Give me a chance and i will become Mi again, Who will remember me, Life on eath is ending (Mi's side)

THESE CHAPTERS ARE TRIGGERING AND HORABLEY GRAPHIC AT TIMES. I KNOW I SHOULD OF CALMED THEM DOWN A BIT BUT I WANTED TO SHOW THAT THERE WAS NOTHING ROMANTIC ABOUT SUICIDE. PLEASE BE SAFE I DON'T WANT TO GET ANY ONE UPSET.

Give me a chance and I will become Mi again
Emmet as I expected took my lie as fact so did every other person that asked the same question and the worst thing the more I lied the easier it became. In the space of I few hours I built another wall and made another mask managing somehow to hide behind them all and it wasn’t hard I could become (if I wasn’t in apple gate any more) the Mi I used to be. If I tried hard I could get all the grade Back up. I could be A plus . I could be focused I could be all they ever wanted from me and more but I didn’t have to try for long and the time had come. The day had faded and the lights on the unit had taken over the sun. I had eaten all the crap that was put in front of me. I even tried to read some of the book that I hadn’t picked up in weeks. I smiled I laughed and every so often I laid my hand over my chest and felt of the little tiny razor hidden in the secret pocket of my bra. With it there it made it easier to go on. It made it easier to realized that even though I could manage days I just needed hours. Hours where more then simple.

“Checks!” Esmee announced swinging through the door by the door frame and smiling as she looked at my relaxed position on the bad. That of course was also a lie I had the time planed. This was Esmee’s forth check of the night. I had laughed and I had smiled with her, I had told her that I was OK and now was to put the real bit of the plan into action. I was just going to cut in the room. Long and deep but that never really helped they always found me and always carted me off in the back of an ambulance. Tonight I was doing it properly. In the bath hot water and tears turning red. I wanted it to be romantic but I new it wouldn’t be but most off all I just wanted it to be over.
Who will remember me?“Esmee I am going to go and have a bath OK.” I said smiling sweetly trying to make her heart melt. I haven’t had a bath since I got here and I used to really love baths.” I said smiling before getting up and stretching and grabbing the towel off the end of the bed and pulling it over my shoulder.

“That’s great honey it is good to do things that you like. I am going to come and check on you in fifteen minutes but I wont come in Ok so I will just shout through the door you just have to tell me that you are OK."

“That’s really good. Thanks. I will be OK though I am fine .” I said smiling though something in my chest felt heavy. Esmee was beautiful her sparkling black eyes her waving bouncing deep red shoulder length hair that smelt of sweet strawberries her pale soft touch skin and her rosy cheeks made her the most perfect thing. The way she walked and the way she talked. She was the mother that I had always wanted the mother I should have had.

It was going to hurt to lose her and standing there looking at her loving eyes and her smiling face I nearly changed her mind I nearly reached into my bra and placed the sharp steal deadly blade into her hand. Would she be the one to finally find me when I didn’t answer at the checks? Would she be the one to place her hands under my arm pits and pull me up out of the bath on to the ground. Would she have to be the one to press her mouth up against mine and try and breath for me? Would she be the one to press the palms of her hands down though my ribs to make my heart beat? Would she cry her tears over my stone dead blood drained body and if I died today would she remember me tomorrow?
Life on earth is endingThe bath water felt like it burned me as I stepped in and sat down in the water the heat making me gasp slightly as it turned the skin on my legs pink but I new the water needed to be hot to stop the blood clotting to soon.

I plunged my plastered hand under the water and tugged hard at the cast that encased my arm till it slipped off into the water exposing both of my arms. I would cut my one good arm first with the limited use of my first wrist trying this time to miss the tenants and then I would cut my bad arm. I had no idea how to start with my legs but I would head for the femoral artery they bleed a lot apparently.

There was nothing that I would miss about the world I wanted to be out. There was no one to miss me. No one to care no one to live for. My baby died because I was not strong enough to protect him from the monsters in my house. My sister rolled off of the side of the road and died inches from my face there was no family left form me no one for me to cling to and I didn’t want to survive any more I wanted to be with them.

Slowly and carefully I pressed the side of the blade down against my arms and dragged them back across the delicate blue veins under the water. The blood pumped out fast turning the water a deep red before going on to the other wrist and doing the same thing again making the blood pump quicker. My head span with the weight of what I had just done was this going to work now? Was this the last seconds of my life? Would the jade green textured walls be the last colours that flash before my eyes was the disgusting smell of anti-septic toilet cleaner going to be the last strong smell to burn in my noise and the back of my throat because I didn’t want that there was nothing romantic about the searing pain in my wrists there was nothing romantic about the way the vision in my eyes swirled uncomfortably in front of my eyes or the fact that my teeth chattered so violently even though my body felt like it was on fire. It was just plane humiliating that I was sure I had just wet my self in the bath because of the pain and the chattering of my teeth and utterly disgusting that I didn’t even have the energy left to hold my head over the side of the bath before I vomited so it just fell out of my mouth and smeared over my chest before floating in the deep red water.

“Arabella I’m coming now. Oscar Mummy’s coming to look after you at last I whispered trying to block out the part that told my to use the last of my energy to scream for help that this wasn’t actually the way to die drowning in a tub full of your own blood sick and urine but I thought that at least it was a way and I had never felt like I did then. I was going to die become the number on a page for so many but it didn’t matter because I was going with the people who really cared. I was going to be able to hold my son for the first time, to rest in Arabella’s arms and I new there I would never feel no pain. Suicide was painful and humiliating but it would be over soon if only I could endure it so with the last of my little strength I slashed the blade down across the side of my leg roughly where the femoral artery was and sank under the bloody water the world around me going black as Arabella focused in the front of my mind. I was home at last