Esmee falling (Mi's side)

ok i know i said i was going to stop and i still might yet but i just piced up my computer and started writing mostly just because it felt so increadably normal to do so after all this time and i came up with Another chapter and though i would post it any how. I am not sure if it is any good but hay



OH AND JUST A QUICK HEADS UP ABOUT TRIGGERIG I THINK THIS CHAPTER COULD TRIGGER SELF HARM QUITE A LOT SO AS ALWYAS SAFTY FIRST PLEASE!!!


Esmee falling

My out burst seemed to shock Esmee and Jasper and there was a moment when neither said nothing and just looked at me like somehow I had just appeared into the centre of the room and interrupted into a very private situation. I was used to being invisible I was used to feeling like I actually wasn’t there at all and I was used to after all my time as a patient having all my decisions talking away from me, the trouble is what I was used to and what I liked where two different things and I wasn’t the same person that I used to be; somehow for some things I had found a voice to speak.

“Well I think I will leave you two girls two it.” Jaspers said softly still shocked by my inturuption before he picked up the tray of different medication on the table and left the room in his usual camp dance.

“I’m sorry Esmee said as the door clicked into place behind Jasper, “I shouldn’t have talked about you like you weren’t here, it’s rude and un called for, forgive me?” Esmee smiled, and of course I did right away she could of murdered my cat and I probably would of found a way of forgiving her after all she was all I had; she was the only one that kept coming back for more abuse time and time again.

“I think it is  impossible to be angry at you for more then a few seconds Esmee.” I sighed smiling as I swirled my index finger around in the pink plastic washing up bowl of warm water.
“I’m just a bit touchy too,” I surrendered eventually as Esmee satayed quwite sencing there was more i should say “I’m 16 it’s embracing two have people talk about washing you."

“I know I’m sorry I forget some times, I shouldn’t but it is easy to after being a nurse for so long; you tend to lose all you inhabitations even if the person you working with hasn’t, to me it is nothing that I haven’t seen before you see, they are all just working bits in the human body, you spend so long training about it you can forget that some bits you don’t normally show off to other people.

“I guess you have seen it all  before on me any way, many times; I never was all that great at avoiding red observations and I did just strip off in front of you any way. I sighed feeling the redness prickle in my cheeks and the tears dance over my vision as the shame took over me, what the hell had I done? What in gods name did I think I was going to achieve by getting naked in front of her? What was I proving exactly; that I was actually as mad as everyone feared?

“Don’t let it upset you honey, it’s nothing to me as I said and I think I know why you did it, don’t forget I have been you darling, I have felt bad too, not the same because no one ever feels the same thing, but I have felt really bad.” Esmee soothed sitting up close to me on the bed and putting one of her hands in the water next to my finger.s
looking closely I could see some very old very faded white scars settled under the skin confirming to me that Esmee meant everything she said she had been hurt before too, she had felt bad.

“”Where you hurt before too? It seems stupid asking I know as I am not sure why anyone would want to hurt you but when I look at you, you seem to know so much , like some how you have felt it, been there, had it happen."


“Yeah I was hurt but it was a very long time ago and I don’t talk about it to anyone ever OK it’s just something that happened to me and it isn’t important.” Esmee stuttered clearly off guard at my question, I had gone to close to home and I new when to withdraw; I wasn’t stupid, but something inside of me, the better part of me wouldn’t let the part that wanted to run do so for it felt like there was no justice in what she just said because I had been trying to lie and cheat my way into thinking what happened to me was not important for a long time but if there was one thing Esmee and Emmet ever did was prove that it was; that what they did could not just be shrugged off weather 20 minutes had passed or 20 years.

quick as lightning I reached out my hand to Esmee’s sleeve and flicked the button open and yanked her sleeve up before she could stop me, I was expecting to see the same patchwork of white and purple raised scars against the skin the same mismatched patchwork quilt that told a story of years of hurt and i had expected to ask her if what happnened to her wasn't important why she felt the need to cut her self but I didn’t see the scars, I saw something else; something worse and something that chilled me to the very bone.

Of course the scars where still there like they had been before but they had been joined by there former self’s, cuts; fresh, new and sore stood proudly against the old battlefield of memories where Esmee had fallen so many times before and then had fell again just recently. A line of perfect blue thread stitched into the skin holding the edges together of something that longed to fall apart; Esmee was falling apart.