(Esmee) To not lose you. (Mi's side)

To not lose you.

"I don't want to lie
Sayin' it's alright
Starin' at the walls 'round our lives
And are Ten Feet High
No, I'm not dumb."

Andrea corr　

Ten feet high

It was ten o’clock in the morning by the time I come back in the front door after the morning sweep of dropping Mia off at the nursery and Bobby at school after talking to his teacher and I was shattered. Mentally, physically end everything in between. My whole Body ached with a none physical pain that just would not budge and my face hurt from having to smile when inside in a way I was still crying. It had been just over 12 hours since Mi had been removed from the unit barely alive. In these 12 hours they either resuscitated her and she was somewhere alone in a bed on ICU or they would of called time of death and she would of died just how she had lived her life alone and scared.

“How are you feeling my love?” Emmet asked gently as I wrapped my self up onto the sofa next to him and blankly watched the pictures that moved across the television screen. There was nothing of any importance on Emmet had only be using it for back ground noise. Silence didn’t fit comfortably with any of us.

“It is heard to explain.” I mumbled

“Safe?”

“Yeah I ‘m safe.”

“I am sorry I fell asleep last night my love.” Emmet said reaching out his and wrapping it around mine giving it a light squeeze which I returned.

“It’s OK Em. I was OK by then any way and you must have been shattered after doing the early shift as well. You needed to sleep. I was on night mode my body thought it had to stay awake that’s why I couldn’t doze off.”

“The unit called Esmee.” Emmet said gently and immediately I tensed every muscle in my body ready to take the hit. There was over a thousand ways Emmet could tell me about Mi’s death. He would be searching for the right one in his head. The one that wouldn’t flatten me in one blow. The truth is though, even if he sugar coated it to an inch or normalness it would still hit the same as if he just turned around and said “Well Mi kicked the bucket.”
 “She is stable but critical. Esmee she is going to be OK.”

My heart should of flipped over in joy, I should of shouted and screamed in joy and danced around the room but even I new what Emmet was saying was shit. Mi would live. That was obviously fantastic but she would most certainly not be OK. Her recovery time would be horrendously long and painful and most of all it wasn’t what she wanted. She would not thank any one for her life. She would hate them, and as soon as she could she would try again to end it. It seemed we where fighting the inevitable.

“Well that is good news.” I said nonchalantly not moving my eyes from the television. I would not cry the tears I needed to cry. Not in front of Emmet again. I asked to much of him and I was a big girl. I would handle It alone.

“Baby your walls are so high that I almost can’t climb them. Can’t you at least build a door and let me in?” Emmet asked squeezing my hand firmly. Was I that see through?"

“what walls Em.” I said turning to look at him applying an award winning smile to my face. “That is good news! Mi is going to be OK. We aren’t going to lose her. What could be better?”

Emmet’s face went paler as he frowned and he scrutinized my face with his eyes before letting his hand drop out of mine. He looked shocked. He looked hurt, he looked betrayed. Had I done this to him?
“Emmet?”
“To not lose you either.”