(Esmee FB) Can you stop? (Mi's side)

Another day another trigger warning, you all the drill by now. I think it manly triggers self harm but overall a nasty upsetting update so stay safe as always
take care Vikki


Can you stop?

Esmee.” Doctor Carter said softly pulling his chair up close to the corner of the nurses office where I had hidden my self away After Dawn had refused me to let me leave. I had screamed at her bashed my fragile wrists up against the door angrily until I swore every one of my bones had been broken and attempted to brake the scales before in the end I gave up and slipped into a little cubby-hole in the corner behind the desk and the wall and curled up testing the boundaries of how small I could make my self.

“Esmee.” Doctor Carter said again his voice even softer as he tried to reach one of his hands into touch me and I flinched away making him quickly retract his hand away like he was trying to calm a frightened animal cornered in a cage.

“Are you scared?” I didn’t move a muscle or even breathe too heavily as I didn’t want to give anything away.

“Dawn can you go and tell Wendy to cancel all of my afternoon appointments and to alert every one who will be needed for a possible AGH admission.” Doctor Carter asked Dawn only briefly diverting his eyes away from me.

“Of course Doctor.” Dawn answered in a tone sweater then honey before turning for the door if she was any further up his ass she would of curtsied.

“What are you scared of Esmee, or are you sad, are you crying Esmee?”

“I don’t cry; ever.” I grumbled stiffly under my breath.

“Whys that then, are you not sad? are you angry Esmee, who are you angry with Dawn, myself, or maybe you are mad at your self?” Doctor Carter asked again abandoning his chair and squtting down as close as he could get to me removing his tie and undoing the top button on his shirt.

“Am I a little less scary now Esmee, not so official maybe?”

“Don’t be ridicules;” I hissed “I’m not scared of you anyway.”

“Then what are you hiding from? Why don’t you come out take a seat and let me talk to you?” Doctor Carter asked again in his deep silky voice that always seemed to talk on a seductive quality even when he wasn’t trying.”

“I would rather stay in here. I like small spaces better then the open world, it’s a safety masseur.”

“Do you think I am going to hurt you Esmee?” I shook my head biting down hard on my own lip as I dug my pointed nails into the tender flesh in the middle of my gapping cuts making the blood gush back up to the surface again before it cascaded down my arm in a beautiful waterfall of liquid ruby’s.

“ Are you hurting your self in there Esmee?”

“No!”

“I think you are, those cuts weren’t bleeding minute ago and they are now. I’m not saying you have to, but can you stop?” For the first time I then looked at him, directly into his chocolate eyes and regarded him sceptically as I felt the warm blood drip from my arm and onto the floor wit soft little pings. I had never been asked this before, it had always been assumed that my cutting and scratching was in my control and this seemed like he was asking me if it actually was or not, like there might be something a whole lot bigger then a nasty habit.

“Wh…what?” I stuttered “Are you telling me to stop? Are you asking my to stop or are you going to stop me?” I babbled out barely catching my breath between each jumbled question.”

“No not exactly. Yes I would like you to stop Esmee but I’m not sure you can. I want to know if you feel like you are choosing to make your self bleed or weather you feel like you have too.” Doctor Carter asked calmly As he handed me some paper towels to soak up the blood.

“I can’t stop.” I stuttered my voice braking with tears that I though had long given up trying to consume me, I had stopped crying when I realised that it hurt to much but now the action seemed totally involuntary; like for years they had been waiting for someone who understood to show up and allow them there release.

“That’s what I thought.” He soothed gently reaching in another hand to me which I didn’t flinch away from this time.

“I’m scared,” I whispered back to him so quietly I was almost sure he wouldn’t here “It scares me more then anything else, why can’t I stop?”

“I’m not sure Esmee, but I think with a lot of help and encouragement that you could stop, and I really think you need the help. You know you are going to die with out it don’t you?”

“Yes.”

“Do you want to die Esmee?”

“Yes, I think so but I think it is only because I want the pain to go away and I have tried everything else. Do you think you could help me Doctor?”

“You will have to go to hospital for a bit Esmee and it’s going to be really heard because it will feel like everyone is fighting against you but yes I think they could help you. Esmee have you heard of apple gate house?