Not a bear, refuse to be a monster.
OK I can see how this might seem all a bit rambaly but waht i am trying to but across is how an attempted suice can affect the strongest of people.
pluss i love Esmee's character and i have always wanted to play with her a bit and this is a perfect opotunaty to do that so i am enjoying my self!
I hope yu enjoy it to
Oh P.S I think this could be midly triggering, so take care
“Emmet, that face, you will brake my heart.” I said quietly looking away.
“ Not before you brake mine. Why are you blocking me out? Why won’t you let me help? Don’t you trust me any more? I sometimes worry that I stole you from the world and held you to my self? Do you love me at all Ez? Or did I steal you from something better?”
Emmet’s tone was almost angry as he asked me the unthinkable, an imaginable questions. Had I created this? Had I turned this gentle loving man into something else entirely? Was I really just something he saved from the streets. Didn’t I love hum enough? The only reason I wanted to lie was because I didn’t want to keep being the baby he had to save.
“you know I love you.” I gulped my hands shaking as they gripped onto my jeans. “You know I would only ever want to belong with you.”
“I sometimes wander if you really do.” Emmet moaned putting his face in his hands and sighing heavily.
“Hell man!” I yelled jumping to my feet throwing my hands into the air. “ The only reason I lie is because I love you! If I didn’t I wouldn’t care how you fucking well saw me! I want to be your wife not your baby or you patient. I want to be perfect in every thing I do for your from cooking your tee to having sex with you but I am never that women!” I screamed the tears pouring over my cheeks making my vision blurred which right then I was thankful for. I wasn’t sure I could stand watching him walk away from me after I had finished.
“I will never be good enough to deserve you Em. To deserve the life you have given me I have never been good enough and I never will be! Why the hell do you think I sometimes want to kill my self? Because I imagine your world with out me and sometimes all I see is with out me, you would have it all!” I wailed storming out of the room to the kitchen before yanking open the top cupboard in a haze of anger and pain and grabbing the box of painkillers. If I wasn’t a good enough Bare I wouldn’t be anything. There was no way I would settle for becoming a monster again.
Thursday, 31 March 2011
(Esmee) To not lose you. (Mi's side)
To not lose you.
"I don't want to lie
Sayin' it's alright
Starin' at the walls 'round our lives
And are Ten Feet High
No, I'm not dumb."
Andrea corr Sayin' it's alright
Starin' at the walls 'round our lives
And are Ten Feet High
No, I'm not dumb."
Ten feet high
It was ten o’clock in the morning by the time I come back in the front door after the morning sweep of dropping Mia off at the nursery and Bobby at school after talking to his teacher and I was shattered. Mentally, physically end everything in between. My whole Body ached with a none physical pain that just would not budge and my face hurt from having to smile when inside in a way I was still crying. It had been just over 12 hours since Mi had been removed from the unit barely alive. In these 12 hours they either resuscitated her and she was somewhere alone in a bed on ICU or they would of called time of death and she would of died just how she had lived her life alone and scared.
“How are you feeling my love?” Emmet asked gently as I wrapped my self up onto the sofa next to him and blankly watched the pictures that moved across the television screen. There was nothing of any importance on Emmet had only be using it for back ground noise. Silence didn’t fit comfortably with any of us.
“It is heard to explain.” I mumbled
“Safe?”
“Yeah I ‘m safe.”
“I am sorry I fell asleep last night my love.” Emmet said reaching out his and wrapping it around mine giving it a light squeeze which I returned.
“It’s OK Em. I was OK by then any way and you must have been shattered after doing the early shift as well. You needed to sleep. I was on night mode my body thought it had to stay awake that’s why I couldn’t doze off.”
“The unit called Esmee.” Emmet said gently and immediately I tensed every muscle in my body ready to take the hit. There was over a thousand ways Emmet could tell me about Mi’s death. He would be searching for the right one in his head. The one that wouldn’t flatten me in one blow. The truth is though, even if he sugar coated it to an inch or normalness it would still hit the same as if he just turned around and said “Well Mi kicked the bucket.”
“She is stable but critical. Esmee she is going to be OK.”
My heart should of flipped over in joy, I should of shouted and screamed in joy and danced around the room but even I new what Emmet was saying was shit. Mi would live. That was obviously fantastic but she would most certainly not be OK. Her recovery time would be horrendously long and painful and most of all it wasn’t what she wanted. She would not thank any one for her life. She would hate them, and as soon as she could she would try again to end it. It seemed we where fighting the inevitable.
“Well that is good news.” I said nonchalantly not moving my eyes from the television. I would not cry the tears I needed to cry. Not in front of Emmet again. I asked to much of him and I was a big girl. I would handle It alone.
“Baby your walls are so high that I almost can’t climb them. Can’t you at least build a door and let me in?” Emmet asked squeezing my hand firmly. Was I that see through?"
“what walls Em.” I said turning to look at him applying an award winning smile to my face. “That is good news! Mi is going to be OK. We aren’t going to lose her. What could be better?”
Emmet’s face went paler as he frowned and he scrutinized my face with his eyes before letting his hand drop out of mine. He looked shocked. He looked hurt, he looked betrayed. Had I done this to him?
“Emmet?”
“To not lose you either.”
“How are you feeling my love?” Emmet asked gently as I wrapped my self up onto the sofa next to him and blankly watched the pictures that moved across the television screen. There was nothing of any importance on Emmet had only be using it for back ground noise. Silence didn’t fit comfortably with any of us.
“It is heard to explain.” I mumbled
“Safe?”
“Yeah I ‘m safe.”
“I am sorry I fell asleep last night my love.” Emmet said reaching out his and wrapping it around mine giving it a light squeeze which I returned.
“It’s OK Em. I was OK by then any way and you must have been shattered after doing the early shift as well. You needed to sleep. I was on night mode my body thought it had to stay awake that’s why I couldn’t doze off.”
“The unit called Esmee.” Emmet said gently and immediately I tensed every muscle in my body ready to take the hit. There was over a thousand ways Emmet could tell me about Mi’s death. He would be searching for the right one in his head. The one that wouldn’t flatten me in one blow. The truth is though, even if he sugar coated it to an inch or normalness it would still hit the same as if he just turned around and said “Well Mi kicked the bucket.”
“She is stable but critical. Esmee she is going to be OK.”
My heart should of flipped over in joy, I should of shouted and screamed in joy and danced around the room but even I new what Emmet was saying was shit. Mi would live. That was obviously fantastic but she would most certainly not be OK. Her recovery time would be horrendously long and painful and most of all it wasn’t what she wanted. She would not thank any one for her life. She would hate them, and as soon as she could she would try again to end it. It seemed we where fighting the inevitable.
“Well that is good news.” I said nonchalantly not moving my eyes from the television. I would not cry the tears I needed to cry. Not in front of Emmet again. I asked to much of him and I was a big girl. I would handle It alone.
“Baby your walls are so high that I almost can’t climb them. Can’t you at least build a door and let me in?” Emmet asked squeezing my hand firmly. Was I that see through?"
“what walls Em.” I said turning to look at him applying an award winning smile to my face. “That is good news! Mi is going to be OK. We aren’t going to lose her. What could be better?”
Emmet’s face went paler as he frowned and he scrutinized my face with his eyes before letting his hand drop out of mine. He looked shocked. He looked hurt, he looked betrayed. Had I done this to him?
“Emmet?”
“To not lose you either.”
(Esmee) I'm not bad am i Esmee? (Mi's side)
I’m not bad am I Esmee?
“Your mummy loves you very much Bobby” I said gently using a fingertip to brush away the tears that had gathered under his eyes while I pulled him in closer to me with the other arm.
“Your mummy really didn’t want you to have to come here and live with us for a little while but as you know she got poorly and she had to go the hospital so they could make her better again and even though mummy would of loved to have you with her she new she couldn’t look after you properly while she was so poorly. That doesn’t mean she loves you any less my darling. She still calls you whenever she is well enough to doesn’t she?” I said brightly trying to give him something to look forward to though in all honesty it had been a long time since Mrs. Ashford had been well enough to get to the phone.
“Samuel said only bad boys are put into foster care. I’m not bad am I Esmee?”
“No my love of course you are not bad. What I think I should do my love is come into school with you this morning and talk to Mrs Fisher abut Samuel because it doesn’t seem like he is being very kind to you at the moment and that isn’t OK. No one should be aloud to be nasty to any one else. Would that be OK?” I asked bending down and kissing him gently on the top of the fore head and in return he gave me a truly heart warming toothy smile while nodding his head.
“Good.” I said smiling back at him before messing up his hair making him giggle. “Now I think we should go and get some breakfast for you before Emmet eats it all!” I exclaimed clapping my hands and pulling the covers back off of us.
Squealing slightly Bobby scampered to the door dragging his dinosaur behind him by the tail. Shouting
“Emmet you better way not eat my breakfast!”
“Your mummy loves you very much Bobby” I said gently using a fingertip to brush away the tears that had gathered under his eyes while I pulled him in closer to me with the other arm.
“Your mummy really didn’t want you to have to come here and live with us for a little while but as you know she got poorly and she had to go the hospital so they could make her better again and even though mummy would of loved to have you with her she new she couldn’t look after you properly while she was so poorly. That doesn’t mean she loves you any less my darling. She still calls you whenever she is well enough to doesn’t she?” I said brightly trying to give him something to look forward to though in all honesty it had been a long time since Mrs. Ashford had been well enough to get to the phone.
“Samuel said only bad boys are put into foster care. I’m not bad am I Esmee?”
“No my love of course you are not bad. What I think I should do my love is come into school with you this morning and talk to Mrs Fisher abut Samuel because it doesn’t seem like he is being very kind to you at the moment and that isn’t OK. No one should be aloud to be nasty to any one else. Would that be OK?” I asked bending down and kissing him gently on the top of the fore head and in return he gave me a truly heart warming toothy smile while nodding his head.
“Good.” I said smiling back at him before messing up his hair making him giggle. “Now I think we should go and get some breakfast for you before Emmet eats it all!” I exclaimed clapping my hands and pulling the covers back off of us.
Squealing slightly Bobby scampered to the door dragging his dinosaur behind him by the tail. Shouting
“Emmet you better way not eat my breakfast!”
Monday, 28 March 2011
(Esmee) Powerless (Mi's side)
Ok i am really worried people are realyl not enjoying this any more. I promnise i am trying to get back to the point but i am grasping at straws for a way to actualy get there. Ugh. I feel like such a failier right now. Writing storys was one of the only things i used to be abel to do well and now i am even bad at that.
(Esmee) Powerless
Around Six thirty our new personal alarm clock come bounding into are bedroom and clambered clumsily up onto my side of the bed. I had left Bobby’s room around five and gone back to my are room where I spent the rest of the time nuzzled into Emmet’s chest feeling his heart beat up against my cheek and listening to his slow deep even breaths as he slept. At around six I had dropped off two into a dreamless sleep.
“Good morning Esmee, good morning Emmet.” Bobby said sweetly wriggling down below the covers waiting for me to wrap him up in the familiar early morning cuddle that had come tradition soon after he arrived with us after he had arrived in are bedroom on the first morning tears rolling down over his face declaring that he missed mummy’s cuddles. Emmet had got out of bed bent down to his height and said;
“Esmee’s cuddles may not be quite as speachel as mummy’s but she is very good at it too so why don’t you get in beside her while a go and get Mia and let her have a go at it.” From then on the routine was set.
“You almost give cuddles like my mummy Esmee.” Bobby whispered as I cradled him in close to my body while stroking my fingers through his baby blonde hair.
“Esmee?” booby asked gently as he played with a lose thread on my night dress.
“Yes my honey”
“Does my mummy not love me any more? Is that why mummy sent me to you? Because she not love me like she used to?” Bobby asked sadly rubbing sleep from his eyes. “Samuel at school said I am only living with you because my mummy doesn’t love me any more. He said that she wanted to get rid of me so she dumped me here with you.” Bobby whined tears starting to take over his voice as he thought about his mother.
Bobby was an unusual case. As in his mother loved him more then life it’s self. Mrs Ashford had no one in her life apart from her little lad. She worked a full time job paid the rent on a perfect little two bedroom flat and provided for her son better then most families ever could however a few weeks ago Mrs Ashford learnt she was sick and had to spend some time in hospital where she would be unable to look after her son. Normally a family member would take in a child in this case but there was no family and no willing friends so foster care was the only option.
My soul ached for the crying child that I held in my arms. With out even really meaning it other kids could be so cruel. Bobby was just five years old. He had never spent a night away from his mother in his whole life and then one day a stranger comes takes him by the hand and delivers him to us saying that he was going to be living with us for a while. His world had been turned upside down and inside out and once again there was nothing I could do to help him nothing I could do to even start to make it any better. I was completely powerless to do anything to make any difference and with out meaning to my own tears started falling as well.
(Esmee) Powerless
Around Six thirty our new personal alarm clock come bounding into are bedroom and clambered clumsily up onto my side of the bed. I had left Bobby’s room around five and gone back to my are room where I spent the rest of the time nuzzled into Emmet’s chest feeling his heart beat up against my cheek and listening to his slow deep even breaths as he slept. At around six I had dropped off two into a dreamless sleep.
“Good morning Esmee, good morning Emmet.” Bobby said sweetly wriggling down below the covers waiting for me to wrap him up in the familiar early morning cuddle that had come tradition soon after he arrived with us after he had arrived in are bedroom on the first morning tears rolling down over his face declaring that he missed mummy’s cuddles. Emmet had got out of bed bent down to his height and said;
“Esmee’s cuddles may not be quite as speachel as mummy’s but she is very good at it too so why don’t you get in beside her while a go and get Mia and let her have a go at it.” From then on the routine was set.
“You almost give cuddles like my mummy Esmee.” Bobby whispered as I cradled him in close to my body while stroking my fingers through his baby blonde hair.
“Esmee?” booby asked gently as he played with a lose thread on my night dress.
“Yes my honey”
“Does my mummy not love me any more? Is that why mummy sent me to you? Because she not love me like she used to?” Bobby asked sadly rubbing sleep from his eyes. “Samuel at school said I am only living with you because my mummy doesn’t love me any more. He said that she wanted to get rid of me so she dumped me here with you.” Bobby whined tears starting to take over his voice as he thought about his mother.
Bobby was an unusual case. As in his mother loved him more then life it’s self. Mrs Ashford had no one in her life apart from her little lad. She worked a full time job paid the rent on a perfect little two bedroom flat and provided for her son better then most families ever could however a few weeks ago Mrs Ashford learnt she was sick and had to spend some time in hospital where she would be unable to look after her son. Normally a family member would take in a child in this case but there was no family and no willing friends so foster care was the only option.
My soul ached for the crying child that I held in my arms. With out even really meaning it other kids could be so cruel. Bobby was just five years old. He had never spent a night away from his mother in his whole life and then one day a stranger comes takes him by the hand and delivers him to us saying that he was going to be living with us for a while. His world had been turned upside down and inside out and once again there was nothing I could do to help him nothing I could do to even start to make it any better. I was completely powerless to do anything to make any difference and with out meaning to my own tears started falling as well.
Friday, 25 March 2011
(Esmee) A brand new day (Mi's side)
Ok really bad chapter here. I officaly have writers block again. great. What i would normaly do it swao sides for a bit and work on the other one. The only problem is i have writers block on that side too. Fantastic. More soon, hopefully slightly more exciting too. Sorry everyone.
A brand new day
I spent the rest of that night surrounded in my tears they came and random times and nothing could be done to stop them. I tried to go too bed but I couldn’t sleep any way. My body was on night shift mode. It would not crave sleep until after 9am in the morning. Emmet stayed up with me too moving silently with me from room to room as I walked around the house unable to settle down any where for longer then thirty minutes.
It wasn’t until four in the morning I noticed his arm get heavier over mine as we lay down on the bed together after I once again attempted to go to sleep. I did not like to see him sleeping as I slipped out from under his arm and looked down on him from an upright position. He was too still, to calm. A part of me almost reached out and shook him just to make sure his eyes would open that he would not be stuck like that forever. Instead I stood and watched him for a good twenty minutes listening to his deep breathing before moving on to Mia’s and then bobby’s doing the same thing.
“Esmee?” Booby said stirring rubbing sleep from his eyes as he sat up in his bed and squinted at me standing in the light of the door.
“It’s all right sweet heart, go back to sleep.” I whispered gently going closer to his bed and pulling the duvet cover back up over him and picking up his stuffed dinosaur off of the floor placing it in beside of him.
“Why where you watching me Esmee?” Bobby asked wrapping his arms around the dinosaur and closing his eyes again.
“I was just checking that you where OK my darling.” I soothed gently, smiling at his little face as he relaxed again and his breathing become deep.
I sat there for a long time after that in the corner of the room watching him sleep until I noticed the sun starting to shine around the corners of the curtains in the room signalling the start of a brand new day.
A brand new day
I spent the rest of that night surrounded in my tears they came and random times and nothing could be done to stop them. I tried to go too bed but I couldn’t sleep any way. My body was on night shift mode. It would not crave sleep until after 9am in the morning. Emmet stayed up with me too moving silently with me from room to room as I walked around the house unable to settle down any where for longer then thirty minutes.
It wasn’t until four in the morning I noticed his arm get heavier over mine as we lay down on the bed together after I once again attempted to go to sleep. I did not like to see him sleeping as I slipped out from under his arm and looked down on him from an upright position. He was too still, to calm. A part of me almost reached out and shook him just to make sure his eyes would open that he would not be stuck like that forever. Instead I stood and watched him for a good twenty minutes listening to his deep breathing before moving on to Mia’s and then bobby’s doing the same thing.
“Esmee?” Booby said stirring rubbing sleep from his eyes as he sat up in his bed and squinted at me standing in the light of the door.
“It’s all right sweet heart, go back to sleep.” I whispered gently going closer to his bed and pulling the duvet cover back up over him and picking up his stuffed dinosaur off of the floor placing it in beside of him.
“Why where you watching me Esmee?” Bobby asked wrapping his arms around the dinosaur and closing his eyes again.
“I was just checking that you where OK my darling.” I soothed gently, smiling at his little face as he relaxed again and his breathing become deep.
I sat there for a long time after that in the corner of the room watching him sleep until I noticed the sun starting to shine around the corners of the curtains in the room signalling the start of a brand new day.
Thursday, 24 March 2011
(Esmee's POV) 14 little years (Mi's side)
Ok so i might of had a mini melt down when i wrote this I am not intirly sure why. Writing this just seemed to really upset me. I guess what i am trying to say is i don't think there is any triggger but it could be upsettig any way. Either theat or it could just be because i am mad.
(Esmee's POV) 14 little years
A while later I managed to get to my feet and move out of the hall way and into the sofas in the front room. Where I flopped down on the nearest sofa. Resting my head on the arm I stared blankly at the TV that had long since turned it’s self onto stand bye. It would have been easy to press the button on the remote to turn it back on again but my lack of energy wouldn’t allow it. It was talking all the strength I had to stop me falling of the edge of my very wobbly foundation into oblivion.
“You did everything you could sweet heart.” Emmet said gently as he picked my feet up from the end of the sofa sat down and placed them back on his lap.
“you don’t know that.” I said quietly not looking away from the spot on the television where a speck of dust had caught and was trying to hold on to the screen. At any other day it would of annoyed me being in my line of sight and I would of got a cloth and wiped it away, today I wanted to get some sticky tape and sick it there. To give it some help. I new what it felt like to know you where going to fall off of or be swept away no matter how hard you tried to hold on, and like the speck of dust excepted its face it fell from the screen.
“I know how you feel about her Esmee. I know what she means to you.”
“She is a patient Em, nothing more.” I whispered even though I new what I was saying was a lie and every word burnt my throat as they clawed up it to be released into the world.
“We can’t save them all. I have done all this before. I will bounce back. It’s just a job.”
“You know that isn’t true. You became a nurse to help the people that went through that unit and you would do it weather you had a pay packet come in at the end of the month or not. You know as well as I do if it was just a job you could work a Tesco earn more money a month and probably get a lot better hours.”
I closed my eyes gently and swallowed hard at the tears that had gathered back in my eyes. I didn’t want to cry any more. The tears hurt.
“How are the kids?” I asked trying to change the subject.
“Mia was a bit grizzly just after you left for work. She was a bit confused that she went to bed while you where here and when she woke up you where gone. I have a confession to make as well. I might of rocked her back to sleep.”
I smiled thinking of my perfect little daughters body snuggled in my amazing husbands arms and the way she sucked on her fingers as she drifted off to sleep and the little grumpy face she pulled while she was doing it. I loved the way that she would become instantly soothed if you put her head close to your chest so she could hear your heart beating and how her hands curled tightly around anything that was close enough for her to grab and the way she wouldn’t let go even when she was fast asleep. I loved her life and her warmth and the glow in her cheeks. I loved the fact that she was mine but hated the fact she was so completely fragile as well.
“She was only 14 years older then her Emmet.” I said my tears cracking in my voice again as my mind wondered back to Mi lying so still, pale and cold on the unit floor. She had once been full of life too.
“Just 14 tiny little years. 16 stupid years of life and we are putting her in the ground.” I gulped before letting the new wave of tears wash over me again. Some things where worth the pain of tears.
(Esmee's POV) 14 little years
A while later I managed to get to my feet and move out of the hall way and into the sofas in the front room. Where I flopped down on the nearest sofa. Resting my head on the arm I stared blankly at the TV that had long since turned it’s self onto stand bye. It would have been easy to press the button on the remote to turn it back on again but my lack of energy wouldn’t allow it. It was talking all the strength I had to stop me falling of the edge of my very wobbly foundation into oblivion.
“You did everything you could sweet heart.” Emmet said gently as he picked my feet up from the end of the sofa sat down and placed them back on his lap.
“you don’t know that.” I said quietly not looking away from the spot on the television where a speck of dust had caught and was trying to hold on to the screen. At any other day it would of annoyed me being in my line of sight and I would of got a cloth and wiped it away, today I wanted to get some sticky tape and sick it there. To give it some help. I new what it felt like to know you where going to fall off of or be swept away no matter how hard you tried to hold on, and like the speck of dust excepted its face it fell from the screen.
“I know how you feel about her Esmee. I know what she means to you.”
“She is a patient Em, nothing more.” I whispered even though I new what I was saying was a lie and every word burnt my throat as they clawed up it to be released into the world.
“We can’t save them all. I have done all this before. I will bounce back. It’s just a job.”
“You know that isn’t true. You became a nurse to help the people that went through that unit and you would do it weather you had a pay packet come in at the end of the month or not. You know as well as I do if it was just a job you could work a Tesco earn more money a month and probably get a lot better hours.”
I closed my eyes gently and swallowed hard at the tears that had gathered back in my eyes. I didn’t want to cry any more. The tears hurt.
“How are the kids?” I asked trying to change the subject.
“Mia was a bit grizzly just after you left for work. She was a bit confused that she went to bed while you where here and when she woke up you where gone. I have a confession to make as well. I might of rocked her back to sleep.”
I smiled thinking of my perfect little daughters body snuggled in my amazing husbands arms and the way she sucked on her fingers as she drifted off to sleep and the little grumpy face she pulled while she was doing it. I loved the way that she would become instantly soothed if you put her head close to your chest so she could hear your heart beating and how her hands curled tightly around anything that was close enough for her to grab and the way she wouldn’t let go even when she was fast asleep. I loved her life and her warmth and the glow in her cheeks. I loved the fact that she was mine but hated the fact she was so completely fragile as well.
“She was only 14 years older then her Emmet.” I said my tears cracking in my voice again as my mind wondered back to Mi lying so still, pale and cold on the unit floor. She had once been full of life too.
“Just 14 tiny little years. 16 stupid years of life and we are putting her in the ground.” I gulped before letting the new wave of tears wash over me again. Some things where worth the pain of tears.
(Esmee's POV) Emmet's Extremes (Mi's side)
weh, A so so chapter i think. I don't supose it is terrabel but it is not a work of genius either. What do you think?
I am alos so about the jumping around between point's of views but this is the only way it will work right now really so please bare with.
(Esmee’s POV) Emmet’s Extremes
“Do I need to take extremes?” Emmet asked gently resting his head on my shoulder before pulling my body back closer to him across the floor. It sounded strange but I liked it at times when he used his extreme size to pull me around. I new him well enough by now that he would only ever use it to protect me or love me never to hurt me.
Smiling slightly at the comfort I got from being close to him I snuggled back in closer to his chest where I could her his heart beat firm and strong another massive comfort considering I had just spent the roll as heart beat for someone else. His beating alone and strong meat that he couldn’t leave me. and for a moment I thought I could sleep there in his arms.
“Ez. Answer me. I will if I have to but I want it to be your choice not mine. You know what you need. Listen to your angel.”
Emmet was obviously on about the conflict that was about to happen in my head where I would have to fight between the devil and the angel within me and that was exactly what I did. the devil immediately decided in a shout that it would be better for me to run away from every one that loved me and “deal” with things in my own way. The angel on the other side was not as loud. She had never been able to scream what was right at me all that loud but after all this time I had learnt to tune out the devil and hear what she had to say. Her advice was usually a lot better and I took it.
“Yes.” I mumbled softly hating the words what I was saying. I new what Emmet’s extreme’s where well and I hated nothing more then him taking them. He also hated putting them in place. They had only ever been used five times before in the whole of are marriage but tonight they where needed again. So from that moment on I had effectively been put on red level observations in my own home. It was a sad night.
I am alos so about the jumping around between point's of views but this is the only way it will work right now really so please bare with.
(Esmee’s POV) Emmet’s Extremes
“Do I need to take extremes?” Emmet asked gently resting his head on my shoulder before pulling my body back closer to him across the floor. It sounded strange but I liked it at times when he used his extreme size to pull me around. I new him well enough by now that he would only ever use it to protect me or love me never to hurt me.
Smiling slightly at the comfort I got from being close to him I snuggled back in closer to his chest where I could her his heart beat firm and strong another massive comfort considering I had just spent the roll as heart beat for someone else. His beating alone and strong meat that he couldn’t leave me. and for a moment I thought I could sleep there in his arms.
“Ez. Answer me. I will if I have to but I want it to be your choice not mine. You know what you need. Listen to your angel.”
Emmet was obviously on about the conflict that was about to happen in my head where I would have to fight between the devil and the angel within me and that was exactly what I did. the devil immediately decided in a shout that it would be better for me to run away from every one that loved me and “deal” with things in my own way. The angel on the other side was not as loud. She had never been able to scream what was right at me all that loud but after all this time I had learnt to tune out the devil and hear what she had to say. Her advice was usually a lot better and I took it.
“Yes.” I mumbled softly hating the words what I was saying. I new what Emmet’s extreme’s where well and I hated nothing more then him taking them. He also hated putting them in place. They had only ever been used five times before in the whole of are marriage but tonight they where needed again. So from that moment on I had effectively been put on red level observations in my own home. It was a sad night.
Story sent!
Hi again people.
I have sent the story to every one i have e-mail for! So check your inbox. I haven't given it a subject sorry i forgot but hay it should be there. If you haven't got it there it means i haven't got your e-mail, So just let me know if you want it.
I have sent the story to every one i have e-mail for! So check your inbox. I haven't given it a subject sorry i forgot but hay it should be there. If you haven't got it there it means i haven't got your e-mail, So just let me know if you want it.
Wednesday, 23 March 2011
Exciting news maybe?
Hi guys! I think i have exciting news! Well i hope you think so. I have been re reading the story and going back over some of the old chapters improving them and making the spelling and grammer better ect ect. Well i am nearly done with part one i think. I have donbe about sixty pages. I was going to email you all with a copy Of it because i think i can recall some of you where wanting the whole story so if i did this maybe you could all just copy and paste it into one document and read it as much as you want. Even print it off if you wanted he he he.
Any way enough babbling (i am slightly over active today.) Couuld you maybe e-mail me if you don't want the back story or PM me via RYL or somthing. Same if you want it but i don't have your e-mail. All of thoes who sent me your e-mail adress asking for the link to be sent to you i still have.
Lastly. I will send them all within the month hopefully. So if you don't a copy and you want one by about begining of may keep pestering me!
love vikki
Any way enough babbling (i am slightly over active today.) Couuld you maybe e-mail me if you don't want the back story or PM me via RYL or somthing. Same if you want it but i don't have your e-mail. All of thoes who sent me your e-mail adress asking for the link to be sent to you i still have.
Lastly. I will send them all within the month hopefully. So if you don't a copy and you want one by about begining of may keep pestering me!
love vikki
Sunday, 20 March 2011
(Mi's POV) You will be OK (Mi's side)
(Mi POV) You will be OK
“Mi Moo! What the hell where you doing playing a stunt like that?”
“Arabella!” I yelled opening my eyes to see where I was. It had worked. any place where she was could only be my heaven and there she was standing perfect like she had been for all her life. Apart from she was better here from the last time I saw her face. There was no blood from her nose or lips. Her chest was not crushed into her steering weal she was just like she should be. Her smile was Arbella’s and she wore the same type of cloths. Today she had gone for a knee length delicate flowered patterned skirt and an off the shoulder flowing white top with pretty little silver pumps on her feet, with her auburn ringlet hair floating in the wind behind her I could see why she was always a princess to me.
“A-bell. I missed you.” I said the tears streaming down both of my cheeks as I tried to move my body closer to hers but it wouldn’t budge an inch.
“What the hell did you do that for? You got to go back.” Arabella frowned her face stubborn as she put one of her hands on her hips. She was asking me to leave her. She was saying she didn’t want me? The only person in the entire world I could believe in was turning away from me like every one else had.
“Why? I want to stay with you.” I said my body aching with the abandonment that I felt. I new we where meant to stay here forever with each other. I had killed my self to be with her again. “Don’t you love me anymore A-bell.”
“Don’t be stupid Mi. Of course I love you, but you have to go back. I’m not ready for you to be here yet. There is so much more that you where meant to do and you will hurt to many people. What about your mum and dad? How do you think they will feel?” Arabella asked sternly still not moving any closer to me and even though I pushed hard I could not move any closer to her like somehow there was a glass wall between us and I was banging to get in.
“You want me to care about mum? I shouted unable to contain my self any more. “Why would I care about mum and why would she feel any pain for my death any way. She beat me every day and then throw me out like I was garbage and I don’t have a clue who my farther is unless you mean Joe and you must of lost your mind if you think I was ever more to him then just a toy to play with and make money form.
“Mi moo. Who do you think I am!” Arabella shouted turning away to dive into the pram that was sat beside of her. I had taken no notice of it until now but noise was now coming from it. A soft crying from a small child.
“Of course I don’t meant them!” Arabella shouted again coming back up from the pram with a chubby little baby in her arms with black soft messy hair and a podgy little discontented face as she kicked her legs that where encased inside a lemon baby grow.
“I mean your real mum and dad Mi-moo. Not your biological ones but the ones that care about you the most. The ones that think of you as there daughter. It is them that you’re hurting.”
“I don’t have any other parents. No one cares about me Arabella I am like a stray dog.”
“That isn’t true. You can’t see it properly yet but you know somewhere in there that you know what I am saying is true. You know there are two people that fight for you daily and love you with all there harts and you love them to. They are the parents that matter.”
“I don’t know what your on about I want to stay here with you.” I shouted desperately pressing my self as hard as I could onto the barrier between us hoping that it would somehow give way under me. She couldn’t mean who I thought she meant. How could she know about them anyway and why the hell would they think of me as there daughter any way.
“I mean look you have had a baby. I could help she is gorgeous A-bell, I mean when did that happen? What did you call her?” I asked trying to get a better view of the bundled in her arms
“He isn’t mine Mi.” Arabella sighed as she looked down at the baby in her arms that was now .
staring at his hands like they where the most interesting things in the world “I am looking after him for a bit until his Mummy is ready to come and look after him her self but she isn’t yet.” Arabella said firmly looking up at me with her deep brown eyes. “She has to leave now. She has to fight and she has to leave.”
“No!” I screamed realising who the baby was in my sisters arms “No Arabella! I won’t leave him again! I just won’t now you let me through or what ever it is you have to do and give me Oscar I am here now and I can look after him! I am his fucking mother damn it! Give me my baby!” I shrieked slamming my body against the invisible wall in front of me until my whole body showed the bruises of my effort.
“A bell you can’t take him from me! He is mine!” I scream falling to my knees in front of her defeated. I wanted her I wanted Oscar and I was so close to lose them both.
“Mi-moo, Mi.” I have not taken him off of you I’m just looking after him for you.” Arabella said the tears cracking in her voice as well now making me look up at her but she was now bent down as well and a lot closer to me making her tears noticeable and she had been crying for a very long time.
“If I could let you stay Mi I would. I have missed you so much and I know you love your little boy Mi that is why he is with me because you wouldn’t want any one else to have him if you couldn’t, but if I could give him back to you now I would, but I just can’t.” Arabella wept pressing her hand up to the invisible wall on her side that she obviously couldn’t get though either.
“I can’t say your life will be easy but I can promise you it will be worth it Mi. that is why toy have to fight” A-bell said gently prising her self like me as far as she could against the invisible wall.
“You have to go now Mi.”
“I don’t want to.” I wept, broken on the floor but I could all ready feel something trying to pull me away from where I was.
“You will be ok sweat heart. You will be OK.”
“Mi Moo! What the hell where you doing playing a stunt like that?”
“Arabella!” I yelled opening my eyes to see where I was. It had worked. any place where she was could only be my heaven and there she was standing perfect like she had been for all her life. Apart from she was better here from the last time I saw her face. There was no blood from her nose or lips. Her chest was not crushed into her steering weal she was just like she should be. Her smile was Arbella’s and she wore the same type of cloths. Today she had gone for a knee length delicate flowered patterned skirt and an off the shoulder flowing white top with pretty little silver pumps on her feet, with her auburn ringlet hair floating in the wind behind her I could see why she was always a princess to me.
“A-bell. I missed you.” I said the tears streaming down both of my cheeks as I tried to move my body closer to hers but it wouldn’t budge an inch.
“What the hell did you do that for? You got to go back.” Arabella frowned her face stubborn as she put one of her hands on her hips. She was asking me to leave her. She was saying she didn’t want me? The only person in the entire world I could believe in was turning away from me like every one else had.
“Why? I want to stay with you.” I said my body aching with the abandonment that I felt. I new we where meant to stay here forever with each other. I had killed my self to be with her again. “Don’t you love me anymore A-bell.”
“Don’t be stupid Mi. Of course I love you, but you have to go back. I’m not ready for you to be here yet. There is so much more that you where meant to do and you will hurt to many people. What about your mum and dad? How do you think they will feel?” Arabella asked sternly still not moving any closer to me and even though I pushed hard I could not move any closer to her like somehow there was a glass wall between us and I was banging to get in.
“You want me to care about mum? I shouted unable to contain my self any more. “Why would I care about mum and why would she feel any pain for my death any way. She beat me every day and then throw me out like I was garbage and I don’t have a clue who my farther is unless you mean Joe and you must of lost your mind if you think I was ever more to him then just a toy to play with and make money form.
“Mi moo. Who do you think I am!” Arabella shouted turning away to dive into the pram that was sat beside of her. I had taken no notice of it until now but noise was now coming from it. A soft crying from a small child.
“Of course I don’t meant them!” Arabella shouted again coming back up from the pram with a chubby little baby in her arms with black soft messy hair and a podgy little discontented face as she kicked her legs that where encased inside a lemon baby grow.
“I mean your real mum and dad Mi-moo. Not your biological ones but the ones that care about you the most. The ones that think of you as there daughter. It is them that you’re hurting.”
“I don’t have any other parents. No one cares about me Arabella I am like a stray dog.”
“That isn’t true. You can’t see it properly yet but you know somewhere in there that you know what I am saying is true. You know there are two people that fight for you daily and love you with all there harts and you love them to. They are the parents that matter.”
“I don’t know what your on about I want to stay here with you.” I shouted desperately pressing my self as hard as I could onto the barrier between us hoping that it would somehow give way under me. She couldn’t mean who I thought she meant. How could she know about them anyway and why the hell would they think of me as there daughter any way.
“I mean look you have had a baby. I could help she is gorgeous A-bell, I mean when did that happen? What did you call her?” I asked trying to get a better view of the bundled in her arms
“He isn’t mine Mi.” Arabella sighed as she looked down at the baby in her arms that was now .
staring at his hands like they where the most interesting things in the world “I am looking after him for a bit until his Mummy is ready to come and look after him her self but she isn’t yet.” Arabella said firmly looking up at me with her deep brown eyes. “She has to leave now. She has to fight and she has to leave.”
“No!” I screamed realising who the baby was in my sisters arms “No Arabella! I won’t leave him again! I just won’t now you let me through or what ever it is you have to do and give me Oscar I am here now and I can look after him! I am his fucking mother damn it! Give me my baby!” I shrieked slamming my body against the invisible wall in front of me until my whole body showed the bruises of my effort.
“A bell you can’t take him from me! He is mine!” I scream falling to my knees in front of her defeated. I wanted her I wanted Oscar and I was so close to lose them both.
“Mi-moo, Mi.” I have not taken him off of you I’m just looking after him for you.” Arabella said the tears cracking in her voice as well now making me look up at her but she was now bent down as well and a lot closer to me making her tears noticeable and she had been crying for a very long time.
“If I could let you stay Mi I would. I have missed you so much and I know you love your little boy Mi that is why he is with me because you wouldn’t want any one else to have him if you couldn’t, but if I could give him back to you now I would, but I just can’t.” Arabella wept pressing her hand up to the invisible wall on her side that she obviously couldn’t get though either.
“I can’t say your life will be easy but I can promise you it will be worth it Mi. that is why toy have to fight” A-bell said gently prising her self like me as far as she could against the invisible wall.
“You have to go now Mi.”
“I don’t want to.” I wept, broken on the floor but I could all ready feel something trying to pull me away from where I was.
“You will be ok sweat heart. You will be OK.”
(Esmee) Keep me safe
Keep me safe.
“Emmet.” I said gently after the rest of my tears dried up. It was more a case of there being none left to cry rather then better feelings my mood was dark and my thoughts where dangerous.
I normally coped well with what ever the unit could throw at me. Some shifts where hard but with a bit of centring and distraction at the end of it all nothing could really throw me to far out. There was a time when seeing cuts would of triggered something within me now bleeding cuts even self inflicted ones where wounds that needed healing. I no longer envied the immediate release that was given from cutting by felt deeply sorry for the after pain they would feel. The regret the confusion, the frustration and the anger that would undoubtedly set in and make you feel ten times worse then before you actually cut. In a dramatic way cutting was like selling your soul to the devil.
Yes. I did normally cope well with the unit but tonight was different Every coping mechanism slipped when I saw her cold whit body against the ground when I created the black and red bruises against her chest, when with my bare hands I did as much damage to her and probably farm more then what her abusive mother had ever done. I had beaten the broken and abused the abused.
“Emmet.” I whispered again even more quietly half of me hoping he wouldn’t hear me. I new I would not have the courage to utter whisper his name again I could only fight my inside for so long.
“What can I do to help you Sweetheart?” Emmet asked gently he warm breath close to my throat as he nestled his face close into my shoulder and kissed the surrounding are with his perfect silky lips.
“Can you, can you keep an eye on me tonight. I mean I am fine and it is probably nothing of course, and I know am making a big thing of all of this when it isn’t and I of course shouldn’t feel sorry for my self but I don’t know I am shaken a bit even though I shouldn’t be and I know you worked hard this morning and then the rest of the day with the kids.” I said in a nervous babbly that sounded nothing like what I had planed in my head. The words there where calm and ordered and made sense but as soon as the passed my lips they turned into a speech the Clangers would be proud of so defeated I sighed and sunk my body away from Emmet’s onto the floor.
“Esmee are you safe?” Emmet asked gently leaning forward and turning my face so I had to look at his.
“Right now. No I don’t think I am.”
“Emmet.” I said gently after the rest of my tears dried up. It was more a case of there being none left to cry rather then better feelings my mood was dark and my thoughts where dangerous.
I normally coped well with what ever the unit could throw at me. Some shifts where hard but with a bit of centring and distraction at the end of it all nothing could really throw me to far out. There was a time when seeing cuts would of triggered something within me now bleeding cuts even self inflicted ones where wounds that needed healing. I no longer envied the immediate release that was given from cutting by felt deeply sorry for the after pain they would feel. The regret the confusion, the frustration and the anger that would undoubtedly set in and make you feel ten times worse then before you actually cut. In a dramatic way cutting was like selling your soul to the devil.
Yes. I did normally cope well with the unit but tonight was different Every coping mechanism slipped when I saw her cold whit body against the ground when I created the black and red bruises against her chest, when with my bare hands I did as much damage to her and probably farm more then what her abusive mother had ever done. I had beaten the broken and abused the abused.
“Emmet.” I whispered again even more quietly half of me hoping he wouldn’t hear me. I new I would not have the courage to utter whisper his name again I could only fight my inside for so long.
“What can I do to help you Sweetheart?” Emmet asked gently he warm breath close to my throat as he nestled his face close into my shoulder and kissed the surrounding are with his perfect silky lips.
“Can you, can you keep an eye on me tonight. I mean I am fine and it is probably nothing of course, and I know am making a big thing of all of this when it isn’t and I of course shouldn’t feel sorry for my self but I don’t know I am shaken a bit even though I shouldn’t be and I know you worked hard this morning and then the rest of the day with the kids.” I said in a nervous babbly that sounded nothing like what I had planed in my head. The words there where calm and ordered and made sense but as soon as the passed my lips they turned into a speech the Clangers would be proud of so defeated I sighed and sunk my body away from Emmet’s onto the floor.
“Esmee are you safe?” Emmet asked gently leaning forward and turning my face so I had to look at his.
“Right now. No I don’t think I am.”
Saturday, 19 March 2011
(Esmee) this to shall pass (Mi's side)
So yeah this is a chapter that i am really not that sure about. Opinuions would be great as i can delet this and come up with somthing better. So yeah please leave comments or e-mail me or somthing if you can
This to shall pass
I stopped sobbing eventually but It took a while. And even after the sobbing stopped the tears still continued dripping from my sore swollen eyes. Emmet cried too My pain hurt him, my tears made him cry as well and the hours he just spent with me wailing like a little girl into his chest must have been his own kind of personal hell. Saying all of this though Emmet didn’t mind tears. In fact he openly encouraged them he new that a person living a life with out tears was not the happy one that people most expected but normally the saddest, the most lonely and ones with dark secrets. Cutting, drug abuse, Alcoholism, eating disorders and more. The crying almost never walk to the side off a cliff and jump, the ones complete with tears normally hover enough to be talked down. The smiling happy ones that act contented are the ones that normally draw no attention as they stride to the cliff side and with out any time to look back walk off of the edge into oblivion. In their eyes the end of thee life was nothing to cry about it was just the end of the pain. So even though the sound of me being upset hurt Emmet he didn’t mind the tears. He new that it was just a moment and it would pass.
This to shall pass
I stopped sobbing eventually but It took a while. And even after the sobbing stopped the tears still continued dripping from my sore swollen eyes. Emmet cried too My pain hurt him, my tears made him cry as well and the hours he just spent with me wailing like a little girl into his chest must have been his own kind of personal hell. Saying all of this though Emmet didn’t mind tears. In fact he openly encouraged them he new that a person living a life with out tears was not the happy one that people most expected but normally the saddest, the most lonely and ones with dark secrets. Cutting, drug abuse, Alcoholism, eating disorders and more. The crying almost never walk to the side off a cliff and jump, the ones complete with tears normally hover enough to be talked down. The smiling happy ones that act contented are the ones that normally draw no attention as they stride to the cliff side and with out any time to look back walk off of the edge into oblivion. In their eyes the end of thee life was nothing to cry about it was just the end of the pain. So even though the sound of me being upset hurt Emmet he didn’t mind the tears. He new that it was just a moment and it would pass.
Friday, 18 March 2011
(Esmee) Kike gravity (Mi's side)
Like gravity
Emmet’s arms went slack around me causing me to fall away from him ever so slightly it was enough though. Enough though for me to almost scream at him to hold me again. Instead I yelped like a wounded puppy while trying to hold my self to him as close as I could.
“Is…Is she OK?” Emmet stuttered
“Emmet don’t hate me! Please don’t hate me! I did all I could all I was told to do. Emmet please.” I begged fearing his rejection would tare me into pieces. He loved Mi. He loved her even more then I did. He spent hours behind closed doors in meetings fighting for her trying to tell them what was right for her trying to convince them that are home would be a good place to keep her safe rather then the planed move to a long stay secure unit miles away from everything she new. Would he still love me if he new what I done to her.
“I don not hate you my love. I could never hate you. Nothing you could ever do or ever say will change how I feel about you. My love for you I can not describe. It is just given, like gravity. Emmet said pulling my body back up close to his and holding me to him tightly yet gently. Like the first time a mother holds her new baby.
“I hate me Emmet!” I yelled admitting the worse feeling that settled in the swirling mess of emotions in my chest I hated my self more then anything right then. Weather it was logical or not I felt like I had killed her that I could of and should of tried so much harder then that feeling led to a worse feeling one that my soul had not felt in a long long time. I had to contemplate my position in the world around me would it be better if I wasn’t here either?
“my love for you Is given:
Oh do give yours to me
We’ll lock them up together,
And throw away the key”
Frederick Saunders
“Is…Is she OK?” Emmet stuttered
“Emmet don’t hate me! Please don’t hate me! I did all I could all I was told to do. Emmet please.” I begged fearing his rejection would tare me into pieces. He loved Mi. He loved her even more then I did. He spent hours behind closed doors in meetings fighting for her trying to tell them what was right for her trying to convince them that are home would be a good place to keep her safe rather then the planed move to a long stay secure unit miles away from everything she new. Would he still love me if he new what I done to her.
“I don not hate you my love. I could never hate you. Nothing you could ever do or ever say will change how I feel about you. My love for you I can not describe. It is just given, like gravity. Emmet said pulling my body back up close to his and holding me to him tightly yet gently. Like the first time a mother holds her new baby.
“I hate me Emmet!” I yelled admitting the worse feeling that settled in the swirling mess of emotions in my chest I hated my self more then anything right then. Weather it was logical or not I felt like I had killed her that I could of and should of tried so much harder then that feeling led to a worse feeling one that my soul had not felt in a long long time. I had to contemplate my position in the world around me would it be better if I wasn’t here either?
Wednesday, 16 March 2011
(Esmee) I killed her (Mi's sdie)
I killed her
When the taxi reached home I thanked him gave him the ten pound note told him to keep the change and stumbled out the back onto the street. My house was mere steps away from my now. I could see the lights in the downstairs window behind the curtain of the TV where Emmet would still be awake watching any crap that was on while coming up with a cunning plan to murder the more that was back at the unit so we could get a better one.
I wanted to run to the house and jam my key in the front door where I could fall o the floor just inside the front door and scream but my legs would not make the journey any quicker then slowly as all my effort was concentrated on just making them move one in front of the other. So I didn’t fall to the ground where I was.
The walk felt like it took hours where in reality it must have been less then a minute and with my last ounce of effort I turned my key in the door and stumbled inside tripping on the door step where I landed on my front and the tears burst out of there prison where I had tried to keep them locked up where they couldn’t hurt any one but me.
“Esmee! Ez! Esmee what the hell happened!” Emmet shouted flying around the corner of the living room and into the entrance hall where I was lied in a mixed up pile of arms and legs.
“Baby. My sweet heart. What the hell has happened?” Emmet asked frantic pulling my whole body up into his arms. His presence was what I had longed for since I found her. His arms locked around mine and I held on tightly squeezing my whole body as tight and as close as I could to his chest.
“Esmee has someone hurt you? Attacked you because I swear to got I will rip there fucking head off.” Emmet yelled wrapping his arms around me tighter burrowing his head into my hair as he started to rock me.
“I’m fine!” I wailed even though I new it was a stupid thing to say. I wanted to reassure him but every time I opened my mouth to talk all that would come out was the screaming.
“I just. Just sad!” I managed to yell between my discordant sobs. “I, I missed you. I had to come home. I, I had to come home.” I sobbed hard clutching hard onto Emmet s arm with my hand. He was something to hold onto. Something strong and steady in the human hurricane.
“If anything happened to you! If you ever left me!” I stuttered trying hard to catch my breath.
“Shhhh, Shhhh. I’m right here honey I am not going any where. I am right here next to you and I will stay here forever if you need me too. Where would I go with out you my baby. What would I become with out you.”
“Emmet I think she’s dead.” I wept burying my face deeper into his shoulder where my tears made his light gray shirt black.
“Esmee, what’s happened, tell me!” Emmet said firmly shaking my slightly as if to try and tip the answers out of my lips.
“It’s Mi. She drowned her self in the bath and I found her but I was to late. To stop her. I think I killed her Emmet.”
When the taxi reached home I thanked him gave him the ten pound note told him to keep the change and stumbled out the back onto the street. My house was mere steps away from my now. I could see the lights in the downstairs window behind the curtain of the TV where Emmet would still be awake watching any crap that was on while coming up with a cunning plan to murder the more that was back at the unit so we could get a better one.
I wanted to run to the house and jam my key in the front door where I could fall o the floor just inside the front door and scream but my legs would not make the journey any quicker then slowly as all my effort was concentrated on just making them move one in front of the other. So I didn’t fall to the ground where I was.
The walk felt like it took hours where in reality it must have been less then a minute and with my last ounce of effort I turned my key in the door and stumbled inside tripping on the door step where I landed on my front and the tears burst out of there prison where I had tried to keep them locked up where they couldn’t hurt any one but me.
“Esmee! Ez! Esmee what the hell happened!” Emmet shouted flying around the corner of the living room and into the entrance hall where I was lied in a mixed up pile of arms and legs.
“Baby. My sweet heart. What the hell has happened?” Emmet asked frantic pulling my whole body up into his arms. His presence was what I had longed for since I found her. His arms locked around mine and I held on tightly squeezing my whole body as tight and as close as I could to his chest.
“Esmee has someone hurt you? Attacked you because I swear to got I will rip there fucking head off.” Emmet yelled wrapping his arms around me tighter burrowing his head into my hair as he started to rock me.
“I’m fine!” I wailed even though I new it was a stupid thing to say. I wanted to reassure him but every time I opened my mouth to talk all that would come out was the screaming.
“I just. Just sad!” I managed to yell between my discordant sobs. “I, I missed you. I had to come home. I, I had to come home.” I sobbed hard clutching hard onto Emmet s arm with my hand. He was something to hold onto. Something strong and steady in the human hurricane.
“If anything happened to you! If you ever left me!” I stuttered trying hard to catch my breath.
“Shhhh, Shhhh. I’m right here honey I am not going any where. I am right here next to you and I will stay here forever if you need me too. Where would I go with out you my baby. What would I become with out you.”
“Emmet I think she’s dead.” I wept burying my face deeper into his shoulder where my tears made his light gray shirt black.
“Esmee, what’s happened, tell me!” Emmet said firmly shaking my slightly as if to try and tip the answers out of my lips.
“It’s Mi. She drowned her self in the bath and I found her but I was to late. To stop her. I think I killed her Emmet.”
Tuesday, 15 March 2011
(Esmee( No more tomorrows (Mi's side)
No more tomorrows
“Come on my love lets get you sorted out the in to a taxi home.” Jean said walking into the bathroom behind me seeing my body sprawled in an undignified position across the floor my head still lowered half way down the toilet while heaving occasionally from my body’s effort to get rid of the thing that was wrong.
“I will be fine soon.” I said meekly hardly believing it my self as another wave of intense nausea had my stomach trying to push upwards out of my mouth and even though I tried to control it my throat reacted by retching loudly while my head worked out the possibility of my sliding down the plug hole in my humiliation.
“You just had to do the hardest thing that any of us will ever have to do Esmee. I think a little freaking out should be aloud.” Jean said softly as she pulled the lose bits of hair that had escaped the elastic band back over my shoulders while with the other had drew patterns on the small of my back wither her finger tip and I had to squeeze away the tears that gathered in both my eyes.
“I just want to go home.” I said stiffly my voice jagged and short from my effort to keep my self together. “I just want to go home.” I moaned again getting to my feet and pressing the flush on the wall.
“Jean can you call me a taxi please.” I asked before splashing some water over my face and rinsing out my mouth to try and get the taste away but landed up only making it worse.
“Or do you want me to call Emmet see if he can come. Looks like you could do with him to hold you up in more ways then one at the moment.” Jean smiled sadly looking at my face.
“No Mia and Bobby will be in bed and It will take him forever to get them ready to get here not to mention if you tell him I was sick he will drive like a mad man and probably land up wrapping him self around a tree or something.” I said grimacing imagining the seen in my head. It seamed all to close to home right now and I wished I never mentioned it.
“Ok my love just get your self ready and I will get you a taxi and don’t threat. Whatever happens tomorrow is another day. Tomorrow we can try again.”
I also used to think that was true. I relied on tomorrows so much to try again the I spent most of my time thinking of them and it normally worked eventually a failure would turn into success even if it took a whole month of tomorrows but the words meant nothing now. Mi probably didn’t have tomorrow. For all I new she didn’t even have right now.
“Come on my love lets get you sorted out the in to a taxi home.” Jean said walking into the bathroom behind me seeing my body sprawled in an undignified position across the floor my head still lowered half way down the toilet while heaving occasionally from my body’s effort to get rid of the thing that was wrong.
“I will be fine soon.” I said meekly hardly believing it my self as another wave of intense nausea had my stomach trying to push upwards out of my mouth and even though I tried to control it my throat reacted by retching loudly while my head worked out the possibility of my sliding down the plug hole in my humiliation.
“You just had to do the hardest thing that any of us will ever have to do Esmee. I think a little freaking out should be aloud.” Jean said softly as she pulled the lose bits of hair that had escaped the elastic band back over my shoulders while with the other had drew patterns on the small of my back wither her finger tip and I had to squeeze away the tears that gathered in both my eyes.
“I just want to go home.” I said stiffly my voice jagged and short from my effort to keep my self together. “I just want to go home.” I moaned again getting to my feet and pressing the flush on the wall.
“Jean can you call me a taxi please.” I asked before splashing some water over my face and rinsing out my mouth to try and get the taste away but landed up only making it worse.
“Or do you want me to call Emmet see if he can come. Looks like you could do with him to hold you up in more ways then one at the moment.” Jean smiled sadly looking at my face.
“No Mia and Bobby will be in bed and It will take him forever to get them ready to get here not to mention if you tell him I was sick he will drive like a mad man and probably land up wrapping him self around a tree or something.” I said grimacing imagining the seen in my head. It seamed all to close to home right now and I wished I never mentioned it.
“Ok my love just get your self ready and I will get you a taxi and don’t threat. Whatever happens tomorrow is another day. Tomorrow we can try again.”
I also used to think that was true. I relied on tomorrows so much to try again the I spent most of my time thinking of them and it normally worked eventually a failure would turn into success even if it took a whole month of tomorrows but the words meant nothing now. Mi probably didn’t have tomorrow. For all I new she didn’t even have right now.
Monday, 14 March 2011
(Esmee) Made of stone (Mi's side)
Made of stone
The temptation was to make my self sick again. It was wrong I new that. I didn’t know what I would have thought if I walked into a cubical anywhere else and saw a 27 year old senior staff nurse with her fingers lodged down the back of her throat bent on all fours over a toilet. I would like ton think I would understand if she had just done CPR on her potential foster Daughter I would like to think I would understand in any situation but the truth is I probably would just think them unprofessional. So with shaking hands I pulled my self up to standing and pressed the flush on the wall watching as everything swirled away to be forgotten with. This was my pain and my hatred for my self expelled in the only way I could think of and with the press of a button I could wash it away for enough time to get home. It was there I would permit my self to fall apart completely.
“Esmee my love are you in here? I just wanted to tell you me have lots of people on the way and you can head off if you want.” I heard Jean say letting her self into the office.
“Esmee love They are going to try the best for her. She has been blued to the hospital now. The heart monitor showed that her heart was trying to beat for it’s self again but just not quite there but it is a good sign. You know Esmee you might of just saved her life.” Jean said comfortingly her voice full of a congratulations that I did not deserve.
Suddenly the nausea that refused to rise earlier on slammed into the back of my throat and I dropped to my knees in front of the toilet again Arching my back painfully against the heaving while gripping both hands onto the side of the toilet for support as the world around my head started to spin. While in my head I got irate with my self. I should have been able to control this not sarcoma to it.
“Esmee honey. I am going to let my self in OK. Just shout if this isn’t OK.”
I tried to yell my head off at the door behind me but all I could manage was to dry heave into the bowel in front of me. No other member of staff other then Emmet ever got to see me this venerable. I was composed all of the time and even when I wasn’t I had some dignity about it. If tears where to be shed they where always silent and caught into a tissue and those times of emotion where rare. Nurses should be made of stone when it comes to there own personal feelings. If they weren’t things didn’t go right, like Green observation patients going with out checks so they could drown them self’s in the bath.
The temptation was to make my self sick again. It was wrong I new that. I didn’t know what I would have thought if I walked into a cubical anywhere else and saw a 27 year old senior staff nurse with her fingers lodged down the back of her throat bent on all fours over a toilet. I would like ton think I would understand if she had just done CPR on her potential foster Daughter I would like to think I would understand in any situation but the truth is I probably would just think them unprofessional. So with shaking hands I pulled my self up to standing and pressed the flush on the wall watching as everything swirled away to be forgotten with. This was my pain and my hatred for my self expelled in the only way I could think of and with the press of a button I could wash it away for enough time to get home. It was there I would permit my self to fall apart completely.
“Esmee my love are you in here? I just wanted to tell you me have lots of people on the way and you can head off if you want.” I heard Jean say letting her self into the office.
“Esmee love They are going to try the best for her. She has been blued to the hospital now. The heart monitor showed that her heart was trying to beat for it’s self again but just not quite there but it is a good sign. You know Esmee you might of just saved her life.” Jean said comfortingly her voice full of a congratulations that I did not deserve.
Suddenly the nausea that refused to rise earlier on slammed into the back of my throat and I dropped to my knees in front of the toilet again Arching my back painfully against the heaving while gripping both hands onto the side of the toilet for support as the world around my head started to spin. While in my head I got irate with my self. I should have been able to control this not sarcoma to it.
“Esmee honey. I am going to let my self in OK. Just shout if this isn’t OK.”
I tried to yell my head off at the door behind me but all I could manage was to dry heave into the bowel in front of me. No other member of staff other then Emmet ever got to see me this venerable. I was composed all of the time and even when I wasn’t I had some dignity about it. If tears where to be shed they where always silent and caught into a tissue and those times of emotion where rare. Nurses should be made of stone when it comes to there own personal feelings. If they weren’t things didn’t go right, like Green observation patients going with out checks so they could drown them self’s in the bath.
Sunday, 13 March 2011
(Esmee) The elastic band (Mi's side
OK this chapter is really dark and it shows a very fragile Esmee. For that reasion i would imagine it could be quite triggering in gemral as Esmee is normal quite strong. Also i would think there is a trigger for Eating disorders in here. So as always guyes stay safe, enjoy and let me know what you think.
P.s Mi's POV will be coming back soon. I know you all miss her but i really enjoy exploring the other characters emotions so i am going to paly a bit more. Ha ha ha.
The elastic band
In the office a chair had been knocked over when Jean had reacted to my RRA. She had not stopped to pick it up. It was a common joke around the walls of the staff office that if Esmee used her RRA there was big trouble and tonight there was we had almost lost one.
With shaking hands I gently tipped the chair the right way round and tucked it back in under the desk. After that I walked on past and into the staff toilet and shower that was at the end of the room.
The bathroom was green like the one upstairs and it was the only place that remained cold in the unit no matter what the weather was out side. Not really thinking of what I was doing I knelt gently on the floor next to the toilet and smoothed my fingers over the plastic of the seat before lifting it up placing my fingers gently against the white bowel underneath and sighing closing my eyes gently waiting for the nausea that churned in my stomach to crawl angrily up my throat but I didn’t it just stayed there eating a whole inside of me making my world spin so much I couldn’t stand it. So I would do what I had to do to make it go away.
I always kept and elastic band around my wrist. A discreet tool to help me when I needed it. One elastic band could help so much at any moment I could give my self a short snap with it across the back of my wrist when people where not looking and make my urges disappear. I a self harmer. There was a time not so long ago when I would of said recovered but I found that word made to much pressure, I had to stick with recovering. From the first cut I made I sighed on the line to never feel the same again. All I could really do was fight it and beat it when ever I had too and when I failed tell my self that tomorrow was the start of a new dawn. The tomorrow I could and would make it OK.
The elastic band could be given out to the harmers around the unit when they needed it. When something had to distract them quick I could peal the thing off of my wrist and put it on theirs supervising them as they flicked the rubber against there wrists. Sometimes it worked and sometimes it didn’t but the times when it did where magical.
Finally the elastic band had one more use to me. I never by choice wore my hair up but sometimes my hair got in the way and in these situations it could also be used as a hair band.
Taking the elastic band from around my wrist I tied my hair up behind my head and then gripped the side of the toilet bowel hard with my left hand watching as the knuckles went white. There was nothing right about what I was about to do I new this and it shouted at me form every direction. The first time I did this it changed my entire life forever and the last time it changed it all again for the better, but I couldn’t help it. I just felt too sick. So with out any more time to think I closed my eyes tightly closed took my right hand and shoved my middle and index as far back down my throat as possible until the nausea left my stomach and splattered violently into the toilet bowel making me feel better inside. Making the night mare that had just unfolded a distant dream. Making me as empty as I felt.
P.s Mi's POV will be coming back soon. I know you all miss her but i really enjoy exploring the other characters emotions so i am going to paly a bit more. Ha ha ha.
The elastic band
In the office a chair had been knocked over when Jean had reacted to my RRA. She had not stopped to pick it up. It was a common joke around the walls of the staff office that if Esmee used her RRA there was big trouble and tonight there was we had almost lost one.
With shaking hands I gently tipped the chair the right way round and tucked it back in under the desk. After that I walked on past and into the staff toilet and shower that was at the end of the room.
The bathroom was green like the one upstairs and it was the only place that remained cold in the unit no matter what the weather was out side. Not really thinking of what I was doing I knelt gently on the floor next to the toilet and smoothed my fingers over the plastic of the seat before lifting it up placing my fingers gently against the white bowel underneath and sighing closing my eyes gently waiting for the nausea that churned in my stomach to crawl angrily up my throat but I didn’t it just stayed there eating a whole inside of me making my world spin so much I couldn’t stand it. So I would do what I had to do to make it go away.
I always kept and elastic band around my wrist. A discreet tool to help me when I needed it. One elastic band could help so much at any moment I could give my self a short snap with it across the back of my wrist when people where not looking and make my urges disappear. I a self harmer. There was a time not so long ago when I would of said recovered but I found that word made to much pressure, I had to stick with recovering. From the first cut I made I sighed on the line to never feel the same again. All I could really do was fight it and beat it when ever I had too and when I failed tell my self that tomorrow was the start of a new dawn. The tomorrow I could and would make it OK.
The elastic band could be given out to the harmers around the unit when they needed it. When something had to distract them quick I could peal the thing off of my wrist and put it on theirs supervising them as they flicked the rubber against there wrists. Sometimes it worked and sometimes it didn’t but the times when it did where magical.
Finally the elastic band had one more use to me. I never by choice wore my hair up but sometimes my hair got in the way and in these situations it could also be used as a hair band.
Taking the elastic band from around my wrist I tied my hair up behind my head and then gripped the side of the toilet bowel hard with my left hand watching as the knuckles went white. There was nothing right about what I was about to do I new this and it shouted at me form every direction. The first time I did this it changed my entire life forever and the last time it changed it all again for the better, but I couldn’t help it. I just felt too sick. So with out any more time to think I closed my eyes tightly closed took my right hand and shoved my middle and index as far back down my throat as possible until the nausea left my stomach and splattered violently into the toilet bowel making me feel better inside. Making the night mare that had just unfolded a distant dream. Making me as empty as I felt.
(Esmee) I want to change the world instead i close the blinds (Mi's side)
I really hope that this is OK. I found this one of the hardest chapters ever to write so it might be a little rusty in places. It could also be considered triggering i think so be warend.
I want to change the world instead I close the blinds.
It broke every rule in the book but I had to let Summer stay. For a start there was no one to drag her away as I was still the one giving mouth to mouth while Jean did chest compression but B because Mi needed a friend. Was It right to make another Client have to hold the bleeding wounds of another patients arms. No but recant budget cuts decided that the number of staff needed on a high dependency children’s Unit at night was four instead of then usual six and only two of them had to be qualified nurses the result being Summer was actually now needed to aid Mi’s physical injuries for all me and jean had been doing to then was pump the blood around Mi’s body so it could piss out all over the floor.
“OK Summer you can stay but if it gets to much you must leave OK. There is no pressure for you to do anything in this situation OK.”
“Am, am I doing it right?” Summer stuttered glancing up the arm she held in the air “I want to do it right.”
“That’s perfect Summer you are doing really, really well.” I said gently trying to reassure her the best I could even though tears kept streaming down over my face her bottom lip quivering uncontrollably and her breathing fluttering in short burst from her lips.
“It’s OK Summer, it’s OK my honey.” I tried to sooth between giving vital resuscitation to Mi.”
“The RRA and ambulance are here!” Zak shouted making the crowd at the door part to let two very large men in the paramedic uniform enter the and one tiny looking female doctor. Who set about scurrying around Mi’s body faster then I had ever seen a doctor move before.
“It’s time to scoop and run,” The doctors announced to the paramedics after completing the checks she wanted to. “She is very very sick and her best chance is in a hospital. She announced to the two paramedics who sprang into action.“You kept her alive, well done.” The doctor said again looking at me as i got unsteadaly to my feet hoping beyond hope that i could just get to the office before i either passed out of vomited.
“We will Take it from here.” the doctor said. With a nod I went to the door where Zak was standing and waiting for more instructions he was coping a lot better then I was.
“Call people up see if they can come in and phone the agency as well. Call Dr Jordan at home as well and tell them the hospital is in a code red” I said to Zak as I past him on the way up the corridor trying to herd the other clients back into the lounge. Some like Summer where red eyed end crying others just stunned and not talking. For me things just moved in slow motion like a corny seen out of a medical drama when something like this happened.
“When you Can get another to cover I am going home Sick until then I will be in the office and only be available if I am really needed. I am not safe to around clients at the moment.” I said in a monotone voice. I new there was only so much time I could hold my self together now let alone any of the other clients that where going to need serious support through the rest of the night. Things like this didn’t happen much and when they did it knocked onto every one. I wanted to stay there and help but right there and then I was struggling to stay on my feet at all.
“ whenever it is possible I want every one who was below elevated to five minute checks. All usual harmers are to be put on suicide watch as well. Any one who is taking it very badly is to go straight to red observations at arms length.”
“Lauren you did really well but can you move Summer to the ECA for the moment.” I added calling sown the corridor to Lauren who nodded.
“I am sorry Zak but I have to get out of this.” I said again leaving Zak behind and walking slowly in the best control I could to the office. The echo’s of sobbing and Summers screaming behind me. I wanted to change things. I wanted to make it better for them so other kids didn’t have to experience Apple gate house like I had but instead I walked away from them all and closed the blind down on the little window on the office door. I could not change the world and make it better. I couldn’t save any one. Not even Mi.
I want to change the world instead I close the blinds.
It broke every rule in the book but I had to let Summer stay. For a start there was no one to drag her away as I was still the one giving mouth to mouth while Jean did chest compression but B because Mi needed a friend. Was It right to make another Client have to hold the bleeding wounds of another patients arms. No but recant budget cuts decided that the number of staff needed on a high dependency children’s Unit at night was four instead of then usual six and only two of them had to be qualified nurses the result being Summer was actually now needed to aid Mi’s physical injuries for all me and jean had been doing to then was pump the blood around Mi’s body so it could piss out all over the floor.
“OK Summer you can stay but if it gets to much you must leave OK. There is no pressure for you to do anything in this situation OK.”
“Am, am I doing it right?” Summer stuttered glancing up the arm she held in the air “I want to do it right.”
“That’s perfect Summer you are doing really, really well.” I said gently trying to reassure her the best I could even though tears kept streaming down over my face her bottom lip quivering uncontrollably and her breathing fluttering in short burst from her lips.
“It’s OK Summer, it’s OK my honey.” I tried to sooth between giving vital resuscitation to Mi.”
“The RRA and ambulance are here!” Zak shouted making the crowd at the door part to let two very large men in the paramedic uniform enter the and one tiny looking female doctor. Who set about scurrying around Mi’s body faster then I had ever seen a doctor move before.
“It’s time to scoop and run,” The doctors announced to the paramedics after completing the checks she wanted to. “She is very very sick and her best chance is in a hospital. She announced to the two paramedics who sprang into action.“You kept her alive, well done.” The doctor said again looking at me as i got unsteadaly to my feet hoping beyond hope that i could just get to the office before i either passed out of vomited.
“We will Take it from here.” the doctor said. With a nod I went to the door where Zak was standing and waiting for more instructions he was coping a lot better then I was.
“Call people up see if they can come in and phone the agency as well. Call Dr Jordan at home as well and tell them the hospital is in a code red” I said to Zak as I past him on the way up the corridor trying to herd the other clients back into the lounge. Some like Summer where red eyed end crying others just stunned and not talking. For me things just moved in slow motion like a corny seen out of a medical drama when something like this happened.
“When you Can get another to cover I am going home Sick until then I will be in the office and only be available if I am really needed. I am not safe to around clients at the moment.” I said in a monotone voice. I new there was only so much time I could hold my self together now let alone any of the other clients that where going to need serious support through the rest of the night. Things like this didn’t happen much and when they did it knocked onto every one. I wanted to stay there and help but right there and then I was struggling to stay on my feet at all.
“ whenever it is possible I want every one who was below elevated to five minute checks. All usual harmers are to be put on suicide watch as well. Any one who is taking it very badly is to go straight to red observations at arms length.”
“Lauren you did really well but can you move Summer to the ECA for the moment.” I added calling sown the corridor to Lauren who nodded.
“I am sorry Zak but I have to get out of this.” I said again leaving Zak behind and walking slowly in the best control I could to the office. The echo’s of sobbing and Summers screaming behind me. I wanted to change things. I wanted to make it better for them so other kids didn’t have to experience Apple gate house like I had but instead I walked away from them all and closed the blind down on the little window on the office door. I could not change the world and make it better. I couldn’t save any one. Not even Mi.
(Esmee) Doesn't get to leave like that. (Mi's side)
Doesn’t get to leave like that.
“That’s kind of inappropriate right now Mark my love.” I shouted back through the door in time with my compressions on Mi’s chest. The good news was there was no longer any cracking of ribs as I pumped the bad news was the reason for this Was because I had probably broken them all.
Mark was inappropriate at all situations. Though it wasn’t Marks fault. He generally had no idea most of the time that what he was inappropriate. His reactions where nearly always based on fact or the excitement of a situation. However all you had to do to mark was tell him what he said wasn’t right and he would apologize. Unfortunately outside the walls of a forgiving and understanding environment he normally just got his ass kicked for doing it.
“I’m sorry. I didn’t meant to be inappropriate.” Mark said sounding generally upset with his self. “I hope Mi gets better.”
“No problem honey.” I said breathlessly
“Let me take over sausage your getting tired.” Jean said gently while she seamlessly moved my hands out of the way and started pumping hard On MI’s chest. It almost looked abusive with the force she pressed down with. The way Mi’s head and shoulders rattled up and down with every compression as water leaked out through her mouth and nose with the pressure on her lungs.
“Mi! Mia! Mia! No! Mia please no!” Summer shrieked as she crawled under Laurens defence at the door and came running over to Mi’s side on the floor taking hold of one of her limp hands in hers. Her tears falling faster then she could control.
“She is going to be OK right Esmee!” Summer said focousing her attention on my face with such an intensity I had to move my eyes away I couldn’t give her the answer she wanted me to say. I wanted her to be OK to but there was a god chance she wouldn’t. There was a good chance Mi would never wake up again and even if she did there was a good chance that the things that made Mi, Mi would no longer be there. Any time with out oxygen to the brain could result in permanent brain damage. Even if by some miracle all the pumping on the chest and breathing for her worked the chances where she would spend the rest of her life weal chare bound or bed bound in a hospital somewhere. Even if we saved her there was a good chance of losing her.
“Esmee!” Summer barked in a pleading voice “Esmee look at me please!” Summer begged as she sat crouched on the floor holding onto Mi’s body with trembling hands. Her face broken apart and red from the tears that she did not try to hide.
“Summer you can’t be in here OK.” I said gently before bending over Mi’s mouth and gibing her another two breaths while Jean kept on at her chest.
“I’m not leaving her!” Summer wailed there isn’t enough of you hear and she is still bleeding as well.” Summer stuttered pulling the towel over from across the bathroom floor and wrapping it around Mi’s wrist holing her arm into the air.
“You see I can help! I am not going to just stand out there and watch her go. I won’t just let her die. She doesn’t get to kill her self Esmee! She just doesn’t get to leave like that.” Summer shouted looking at Mi's broken face and rocking back and forth as she kept the pressure on her wrists.
"She just doesn't get to leave me like that."
“That’s kind of inappropriate right now Mark my love.” I shouted back through the door in time with my compressions on Mi’s chest. The good news was there was no longer any cracking of ribs as I pumped the bad news was the reason for this Was because I had probably broken them all.
Mark was inappropriate at all situations. Though it wasn’t Marks fault. He generally had no idea most of the time that what he was inappropriate. His reactions where nearly always based on fact or the excitement of a situation. However all you had to do to mark was tell him what he said wasn’t right and he would apologize. Unfortunately outside the walls of a forgiving and understanding environment he normally just got his ass kicked for doing it.
“I’m sorry. I didn’t meant to be inappropriate.” Mark said sounding generally upset with his self. “I hope Mi gets better.”
“No problem honey.” I said breathlessly
“Let me take over sausage your getting tired.” Jean said gently while she seamlessly moved my hands out of the way and started pumping hard On MI’s chest. It almost looked abusive with the force she pressed down with. The way Mi’s head and shoulders rattled up and down with every compression as water leaked out through her mouth and nose with the pressure on her lungs.
“Mi! Mia! Mia! No! Mia please no!” Summer shrieked as she crawled under Laurens defence at the door and came running over to Mi’s side on the floor taking hold of one of her limp hands in hers. Her tears falling faster then she could control.
“She is going to be OK right Esmee!” Summer said focousing her attention on my face with such an intensity I had to move my eyes away I couldn’t give her the answer she wanted me to say. I wanted her to be OK to but there was a god chance she wouldn’t. There was a good chance Mi would never wake up again and even if she did there was a good chance that the things that made Mi, Mi would no longer be there. Any time with out oxygen to the brain could result in permanent brain damage. Even if by some miracle all the pumping on the chest and breathing for her worked the chances where she would spend the rest of her life weal chare bound or bed bound in a hospital somewhere. Even if we saved her there was a good chance of losing her.
“Esmee!” Summer barked in a pleading voice “Esmee look at me please!” Summer begged as she sat crouched on the floor holding onto Mi’s body with trembling hands. Her face broken apart and red from the tears that she did not try to hide.
“Summer you can’t be in here OK.” I said gently before bending over Mi’s mouth and gibing her another two breaths while Jean kept on at her chest.
“I’m not leaving her!” Summer wailed there isn’t enough of you hear and she is still bleeding as well.” Summer stuttered pulling the towel over from across the bathroom floor and wrapping it around Mi’s wrist holing her arm into the air.
“You see I can help! I am not going to just stand out there and watch her go. I won’t just let her die. She doesn’t get to kill her self Esmee! She just doesn’t get to leave like that.” Summer shouted looking at Mi's broken face and rocking back and forth as she kept the pressure on her wrists.
"She just doesn't get to leave me like that."
(Esmee) Patient 610 Erika Skye Phonix James (Mi's side)
This could be triggering i am not sure so i won't live an offical label to it. I know it is short but i think it is kind of dramatic and there will be more about Erika later on i am hust not sure when.
Patient 610 Erika Skye Phoenix James
Every nurse and nursing assistant on sift came running when the with the crash alarm like we where meant to leaving the other patients untended even the one’s on red and amber. The trouble was the crash alarm also got most of the clients attention too and seams it was the night shift there was only the minimal skeleton staff on and four wasn’t enough to control then situation.
“Cool Mi’s Kicked it!” Mark shouted from in the corridor as he managed to catch a limps through little Lauren that blocked the entrance to the door trying to calm down every one. Lauren was not great in an emergency but she had taken this seriously and reacted well. For many staff this was a first Only my self and Jean had dealt with another suspended before. She was patient 610 Erika Skye Phoenix James. She died in my arms at the age of 11. She was also the reason clients where no longer aloud dressing gown ropes Erika hung from hers.
Patient 610 Erika Skye Phoenix James
Every nurse and nursing assistant on sift came running when the with the crash alarm like we where meant to leaving the other patients untended even the one’s on red and amber. The trouble was the crash alarm also got most of the clients attention too and seams it was the night shift there was only the minimal skeleton staff on and four wasn’t enough to control then situation.
“Cool Mi’s Kicked it!” Mark shouted from in the corridor as he managed to catch a limps through little Lauren that blocked the entrance to the door trying to calm down every one. Lauren was not great in an emergency but she had taken this seriously and reacted well. For many staff this was a first Only my self and Jean had dealt with another suspended before. She was patient 610 Erika Skye Phoenix James. She died in my arms at the age of 11. She was also the reason clients where no longer aloud dressing gown ropes Erika hung from hers.
Saturday, 12 March 2011
(Esmee) We will look after you
We would look after you
I pressed down on Mi’s ribs five times each one causing a sickening crack to echo around the bath room her chest caving into an unnatural shape where my hands fitted. Every press was a struggle. I wanted to be more gentle but I new CPR wouldn’t work if it was gentle
“Mi please!” I said beginning to sob before I concentrated my self and went back to her moth giving her another two big breath making her lugs inflate as best they could with all the water stuck in them before going back to her chest causing more cracks each one more damage to her ribs each one another day in a hospital bed healing but with out the wounds there would be no healing there would be no hospital stay just a draw in the morgue with patient 264 written on the front.
“My god Esmee! Jean yelled running in through the door as she saw me pumping deeply on Mi’s chest “What happened Esmee?”
“Get help I sobbed loudly blinking away the tears from my eyes so I could see what I was doing.
“Call 999 and get help tell them she is suspended and that you are a nurse so it is a genuine suspended call. Tell them she has two possibly three arterial bleeds and tell them she has drowned.!” I shouted again sobbing harder before giving Mi another two breaths.
“Holy crap!” Jean shouted before doing something I should of done before and pulled the main alarm. The whole place started wailing with a syringe that hurt every ones ears but to me it was just a distant hum. The cracks under my hands and Mi’s cold lips against mine where the only thing I could concentrate on. The life in my hands.
“Come on MI!” I growled under my breath as I continues the compressions even though deep purple and black bruises started appearing under my palms another effect from me braking her ribs.
“Mi you can’t die.” I cried. There was so much we where going to do if you could just pull through. I wanted to tell you the plan Mi I really did but they said it would give you false hope if it all fell through but it was just a few more damn forms Mi and we where set. You just had to get a bit better and you could be discharged and we could take you home with us. We where going to be your new foster parents Mi. We where going to look after you.
I pressed down on Mi’s ribs five times each one causing a sickening crack to echo around the bath room her chest caving into an unnatural shape where my hands fitted. Every press was a struggle. I wanted to be more gentle but I new CPR wouldn’t work if it was gentle
“Mi please!” I said beginning to sob before I concentrated my self and went back to her moth giving her another two big breath making her lugs inflate as best they could with all the water stuck in them before going back to her chest causing more cracks each one more damage to her ribs each one another day in a hospital bed healing but with out the wounds there would be no healing there would be no hospital stay just a draw in the morgue with patient 264 written on the front.
“My god Esmee! Jean yelled running in through the door as she saw me pumping deeply on Mi’s chest “What happened Esmee?”
“Get help I sobbed loudly blinking away the tears from my eyes so I could see what I was doing.
“Call 999 and get help tell them she is suspended and that you are a nurse so it is a genuine suspended call. Tell them she has two possibly three arterial bleeds and tell them she has drowned.!” I shouted again sobbing harder before giving Mi another two breaths.
“Holy crap!” Jean shouted before doing something I should of done before and pulled the main alarm. The whole place started wailing with a syringe that hurt every ones ears but to me it was just a distant hum. The cracks under my hands and Mi’s cold lips against mine where the only thing I could concentrate on. The life in my hands.
“Come on MI!” I growled under my breath as I continues the compressions even though deep purple and black bruises started appearing under my palms another effect from me braking her ribs.
“Mi you can’t die.” I cried. There was so much we where going to do if you could just pull through. I wanted to tell you the plan Mi I really did but they said it would give you false hope if it all fell through but it was just a few more damn forms Mi and we where set. You just had to get a bit better and you could be discharged and we could take you home with us. We where going to be your new foster parents Mi. We where going to look after you.
(Esmee) Responsible, Underwater sleeping and patient 264 (Mi's side)
Responsible
“You have done all this before haven’t you Esmee. From the other side of the fence.” Jean said smiling as she put the folder down on the desk and signalled for me to do the same thing even though I had all ready done so as my breathing was accelerating beyond what was normal and my hands shock so I bunched them into fists before biting on my lip.
I had not told anyone here other then Emmet that Apple gate house used to be my home. For over a year it used to be where I did everything and everything I said was true. I silently begged for every member of staff to hug me when they watched me cry. I hated it the most when I had lost all the control that I fort for and I was spread eagle on the floor and my whole body screaming and every member of staff around me had the power over me. I hated it when the needle of the syringe pricked in my bum cheek but worse still was when the room swam around and though your whole body fort the sleep you new that your eyes would close and you would be a tiny thin half naked little girl sleeping on the floor on show for the world to see.
“I won’t tell any one Esmee I promise you that. I am sorry I must of sounded like a insensitive bitch.” Jean said pulling her self off of the chair and moving over the room towards my desk before placing her hand on my shoulder.
“Emmet found me on the street with an oesophagus that was ruptured in four different places. I cut so much and so deep that I nearly lost all of my natural blood and it was all replaced by blood in bags. God known’s how many blood dinners saved my life that day with out them and the people who worked on me I would of died it was a miracle for me to survive at all but before I went unconscious Emmet told me that he loved me and I survived for him.”
“Here chicken.” Jean said handing me a box of the usual sand paper tissues that where scattered around every hospital that you went in ready and waiting for any tears that where to be shed, but they shouldn’t be my tears. They should be the tears of patients tears of the relatives not tears of the nurses we had to be the strong points, the people who did not need the tissues.
“Jean I am sorry, I shouldn’t be upset.” I said discarding the crumbling tissue using the side of my hand instead.
“It’s just whenever I here someone say I can be to compassionate. I think of a million and one things on how I could help more because the things that happened to me will haunt me forever and I don’t want the same things to haunt them too.” I moaned trying to use the technique that that I had learned to help me fight off the memories I didn’t want to have. There was a time and place to deal with things and in work when I was meant to be looking after a lot of people. When I was responsible for checking on them was not the right time.
“Oh, shit, fuck, damn and crap! Checks! I am meant to be doing checks! Mi’s in the bath and it’s been thirty minutes.” I yelled jumping to my feet rushing to the door.
“If anything happened I swear I will never forgive my self!”
Underwater sleeping
“Mi, Mi it’s Esmee.” I said knocking hard on the bathroom door while shouting.
“I am sorry it has been so long. I got caught up but I have come to check to see if you are OK.” I said in apologetic voice to the door but there was no response in fact there was no noise from inside of the bathroom at all, no running water no splashing, It was silent like no one was in there. Like she wasn’t in there.
.”Mi!” I shouted louder now trying to twist the lock in the door with my fingers. They where meant to be quick accesses locks and they where when people’s hands where no shaking like mine where now.
“Mi I am coming in.” I yelled again finally managing to get the lock open and barge into the room where I ran over to the bath.
Mi was under the bath water that was now red with vomit floating around on the top and I recalled slightly my mind going fuzzy as I almost threw up over my self. I new how to react as a nurse but I was more then that. I new for a long time she meant so much more then that, then patient 264 Mia Rose Dorado. She was Mi a fighter, a survivor in her own way but she had no idea she was and she had a smile that when she used it lit up a room and she made me laugh and she even though her world was dark she hung onto hope but now it looked like she had proven us all wrong. Her tiny body still small but growling with the nourishment we had given her was under blood red water sleeping.
Patient 264Suddenly my nursing instincts kicked in and I reached into the water grabbing her from under the arms and pulling her up and out of the bath onto the floor and onto her back. She looked barely human now though. Her lips a watery blood stained blue with mucus and vomit congealing them together. her skin a pasty white and her eyes closed gently though the lids where no purple. There was no colour to her cheeks. She was bleeding arterially from both wrists and there was a deep long cut on her leg that might of hit the femoral artery but the blood wasn’t pumping now normally with arterial bleeds this would be a good thing but here it wasn’t. it should have been pumping out but of course there was no heart beat to make the blood pump out. There was no breath coming from her blue lips. For all intense and purposes she was dead and cold on the floor worse still fifteen minutes earlier and I might of got to her.
“Help! Help in the bathroom! Help me! Please god help me!! I yelled smashing the RRA on my wrist that I normally never used. “She isn’t breathing!” I yelled again before dropping to my knees and next to her body and wiping off her lips with my fingers before tilting back her head and opening her mouth for now I took a deep breath and cleared my mind. For now Mi the fighter with the perfect smile that lighted up a room The little sixteen year old girl that I loved like I did my own daughter in so many ways had to become Patient 264 Mia Rose Dorado. She had too become nothing to me. if I was going to save her I had to be prepared for her to die.
“You have done all this before haven’t you Esmee. From the other side of the fence.” Jean said smiling as she put the folder down on the desk and signalled for me to do the same thing even though I had all ready done so as my breathing was accelerating beyond what was normal and my hands shock so I bunched them into fists before biting on my lip.
I had not told anyone here other then Emmet that Apple gate house used to be my home. For over a year it used to be where I did everything and everything I said was true. I silently begged for every member of staff to hug me when they watched me cry. I hated it the most when I had lost all the control that I fort for and I was spread eagle on the floor and my whole body screaming and every member of staff around me had the power over me. I hated it when the needle of the syringe pricked in my bum cheek but worse still was when the room swam around and though your whole body fort the sleep you new that your eyes would close and you would be a tiny thin half naked little girl sleeping on the floor on show for the world to see.
“I won’t tell any one Esmee I promise you that. I am sorry I must of sounded like a insensitive bitch.” Jean said pulling her self off of the chair and moving over the room towards my desk before placing her hand on my shoulder.
“Emmet found me on the street with an oesophagus that was ruptured in four different places. I cut so much and so deep that I nearly lost all of my natural blood and it was all replaced by blood in bags. God known’s how many blood dinners saved my life that day with out them and the people who worked on me I would of died it was a miracle for me to survive at all but before I went unconscious Emmet told me that he loved me and I survived for him.”
“Here chicken.” Jean said handing me a box of the usual sand paper tissues that where scattered around every hospital that you went in ready and waiting for any tears that where to be shed, but they shouldn’t be my tears. They should be the tears of patients tears of the relatives not tears of the nurses we had to be the strong points, the people who did not need the tissues.
“Jean I am sorry, I shouldn’t be upset.” I said discarding the crumbling tissue using the side of my hand instead.
“It’s just whenever I here someone say I can be to compassionate. I think of a million and one things on how I could help more because the things that happened to me will haunt me forever and I don’t want the same things to haunt them too.” I moaned trying to use the technique that that I had learned to help me fight off the memories I didn’t want to have. There was a time and place to deal with things and in work when I was meant to be looking after a lot of people. When I was responsible for checking on them was not the right time.
“Oh, shit, fuck, damn and crap! Checks! I am meant to be doing checks! Mi’s in the bath and it’s been thirty minutes.” I yelled jumping to my feet rushing to the door.
“If anything happened I swear I will never forgive my self!”
Underwater sleeping
“Mi, Mi it’s Esmee.” I said knocking hard on the bathroom door while shouting.
“I am sorry it has been so long. I got caught up but I have come to check to see if you are OK.” I said in apologetic voice to the door but there was no response in fact there was no noise from inside of the bathroom at all, no running water no splashing, It was silent like no one was in there. Like she wasn’t in there.
.”Mi!” I shouted louder now trying to twist the lock in the door with my fingers. They where meant to be quick accesses locks and they where when people’s hands where no shaking like mine where now.
“Mi I am coming in.” I yelled again finally managing to get the lock open and barge into the room where I ran over to the bath.
Mi was under the bath water that was now red with vomit floating around on the top and I recalled slightly my mind going fuzzy as I almost threw up over my self. I new how to react as a nurse but I was more then that. I new for a long time she meant so much more then that, then patient 264 Mia Rose Dorado. She was Mi a fighter, a survivor in her own way but she had no idea she was and she had a smile that when she used it lit up a room and she made me laugh and she even though her world was dark she hung onto hope but now it looked like she had proven us all wrong. Her tiny body still small but growling with the nourishment we had given her was under blood red water sleeping.
Patient 264Suddenly my nursing instincts kicked in and I reached into the water grabbing her from under the arms and pulling her up and out of the bath onto the floor and onto her back. She looked barely human now though. Her lips a watery blood stained blue with mucus and vomit congealing them together. her skin a pasty white and her eyes closed gently though the lids where no purple. There was no colour to her cheeks. She was bleeding arterially from both wrists and there was a deep long cut on her leg that might of hit the femoral artery but the blood wasn’t pumping now normally with arterial bleeds this would be a good thing but here it wasn’t. it should have been pumping out but of course there was no heart beat to make the blood pump out. There was no breath coming from her blue lips. For all intense and purposes she was dead and cold on the floor worse still fifteen minutes earlier and I might of got to her.
“Help! Help in the bathroom! Help me! Please god help me!! I yelled smashing the RRA on my wrist that I normally never used. “She isn’t breathing!” I yelled again before dropping to my knees and next to her body and wiping off her lips with my fingers before tilting back her head and opening her mouth for now I took a deep breath and cleared my mind. For now Mi the fighter with the perfect smile that lighted up a room The little sixteen year old girl that I loved like I did my own daughter in so many ways had to become Patient 264 Mia Rose Dorado. She had too become nothing to me. if I was going to save her I had to be prepared for her to die.
Friday, 11 March 2011
(Esmee) because i know it all (Mi's side)
Esmee
Because I know it all
“Mia’s gone for a bath.” I said Entering into the office and sitting down in one of the swivelling chairs making my self go around with my feet before pulling open Arabella’s file and reading through the usual rubbish that was written in there. Arabella was a sad case in the fact that there wasn’t really a case, we new nothing about her. She was generally silent and she didn’t eat yet she didn’t refuse food either as long as it was given through a tube in her nose. all we new was outside of the ECA she wouldn’t co exist as soon as the light hit her she would run bash into walls find sharp edges anything to hurt her self. It was like she was begging to stay in the ECA. Like she was scared to look at anything other then the padding of the cell she existed in.
“Keep an eye on her Esmee. She isn’t all she seems that one?” Jean said also going through a file at another desk. While typing with one hand on a lap top and in between all of this somehow found the time to sip at a cup of coffee.
“I know that. I have seen it in her eyes too.” I said “but what can I do Jean, she shows she is OK I have to trust her. She can’t smile and show me that she is having a fantastic time and I put her on red observations. I have to show her that I trust her because you know as well as I know she will run a mile if we don’t.
“You think so much of all the clients here Esmee I wonder how you do it and not explode. You know so much about each one too. Have you never felt like you where just burning out? I know this sounds a little harsh duckling but I sometimes think you maybe get to involved. Do you ever think you care too much?”
“No, I can‘t care to much Jean. No one ever cares enough for the kids that are in here. They have got to the point where some of them at just mere teenagers are trying to throw them self’s off of buildings or are having to cut until they almost bleed out just to stop the pain for a few seconds and then they come to this place and there world gets thrown upside down even more. So I care as much as I possibly can and maybe it makes me bad at the job or avoid the books to much but I know all of this that happens in front my eyes. I feel it all within me. I can feel the pain of having a syringe stuck up your ass because you are so angry and alone you need sedation. I know what It is like to hold your self for hours before you realise you are going to have to use the loo being watched by a member of staff or like a five year old child you will wet yourself. Hell I also know what it is like to wet your self because you leave it to long to ask and the ass hole of a staff member you ask wont move her ass quickly enough for you to get there on time and guess what, that mostly happens when your in light coloured jogging bottoms and in a room full of people. I know that it hurts to cry alone when you are sixteen and I also know that it is like to feels like you could be saved from falling apart if the person that is sitting and watching you do it would just wrap there arms around you and tell you that it is all going to be OK. I know it all Jean because a little monster I know did it all and felt it all in this unit before while some of the kids that are here now where still in nappies.”
For any one who has not figured it out for the time being i have slipped over to Esmee's POV in the story. Sorry for the troubel but i think this will work the best but Mi will be back soon. Any way i hope this is OK.
Give me a chance and i will become Mi again, Who will remember me, Life on eath is ending (Mi's side)
THESE CHAPTERS ARE TRIGGERING AND HORABLEY GRAPHIC AT TIMES. I KNOW I SHOULD OF CALMED THEM DOWN A BIT BUT I WANTED TO SHOW THAT THERE WAS NOTHING ROMANTIC ABOUT SUICIDE. PLEASE BE SAFE I DON'T WANT TO GET ANY ONE UPSET.
Give me a chance and I will become Mi again
Emmet as I expected took my lie as fact so did every other person that asked the same question and the worst thing the more I lied the easier it became. In the space of I few hours I built another wall and made another mask managing somehow to hide behind them all and it wasn’t hard I could become (if I wasn’t in apple gate any more) the Mi I used to be. If I tried hard I could get all the grade Back up. I could be A plus . I could be focused I could be all they ever wanted from me and more but I didn’t have to try for long and the time had come. The day had faded and the lights on the unit had taken over the sun. I had eaten all the crap that was put in front of me. I even tried to read some of the book that I hadn’t picked up in weeks. I smiled I laughed and every so often I laid my hand over my chest and felt of the little tiny razor hidden in the secret pocket of my bra. With it there it made it easier to go on. It made it easier to realized that even though I could manage days I just needed hours. Hours where more then simple.
“Checks!” Esmee announced swinging through the door by the door frame and smiling as she looked at my relaxed position on the bad. That of course was also a lie I had the time planed. This was Esmee’s forth check of the night. I had laughed and I had smiled with her, I had told her that I was OK and now was to put the real bit of the plan into action. I was just going to cut in the room. Long and deep but that never really helped they always found me and always carted me off in the back of an ambulance. Tonight I was doing it properly. In the bath hot water and tears turning red. I wanted it to be romantic but I new it wouldn’t be but most off all I just wanted it to be over.
Who will remember me?“Esmee I am going to go and have a bath OK.” I said smiling sweetly trying to make her heart melt. I haven’t had a bath since I got here and I used to really love baths.” I said smiling before getting up and stretching and grabbing the towel off the end of the bed and pulling it over my shoulder.
“That’s great honey it is good to do things that you like. I am going to come and check on you in fifteen minutes but I wont come in Ok so I will just shout through the door you just have to tell me that you are OK."
“That’s really good. Thanks. I will be OK though I am fine .” I said smiling though something in my chest felt heavy. Esmee was beautiful her sparkling black eyes her waving bouncing deep red shoulder length hair that smelt of sweet strawberries her pale soft touch skin and her rosy cheeks made her the most perfect thing. The way she walked and the way she talked. She was the mother that I had always wanted the mother I should have had.
It was going to hurt to lose her and standing there looking at her loving eyes and her smiling face I nearly changed her mind I nearly reached into my bra and placed the sharp steal deadly blade into her hand. Would she be the one to finally find me when I didn’t answer at the checks? Would she be the one to place her hands under my arm pits and pull me up out of the bath on to the ground. Would she have to be the one to press her mouth up against mine and try and breath for me? Would she be the one to press the palms of her hands down though my ribs to make my heart beat? Would she cry her tears over my stone dead blood drained body and if I died today would she remember me tomorrow?
Life on earth is endingThe bath water felt like it burned me as I stepped in and sat down in the water the heat making me gasp slightly as it turned the skin on my legs pink but I new the water needed to be hot to stop the blood clotting to soon.
I plunged my plastered hand under the water and tugged hard at the cast that encased my arm till it slipped off into the water exposing both of my arms. I would cut my one good arm first with the limited use of my first wrist trying this time to miss the tenants and then I would cut my bad arm. I had no idea how to start with my legs but I would head for the femoral artery they bleed a lot apparently.
There was nothing that I would miss about the world I wanted to be out. There was no one to miss me. No one to care no one to live for. My baby died because I was not strong enough to protect him from the monsters in my house. My sister rolled off of the side of the road and died inches from my face there was no family left form me no one for me to cling to and I didn’t want to survive any more I wanted to be with them.
Slowly and carefully I pressed the side of the blade down against my arms and dragged them back across the delicate blue veins under the water. The blood pumped out fast turning the water a deep red before going on to the other wrist and doing the same thing again making the blood pump quicker. My head span with the weight of what I had just done was this going to work now? Was this the last seconds of my life? Would the jade green textured walls be the last colours that flash before my eyes was the disgusting smell of anti-septic toilet cleaner going to be the last strong smell to burn in my noise and the back of my throat because I didn’t want that there was nothing romantic about the searing pain in my wrists there was nothing romantic about the way the vision in my eyes swirled uncomfortably in front of my eyes or the fact that my teeth chattered so violently even though my body felt like it was on fire. It was just plane humiliating that I was sure I had just wet my self in the bath because of the pain and the chattering of my teeth and utterly disgusting that I didn’t even have the energy left to hold my head over the side of the bath before I vomited so it just fell out of my mouth and smeared over my chest before floating in the deep red water.
“Arabella I’m coming now. Oscar Mummy’s coming to look after you at last I whispered trying to block out the part that told my to use the last of my energy to scream for help that this wasn’t actually the way to die drowning in a tub full of your own blood sick and urine but I thought that at least it was a way and I had never felt like I did then. I was going to die become the number on a page for so many but it didn’t matter because I was going with the people who really cared. I was going to be able to hold my son for the first time, to rest in Arabella’s arms and I new there I would never feel no pain. Suicide was painful and humiliating but it would be over soon if only I could endure it so with the last of my little strength I slashed the blade down across the side of my leg roughly where the femoral artery was and sank under the bloody water the world around me going black as Arabella focused in the front of my mind. I was home at last
Give me a chance and I will become Mi again
Emmet as I expected took my lie as fact so did every other person that asked the same question and the worst thing the more I lied the easier it became. In the space of I few hours I built another wall and made another mask managing somehow to hide behind them all and it wasn’t hard I could become (if I wasn’t in apple gate any more) the Mi I used to be. If I tried hard I could get all the grade Back up. I could be A plus . I could be focused I could be all they ever wanted from me and more but I didn’t have to try for long and the time had come. The day had faded and the lights on the unit had taken over the sun. I had eaten all the crap that was put in front of me. I even tried to read some of the book that I hadn’t picked up in weeks. I smiled I laughed and every so often I laid my hand over my chest and felt of the little tiny razor hidden in the secret pocket of my bra. With it there it made it easier to go on. It made it easier to realized that even though I could manage days I just needed hours. Hours where more then simple.
“Checks!” Esmee announced swinging through the door by the door frame and smiling as she looked at my relaxed position on the bad. That of course was also a lie I had the time planed. This was Esmee’s forth check of the night. I had laughed and I had smiled with her, I had told her that I was OK and now was to put the real bit of the plan into action. I was just going to cut in the room. Long and deep but that never really helped they always found me and always carted me off in the back of an ambulance. Tonight I was doing it properly. In the bath hot water and tears turning red. I wanted it to be romantic but I new it wouldn’t be but most off all I just wanted it to be over.
Who will remember me?“Esmee I am going to go and have a bath OK.” I said smiling sweetly trying to make her heart melt. I haven’t had a bath since I got here and I used to really love baths.” I said smiling before getting up and stretching and grabbing the towel off the end of the bed and pulling it over my shoulder.
“That’s great honey it is good to do things that you like. I am going to come and check on you in fifteen minutes but I wont come in Ok so I will just shout through the door you just have to tell me that you are OK."
“That’s really good. Thanks. I will be OK though I am fine .” I said smiling though something in my chest felt heavy. Esmee was beautiful her sparkling black eyes her waving bouncing deep red shoulder length hair that smelt of sweet strawberries her pale soft touch skin and her rosy cheeks made her the most perfect thing. The way she walked and the way she talked. She was the mother that I had always wanted the mother I should have had.
It was going to hurt to lose her and standing there looking at her loving eyes and her smiling face I nearly changed her mind I nearly reached into my bra and placed the sharp steal deadly blade into her hand. Would she be the one to finally find me when I didn’t answer at the checks? Would she be the one to place her hands under my arm pits and pull me up out of the bath on to the ground. Would she have to be the one to press her mouth up against mine and try and breath for me? Would she be the one to press the palms of her hands down though my ribs to make my heart beat? Would she cry her tears over my stone dead blood drained body and if I died today would she remember me tomorrow?
Life on earth is endingThe bath water felt like it burned me as I stepped in and sat down in the water the heat making me gasp slightly as it turned the skin on my legs pink but I new the water needed to be hot to stop the blood clotting to soon.
I plunged my plastered hand under the water and tugged hard at the cast that encased my arm till it slipped off into the water exposing both of my arms. I would cut my one good arm first with the limited use of my first wrist trying this time to miss the tenants and then I would cut my bad arm. I had no idea how to start with my legs but I would head for the femoral artery they bleed a lot apparently.
There was nothing that I would miss about the world I wanted to be out. There was no one to miss me. No one to care no one to live for. My baby died because I was not strong enough to protect him from the monsters in my house. My sister rolled off of the side of the road and died inches from my face there was no family left form me no one for me to cling to and I didn’t want to survive any more I wanted to be with them.
Slowly and carefully I pressed the side of the blade down against my arms and dragged them back across the delicate blue veins under the water. The blood pumped out fast turning the water a deep red before going on to the other wrist and doing the same thing again making the blood pump quicker. My head span with the weight of what I had just done was this going to work now? Was this the last seconds of my life? Would the jade green textured walls be the last colours that flash before my eyes was the disgusting smell of anti-septic toilet cleaner going to be the last strong smell to burn in my noise and the back of my throat because I didn’t want that there was nothing romantic about the searing pain in my wrists there was nothing romantic about the way the vision in my eyes swirled uncomfortably in front of my eyes or the fact that my teeth chattered so violently even though my body felt like it was on fire. It was just plane humiliating that I was sure I had just wet my self in the bath because of the pain and the chattering of my teeth and utterly disgusting that I didn’t even have the energy left to hold my head over the side of the bath before I vomited so it just fell out of my mouth and smeared over my chest before floating in the deep red water.
“Arabella I’m coming now. Oscar Mummy’s coming to look after you at last I whispered trying to block out the part that told my to use the last of my energy to scream for help that this wasn’t actually the way to die drowning in a tub full of your own blood sick and urine but I thought that at least it was a way and I had never felt like I did then. I was going to die become the number on a page for so many but it didn’t matter because I was going with the people who really cared. I was going to be able to hold my son for the first time, to rest in Arabella’s arms and I new there I would never feel no pain. Suicide was painful and humiliating but it would be over soon if only I could endure it so with the last of my little strength I slashed the blade down across the side of my leg roughly where the femoral artery was and sank under the bloody water the world around me going black as Arabella focused in the front of my mind. I was home at last
Wednesday, 9 March 2011
The only exception (Emmets side)
I don't think this chapter is triggering but every one is diffrent take care
The only exception
“ I don’t want to cut Emmet but the pain!” Esmee squealed pressing the palms of her hands into the sides of her head. My head is screaming at me it knows how to make the pain go away.”
“The pain will Go Esmee the pain is not permanent all you have to do Is keep holding on In there.” I said smiling through my own foggy eyes as I took hold of both of her hands and squeezed them in mine.
“I feel sick.” Esmee moaned as she squeezed my hands tight till her fingers went white with the effort” Augh I’m going to throw up.” Esmee said trying to get to her feet as she urged slightly.
“It’s OK, it’s ok I will go and grab a bucket just In case, hang tight for 30 seconds.” I encouraged getting to my feet in a bounce before heading up the corridor again to the upstairs bathroom where we kept a bucket for this purpose alone. Mostly for when Mia had a tummy bag and we spent all night up with her.
Reaching are bedroom again just in time Esmee snatched the bucket out of my hands where she vomited violently on all fours over the bucket her back arching uncomfortably with every bout of heaving her stomach pulling tight and releasing from the effort but this was a good thing she was fighting she wasn’t going to give in like I thought she was. It wasn’t going to me kicking it’s ass it would be even better. She was going to do it for me.
“It’s OK my love. Your doing OK angel.” I said gently as I drooped down by her side and pulled her hair back up off of her face my other hand wrapped over her arching back trying to give the best comfort I could.
“I’m sorry.” Esmee breathed deeply rocking back onto her knees as she wiped her mouth off with the back of her hand.
“It’s OK. You are doing so well and I am right here. I know I can’t do much but I will help you in whatever way I can.”
“I am sorry this is stupid.” Esmee groaned trying to steady her breathing that was coming fast making her chest rise and fall in shallow pants. To her there was really something wrapped around it making it imposable for her to breath The vomiting was just a reaction to the anxiety she was feeling and I new it was going to get worse before it got better. It was a nasty bloody fight to the death one would brake Into pieces. The terrible thing was she was fighting with something inside of her self. She could never truly win in a fight with her self.
“Es try and calm your breathing. Your hyperventilating and it sill be making you feel worse it is also what is probably causing the sickness.” I encouraged gently.
“Sorry I can’t do it.” Esmee said shaking hr head even though she tried. “I can’t breath.” She squeaked g the panic raising in her voice as the tears splashing onto her checks from her tightly closed up eyes.
“All right lets try this instead.” I said crawling over the little crowded desk in the side of are room and pulling out a big paper A4 envelop before crawling back and opening it up pressing it over Esmee’s mouth and face. I was aware that treating panic attacks like that wasn’t what people recommended any more and talking people through it was the best idea but the paper bag technique still worked well and it provided quicker relief then someone mindlessly babbling on about the importance of staying calm.
The sounds of the paper on the envelope creasing as she breathed made the hairs stand up on the back of my neck as I watched her fight for every breath to keep up the elevated breathing. To her it felt like she had to breath fast or she wouldn’t be able to breath at all.
“I know it feels bad right now Es but you are having a panic attack OK and this will really help in a little while you just have to keep trying to slow those breaths down.” I soothed rubbing rhythmic slow waves on her back.
It took a while but as always with the paper bag her breath began to slow down until it was back to normal and I pulled the bag away from her face her lips quivering slightly as the tears slipped down over cheeks and onto her lips where she gently licked them off with the tip of her tongue.
“I’m to old for this Emmet. I am to old and I am to tired but if I give up I am going to lose. If I don’t give up I will lose my fucking mind!” Esmee yelled raising her voice to a screech at the last point as she smashed her hand down into the carpet before pulling at the pile with her finger nails.
“Mummy! Mum, mum, Mummy!” Mia screamed from her nursery as the sharp noise of Esmee’s screaming interrupted her sleeping. “Mummy!” She screamed again thins time the tears coming into her voice as she started to wail and shake the rails on her cot making Esmee’s face suddenly cantered. I should o none Mia would be the only exception to the cutting. The only thing that could out power it in seconds.
OK i have a stupid random question about the last chapter that has been eating at me. Should i of made Emmets reaction diffrent when Esmee asked his permission? I wanted it to be compasonet what he was doing but i am woried he come across un caring or pro self harm or somthing?
It is probably nothing but thoughts would be great,
Thanks Vikki
The only exception
“ I don’t want to cut Emmet but the pain!” Esmee squealed pressing the palms of her hands into the sides of her head. My head is screaming at me it knows how to make the pain go away.”
“The pain will Go Esmee the pain is not permanent all you have to do Is keep holding on In there.” I said smiling through my own foggy eyes as I took hold of both of her hands and squeezed them in mine.
“I feel sick.” Esmee moaned as she squeezed my hands tight till her fingers went white with the effort” Augh I’m going to throw up.” Esmee said trying to get to her feet as she urged slightly.
“It’s OK, it’s ok I will go and grab a bucket just In case, hang tight for 30 seconds.” I encouraged getting to my feet in a bounce before heading up the corridor again to the upstairs bathroom where we kept a bucket for this purpose alone. Mostly for when Mia had a tummy bag and we spent all night up with her.
Reaching are bedroom again just in time Esmee snatched the bucket out of my hands where she vomited violently on all fours over the bucket her back arching uncomfortably with every bout of heaving her stomach pulling tight and releasing from the effort but this was a good thing she was fighting she wasn’t going to give in like I thought she was. It wasn’t going to me kicking it’s ass it would be even better. She was going to do it for me.
“It’s OK my love. Your doing OK angel.” I said gently as I drooped down by her side and pulled her hair back up off of her face my other hand wrapped over her arching back trying to give the best comfort I could.
“I’m sorry.” Esmee breathed deeply rocking back onto her knees as she wiped her mouth off with the back of her hand.
“It’s OK. You are doing so well and I am right here. I know I can’t do much but I will help you in whatever way I can.”
“I am sorry this is stupid.” Esmee groaned trying to steady her breathing that was coming fast making her chest rise and fall in shallow pants. To her there was really something wrapped around it making it imposable for her to breath The vomiting was just a reaction to the anxiety she was feeling and I new it was going to get worse before it got better. It was a nasty bloody fight to the death one would brake Into pieces. The terrible thing was she was fighting with something inside of her self. She could never truly win in a fight with her self.
“Es try and calm your breathing. Your hyperventilating and it sill be making you feel worse it is also what is probably causing the sickness.” I encouraged gently.
“Sorry I can’t do it.” Esmee said shaking hr head even though she tried. “I can’t breath.” She squeaked g the panic raising in her voice as the tears splashing onto her checks from her tightly closed up eyes.
“All right lets try this instead.” I said crawling over the little crowded desk in the side of are room and pulling out a big paper A4 envelop before crawling back and opening it up pressing it over Esmee’s mouth and face. I was aware that treating panic attacks like that wasn’t what people recommended any more and talking people through it was the best idea but the paper bag technique still worked well and it provided quicker relief then someone mindlessly babbling on about the importance of staying calm.
The sounds of the paper on the envelope creasing as she breathed made the hairs stand up on the back of my neck as I watched her fight for every breath to keep up the elevated breathing. To her it felt like she had to breath fast or she wouldn’t be able to breath at all.
“I know it feels bad right now Es but you are having a panic attack OK and this will really help in a little while you just have to keep trying to slow those breaths down.” I soothed rubbing rhythmic slow waves on her back.
It took a while but as always with the paper bag her breath began to slow down until it was back to normal and I pulled the bag away from her face her lips quivering slightly as the tears slipped down over cheeks and onto her lips where she gently licked them off with the tip of her tongue.
“I’m to old for this Emmet. I am to old and I am to tired but if I give up I am going to lose. If I don’t give up I will lose my fucking mind!” Esmee yelled raising her voice to a screech at the last point as she smashed her hand down into the carpet before pulling at the pile with her finger nails.
“Mummy! Mum, mum, Mummy!” Mia screamed from her nursery as the sharp noise of Esmee’s screaming interrupted her sleeping. “Mummy!” She screamed again thins time the tears coming into her voice as she started to wail and shake the rails on her cot making Esmee’s face suddenly cantered. I should o none Mia would be the only exception to the cutting. The only thing that could out power it in seconds.
OK i have a stupid random question about the last chapter that has been eating at me. Should i of made Emmets reaction diffrent when Esmee asked his permission? I wanted it to be compasonet what he was doing but i am woried he come across un caring or pro self harm or somthing?
It is probably nothing but thoughts would be great,
Thanks Vikki
Monday, 7 March 2011
out of love for the woman next to me (Emmets side)
Harsh triggers for self harm and gneranly upsetting chapter. Please be safe
Out of love for the women next to me
“Relax your legs and take some big deep breaths for me.” I said turning my voice to the hypnotic calm one I had been perfecting over the years for situations like this. It was so calm it had been misunderstood for not caring before but the approach always worked the best for me. There was no pressure with apparent lack of emotion it made it sound like it didn’t matter if the battle was won or lost of course making it a lot easier to fight.
“I’m Ok, I’m Ok, I’m OK.” Esmee said softly under her breath her eyes tightly closed as she breathed in through her nose and out of her mouth in as calm as possible as she could manage. It was amazing to watch her fight. Her courage. No one could no the kind of monsters she was really facing inside of her and no one would know unless they had fort it them self’s it was only going to get worse .
“Yep your doing fine.” I encouraged gently as I rubbed the muscles on the back of her legs trying to make them relax even slightly if nothing else just to stop her getting cramp which from experience I new made it worse.
“Come on make these legs go floppy.” I encouraged again.
“I’m trying.” Esmee whispered weekly as she absentmindedly scraped her fingernails across one of her arms and in a classic example of taking my work home with me a reacted like I would there and pulled her hand away. To my dismay her reaction was the same as any client as she growled grinding her teeth snatching her hand away from mine leaving the same burning pain as before.
“I’m sorry. I’m so sorry. I know I am being a cow but it hurts and I need it to stop OK So let me! Pleas let me!” Esmee begged opening her eyes to reveal the torture that danced in them as she began to rock her body back and forth her breathing accelerating into silent hyperventilation as the top half of her body trembled making her back arch against the invisible binds that she felt closing in around her.
“You want me to allow you to cut your self again?” I asked gripping her leg a bit to tightly with my hands as I realised what she was asking of me. She waned my permission to let her destroy her body. It felt like she was asking me to stab her in the chest. I new the answer I wanted to yell in her face I new what I wanted to do. I could have her on the floor in seconds restraining her with no problem at all and I could keep her that way until she was safe from her self weather it took hours or days but I also new that would cause her more pain then she was all ready in and her fight against self harm wouldn’t be hers any more and she wouldn’t be my wife either just a psyceatric patient on any ward but that didn’t stop me from wanting to tell her that she would hart her again tonight when hell freezes over. I wanted to turn into a baby and scream and cry at her not to do it and the worse out of all of them the one I hated my self the most for. I wanted to run away.
“Please Emmet I know it is so much to ask but I need the pain to go away. I need to break these elastic bands. I need to fill the void in my chest because I can’t breath and it hurts.” Esmee sobbed in what sounded like true agony as she wrapped her arms around her chest and rocked her self faster her stiff fingers pimping her hands in and out against her leg.
I did not what to say what I was going for. It would make me responsible for an act of violence it would make me the culprit of something dark and terrible but it was also the only answer I could give out of love for the woman next to me.
“If that is what you truly want I wont stop you. I don’t want you to. God I want you to fight this with me but if you can’t I understand. I am not leaving you though. As selfish as it might be I wont let you be alone and cut your self. I have seen to many harmers lose control completely and go to deep and end up killing them self’s and that I can’t let you do. I won’t lose you but if cutting is what you need to do then I won’t stop you. I don’t want you to cut your self though Esmee but it will be no victory if I win a fight for you by destroying you but I won’t let go without pleading with you not to. I know it hurts you and I hate to see you in this kind of pain but please fight this a bit longer don’t give in not yet. Fight these creatures that haunt you and win. Fight them with me.
Out of love for the women next to me
“Relax your legs and take some big deep breaths for me.” I said turning my voice to the hypnotic calm one I had been perfecting over the years for situations like this. It was so calm it had been misunderstood for not caring before but the approach always worked the best for me. There was no pressure with apparent lack of emotion it made it sound like it didn’t matter if the battle was won or lost of course making it a lot easier to fight.
“I’m Ok, I’m Ok, I’m OK.” Esmee said softly under her breath her eyes tightly closed as she breathed in through her nose and out of her mouth in as calm as possible as she could manage. It was amazing to watch her fight. Her courage. No one could no the kind of monsters she was really facing inside of her and no one would know unless they had fort it them self’s it was only going to get worse .
“Yep your doing fine.” I encouraged gently as I rubbed the muscles on the back of her legs trying to make them relax even slightly if nothing else just to stop her getting cramp which from experience I new made it worse.
“Come on make these legs go floppy.” I encouraged again.
“I’m trying.” Esmee whispered weekly as she absentmindedly scraped her fingernails across one of her arms and in a classic example of taking my work home with me a reacted like I would there and pulled her hand away. To my dismay her reaction was the same as any client as she growled grinding her teeth snatching her hand away from mine leaving the same burning pain as before.
“I’m sorry. I’m so sorry. I know I am being a cow but it hurts and I need it to stop OK So let me! Pleas let me!” Esmee begged opening her eyes to reveal the torture that danced in them as she began to rock her body back and forth her breathing accelerating into silent hyperventilation as the top half of her body trembled making her back arch against the invisible binds that she felt closing in around her.
“You want me to allow you to cut your self again?” I asked gripping her leg a bit to tightly with my hands as I realised what she was asking of me. She waned my permission to let her destroy her body. It felt like she was asking me to stab her in the chest. I new the answer I wanted to yell in her face I new what I wanted to do. I could have her on the floor in seconds restraining her with no problem at all and I could keep her that way until she was safe from her self weather it took hours or days but I also new that would cause her more pain then she was all ready in and her fight against self harm wouldn’t be hers any more and she wouldn’t be my wife either just a psyceatric patient on any ward but that didn’t stop me from wanting to tell her that she would hart her again tonight when hell freezes over. I wanted to turn into a baby and scream and cry at her not to do it and the worse out of all of them the one I hated my self the most for. I wanted to run away.
“Please Emmet I know it is so much to ask but I need the pain to go away. I need to break these elastic bands. I need to fill the void in my chest because I can’t breath and it hurts.” Esmee sobbed in what sounded like true agony as she wrapped her arms around her chest and rocked her self faster her stiff fingers pimping her hands in and out against her leg.
I did not what to say what I was going for. It would make me responsible for an act of violence it would make me the culprit of something dark and terrible but it was also the only answer I could give out of love for the woman next to me.
“If that is what you truly want I wont stop you. I don’t want you to. God I want you to fight this with me but if you can’t I understand. I am not leaving you though. As selfish as it might be I wont let you be alone and cut your self. I have seen to many harmers lose control completely and go to deep and end up killing them self’s and that I can’t let you do. I won’t lose you but if cutting is what you need to do then I won’t stop you. I don’t want you to cut your self though Esmee but it will be no victory if I win a fight for you by destroying you but I won’t let go without pleading with you not to. I know it hurts you and I hate to see you in this kind of pain but please fight this a bit longer don’t give in not yet. Fight these creatures that haunt you and win. Fight them with me.
Sunday, 6 March 2011
Round two (Emmets side)
Extream trigger but i hope that it is OK i am not sure about it as a chapter. please be extra carefule before reading through i mean it the trigger in this is really bad. I triggered my self writing it so it is heavy.
Round two
“I am sorry that I am hurting you.” I said softly as I gently dabbed at Esmee’s wounds with a piece of gauze and her face flinched.
“You are very gentle.” Esmee smiled trying to mask the expression from her face she didn’t want to hurt me any more today just like I didn’t want to hurt her.
“This one would heal better with stitches.” I said pushing the sides of the wounds together and frowning as the skin parted again when I let go.”
“I know.”
“Your not going to let me drive you to the hospital though are you?” I said frowning again as I dabbed a line of fresh blood away that come from the open wound
“How about no.” She said firmly her eyes going into slits as she scrutinised my face.
“All right, all right miss scary” I said “I will try and hold it with steri-strips. I said smiling as she rearranged her face back to normal rather then a scowl.
“How are you feeling?” I asked this time cautiously as I looked away from her face and concentrated on trying to get the steri-strips to close the wide wound together.
“The original feeling before I did this or now?”
“Both, always both. I want to know everything that goes on it your head but unfortunately I am not a mind reader.”
“Now? I just feel stupid. I hate the fact that I have effectively flushed my recovery away. I hate my self for the fact that not only did I cut my self I cut my self in front of you, that must have been so hard for you to see.”
“It isn’t the easiest thing to watch.” I admitted flinching internally as my mind replayed the image of Esmee pressing the blade into her skin and dragging It back until there where gaping holes in her flesh even worse was the content that registered on her face afterwards. The tranquil calm. Such devastation in my eyes brought her the relief and peace that I couldn’t of gave to her at that stage. I couldn’t make her feel as good as the sharpness of a razor on her skin.
“I am sorry. I really am. I told you to leave. I new it was past the stage of coming back from. I new I was going to cut and I tried to wait until you left the room but I literally couldn’t hold myself there any longer I had to cut and if I was going to have to hurt you to do it I was going to have to so that. I was so desperate for that relief.” Esmee said her breath almost a gasp as her hands clenched up into tight balls and her legs went completely ridged under my hands. Her eyes closed tight as she attacked her bottom lip with her teeth before holding her breath.
I didn’t need to be a mid reader then to see inside Esmee’s head. As to the cause of her sudden stiffness her sudden attack on her lip. It was time for round two but this time I was there and I was going to kick it’s Ass!
Round two
“I am sorry that I am hurting you.” I said softly as I gently dabbed at Esmee’s wounds with a piece of gauze and her face flinched.
“You are very gentle.” Esmee smiled trying to mask the expression from her face she didn’t want to hurt me any more today just like I didn’t want to hurt her.
“This one would heal better with stitches.” I said pushing the sides of the wounds together and frowning as the skin parted again when I let go.”
“I know.”
“Your not going to let me drive you to the hospital though are you?” I said frowning again as I dabbed a line of fresh blood away that come from the open wound
“How about no.” She said firmly her eyes going into slits as she scrutinised my face.
“All right, all right miss scary” I said “I will try and hold it with steri-strips. I said smiling as she rearranged her face back to normal rather then a scowl.
“How are you feeling?” I asked this time cautiously as I looked away from her face and concentrated on trying to get the steri-strips to close the wide wound together.
“The original feeling before I did this or now?”
“Both, always both. I want to know everything that goes on it your head but unfortunately I am not a mind reader.”
“Now? I just feel stupid. I hate the fact that I have effectively flushed my recovery away. I hate my self for the fact that not only did I cut my self I cut my self in front of you, that must have been so hard for you to see.”
“It isn’t the easiest thing to watch.” I admitted flinching internally as my mind replayed the image of Esmee pressing the blade into her skin and dragging It back until there where gaping holes in her flesh even worse was the content that registered on her face afterwards. The tranquil calm. Such devastation in my eyes brought her the relief and peace that I couldn’t of gave to her at that stage. I couldn’t make her feel as good as the sharpness of a razor on her skin.
“I am sorry. I really am. I told you to leave. I new it was past the stage of coming back from. I new I was going to cut and I tried to wait until you left the room but I literally couldn’t hold myself there any longer I had to cut and if I was going to have to hurt you to do it I was going to have to so that. I was so desperate for that relief.” Esmee said her breath almost a gasp as her hands clenched up into tight balls and her legs went completely ridged under my hands. Her eyes closed tight as she attacked her bottom lip with her teeth before holding her breath.
I didn’t need to be a mid reader then to see inside Esmee’s head. As to the cause of her sudden stiffness her sudden attack on her lip. It was time for round two but this time I was there and I was going to kick it’s Ass!
Don't trust me, I am not like you (Mi's side)
Possably a mild trigger warning should be given here.
Don’t trust me, I am not like you.
Are you all right MI what are you doing on the floor?” Summer asked in her usual cheerful tone as I felt her hand touch the top of my arm. “Aren’t you meant to be with Emmet for a hour at the moment?”
“Yeah I moaned trying to look up and smile at Summer but failed “I just felt a bit dizzy so I thought I would sit down I will be OK soon.”
“You do look a little pale. Your not going to fait on me are you Mi? I much prefer you when you are conscious.” Summer said grumpy and though I wasn’t look at her I could tell her face would be set into a scowl.
“I will be ok just give me a second.” I reassured as best as I could looking up for a split second and smiling at summer.
“I’m going to go and get Emmet just in case. He unlike me has a nursing degree so can sort you out if you faint and he unlike me has muscles like the increasable hulk so can pick you up off of the floor, though mind you a two year old could pick you up off of the floor.” Summer babbled more to her self now then to me. Summer talked to much. She was annoying that was plane to see but I liked her kind of annoying it showed me some people where OK some people could still smile even if there world was disintegrating around them. I wished I was someone like Summer.
“Mi you no the deal no hiding from me and making me do my job right after food, you know I like to nap when I am, full.” Emmet shouted loudly in his joking voice as he walked out though that kitchen it was when he saw me of course that voice changed and I wished it wouldn’t. Emmet was so full of like and so joyful until I ruined it.
“Mi are you ok? What you doing on the floor? Are you hurt?” Emmet asked his voice softer and deep in his concern. I wanted to crawl away and hide in a hole. If Sophie wasn’t giving up with the battle then I was. I did not know how to live with out her but like to fighting fish in a tank there was no way we would ever tolerate each other, it would always land up as a fight to the death. The funny thing was I would win and I would lose all at the same time. By killing my self I would kill the monster within by slitting my wrists I was of course effectively taking a blade to hers. I had to be the sacrifice. I had to sacrifice my self to save my self. So I would win but I would die too meaning I had lost.
“She said she was feeling faint.” Summer said standing in for my lack of voice. “I was about to come and get you but you seem to have found her.”
“Are you feeling poorly?” Emmet asked concerned as he placed two steady fingers at the pause in my wrist her counted gently under his breath and I joined in. These beats where numbered tonight they wouldn’t be there any more as they slipped my cold dead body into the morgue draw. I wanted to be DOA so there was no chance of them saving me. So I was going to have to cut true deep and quick, no excuses.
“Thanks for all your help summer but do you think you could give us some space?” Emmet asked nicely to Summer when I did not give him an answer to his question. I didn’t know what I felt. Relief she was back to save me. Scared, I new what she could do and what If Esmee wasn’t there when she did it? Could I just simply fall forever? Which I learnt ages ago is actually worse then hitting the bottom. The falling is where all the feelings collide. The bottom is where they end
“Sure. I will go and see what delights will be brought to us in a shade of Green I never new existed tonight. You a big lad Emmet can’t you decadently throw the thing down the stares or something?”
“The thought has crossed my mind.” Emmet smiled before Summer smiled back and left through the door.
“So What’s the problem then Mi? You really feeling faint or is there a bigger picture?”
“I…I fell.” I stuttered trying to think of something to keep Emmet away from the truth. The only problem was my lying skills where almost non existent when it came to Emmet.
“Did I mention the fact that I was called Mrs Haberdasher on my days off?” Emmet asked sarcastically a hint of laughter in his voice.
“I am surprised Esmee’s bras fit.” I said allowing my self to smile as I glanced up at Emmet’s face through a curtain of my hair.
“So the real reason this time if you don’t mind or I will drag you to the clinic.”
“I just felt a bit sick that’s all.” I said this time trying to make the lie opaque as possible and as I did almost I believed in my self. He wouldn’t see through that and a part of that made me sad I made him earn my trust all the time and he never let me down yet he couldn’t trust me at all. I would always land up lying to him.
Don’t trust me, I am not like you.
Are you all right MI what are you doing on the floor?” Summer asked in her usual cheerful tone as I felt her hand touch the top of my arm. “Aren’t you meant to be with Emmet for a hour at the moment?”
“Yeah I moaned trying to look up and smile at Summer but failed “I just felt a bit dizzy so I thought I would sit down I will be OK soon.”
“You do look a little pale. Your not going to fait on me are you Mi? I much prefer you when you are conscious.” Summer said grumpy and though I wasn’t look at her I could tell her face would be set into a scowl.
“I will be ok just give me a second.” I reassured as best as I could looking up for a split second and smiling at summer.
“I’m going to go and get Emmet just in case. He unlike me has a nursing degree so can sort you out if you faint and he unlike me has muscles like the increasable hulk so can pick you up off of the floor, though mind you a two year old could pick you up off of the floor.” Summer babbled more to her self now then to me. Summer talked to much. She was annoying that was plane to see but I liked her kind of annoying it showed me some people where OK some people could still smile even if there world was disintegrating around them. I wished I was someone like Summer.
“Mi you no the deal no hiding from me and making me do my job right after food, you know I like to nap when I am, full.” Emmet shouted loudly in his joking voice as he walked out though that kitchen it was when he saw me of course that voice changed and I wished it wouldn’t. Emmet was so full of like and so joyful until I ruined it.
“Mi are you ok? What you doing on the floor? Are you hurt?” Emmet asked his voice softer and deep in his concern. I wanted to crawl away and hide in a hole. If Sophie wasn’t giving up with the battle then I was. I did not know how to live with out her but like to fighting fish in a tank there was no way we would ever tolerate each other, it would always land up as a fight to the death. The funny thing was I would win and I would lose all at the same time. By killing my self I would kill the monster within by slitting my wrists I was of course effectively taking a blade to hers. I had to be the sacrifice. I had to sacrifice my self to save my self. So I would win but I would die too meaning I had lost.
“She said she was feeling faint.” Summer said standing in for my lack of voice. “I was about to come and get you but you seem to have found her.”
“Are you feeling poorly?” Emmet asked concerned as he placed two steady fingers at the pause in my wrist her counted gently under his breath and I joined in. These beats where numbered tonight they wouldn’t be there any more as they slipped my cold dead body into the morgue draw. I wanted to be DOA so there was no chance of them saving me. So I was going to have to cut true deep and quick, no excuses.
“Thanks for all your help summer but do you think you could give us some space?” Emmet asked nicely to Summer when I did not give him an answer to his question. I didn’t know what I felt. Relief she was back to save me. Scared, I new what she could do and what If Esmee wasn’t there when she did it? Could I just simply fall forever? Which I learnt ages ago is actually worse then hitting the bottom. The falling is where all the feelings collide. The bottom is where they end
“Sure. I will go and see what delights will be brought to us in a shade of Green I never new existed tonight. You a big lad Emmet can’t you decadently throw the thing down the stares or something?”
“The thought has crossed my mind.” Emmet smiled before Summer smiled back and left through the door.
“So What’s the problem then Mi? You really feeling faint or is there a bigger picture?”
“I…I fell.” I stuttered trying to think of something to keep Emmet away from the truth. The only problem was my lying skills where almost non existent when it came to Emmet.
“Did I mention the fact that I was called Mrs Haberdasher on my days off?” Emmet asked sarcastically a hint of laughter in his voice.
“I am surprised Esmee’s bras fit.” I said allowing my self to smile as I glanced up at Emmet’s face through a curtain of my hair.
“So the real reason this time if you don’t mind or I will drag you to the clinic.”
“I just felt a bit sick that’s all.” I said this time trying to make the lie opaque as possible and as I did almost I believed in my self. He wouldn’t see through that and a part of that made me sad I made him earn my trust all the time and he never let me down yet he couldn’t trust me at all. I would always land up lying to him.
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