(Esmee) Made of stone (Mi's side)

Made of stone
The temptation was to make my self sick again. It was wrong I new that. I didn’t know what I would have thought if I walked into a cubical anywhere else and saw a 27 year old senior staff nurse with her fingers lodged down the back of her throat bent on all fours over a toilet. I would like ton think I would understand if she had just done CPR on her potential foster Daughter I would like to think I would understand in any situation but the truth is I probably would just think them unprofessional. So with shaking hands I pulled my self up to standing and pressed the flush on the wall watching as everything swirled away to be forgotten with. This was my pain and my hatred for my self expelled in the only way I could think of and with the press of a button I could wash it away for enough time to get home. It was there I would permit my self to fall apart completely.

“Esmee my love are you in here? I just wanted to tell you me have lots of people on the way and you can head off if you want.” I heard Jean say letting her self into the office.
“Esmee love They are going to try the best for her. She has been blued to the hospital now. The heart monitor showed that her heart was trying to beat for it’s self again but just not quite there but it is a good sign. You know Esmee you might of just saved her life.” Jean said comfortingly her voice full of a congratulations that I did not deserve.

Suddenly the nausea that refused to rise earlier on slammed into the back of my throat and I dropped to my knees in front of the toilet again Arching my back painfully against the heaving while gripping both hands onto the side of the toilet for support as the world around my head started to spin. While in my head I got irate with my self. I should have been able to control this not sarcoma to it.

“Esmee honey. I am going to let my self in OK. Just shout if this isn’t OK.”

I tried to yell my head off at the door behind me but all I could manage was to dry heave into the bowel in front of me. No other member of staff other then Emmet ever got to see me this venerable. I was composed all of the time and even when I wasn’t I had some dignity about it. If tears where to be shed they where always silent and caught into a tissue and those times of emotion where rare. Nurses should be made of stone when it comes to there own personal feelings. If they weren’t things didn’t go right, like Green observation patients going with out checks so they could drown them self’s in the bath.