal was currently trying to force Ensure down Mi’s throat so this call probably meant Mi was really in trouble.
A one man show (Emmets side)
A one man show
I had no argument for Esmee’s last statement so rather grudgingly I scribbled the initials ESB next to Mi’s name and went about trying to finish the rest of the rota it was not easy when I was trying to Keep Esmee from doing ton much and could almost feel the tiredness set in as I yet again marked my self in for another hour of red’s with Aphrodite.
“For goodness sake Emmet your not superman Esmee protested as she leant over my shoulder pen at the ready and scribbled out almost half of the spots that had my name and added her own instead; my insides twisted slightly as she put her self on night medication for some reason I didn’t like to think of her alone and dishing out a lethal mixture of tablets today she seemed far to fragile.
“My love you have your self in no less then three different places at the same time here Esmee laughed scribbling two of them out and adding her name and Jacobs; I grimaced at the thought of Jacob doing and hour with Marie but realized Esmee was right Jacob was there weather I liked it or not and like it or not it would be impossible to conduct a shift with out using him.
“Now that looks a bit less like a one man show and more of a team effort Esmee smiled clicking the chewed cap of my pen back into place and removing the rota from in front of me so I couldn’t make any more adjustments.
“are you sure you are OK though?” I Moaned resting my head against the table top and sighing it had been a long night and I had a feeling it was going to be an even longer day when we finally got to work.
“I’m sure I am OK, I just rather not think of it. It was a mistake that I made and now I want to forget about it like all cuts they will fade soon and work will be a welcome distraction from them there is nothing like a shift in apple gate house to make me realise I have been a lot, lot worse.”
I had no argument for Esmee’s last statement so rather grudgingly I scribbled the initials ESB next to Mi’s name and went about trying to finish the rest of the rota it was not easy when I was trying to Keep Esmee from doing ton much and could almost feel the tiredness set in as I yet again marked my self in for another hour of red’s with Aphrodite.
“For goodness sake Emmet your not superman Esmee protested as she leant over my shoulder pen at the ready and scribbled out almost half of the spots that had my name and added her own instead; my insides twisted slightly as she put her self on night medication for some reason I didn’t like to think of her alone and dishing out a lethal mixture of tablets today she seemed far to fragile.
“My love you have your self in no less then three different places at the same time here Esmee laughed scribbling two of them out and adding her name and Jacobs; I grimaced at the thought of Jacob doing and hour with Marie but realized Esmee was right Jacob was there weather I liked it or not and like it or not it would be impossible to conduct a shift with out using him.
“Now that looks a bit less like a one man show and more of a team effort Esmee smiled clicking the chewed cap of my pen back into place and removing the rota from in front of me so I couldn’t make any more adjustments.
“are you sure you are OK though?” I Moaned resting my head against the table top and sighing it had been a long night and I had a feeling it was going to be an even longer day when we finally got to work.
“I’m sure I am OK, I just rather not think of it. It was a mistake that I made and now I want to forget about it like all cuts they will fade soon and work will be a welcome distraction from them there is nothing like a shift in apple gate house to make me realise I have been a lot, lot worse.”
(Esmee ) Making mistakes, not mistakes (Mi's side)
Making mistakes, not mistakes
“I am not plying a game here or entering into a competition. I am not competing for you Mi I don’t want it so I can put you on my shelf or say I cured you, not all fighting is about winning something; life isn’t meant to be conquered or won it’s just meant to be lived; lived with the one’s you love.”
“That would suggest that you love me.” Mi whispered softly her eyes lids fluttering open briefly before closing again, sometimes it seemed like it was to much for her just to look at me; I could never admit that sometimes I had felt the same way about her; her scares scared me, the cuts I had to stitch on her had horribly triggered me and her physical body at times repulsed me not to mention the tiny glimpses I had gotten at her soul had completely destroyed me however there had also been times when I just couldn’t look away. Whole nights had passed in minutes as I had watched her sleep and other more recant night in the ICU painfully slowly as I watched anxiously as she crashed in and out always ready with my hand on the crash alarm always listening as doctors and consultants talked and always praying; praying to every god I had ever heard of when I over heard them use phrases like “she’s circling the drain,” not to mention almost decking one of the doctors when he questioned weather he should even be treating someone who tried to kill them self and not just letting her so he could get on with some “proper work.” It took Emmet physically restraining me and quietly suggesting that a complaint would work better then me going down for ABH to stop me from punching him in the face not to mention much shouting about how knocking him out might not work as well but would damn sure make me feel better.
“I do love you.” I finally answered gently pulling my self out of my day dream, not able to think of another more suitable and professional way of describing it; she had hit the nail right on the head.
“I think I might find it heard for you to love me and I think it might freak me out sometimes and I can go a bit insane when I’m freaked out.”
“You know what, I have noticed that.” I smiled reaching out and messing up her some what greasy and dirty hair. I had tried a couple of times over the month that had passed to wash her hair put the various tubes and lines had made it almost impossible to make a good job of it. Emmet my self and the other nurses had managed to keep her clean and fresh though bed baths and had sorted her out when there had been ascendants with leaking and blocked cafeter not to mention a few Emmet and my self replaced when an over tired over worked busy nurse tried to shove one in in ten seconds flat and managed to mess it up; I new there was a reason we all had to have general nursing before specializing.
“I will try and be better Esmee, I will try and be good for you, for Emmet and even some of the others but I have tried before and it hasn’t worked out so well.”
“just because you sometimes get anxious or freak out a little doesn’t make you a bad person or no good Mi, We all make mistakes some bigger then others but just because we make mistakes doesn’t mean we are a mistake.”
“I am not plying a game here or entering into a competition. I am not competing for you Mi I don’t want it so I can put you on my shelf or say I cured you, not all fighting is about winning something; life isn’t meant to be conquered or won it’s just meant to be lived; lived with the one’s you love.”
“That would suggest that you love me.” Mi whispered softly her eyes lids fluttering open briefly before closing again, sometimes it seemed like it was to much for her just to look at me; I could never admit that sometimes I had felt the same way about her; her scares scared me, the cuts I had to stitch on her had horribly triggered me and her physical body at times repulsed me not to mention the tiny glimpses I had gotten at her soul had completely destroyed me however there had also been times when I just couldn’t look away. Whole nights had passed in minutes as I had watched her sleep and other more recant night in the ICU painfully slowly as I watched anxiously as she crashed in and out always ready with my hand on the crash alarm always listening as doctors and consultants talked and always praying; praying to every god I had ever heard of when I over heard them use phrases like “she’s circling the drain,” not to mention almost decking one of the doctors when he questioned weather he should even be treating someone who tried to kill them self and not just letting her so he could get on with some “proper work.” It took Emmet physically restraining me and quietly suggesting that a complaint would work better then me going down for ABH to stop me from punching him in the face not to mention much shouting about how knocking him out might not work as well but would damn sure make me feel better.
“I do love you.” I finally answered gently pulling my self out of my day dream, not able to think of another more suitable and professional way of describing it; she had hit the nail right on the head.
“I think I might find it heard for you to love me and I think it might freak me out sometimes and I can go a bit insane when I’m freaked out.”
“You know what, I have noticed that.” I smiled reaching out and messing up her some what greasy and dirty hair. I had tried a couple of times over the month that had passed to wash her hair put the various tubes and lines had made it almost impossible to make a good job of it. Emmet my self and the other nurses had managed to keep her clean and fresh though bed baths and had sorted her out when there had been ascendants with leaking and blocked cafeter not to mention a few Emmet and my self replaced when an over tired over worked busy nurse tried to shove one in in ten seconds flat and managed to mess it up; I new there was a reason we all had to have general nursing before specializing.
“I will try and be better Esmee, I will try and be good for you, for Emmet and even some of the others but I have tried before and it hasn’t worked out so well.”
“just because you sometimes get anxious or freak out a little doesn’t make you a bad person or no good Mi, We all make mistakes some bigger then others but just because we make mistakes doesn’t mean we are a mistake.”
Monday, 4 July 2011
(Esmee) it's the winning that counts (mi's side)
It’s the winning that counts
There where a hundred million things I should and could have said to Mi but my body wouldn’t let the comfort I should have provided come out of my mouth. My training in all fairness could sometimes come in handy in these situations, I new how to deal with the enclosure of any type of abuse I had done the role play aced the written work and more yet it still didn’t prepare me for the first time someone in apple gate house told me how her uncle abused her and nothing could make it OK as I watched that uncle walk free from court because there was a lack of evidence and now once again I had been knocked of my feet by the abuse of a child, it appeared that even the on the job experiences with real patients could prepare you for abuse your little sister suffered and right here right now that was all I was, nothing with no words and no way to make her pain go away or make her forget it all; in fact even with out my own tears at the particular time I would still be useless to her.
“I made you cry again, that seams to be the one thing I’m good at; great.” I hear Mi moan dully from up on the bed as tried to counteract my crying, Mi wasn’t well enough yet to know I was crying for her and not because of her; sometime it was like looking after a baby with little or no life skill that was trapped in a teenagers body.
“You didn’t make me cry.” I countered looking up form my hands and wiping the tears off of my cheeks with my thumb and rubbing my eyes gently to try and counter any redness that I may have caused.
“I didn’t mean to shout at you Esmee.”
“It’s OK.” I lied, I couldn’t tell her how much it actually hurt because I didn’t actually want to hurt her and I also couldn’t believe it my self how much it hurt; I used to be so strong and solid how had she changed me?
“I had to give you that chance, I had to fight one more time for you but I think I am done now, that was my last stand, I can’t fight to save you any more, I’m to tired, Mi moaned closing her eyes slowly her body still and against the bed.
It was true she did look so tired lying there like she had be fighting forever and even though it was much more likely she wouldn’t actually die now from her latest suicide attempt I feared at that moment as she lied there her spirit and soul where about to slip away forever and what could I do alone to revive it? Suddenly keeping alive the physical body seemed so much easier then it did ten not so long ago; I couldn’t perform CPR on a soul.
“Who are you trying to save me from?
“How many times Esmee, how loud have I got to shout it at you? You say your going to fight for me and I keep trying to get you to walk away because you can’t fight and win a battle that has all ready been lost, and I know every one says it isn’t the winning that counts but lets face it when you work so heard for it and you don’t measure up and you lose it hurts like hell really, every one wants to win; what would be the point of competition if they didn’t
There where a hundred million things I should and could have said to Mi but my body wouldn’t let the comfort I should have provided come out of my mouth. My training in all fairness could sometimes come in handy in these situations, I new how to deal with the enclosure of any type of abuse I had done the role play aced the written work and more yet it still didn’t prepare me for the first time someone in apple gate house told me how her uncle abused her and nothing could make it OK as I watched that uncle walk free from court because there was a lack of evidence and now once again I had been knocked of my feet by the abuse of a child, it appeared that even the on the job experiences with real patients could prepare you for abuse your little sister suffered and right here right now that was all I was, nothing with no words and no way to make her pain go away or make her forget it all; in fact even with out my own tears at the particular time I would still be useless to her.
“I made you cry again, that seams to be the one thing I’m good at; great.” I hear Mi moan dully from up on the bed as tried to counteract my crying, Mi wasn’t well enough yet to know I was crying for her and not because of her; sometime it was like looking after a baby with little or no life skill that was trapped in a teenagers body.
“You didn’t make me cry.” I countered looking up form my hands and wiping the tears off of my cheeks with my thumb and rubbing my eyes gently to try and counter any redness that I may have caused.
“I didn’t mean to shout at you Esmee.”
“It’s OK.” I lied, I couldn’t tell her how much it actually hurt because I didn’t actually want to hurt her and I also couldn’t believe it my self how much it hurt; I used to be so strong and solid how had she changed me?
“I had to give you that chance, I had to fight one more time for you but I think I am done now, that was my last stand, I can’t fight to save you any more, I’m to tired, Mi moaned closing her eyes slowly her body still and against the bed.
It was true she did look so tired lying there like she had be fighting forever and even though it was much more likely she wouldn’t actually die now from her latest suicide attempt I feared at that moment as she lied there her spirit and soul where about to slip away forever and what could I do alone to revive it? Suddenly keeping alive the physical body seemed so much easier then it did ten not so long ago; I couldn’t perform CPR on a soul.
“Who are you trying to save me from?
“How many times Esmee, how loud have I got to shout it at you? You say your going to fight for me and I keep trying to get you to walk away because you can’t fight and win a battle that has all ready been lost, and I know every one says it isn’t the winning that counts but lets face it when you work so heard for it and you don’t measure up and you lose it hurts like hell really, every one wants to win; what would be the point of competition if they didn’t
(Esmee) the tornado (Mi's side)
The tornado
I had no Idea what the hell I was doing apart from kissing goodbye to my career if any one found me crying the corner of the room, though saying that I wasn’t sure I cared about that anymore any way. After Mia and Emmet my work was the most important thing to me but Mi seemed to of knocked it flying; like a tornado she had flew though the doors of apple gate house and even before I new we where related I felt something for her that a nurse was not meant to feel for there patients, Love, compassion, warmth and so much more, It seemed stupid to me that a nurse was not aloud to feel those things as in reality that was the whole of are job description, there was nothing else involved we where there to care comfort and keep safe not observe medicate and tackle which if we all worked by the book we would spend the majority of are time doing but hay that was how it was now and maybe I didn’t fit into that, maybe I should of seen my self slipping out of the nursing before but it seemed to be the arrival of Mi that slapped me around the face with the fact I maybe cared to much and I was burning out, Mi made me wonder if I could do it any more; i had had my doubts about my line of work before but they where just niggles however now the seemed to be bigger doubts and impossable to ignore.
what Mi had done cut into me and left a hole I didn’t know if I could fill again let alone be able to get the image of her lifeless body against the lino floor out of my head. It had been a month since the incident when I found her and every night I saw it again bobbing in the front of my memory. Emmet was concerned off course and I lied telling him It was a stupid recurring dream about falling every time I woke up screaming in the middle of the night; not about the death of my only recant discovered half sister; if he did know he would try and pull me away from her but suddenly it didn’t matter how I felt or how I fell down because it all boiled down to one harsh fact, I wasn’t there when she needed someone to protect her from the monsters that she had to face but now I was older and I new how I could i would save her even if saving her killed me.
Esmee
I had no Idea what the hell I was doing apart from kissing goodbye to my career if any one found me crying the corner of the room, though saying that I wasn’t sure I cared about that anymore any way. After Mia and Emmet my work was the most important thing to me but Mi seemed to of knocked it flying; like a tornado she had flew though the doors of apple gate house and even before I new we where related I felt something for her that a nurse was not meant to feel for there patients, Love, compassion, warmth and so much more, It seemed stupid to me that a nurse was not aloud to feel those things as in reality that was the whole of are job description, there was nothing else involved we where there to care comfort and keep safe not observe medicate and tackle which if we all worked by the book we would spend the majority of are time doing but hay that was how it was now and maybe I didn’t fit into that, maybe I should of seen my self slipping out of the nursing before but it seemed to be the arrival of Mi that slapped me around the face with the fact I maybe cared to much and I was burning out, Mi made me wonder if I could do it any more; i had had my doubts about my line of work before but they where just niggles however now the seemed to be bigger doubts and impossable to ignore.
what Mi had done cut into me and left a hole I didn’t know if I could fill again let alone be able to get the image of her lifeless body against the lino floor out of my head. It had been a month since the incident when I found her and every night I saw it again bobbing in the front of my memory. Emmet was concerned off course and I lied telling him It was a stupid recurring dream about falling every time I woke up screaming in the middle of the night; not about the death of my only recant discovered half sister; if he did know he would try and pull me away from her but suddenly it didn’t matter how I felt or how I fell down because it all boiled down to one harsh fact, I wasn’t there when she needed someone to protect her from the monsters that she had to face but now I was older and I new how I could i would save her even if saving her killed me.
Friday, 1 July 2011
Anybody there?
I Havent heard from lots of you latly and i was wondering if every one was doing OK. I'm always here for you guys if you ever want to talk or something. feel free to drop me an e-mail.
take care vikki
take care vikki
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