(Esmee) have you ever (Mi's side)

Hi every one you would of probably got this all ready but just to slap it around your face a bit more and make it blatently obveous this is an Esmee flash back moment.





Also it is very triggering protentoaly of everything but worse for any one with sensativaty to the Eating disorder bits.
take care
as always stay safe
Vikki


Have you ever?

I new the sigh very well that escaped the nurses lips as I saw the numbers on the scale in front of me hover at five stone one ounce a whole three pounds lighter then I had been the week before, she was disappointed she was always continuously wanting the numbers to creep up while I was always looking for them to slide down closer and closer to zero where I would disappear.

“One ounce Esmee, One bleeding ounce, you must try harder you fat pig, you descust me.” The voice inside of my head - also known as Amy- hissed her voice angry and taught at my near miss of her target weight for me, every weight she would set a weight for me to get under and every week she would torture me for hours if I failed. This week she had wanted fewer than five stone and I was over; I had failed and failing was not an option, Amy would my self would not settle for anything other then perfect; perfection was all that mattered next to being thin that was.

“Doctor Carter will want to see you Esmee,” Dawn the nurse said typing her notes into the computer where all my information was kept. “You have lost more weight you blood pressure is low, your blood sugar is low and I think the sores on you hips are infected again not to mention the fact those new cuts on your arm will need stitches.” Dawn sighed tapping her pen against the side of the desk as she flipped back over my previous weeks of observations before making the computer fill in my grid with another line heading steeply downwards from the last point.

“I have been really sick this week I lied to Dawn quietly as I rang my hands together nervously.

“And the week before Esmee, and the week before that?” Dawn asked exasperated “Do you have no idea how sick you really are, at the strain you are putting on your body? You will die Esmee. We are not saying it to scare you or piss you off we do mean it if you carry on you are going to die, in fact it is getting to the point where every time I see you I wonder if it will be the last week I ever do.” Dawn said firmly with the same edge of annoyance in her voice. “I mean don’t you care weather you live or not?”

“Honestly Dawn I really couldn’t give a shit anymore.”

“Esmee, honey, I know that it can be heard growing up and I know what it…”

“Give it a rest!” I snapped angrily back cutting Dawn off mid sentence from one of her trade mark ultra long speeches “You know nothing, I am so fed up when you pretend to know how it is or how I feel because you don’t! Have you honestly ever got up in the morning and cried because you weren’t dead yet? Have you ever walked out into the middle of a busy main roan and hoped one of the cars wouldn’t be able to stop in time? Have you emptied your medicine cabinet of every last pill and took them all at once? Have you ever felt the need to drag a razor across you skin? Have you ever felt like you might actually be going insane, not just a bit lost but properly working back and forth hearing and seeing things insane? Have you ever been so hungry that you emptied he fridge freezer and ate everything all in one go right down to a pack of butter and a jar of mayonnaise before spending the next two hours making your self puke to you faint.”

“No…but”

“But nothing! Now I am going home and there is nothing you can do to stop me!” I shouted angrily jumping to my feet as the familiar black dots exploded across my vision warning me that I may faint if I tried to push my self any further which would be fine after I left the doctors surgery and found a quiet place to do so but not then a

So I closed my eyes tightly and tried to chase them away.

“I can’t let you leave Esmee.” Dawn said firmly stepping over to the door blocking it “not now, you are a danger to your self and It would be wrong to let you go now.”