(Esmee) Our big secret (Mi's side)

* TRIGGER WARNING, SI,  STAY SAFE

Our big secret

“Emmet!” I called loudly from the bathroom watching as the surge of red escaped out of the top of the skin like something had made the damn burst out from behind a wall and now it was aloud to it ran everywhere destroying everything.

“Emmet!” I shouted again louder this time even though my voice was now shaking almost unable to comprehend what it was seeing let alone act on it or stop it.

This wasn’t meant to happen it was meant to just take the edge off of things, a few shallow superficial cuts on my skin to make the universe slow down and that is what it had started out as but I had lost control of it, got swept away in the moment and the last four cuts where bad; really bad and now they where emptying my blood all over the bathroom floor like someone had turned on a tap.

“Emmet I really need your help!” I screamed loudly trying to cover the wounds with my other had to try and make the blood stop but it didn’t instead it found every crack between the fingers and seeped through dripping down my arm onto the floor into a puddle.

With a shaking hand I reached out to the top of the bathroom cabinet where my phone was sitting and diled 999 carefully with a shaking finger before hovering over the green call button. I did not want to die; this had never been about dying it had always had survival at the heart of it but I had to ponder weather I would want to live knowing everything I would have to give up as I unsuccessfully tried to play the A&E doctor by telling him I had put my arm through a window and he told me smashed glass didn’t leave perfect incisions in someone’s arm.

“Esmee honey! Where are you?” I heard Emmet shout his foot steps heavy as he negotiated the stares at a run.

“I’m in the bathroom.” I said in a stutter clearing the numbers on the scream and throwing my phone into the cabinet again, he was here now; he could chose how it all ended.

“Oh good god!” Emmet shouted as he opened the bathroom door and walked in standing in a puddle of my blood with his bared feet.

“Arteries Esmee!” he yelled at me loudly which made me cry for some reason as he dived into the airing cupboard and pulled out a bundle of towels and set about pressing them heard against my arm throwing the offending limb into the air and holding it there.

“Esmee,” He growled again trying to get my eyes to lock with his “Are these bleeds arterial?” He asked cursing under his breath “If they are I want you to grab your phone and call 999 now!”

“I don’t think so,” I stumbled trying to arrange the words in my head. “I used a safe place and there wasn’t much force behind the bleeding; just a lot of it.”

“There are no safe places Esmee!” Emmet growled again ripping his t-shirt at the bottom so he could tie the towel to my arm before he grabbed another one and pressed it tightly over the red one that was tied there.

“I’m sorry.” I squeaked trying to help hold the towel in place but got my hand pushed away by Emmet as he squeezed the wound tighter. “This wasn’t meant to happen, it was meant to be little and a few, it was just meant to make me feel better Emmet, just to slow it down for a while but I couldn’t stop, I just couldn’t and then before I new it there was all this blood going everywhere.” I stuttered the tears becoming more forceful as I tried to explain away what I had done.

“Shhh, I know, I know, I shouldn’t have shouted at you but I had to make sure you hadn’t seriously hurt your self and you needed a shock to get you to answer at all.”

“Is it as bad as it looks?” I asked weekly edging my self towards Emmet so I could be close enough to touch him.

“You will need some stitches Esmee.” Emmet confirmed as he gently peeled back the edge of one of the towels to check if the wounds where still bleeding, “the good news is though they have stopped bleeding so I won’t be calling for an ambulance right now.”

“It makes no difference,” I moaned the tears building inside of me again as I heard the news. It made no difference how I got the A&E it was the fact that I would have to go to there at all it would all end in the same arguments, the same doctors and in the end the same visit from the CRT where I would have to fight to the death to keep everything I had; how the hell could I just throw it all away?

“Do you need help Esmee? Emotional help?”


“I need an arm full of stitches.”

“Which makes me think taking you to the A&E might be the best option right now; not for the stitches but for the pursuing involvement of the mental health services. I am beginning to think that you need that right now.”

“Need what Emmet?”

“A short stay in the hospital; they can look after you better then I can, you have cut your self three times in the last two weeks and the cuts are getting worse, it is getting all little dangerous for me.”

“So you want to throw me in Elm grove lodge?” I shouted unable to comprehend what he was saying to me “You promised me you would never do that to me again Emmet! You promised you would never make me go back there again unless I was on the edge!”

“You are on the edge.” Emmet moaned as she tried to squeeze the ends of the open wounds together making a line of blood trickle down from the edge like in a way they where crying; crying for what I had done.

“I am not on the edge Emmet. I am struggling with self harm right now but I am no where near on the edge I have been there, hell I have even fell off of it and I know what it feels like but this is different, this is nothing like that.” I promised Emmet as I got to my feet and looked at him directly into his eyes trying to search inside them to see what he was thinking; to see how much I had actually hurt him.

“I have a few suture kits down stairs.” Emmet said gently looking away from my eyes “I got them for times like this. I will do your stitches now but if you go more down hill I won’t do them again.”