(Esmee) Responsible, Underwater sleeping and patient 264 (Mi's side)

Responsible
“You have done all this before haven’t you Esmee. From the other side of the fence.” Jean said smiling as she put the folder down on the desk and signalled for me to do the same thing even though  I had all ready done so as my breathing was accelerating beyond what was normal and my hands shock so I bunched them into fists before biting on my lip.
 I had not told anyone here other then Emmet that Apple gate house used to be my home. For over a year it used to be where I did everything and everything I said was true. I silently begged for every member of staff to hug me when they watched me cry. I hated it the most when I had lost all the control that I fort for and I was spread eagle on the floor and my whole body screaming and every member of staff around me had the power over me. I hated it when the needle of the syringe pricked in my bum cheek but worse still was when the room swam around and though your whole body fort the sleep you new that your eyes would close and you would be a tiny thin half naked little girl sleeping on the floor on show for the world to see.

“I won’t tell any one Esmee I promise you that. I am sorry I must of sounded like a insensitive bitch.” Jean said pulling her self off of the chair and moving over the room towards my desk before placing her hand on my shoulder.

“Emmet found me on the street with an oesophagus that was ruptured in four different places. I cut so much and so deep that I nearly lost all of my natural blood and it was all replaced by blood in bags. God known’s how many blood dinners saved my life that day with out them and the people who worked on me I would of died it was a miracle for me to survive at all but before I went unconscious Emmet told me that he loved me and I survived for him.”

“Here chicken.” Jean said handing me a box of the usual sand paper tissues that where scattered around every hospital that you went in ready and waiting for any tears that where to be shed, but they shouldn’t be my tears. They should be the tears of patients tears of the relatives not tears of the nurses we had to be the strong points, the people who did not need the tissues.

“Jean I am sorry, I shouldn’t be upset.” I said discarding the crumbling tissue using the side of my hand instead.

“It’s just whenever I here someone say I can be to compassionate. I think of a million and one things on how I could help more because the things that happened to me will haunt me forever and I don’t want the same things to haunt them too.” I moaned trying to use the technique that that I had learned to help me fight off the memories I didn’t want to have. There was a time and place to deal with things and in work when I was meant to be looking after a lot of people. When I was responsible for checking on them was not the right time.

“Oh, shit, fuck, damn and crap! Checks! I am meant to be doing checks! Mi’s in the bath and it’s been thirty minutes.” I yelled jumping to my feet rushing to the door.
“If anything happened I swear I will never forgive my self!”

Underwater sleeping
“Mi, Mi it’s Esmee.” I said knocking hard on the bathroom door while shouting.
“I am sorry it has been so long. I got caught up but I have come to check to see if you are OK.” I said in apologetic voice to the door but there was no response in fact there was no noise from inside of the bathroom at all, no running water no splashing, It was silent like no one was in there. Like she wasn’t in there.
.”Mi!” I shouted louder now trying to twist the lock in the door with my fingers. They where meant to be quick accesses locks and they where when people’s hands where no shaking like mine where now.


“Mi I am coming in.” I yelled again finally managing to get the lock open and barge into the room where I ran over to the bath.

Mi was under the bath water that was now red with vomit floating around on the top and I recalled slightly my mind going fuzzy as I almost threw up over my self. I new how to react as a nurse but I was more then that. I new for a long time she meant so much more then that, then patient 264 Mia Rose Dorado. She was Mi a fighter, a survivor in her own way but she had no idea she was and she had a smile that when she used it lit up a room and she made me laugh and she even though her world was dark she hung onto hope but now it looked like she had proven us all wrong. Her tiny body still small but growling with the nourishment we had given her was under blood red water sleeping.
 Patient 264Suddenly my nursing instincts kicked in and I reached into the water grabbing her from under the arms and pulling her up and out of the bath onto the floor and onto her back. She looked barely human now though. Her lips a watery blood stained blue with mucus and vomit congealing them together. her skin a pasty white and her eyes closed gently though the lids where no purple. There was no colour to her cheeks. She was bleeding arterially from both wrists and there was a deep long cut on her leg that might of hit the femoral artery but the blood wasn’t pumping now normally with arterial bleeds this would be a good thing but here it wasn’t. it should have been pumping out but of course there was no heart beat to make the blood pump out. There was no breath coming from her blue lips. For all intense and purposes she was dead and cold on the floor worse still fifteen minutes earlier and I might of got to her.

“Help! Help in the bathroom! Help me! Please god help me!! I yelled smashing the RRA on my wrist that I normally never used. “She isn’t breathing!” I yelled again before dropping to my knees and next to her body and wiping off her lips with my fingers before tilting back her head and opening her mouth for now I took a deep breath and cleared my mind. For now Mi the fighter with the perfect smile that lighted up a room The little sixteen year old girl that I loved like I did my own daughter in so many ways had to become Patient 264 Mia Rose Dorado. She had too become nothing to me. if I was going to save her I had to be prepared for her to die.