(Esmee) The elastic band (Mi's side

OK this chapter is really dark and it shows a very fragile Esmee. For that reasion i would imagine it could be quite triggering in gemral as Esmee is normal quite strong. Also i would think there is a trigger for Eating disorders in here. So as always guyes stay safe, enjoy and let me know what you think.
P.s Mi's POV will be coming back soon. I know you all miss her but i really enjoy exploring the other characters emotions so i am going to paly a bit more. Ha ha ha.

The elastic band
In the office a chair had been knocked over when Jean had reacted to my RRA. She had not stopped to pick it up. It was a common joke around the walls of the staff office that if Esmee used her RRA there was big trouble and tonight there was we had almost lost one.

With shaking hands I gently tipped the chair the right way round and tucked it back in under the desk. After that I walked on past and into the staff toilet and shower that was at the end of the room.

The bathroom was green like the one upstairs and it was the only place that remained cold in the unit no matter what the weather was out side. Not really thinking of what I was doing I knelt gently on the floor next to the toilet and smoothed my fingers over the plastic of the seat before lifting it up placing my fingers gently against the white bowel underneath and sighing closing my eyes gently waiting for the nausea that churned in my stomach to crawl angrily up my throat but I didn’t it just stayed there eating a whole inside of me making my world spin so much I couldn’t stand it. So I would do what I had to do to make it go away.

I always kept and elastic band around my wrist. A discreet tool to help me when I needed it. One elastic band could help so much at any moment I could give my self a short snap with it across the back of my wrist when people where not looking and make my urges disappear. I a self harmer. There was a time not so long ago when I would of said recovered but I found that word made to much pressure, I had to stick with recovering. From the first cut I made I sighed on the line to never feel the same again. All I could really do was fight it and beat it when ever I had too and when I failed tell my self that tomorrow was the start of a new dawn. The tomorrow I could and would make it OK.

The elastic band could be given out to the harmers around the unit when they needed it. When something had to distract them quick I could peal the thing off of my wrist and put it on theirs supervising them as they flicked the rubber against there wrists. Sometimes it worked and sometimes it didn’t but the times when it did where magical.

Finally the elastic band had one more use to me. I never by choice wore my hair up but sometimes my hair got in the way and in these situations it could also be used as a hair band.
Taking the elastic band from around my wrist I tied my hair up behind my head and then gripped the side of the toilet bowel hard with my left hand watching as the knuckles went white. There was nothing right about what I was about to do I new this and it shouted at me form every direction. The first time I did this it changed my entire life forever and the last time it changed it all again for the better, but I couldn’t help it. I just felt too sick. So with out any more time to think I closed my eyes tightly closed took my right hand and shoved my middle and index as far back down my throat as possible until the nausea left my stomach and splattered violently into the toilet bowel making me feel better inside. Making the night mare that had just unfolded a distant dream. Making me as empty as I felt.