(Esmee's POV) Please don't tell mummy (mI's side)

OK i just want to add a trigger warning to this i am not sure what it is triggering for exactly but i am sure it is. Alos if there are any fans of Esmee out this might be not very nice hearing  her being treated so badly by someone but this chapter is sadly so often true in many cases of self harm that it is sad, to any one who has had this esperance or anything close i am very sorry.
take care,
stay strong,
vikki


Please don’t tell mummy

Esmee

The whole seen that played out in front of me had now had all ready been lived before in my life just at a different time and a different set of people for this was how my mother found out I had been cutting my self all those years ago.

She had said I had changed as she lurched forward and ripped the sleeve up on my long sleeve t-shirt - another reason for why I now chose long sleeved blouses as I

Thought they would be harder to get into, no one could undo a button and pull up my sleeve before I stopped them, or so I thought. -

The look on my mothers face after she saw the neat rows of perfect cuts was still as clear as day in my head as it was back then, the way she stumbled back four spaced with her hand over her mouth and her eyes full of tears before she come to a hault stopped by the kitchen work surface and just stared at me unable to form speech.

I had needed my mum then; I had needed her to reach out and wrap her arms around me and tell her that she still loved me and that it was all going to be OK and she was going to make it better but that of course did not happen and instead she turned off the oven and hob grabbed me roughly by the shoulder and frog marched me out the front door before throwing me into the passenger seat of the car pulling the seat belt around me and herself then turned the ignition in the car and racied down are street at full speed.



I had begged her through harsh sobs for her to tell me where she was taking me, for her to tell me she still loved me for her to just say anything but she remained silent angrily drumming the stearing wheel with her fingers whenever she was held up by traffic.

I told her I was sorry over and over again that I had never meant to hurt her and I wan’t sure how it had all got so bad or why I couldn’t stop it but she either couldn’t here me or she didn’t want to, she just drove, drove until I saw the big red sign that read acsasent and emergancys loom up in front of us. I screamed at her wildly that I didn’t want to go to the hospital that I was going to stop and she didn’t need to take me but she didn’t listen instead she angrily slammed the car door before swinging open mine and barking at me to get out but I wouldn’t move I sat paralized against the aging car seat cover and sobbed my whole body shaking with the pain and the fear I felt; I had never felt fear like that before and I begged her to take me home, that I felt to sick to move, that I needed to use the toilet and I couldn’t breath but nothing could calm her as she grabbed hold of my arm roughly dragging me from the car and pulling me over to the automatic door of the A&E with such force that she actually hurt me; she had never hurt me before.

I could feel nothing but fear and the crazy beating of my heart as she throw me into a chair in the waiting room as the worst happened and I wet my self. I still sobbed harder still while gagging on my own choking tears, I was 15 years old, 15 year olds didn’t sob like a baby or scream and shout and 15 years olds certainly didn’t wet them self’s in fear mo matter how scary a situation but I just had and I was falling apart at the seams of me.

“ My daughter needs some serious help!” My mum bellowed at the kind looking elderly lady behind the desk while pointing an accusing finger at me her face red and taught with an anger I had never seen before.

“Of course she does,” The elderly woman said sweetly “She does look very distressed, maybe you could tell me what the problem is?”

I screamed at her not to tell though my tears as I stumbled to my feet shaking all over not in front of all the other crowds of people in A&E but she didn’t listen and instead she turned back to the nurse after giving me a disappointed look and announced as loudly as she could that the problem was me, that I was insane and needed to be looked away for a very long time and then even louder after she had all ready gathered the attention of ever man woman and child in the waiting room she turned to point at me again as said “She’s been purposely cutting her self,” before turning her back on me going out through the doors of A&E getting into her car and driving of with weal’s spinning; not even looking back once.