(Esmee) No where to go (Mis's side)

No where to go

Lightning strikes the pages keep on turning,

Help me to be strong,

I’m floating in a sea of strange believers,

Oh where do I belong?

Where do I belong?

Anastacia

I ran; it was the only thing I could think of doing as I yanked the sleeve down on my arm and sprang to my feet not thinking once as I bolted out the door and up the corridor to the nurses station where Jasper sat behind the desk typing with one finger on the computer while sipping a cup of tea.

“Could someone go in with Mi?” I asked stiffly trying to keep my self calm for a few seconds as I talked to Jasper even though I could feel my bottom lip quivering from the built up tears that where inside of me.

“Esmee, honey are you all right?” Jasper asked switching the monitor off on the PC and swinging his chair around to get to his feet “You look a little upset has something happened?”

“I have to leave.” I said not stopping to look into his eyes or even properly hear what he was saying I just wanted to run; run forever.

“Esmee? My love what’s happened?”

“Just look after her, she is going to be very upset and unhappy, tell her that I still love her and I will come back tomorrow and give her a hug she will calm down with enough contact, but I do have to go!” I stuttered pulling my self away from Jasper and starting down the corridor before I got distracted and pulled back by the horrendous crying that was now coming from back up the corridor and out of the room I had just fled.

I didn’t want to run in the corridors in intensive care but my feet refused to walk or even run slowly so I had to sprint, I had to keep pushing faster and faster to get out of the ICU and then the hospital that felt like it was going to swallow me whole.

it was raining heavily for the first time in a long time when I got out side the door which suited me fine. I ran out into it letting the cold spears of rain soak into my clothes and hair as I fell down to my knees in a puddle on the floor letting the tears fall from my eyes in heavy jerking sobs. I had wanted to be strong and secure for Mi, I hadn’t ever wanted her to know that in the last month I had been struggling too; that somehow I had started cutting my self again and I wasn’t able to stop and I hated it.

After a while of sobbing my heart out on the cold wet floor I unsteadily got to my feet again and started walking in the general direction of home every feeling I didn’t want to feel bubbling inside of me trying to reach the surface as the tears still spilled over my eyes. I knew it wasn’t the most amazing idea to walk the reasonably long walk home in the early hours of the morning in the pouring rain but my heart would not let me do the sensible thing and call the taxi that would take me there. I wanted Emmet’ I wanted his arms around me and his kisses on my neck, I wanted him to tell me that it was all going to be OK that he could solve this again like he had before and that the urges weren’t going to come back again, that it wasn’t going to hurt me but I just couldn’t go home to him and shake him awake like I wanted to because inside I knew I didn’t deserve his compassion and I was scared if I went back to what I was he wouldn’t want me any more.