I'm back (Mi's side)

Triggering, take care  also sorry about wiered italics at the end when they shouldn't be once again the blog is having a hissy at my bad grammer. *grumbels*

I’m back
I ate lunch uncharacteristically quickly going for the pan that if I did it quick and I didn’t taste the food there wouldn’t be a time to worry about it and for the first time ever I was finished before most of the people on the table and for the first time in an even longer time unless I throw up in the next hour my feeding tube would not be needed.

“You have done so well!” Emmet smiled cheerfully giving me his normal squeeze on the leg as the Echo finally pushed her barely eaten plate of food away from her and Ava sighed, all her encouragement had barely done anything and one again the NG would come to good use.

“Have you finished Echo?” Emmet inquired gently a few minutes later as the chatter around the table got louder so no one would here his question. Echo nodded slowly swallowing hard as she looked again at her hardly touched plate of food.
“If you go with Ava now then she will sort you out if that is OK.” Emmet said again gently before raising his voice over the crowds and asking every one to go and place all the cups and plates in the little client kitchen.
“Are you all right to help we wipe the table Mi or are you needing to be somewhere else right now?” Emmet asked me as every one else scraped their chairs back across the lino and made there way to the kitchen.

“No problem I nodded grabbing my own plate and Emmet’s before following out the door with every one else.

I thought about running after I came back out of the kitchen and into the hall way. I new I was meant to spend an hour with someone and that wad probably meant to be Emmet but I also new there was a toilet just back though that door and to the right. There was a good chance I could make my self sick and get back quickly before anyone noticed but there was also a good chance my body would go into a frenzie and refuse to leave until I was puking up nothing but blood and that would take to long.

I stood back against the cold wall and closed my eyes for a few seconds breathing in deep long breaths trying to think things through properly. I wanted both. I wanted to puke now but I wanted to cut later as well. I wanted the beautiful red to seep from arms and splash into the sheet below making all my sin slip away making all my hurt disappear but I so wanted to be empty as well. Vomiting would help, vomiting would make me fell better about everything but it wasn’t as good as steal on my skin it wasn’t as magical as making my pain leave and vomiting also had more very important disadvantage, it wouldn’t kill me, and that was the plan. The blade had more then just hurting to do to night the blade had to finish the job it had to kill me and by throwing up and causing a seen I would ruin my happy ending. because they would obviously put me back onto some ridiculous observation.

“Please don’t tell me fat bitch it has come to that! You used to be dedicated and now look at you fat and full and vile. There use to be a time when you would fight a meal like a solder on the front line and you just sat there and ate it. Fat cow. Fat selfish cow. After all I had done for you after all the things I tried and you keep betraying me, but you know you need me right? You know I am your only friend.”

“Sophie.” I gasped pulling my eyes open at the sound of her voice digging into me again I was almost sick where I stood and I tried to find a latch on the wall behind me where I could hold my self as my legs suddenly wobbled underneath me.

“Hello Mia. Did you really think I would just disappear?" Sophie hissed her voice an evil whisper  "Did you really think little Esmee could keep me away?”

My legs wobbled more and I dropped to the floor folding my legs up to my face and placed my shaking hands over my ears as my whole world turned into Sophie’s Echoing chant in my head