I can't fight you so i will fight myself and Self medicating (Mi's side0

Rubish chapters. I am sorry but it will get better soon.

I can’t fight you so I will fight myself.
“I can help get rid of Sophie. There are tablets that will reduce her so she isn’t so distracting, So she isn’t so scary maybe.”

“The drugs don’t work. You told me that last ones would make me feel better. I don’t feel any better.”

“Anti depressants can need lots of adjusting that is why I am going to start you on a mixture of two new ones and I am going to add in a mild Anti-psychotic as well that will help with Sophie. I am also referring you for a PEG tube. I was hoping that we wouldn’t be have to do that but NG’s have a limited time for usage and you are still not eating properly so we have to think of a more permanent way to keep you fed.” Doctor Jordan said turning away going over to the fish tank where he absantmidedly gave the eager goldfish some food.


“I don’t want it!” I said sternly shaking my head. “You can’t make me have an operation with out my consent to have a tube put in!” I shouted.

“No you are right we can’t right away but we can go to court order and then we can force you to. You are of course will be able to come as well depending on your observations at the time and we will be more then happy to arrange a solicitor for you as well Mi if you want to fight it.” Dr Jordan said calmly getting fed up with the fish and going over to one of the filling cabinets to look for someones sad life story.

His words meant nothing. I could go to court and I could try to fight them but there was no way I could win. I was one girl and not just that I was one girl in a children’s mental health unit. I was a nothing and I was a no one. I had been cut and I had tried to kill my self and everything would be taken away form me even if I fort it so what was the point.

It was then that I saw it on his desk. before then I hadn’t been looking. So I wouldn’t of seen it because it was well hidden under a pile of giant post its but he had done this to me, he had made me feel so hopeless and it was true that there was probably no for me to fight them and win so I would do the next best thing, the thing I new to do well and I would fight my self, so as quick as lightning I reached forward and grabbed the pencil sharpener and squeezed it into my fist. It didn’t matter what they did now. I was going to be OK.
Self medicating.“I will get the PEG. If that is what you recommend I will get it done.” I said softly swallowing hard before slipping the pencil sharpener down into my bra and allowing my lips to smile.
The feeling was electric. The feeling was amazing and I could hardly sit still with as the new found feeling swept over me now all I had to do was stay on the lowest observations as possible the more time I had between checks the more damage I could inflict.

“That’s good.” Doctor Jordan said smiling looking back at me and I will start yo
u on the new tablets from tomorrow and hopefully they will help you OK, maybe we can start to get you feeling a little bit better. I will reduce your observations to fifteen minute checks during the day and when you are sleeping I will put them down to half an hour checks. Are you happy with that?” Doctor Jordan asked.

It was better then I expected if I did it at night and timed it right I could have half an hour with the razor. I could half an hour with my new friend and if I was lucky that would be enough.

“That is great thank you.” I said spreading my best smile across my face which made him smile to. This was the side of me every one wanted to see and the end of it all Doctor Jordan was not very cleaver I could make him happy and I could make him concerned and now I had put him at ease and I only had to act until every one thought I was sleeping that night then I could make it better then I could start my own self medication.