out of love for the woman next to me (Emmets side)

Harsh triggers for self harm and gneranly upsetting chapter. Please be safe

Out of love for the women next to me

“Relax your legs and take some big deep breaths for me.” I said turning my voice to the hypnotic calm one I had been perfecting over the years for situations like this. It was so calm it had been misunderstood for not caring before but the approach always worked the best for me. There was no pressure with apparent lack of emotion it made it sound like it didn’t matter if the battle was won or lost of course making it a lot easier to fight.

“I’m Ok, I’m Ok, I’m OK.” Esmee said softly under her breath her eyes tightly closed as she breathed in through her nose and out of her mouth in as calm as possible as she could manage. It was amazing to watch her fight. Her courage. No one could no the kind of monsters she was really facing inside of her and no one would know unless they had fort it them self’s it was only going to get worse .

“Yep your doing fine.” I encouraged gently as I rubbed the muscles on the back of her legs trying to make them relax even slightly if nothing else just to stop her getting cramp which from experience I new made it worse.
“Come on make these legs go floppy.” I encouraged again.

“I’m trying.” Esmee whispered weekly as she absentmindedly scraped her fingernails across one of her arms and in a classic example of taking my work home with me a reacted like I would there and pulled her hand away. To my dismay her reaction was the same as any client as she growled grinding her teeth snatching her hand away from mine leaving the same burning pain as before.

“I’m sorry. I’m so sorry. I know I am being a cow but it hurts and I need it to stop OK So let me! Pleas let me!” Esmee begged opening her eyes to reveal the torture that danced in them as she began to rock her body back and forth her breathing accelerating into silent hyperventilation as the top half of her body trembled making her back arch against the invisible binds that she felt closing in around her.

“You want me to allow you to cut your self again?” I asked gripping her leg a bit to tightly with my hands as I realised what she was asking of me. She waned my permission to let her destroy her body. It felt like she was asking me to stab her in the chest. I new the answer I wanted to yell in her face I new what I wanted to do. I could have her on the floor in seconds restraining her with no problem at all and I could keep her that way until she was safe from her self weather it took hours or days but I also new that would cause her more pain then she was all ready in and her fight against self harm wouldn’t be hers any more and she wouldn’t be my wife either just a psyceatric patient on any ward but that didn’t stop me from wanting to tell her that she would hart her again tonight when hell freezes over. I wanted to turn into a baby and scream and cry at her not to do it and the worse out of all of them the one I hated my self the most for. I wanted to run away.

“Please Emmet I know it is so much to ask but I need the pain to go away. I need to break these elastic bands. I need to fill the void in my chest because I can’t breath and it hurts.” Esmee sobbed in what sounded like true agony as she wrapped her arms around her chest and rocked her self faster her stiff fingers pimping her hands in and out against her leg.

I did not what to say what I was going for. It would make me responsible for an act of violence it would make me the culprit of something dark and terrible but it was also the only answer I could give out of love for the woman next to me.

“If that is what you truly want I wont stop you. I don’t want you to. God I want you to fight this with me but if you can’t I understand. I am not leaving you though. As selfish as it might be I wont let you be alone and cut your self. I have seen to many harmers lose control completely and go to deep and end up killing them self’s and that I can’t let you do. I won’t lose you but if cutting is what you need to do then I won’t stop you. I don’t want you to cut your self though Esmee but it will be no victory if I win a fight for you by destroying you but I won’t let go without pleading with you not to. I know it hurts you and I hate to see you in this kind of pain but please fight this a bit longer don’t give in not yet. Fight these creatures that haunt you and win. Fight them with me.